WATERFIGHT!
It was an unusually hot day – well, night for us – at the Academy. Everybody was readying themselves for curfew. I was soaking up the sun while I had the chance. Lissa and Dimitri were walking with me – Dimitri a far guard, me up close. Lissa looked sweaty and worried.
"Is my make-up smudged?" she asked me. It was a little, but hardly noticeable. "Nope. Looks great," I muttered, wondering why I never wore make-up anymore.
I was pelted with water.
I spun, my wet hair flicking, to see Adrian aiming a water pistol straight at me. He shot again and soaked my shirt. Super-soaker, it had to be; I was already saturated. I sprinted after Adrian, and tackled him to the ground, stealing his pistol. Then I felt a pop at the back of my head. I turned again, glaring at Dimitri and Lissa, who were pegging water bombs at me. What the hell? I was a water magnet. My pistol randomly – and impossibly – reloaded itself.
"GO ME!" I screamed and aimed the soaker at Lissa. It blew her off her feet and then I targeted Dimitri. The water smashed him in the balls, and he shrunk to the ground, holding his crotch desperately. I laughed at him and picked a random bucket up. I threw it over Lissa. Oops, it was acid. She disintegrated and disappeared.
"My bad," I said half-heartedly. Adrian was running towards me again, so I staked him. With steaks! They all fell out of thin air and landed in my hands. I hurled them at him.
"I'M A VEGETARIAN!" he screeched, clawing at his face. I continued throwing the t-bone steaks at Adrian, and one landed down his pants, as unlikely as that seems.
"I'M MELTING!" He bellowed, melted. I ran off to find Dimitri, who was standing at some pool, doing a gay Lady Gaga pose.
"Let's play a love game, play a love game. PAPARAZZI!" I pushed him in the pool, and faced the paparazzi, who were coming towards me at a furious speed. I pulled a rifle out of my ear.
" Asta lavino, babeshacks!" I shrieked, and fired one million and two shots. They all died. I bombed beside Dimitri, whose clothes were gone.
" EW! A penie!" I pointed at the living thing between his legs that was moving up toward me. I ran my heart out, and slipped over a random banana peel. I stood up and glanced around.
" Horton hears a who put dat deeeeer?!" I asked wildly.
"Sowyyy...." a voice murmured behind me. Christian was looking at me.
" Take a frikin picture, It'll frikin last frikin longer, frickhead," I yelled, and Christian vanished away to Afghanistan. I looked down. My arms were as hairy as Jacob Black's! No, as hairy as his bud, Paul's! He laughed like a mule! Mules were ugly! And Twilight was a BAD book! I sprinted to Dimitri's dorm and used his 'Nair Moisturizing Hair Removal Cream, For Dry And Sensitive Skin'. I was scraping it off with a cheese fish-fillet burger when Dimitri ran in, wearing Lissa's clothes.
"Rose? What are you—OH MY GOD! Don't use my cream! You know I need that! Oh. My, God!" he screamed, clutching his head frantically.
"What? You already creamed your dick! I need this!" I cried desperately." I feel like I don't know you anymore! You're a totally different person than you were a few minutes ago!"
"I CAN CHANGE!"
"Oh yeah! You can! Here, take my clothes!" I took them off and handed them to Dimitri. He declined my shirt and pants, but took my bra and grannie panties. I put on his man bra and underpanties, and we strutted through campus, walking to the 'Sex And The City' theme.
Doo doo. Doo doo. Doo dah dah dah doo doo.
"Okay, Dimman, you're Samantha, and I'm Carrie," I declared.
"BUT CARRIE LOOKS LIKE A FOOT!" he whined, and fell to the ground, crying.
"Fine, I'm Miranda. It's always the hard way with you."
"NO! She's a ranga!" he screamed in my armpit and puked because it smelt bad.
"Gawsh. I'm Charlotte!"
"Ookie!" Dimitri squeaked, and sniffed my leg. He barked and ran off to sniff other dogs' ass cracks. I cautiously bent down, and licked his spew. It tasted like White-Out and Jebus Christian Ozera.
"Ohmmmm." I was meditating. I flew like superman, or Edward Cullen, over to Kirova. She was salaaming.
"You know. Huh-how weird is this: Kuh-Christian Ozera is not Christian! He doesn't believe in Jebus and all that. I mean, it's his name!" I gasped
"You're not a rose," she replied in the Dali Lama's voice.
"Yes I am, nitwit." Of course I was a rose, all red and flowery. Kirova picked a giant petal off of me and ate it.
"OW! My boobie, you bitch! Breast cancer is inevitable now!"
"Well, I'm getting Syphilis, so chuck it in ya mouth!" I left Kirova so she could have lezzbo sex with Stan. Yeah, he was a girl homosexual. Transexuality these days. I found Dimitri in the gym with his head stuck up his ass. I pulled it out.
"Airline food! What's the deal with it?" I asked him.
"Hey now, hey now, you wanna say now. Happiness is just around the corner!" he sang. I joined in.
"The Venga Bus is coming, and everybody's jumping! We like to party, we like, we like to party!" Everybody in the world, including you, was now singing!
"I believe in miracles! Where you from, you sexy thang, sexy thang you!"
"I'm leaving," I said, and used chloroform on my mouth. I fell asleep.
Okay, should I continue with some funny stories, cause I can just chuck 'em together. I actually wrote this a while ago.
And if you're wondering this, yes, I am stupid.