Hey guys!! It's been a little bit and I decided that I want to try out a humor fic because all my others ones seem to gruesome! So I thought I would lighten the mood a little bit and show that I do have a sense of humor, if that is what you call it! Thanks for all of those who reviewed my last story, thank you lots! On with the story!
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of the other characters mentioned.
Just A Few
"So you put it on like this…"
"Does it hurt?"
"Oh, no I am sure it doesn't, it is meant for protection after all…"
"But it looks kinda, tight."
"Yes, it is suppose to be that way, you see the little point right here at the end, this is what captures your…"
"Kami, just kill me now…" Kagome Higurashi fought over the power of her hearing, trying valiantly to try and block out the conversation that was taking place before her. Her mother was sitting across from her at the other side of the table, along with Inuyasha who was sitting beside her mother. She had tried to think of anything else; drown out the voices that never seemed to go away. This was the most excruciating discussion she had ever been apart of. She was still losing the non-listening battle quickly as her mother continued to talk to Inuyasha about the wonders of a condom.
A few months ago they had fought Naraku and won. The battle was hard, but they succeeded in the end with the combined attacks of Sesshomaru, Inuyasha, and herself. Kohaku had died and Sango had mourned. But because Sango had defended Rin in the final battle, Sesshomaru had resurrected Kohaku, not to mention he had no memories of killing his father and comrades. For at the time he was still under Naraku's ruling and now that Naraku was gone, the memories were gone as well. Sango would tell him when the time was right; of course not telling him exactly what had happened. She would just say that they were killed by an evil demon and be done with it. He is now living with her and her future husband, Miroku, at Kaede's village.
A few weeks ago Kikyo had come into their camp and tried to take Inuyasha to hell with her. Kagome had turned her head not able to watch him walk away from them, from her. But had quickly turned back around when Inuyasha had denied the undead miko. She swore her heart had stopped when he had looked Kikyo in the eye and said he now had a reason for living and someone else to protect and that he would not being going anywhere with her, even if she had been alive. Then he had looked at Kagome herself and said that he had finally found somewhere where he belonged; he had finally found a home and a person who loves him the way that he is. The miko however had not gone away without a fight, apparently deciding to take Inuyasha by force because in reality to her, he didn't have a choice of whether he wanted to go or not, because he was going! This came to the conclusion of the jewel being purified. Kagome herself had done it, wishing that Kikyo finally be put to rest. She had done this right before the miko had attacked. Inuyasha had saved Kagome from the last purifying arrow that Kikyo would ever shoot. While in Inuyasha's embrace she had regained the part of her soul she had lost and was surprised when Inuyasha did not seem to be saddened by the fact that Kikyo was gone, actually he seemed quite glad. Another surprise came when they found out that the well had stayed open, even without the jewel. Kagome herself had been prepared for it to not be open, no one knew why it still worked, and they probably never would.
A few days ago Inuyasha asked Kagome to become his mate. She had basically been speechless, not knowing really what to say. All of the four years that they had been searching for the jewel she had made herself to believe that Inuyasha would always choose Kikyo over her. She did not let herself dare to hope and she promised that she would only love him from a far. When Inuyasha had told Kikyo that he had loved someone else, she still fully hadn't believed it because she still did not want to let herself hope for something that she thought was so far out of reach. It still hadn't fully clicked yet. When he had taken her to Goshinboku a few days ago she had thought that he had just wanted to get away from the others, which he did, but because of different reason than what she had had in mind. He had jumped up on a branch and pulled her into his lap. She had been blushing profusely the whole time because she was not use to this kind of behavior from any boy, let alone this one. She stiffened and then forced herself to relax. His arms were very comfortable she decided. She was almost asleep when she heard him start to talk.
"I hated that goddamned jewel, you have no idea." She jolted awake immediately and thought about what he had just told her. When her brain finally received the meaning of his words, it surprised Kagome greatly because she had always thought that he had wanted the jewel, to turn full demon of course, but had recently thought that using it on Kikyo had been a better decision in the end. All thoughts of sleep gone now, she heard him continue, "But at the same time, I…I wish it could have come into my life sooner." This yet again surprised Kagome. All the jewel had done was make everyone suffer, even Inuyasha. She knew it had turned her life into a mess. And yet his was far worse than hers had been, so why would he have wanted the thing? He had wanted that jewel so he could become demon, and then he had wanted it to become human. Both times had failed and had caused him more heartache than to start out with. So why in the world would he have wanted it sooner? "That stupid jewel had caused Naraku to come after it and in the end become a pain in my ass! That god forsaken jewel made me and Kikyo come against each other! The jewel had caused so much war and death that it makes even me sick! It hurt everyone and everything it came in contact with, Kohaku included! I can't stand the fuckin' thing because all it brought was sorrow." He was growling by the time he was finished and his ears were so far back in his hair you couldn't see them. Kagome felt him shivering with rage beneath her. She gently took her hand in his, and he instantly relaxed. "But no matter how much I hate that stupid jewel, I have to remember that it brought you to me, and no matter how bad it was, it in the end granted my wish anyway." He looked down at her warmly and kissed the top of her head. She had gasped and then she had jumped him. She had kissed his face and ears and eyes and just everywhere! Thankful for every part of him; tears of happiness streaming down her eyes the whole time; of course he hadn't out and out said that he loved her, but it was what he meant and she understood him better than anyone. She had been even more surprised at her own actions than at what he had just said. But when he caught her lips with his own all coherent thoughts flew from her head. After a little bit of a make-out session, he had asked her to be his mate, proclaimed his love (which she knew was a hard thing for him to do because he was not use to being so open), while she had proclaimed hers. They had decided to wait and tell her family before they actually did anything however.
A few hours ago she and Inuyasha had come out of the well house hand-in-hand. One hand was strong and firm, while the other was sweating and shaking uncontrollably. And when Kagome gets nervous she tends to babble incoherently.
"So how do think they'll take it? Souta is going to be so happy! You're already like his big brother! Oh wow, the Sakura blossoms are really blooming beautifully this year! I can't wait until winter though, I love winter! All the snow and the cold…" She was making hand gestures now, talking animatedly. Inuyasha chuckled seeing how nervous his future mate was.
"Kagome…"
"The snow is so white and gorgeous you just want to jump in it! Not on the street though because then it turns all icky and black because of the cars. Oh! You know what cars are don't you?"
"Yeah, but Kagome…"
"You never want to drink and drive though Inuyasha! Never do that! Or do drugs! Those are bad and make you all crazy!" they were reaching the door and Kagome was still going on. Inuyasha had to stop himself from laughing. One could always tell when Kagome was nervous because she would always talk about everyone and everything besides the subject of what she was so nervous about.
"And another thing, when you are going to go to the movies always wear a matching pair of socks! Because boy, let me tell you, if you go with different pairs of socks it is really embarrassing. Especially if one is yellow and the other a bright red! Oh but you don't have to worry about that do you? You don't even wear shoes!"
"Kagome!" He stopped abruptly and pulled her to a stop as well. She looked up at him curiously. "Listen, you will do fine! I'm right here and nothing bad is going to happen." He placed a chaste kiss on her lips, opened the door and then pushed her inside. They had found Mrs. Higurashi in the living room knitting while Souta and Grandpa were watching television. They all looked up at them when they entered. But before anyone could say anything Inuyasha thought it would be better to just get this over with. How kind of him.
"We wanna mate." He stated this with so much pride it boomed off of the walls and echoed. Kagome screeched and turned a bright red while looking at him like he had just lost his mind. The silence was deafening and he could have sworn that even the TV had gone to stand-by mode just to make the situation look even worse than it really was. Three faces were looking at him in shock, while the fourth was as red as his haori and concentrating and glaring so hard on the ground that she could have bored holes into if she watned to. The poor ground. 'What is up with these people? It's like they have never heard of anyone mating before.' Then in that next moment, he wished it had just stayed silent.
"Cool! Now I'm gonna have a big brother! And we can play…"
"Don't you defile my granddaughter you heathen! You can't just…"
"Kagome dear! This was so sudden! I knew it was going to happen but…"
"And then we can go for pizza and then hit the arcade…"
"Of all the nerve! Just barging in this house like some common crimi…"
"I'm going to have grandchildren! We need a wedding! Oh with…"
"I'm going to show you to all of my frie…"
"Demon be gone! Demon be gone! Demon…why aren't my wards working? Ah! Black magic! Demon be go…"
"…flowers and candles and dancing and music and oh my goodness!"
Kagome had fainted right there on the spot. Needless to say it was all a little overwhelming. Inuyasha had picked her up and immediately was worried! How could this happen! What had he said wrong? He had thought he was doing her a favor by telling them so she wouldn't have to! Guess not…After putting her on the couch with a cold compress on her head she began to stir. Things were finally agreed that they would have a small wedding because even though in demon terms to be mated meant everything, humans didn't see it like that. And Inuyasha was not going to take away Kagome's honor. So no mating for another few weeks, they would have the ceremony at the shrine with only a few people present, nothing big. He could last a few weeks…he hoped…Then came the fact of children, did they even want them? How many were they going to have? Were they going to have cute puppy ears? Mrs. Higurashi just had to know.
A few minutes ago Mrs. Higurashi had just come upstairs and into Kagome's bedroom where she was laying down, still feeling a little faint. Inuyasha was at the end of the bed sitting indian-style and in his protector pose. He was very adorable, looking like he would take on the world for Kagome. It warmed Mrs. Higurashi's heart. She broke the silence by saying that she had needed to talk to them about something important. Then she further specified that she knew how teenage hormones worked and that it might be hard for them to keep "the junk in the trunk" and not try anything before the wedding. Before anyone could say anything she had shut and quickly exited, her face just about matching the color of theirs.
A few seconds ago Kagome wondered about how she could kill herself very quickly without Inuyasha actually being able to stop her. She mentally sighed, 'not quick enough.' Mrs. Higurashi had just started talking about the birds and the bees and the worst thing is that Inuyasha was actually taking an interest to it! Dear Kami, could this get any worse?
"Here, I want you to take this banana…" Yes. It obviously could. She did not know why Inuyasha was not getting embarrassed! He couldn't be that interested right? He couldn't even say the "s" word let along talk about actually doing it! (a/n: s word is sex lol)
"Very good, you put that on perfectly; now what size do you think you might need, because there are vario…"
"Gah!" Kagome and Inuyasha both jumped up at the same time! Kagome couldn't believe it and Inuyasha had been doing well until now, but when Mrs. Higurashi had been trying to talk about the size of his…of his…of his person! That just went a little too far.
"My Mate is the only one who is supposed to know that!" He was not very comfortable anymore. Of course, he hadn't been before, but he wanted to make a good impression on Kagome's mother because she could still change her mind. He had been very worried when they had first told them all, but he hadn't wanted Kagome to know that. He had to be strong for her. But he couldn't help but be concerned. What if they didn't want a half-demon being a part of their family? What if they had rejected him? He didn't want to think about it anymore, the fact of the matter is that they had accepted him and he didn't want to mess things up now.
"Mom! That is so…so…" Kagome couldn't even explain it! Her face was burning so hot she swore that if she touched it, it would burn her hand.
"Well I need to know it dear in order to know which ones to purchase. But if you don't feel comfortable talking about it right now, then we will discuss it later. Now, Inuyasha…" Mrs. Higurashi reached down from under the table and pulled out a book. Taking one look at the cover Kagome almost screamed, 'What to expect when you're expecting'. "…do you know how babies are made?" Inuyasha wanted to say that he did, but in all honesty, he only knew the process of which they were made, but not, how.
"Um…"
"It's okay if you don't dear. I'll just explain it." She put the book on the table and both she and Inuyasha had sat down while she started to explain it. "When a man and a woman love each other very much…"
"Oh my god…" Kagome sank down into her chair just wanting to dart out of the door and forget this ever happened. If someone had told her that she was going to be in this situation a few days ago, she would have thought that person was insane…
"You start feeling feelings that you have never experienced before, passions that need to be…"
Just as she was about to finish that thought, grandpa walked into the room. 'Saved by the grandpa'.
"Are you telling him about the facts of life?" with a nod from Mrs. Higurashi he continued, "well in my day we didn't have this kind of technology…" 'I wonder if grandpa knows that Inuyasha was alive way before his day?' "…and we always thought that if you had sexual relations with a person before you got married you died! If you have sex you die! If you want to have sex you die! So don't have sex! Because if you do you will die! Don't even think about it or you'll die!" 'Well, Inuyasha thought grimly, 'I'm dead'.
"Father you're overreacting, having sexual relations before you're married doesn't mean you'll die," her voice became sterner, "but it does mean that you will be in very serious trouble young lady so don't even think about it! I want grand children but after the wedding alright?" The grandfather left the room grumbling something about how 'they'll still die' and was not heard from for the rest of the night.
In answer to the question Kagome grunted in acknowledgment, no longer being able to even think coherent thoughts. The feeling of wanting to face Naraku again showed its ugly head and she immediately squelched those thoughts, 'nothing can be worse than facing Naraku again!'
"You see this here; this is where your member goes…" Mrs. Higurashi pointed to a female body part in the book. "In order to do this correctly you have to know exactly where you are suppose to be, now do you know what an erection is?" Kagome quickly glanced at her mother then to Inuyasha and then to the picture of an erection, 'I wonder if there is a way to resurrect Naraku?'
"Um…er…I…" How did one answer a question like this? How could you possibly answer that correctly!? 'How the hell do I get myself into these situations' Inuyasha quickly glanced at Kagome, 'oh, that's right' Kagome was the cause of all of his problems, all of his uncomfortable situations, all of the confrontations, all of just…everything. He sighed. 'but that's why I love her' he inwardly smiled, knowing that Kagome was going to be his soon. When she had agreed to be his mate he had been overjoyed and had wanted nothing more than to her his in every sense of the word in every single way. But he would not do something that she wasn't comfortable doing. Not to mention that would dishonoring her and she just couldn't do it.
"…so that is why young men get erections!" First thought going through Inuyasha's mind was that he should have been paying attention and he wondered if she could tell. Second thought being, she seemed way to excited about telling him about erections, he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. He glanced at Kagome and noticed that she was once again glaring at the floor thinking about something. He immediately felt jealously at the thought of her thoughts being upon someone else other than him. He was brought out of his thought however when something was thrust into his hand.
"Wha…"
"Oh, that's right! I wanted you to have one of these with you at all times just in case something ever comes up." She looked pointedly at Kagome. "It never should though." He looked down at his hand and saw a square of some type of…glossy material, something gray and shiny. What in the world? He opened up the wrapping and saw a rubber circle. This looked familiar but what…all coherent thoughts left his head as he accidentally hooked the circular disk around his clawed finger and stretched it back just enough so that when the clawed finger had let it loose it flicked off and ended up smacking, and staying, right in the middle of Kagome's forehead.
"Just…kill me."
Kagome had tuned out the conversation around her and had slid to where her backside was hanging off of the chair and her head was resting on the back part of the chair. Then had slowly come back down to earth as her mother had handed Inuyasha a condom. She had known Inuyasha had seen one of these before, hence the banana, but he had never seen one wrapped up and still in it's circular form. She watched with morbid fascination as he unwrapped it and then proceeded to take it out of the wrapper. However, she was not expecting to get a face full of condom when he abruptly flicked it off of his finger. Sure, the loved the hanyou, but she couldn't particularly remember why at the moment. She sighed, 'okay, that was a little mean. I love him with all of my heart, but why in the world can't this conversation just be over?'
Mrs. Higurashi calmly leaned over the table and removed the condom from Kagome's forehead with a slight plopping noise. She was trying so unbearable hard not to laugh at the hanyou, for she knew he was embarrassed already, but that was just to precious! She cleared her throat, telling herself she would laugh later, and not at the young peoples' expense.
"Inuyasha, the projectile that was 'accidentally' plastered against Kagome's head was a conserved condom. It was in its original state. I will give you a new one to keep, but please do not open it until you are ready to use it. Which will not be any time soon." The last statement was not a suggestion, it was a command. " Now there are other ways of birth control methods. There are pills, patches, and a diaphragm, like this one here…"
Was it really bad to have thoughts of killing your own mother? Kagome wondered if they would charge her for murder if she told them she almost died from embarrassment. 'Probably not.' She started to feel guilty for those thoughts. She couldn't stay mad at her mother, but please, this was just so darn infuriating! Could she become any more embarrassed!? If she got any redder her face was going to stay that way!
"What you do is you put this, wait, do you remember the part I showed you in the book of where your member goes?" Inuyasha nodded dumbly, "Okay good, now the woman puts that in there and it will stop her from becoming pregnant, just like the condom. Do you understand? Well alright then, I think we have basically discussed everything that was needed to be talked about, don't you?"
"Yes!" Both Inuyasha and Kagome yelled this at the exact same time.
"Oh, but don't worry Mrs. Higurashi, Kagome won't get pregnant until we are both ready." Inuyasha looked Mrs. Higurashi in the eyes but his blush told him he was very embarrassed to say that. 'Ah, now I remember why I love him! He is so gosh darn cute!'
"I know Inuyasha, now that I have let you two know the wonders of condom usa…"
"Oh, not because of that, just because I know. There are only two times when a hanyou can have a pup: the full moon, where the pup will be hanyou, and then the new moon where the pup will be human."
Both the Higurashi women looked at him with different accounts of shock and wonder. Both of them thinking the exact same thing, 'I had to go through all that for nothing!?
Mrs. Higurashi saw the look of intense anger that had surfaced upon her daughter's face and just sighed and walked out of the room explaining that she should leave them alone to discuss…things…Once she was gone, Kagome exploded.
"Why didn't you feel the need to tell me that in the first place?!" she balled her hands into fist and was so angry at having to be put through that…that…torture! "I can't believe you didn't tell me!"
"What did you want me to do!? I thought you would get mad about me interrupting your mother, you're always complaining about manners and shit like that!"
"Gah! You have had plenty of time to tell me before we got here! And you had plenty of times to interject and tell my mother!" She was so frustrated that had to have been the most awkward conversation of her entire life and here he was basically telling her that she hadn't needed to go through it! She picked up the closest thing she could and threw it at him.
The diaphragm hit him right in the face.
He growled and threw something back at her, the banana, and that landed on her shirt with a splat.
"Don't throw things at your alpha male wench!" He growled again and Kagome just sighed, she sat back down on the chair and put her head in her hands. What she wanted right now was a nap, it had been a hard day to say the least. Inuyasha knelt down in front of her and took her hands in his. He looked at her with guilty eyes and she sighed again. It really wasn't his fault. She was just aggravated.
"I'm sorry; it wasn't really your fault. I was just stressed out." She looked down in shame. How could she have been so mean to him when he had sat there just as long as she had? Not to mention he had had more of the work laid out on his shoulders because him being the mate-to-be.
"I'm sorry too." She looked up at him and smiled, he smiled faintly back. He kissed her chastely, for fear of being interrupted.
A few seconds later Souta came through the room.
"I heard shouting and came to see…" he looked on the ground to where he had just stepped. On his shoe there appeared to be a plastic disk of some sort, he then remembered what all of the kids at school had found one day at the playground. He cringed.
"EW!!! There's a condom on my shoe! There's a condom on my shoe! Get it off, get it off!" Kagome and Inuyasha just looked at Souta bouncing one foot not wanting to touch the condom but desperately trying to get it off, and then they looked at each other and just started laughing. They laughed so hard they were falling all over the ground. It had been a stressful day and they needed to laugh away some of the stress.
A few minutes later, Mrs. Higurashi came in and decided to help her poor son and get the condom off of his shoe. He stated that he wanted new shoes and that if Inuyasha and Kagome were going to do that to at least not do it in the kitchen.
A few hours later, after returning through the well, they were confronted by the Sango, Miroku, Kohaku, and Shippo. The gang had known what had happened the minute that Inuyasha had taken Kagome to Boshinboku; there was no denying that they would soon be mates. Kagome had said that she and Inuyasha were going to go tell her family about the good news and they wanted to know how it had gone.
"So, Inuyasha, how did it go?" the girls were walking ahead of him talking excitedly, when Sango started cracking up. Inuyasha knew that Kagome was telling her something about the…interesting…conversation that had gone on with her mother.
"It was fine, and oh, by the way, you might need this." He handed Miroku a small, square, shiny package before walking off. Miroku looked down at his hand in wonder.
"What is that?" Kohaku came up beside him and Shippo jumped on his shoulder. They all stared curiously at the object in Miroku's hand.
"I don't know Shippo. Let's go take a look shall we." They walked off in the same direction that the other three had taken, while Miroku started to open the package.
A few days later, Miroku was asking for more of those packages.
A few weeks later, Kagome and Inuyasha were getting married.
And a few months later, Mrs. Higurashi said they should have just stuck with the condoms…