Narrator: A long time ago in galaxy so ridiculously far away you'll never have time to go there and check if this story is true….
Star Wars The Fanta Menace
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…wait, I'm already telling this idiotic story, why the heck do I have to sing the theme song as well?
Author: Because this is a Star Wars story, how can this possibly be related to Star Wars if I don't even have then theme song at the start of my story!
Narrator: Yeah, but why do I have to do it? Aren't you like supposed to hire a sound guy to do this kind of stuff?
Author:I would, but that's not covered in the budget.
Narrator: WHAT! How can you not even afford to type in the word "sound guy" before the sound and special effects? You're not even paying me to do that!
Author: Okay, fine, whatever, you don't have to do the sound effects, I'll hire a sound man.
Sound Guy: *appears out of nowhere*
Narrator: Thank you.
Author: Good, now can we please start this thing again?
Narrator: Ok, ahem….
A long time ago in galaxy so ridiculously far away you'll never have time to go there and check if this story is true….
Star Wars The Fanta Menace
Sound Guy: Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…
Narrator: *interrupts* Ok, enough with the whole freaking theme song already!
Ahem. Qui-Gon & Obi-wan were dispatched by the supreme Chancellor to help settle the dispute over the incredibly insignificant planet of Naboo. The incredibly powerful trade federation had decided to, instead of doing something useful with their time, blockade a perfectly useless planet in a pointless waste of time, and to top it all off, the boss of the entire trade federation, Nuke Gunray, who by the way is nowhere near as cool as his name, or cool at all for that matter...in fact, his face kinda reminds me of the time when my younger brother fed the dog his broccoli & then it puked it up all over my little sister's dollhouse and so my dad…
Author: *interrupts* NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR FREAKING LIFE STORY HERE! *takes deep breath* Ahem, it's your job to read, not to comment on the looks and appeal of my characters, or start relating them to your dog's puked up broccoli on dollhouse thing.
Narrator: Ok ok ok, anyway…. Nuke Gunray, the big boss of the trade federation, had also shown up for the party. So now our two heroes board the Federation's control ship and…
Author: Hold it! You can't just skip parts of the story, it'll confuse my readers!
Narrator: What readers? This story is so pathetic anyway, all I did was skip the bit where they asked permission to board the ship & permission was granted!
Author:*scream in frustration* I DON'T CARE! *sobs pathetically* Please, just read on
Darth Maul: You're pathetic.
Narrator:What the heck are you doing here? You're not supposed to appear for another 15 chapters!
Darth Maul: So what am I supposed to do until then?
Narrator:Well, maybe you could practice your lines?
Darth Maul: I'VE ONLY GOT ONE FREAKING LINE IN THIS WHOLE STORY! *takes on deep voice* Yes, my lord…..pathetic. I'm an internationally acclaimed actor, and this is what I get stuck with!
Narrator:Hey, take it easy, you at least get to kill a Jedi.
Darth Maul: I DO! Awesome! I'll even take that 200% pay cut you offered me!
Author:Uh, what pay cut, I don't remember any of this.
Narrator:Look, if Maul wants to pay me his wages to be in this book, I don't see a problem with it.
Author: *sigh* This chapter is a failure.
Narrator: *grins smugly* Well, at least I didn't write it.
Author:Why you [CENSORED] little [CENSORED] I ought to [CENSORED] you to freaking [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED].
Narrator:Hey can you take it easy on the swearing, it makes all these annoying censored flags come up on the screen.
Author:*sigh* just end the chapter.
Narrator: Fine, so having done almost nothing this entire time, Qui-gon & Obi-wan recline in comfy metal seats awaiting the federation representatives…with the fate of a totally useless & irrelevant planet hanging in the balance.