A Fun Conversation

For my friend, Molly: The Sirius to my Remus

will miss you much, buddy

Author's Note: I really hope it isn't difficult to follow along... If some parts are confusing, please tell me so in a review!

"Remus."

"…"

"Remus."

"…"

"Re-fucking-mus!"

"What do you want? I'm busy!"

"You don't look busy to me."

"I don't care if I don't look busy to you, you stupid git. I'm busy and I'm going to be no matter what you think about it."

"Somebody's touchy. Probably that time of the month."

"What do you want?"

"I'm bored. Do something."

"…"

"Don't give me that look. Don't give me that judging look, Remus Lupin."

"Merlin, go amuse yourself!"

"It's awkward when you're in the room. And Peter stole all my Playwitch mags."

"That is not what I meant when I said go amuse yourself."

"Well, it sounded like it. And if you don't want me to be alone in that amusing you can join me…"

"Stop being a creepy pervert and leave me alone. I'm busy. I'm working on a Potions essay that is due at nine o'clock tomorrow morning which is about twelve hours away. So leave me alone."

"Psh. Nerd."

"At least I do my work unlike you, you worthless wastrel."

"Lookit widdle Remmy… Usin' his big boy words…"

"Fuck off."

"And I do my work. I already finished that essay. Two nights ago."

"No fucking way. You did not! There's no way you could've finished that essay! I haven't seen you working on anything the past two days!"

"Just because you didn't see me doesn't mean I didn't do it. I thought you knew that by now, Remmy Boy."

"Don't call me Remmy Boy. And when did you write your essay? You were partying yesterday. Two nights ago, you were planning pranks with James. You didn't have time to write an essay unless you have a Time Turner handy. And I really doubt that because you're irresponsible and McGonagall hates you."

"She loves me! You take that back!"

"She hates you."

"She loves my arse. You're just jealous."

"Yeah, right."

"And by the way, I wrote my essay after you left for your prefect duties. Unlike you, Mister Nerd Pants, I actually am able to get my work done and get some. And some good stuff I got two nights ago."

"You tell such elaborate lies, Sirius. It's like a trait you developed to counteract the stupid things you do."

"Whatever. Go finish your essay."

"…"

"I know you hate me. Telling me again won't make it any better, I promise."

"Why do you know me so well? That's extremely creepy and I want you to stop."

"You're just extremely predictable. Plus, all that time I spent in Divination must have paid off somehow."

"Please."

"Hey, don't roll your eyes. Divination is serious business–Ha, get it? Serious? Sirius? Divination is so sirius?"

"For Merlin's sake."

"Pretty punny, eh?"

"Leave me alone!"

"Stop being jealous of my puns, Remmy. It's a talent you don't have. You're just going to have to get over it."

"Fuck you. Just–fuck you. Fuck off. Leave me alone."

"You said 'fuck' three times. That's pretty impressive for our Puritan Remus Lupin. Say it some more. Maybe then you'll be more chill like me."

"You're not 'chill'. Stop being ridiculous."

"Stop using words like ridiculous and maybe I'll stop using words like chill."

"How is that related?"

"It bothers me like 'chill' bothers you."

"Stop aggravating me!"

"It's seriously that time of the month, isn't it? Ha, did you catch that? Seriously–"

"Yes. I got that. And that wasn't funny like the last three hundred eighty-first time you used that obsolete, extremely lame, and embarrassing pun."

"You used to think it was funny…"

"Yeah, the first time James mentioned it."

"You thought it was hilarious. You were rolling around the floor, laughing. Clutching your stomach! Tears in your eyes! Laughing like you were going to piss your trousers!"

"Or I might have just taken a really good look at your face."

"Stop being immature, Remus, or I'm going to have to ground you."

"Ground me? What are you, my mum?"

"No, I'm your dad and if you don't behave, young man, you'll be grounded!"

"…"

"Always obey your parents, Remus John Lupin!"

"… Don't use my full name like that. Only my parents are allowed to do that."

"What, does that bother you, Remus John Lupin?"

"…"

"I relish your venomous glare."

"Whatever you say, Sirius Orion Black."

"Ew… You sound like my mother!"

"Ew… Way to gross me out, Sirius."

"You started it."

"No, actually, that was you. You started saying my full name and–"

"Boring. Already lost interest in your boring conversation!"

"You're a boring conversation… Merlin, why am I talking to you! I have to work on my essay! Fuck, I've just spent the entire time blabbering with a stupid git! All that time, down the drain!"

"Get over it, Remmy. Your time's not that valuable."

"Time's the most valuable commodity!"

"What are you, Santa Claus?"

"What the fuck does that even mean!"

"Whoa, that was the f-word again! You're turning into quite a sailor… Or Sirius Black. It's my wonderful influence. You can smell it floating in the air… The influence of Sirius Black."

"More like the armpit of Sirius Black."

"… I'll have you know that I apply deodorant quite vigorously throughout the day."

"Not vigorously enough, obviously."

"Stop bullying me, alright? I'm done with this abusive relationship! You're always putting me down!"

"Me? If anyone should be accused of abusing others, it should be you! You abuse everyone! You tell me that I look like I have a malignant tumor growing off my back, you encourage Evans to kick James in the balls then throw confetti in his eyes–"

"Ha! That was funny!"

"–And you constantly badger Peter about having a crush on Madame Pince which he does not."

"How do you know?"

"He told me he didn't."

"Psh, and you believe him?"

"Yes. And I also believe you're a cruel bastard who should be locked up for abuse."

"Wah-wah. Get over it."

"Ugh!"

"Alright there, Remmy?"

"Sirius Black, I swear you are the most–"

"Hey Sirius, there's a Ravenclaw girl looking for you. She's really hot."

"What does she look like?"

"Brown curls, green eyes, really big boobs…"

"That's probably Tracy. Thanks, James. Well, Remmy, I have to go now. My date's here. Thanks for amusing me while I was waiting. We sure have a lot of fun conversations, eh?"

"That was not a fun conversation!"

"Sure it was! Now you just sit tight and have fun writing your Potions essay which is due in twelve hours while I'll be visiting that broom closet by the hidden staircase with Tracy."

"I hate you."

"James, you probably should talk to him for a while before you let him out of the dormitory. It looks like he wants to strangle me."

"I also would say he wants to strangle you, Sirius. Merlin, you're lucky. Tracy Appel! Jealous!"

"Ta-ta, Remmy Boy!"

"I hate you, Sirius Black!"

"And I love you too!"