Phoenix Nights
For those who have never seen this show before think of everyone speaking with a Bolton accent, If you don't know a Bolton accent just think Northen England, and if your still stuck just read it how you like
Talking on phone/ singing Talking during a song
"...then the bastard said I were fat" Max said to his best mate Paddy as they left the chip shop
"Ooh hell. I hope you hit him" Paddy replied as he began to eat his chips "He's forgot the pissing red sauce again"
"Oh aye. He fell over. Quick scissor kick to the head. Good night my friend" he said imatating what he had done
"So what happened then?" Paddy asked, still looking for the red sauce
"I got kicked out of Slimmers world for good"
"I thought it were Weight Watchers"
"What? No. It's a quid more than Slimmers world"
Before Paddy replied his mobile phone began vibrating in his pocket. As he picks it up he looks at the display.
'IRONSIDE' was clearly displayed
"Oh hell it's Ironside. We ain't working today are we?"
"Dunno"
Paddy presses a button and lifts the phone to his ear
"Hello? Brian?"
"Hello Patrick. Just making sure you know your working tonight"
"Oh aye. Wouldn't forget that Mr. Potter" he said rolling his eyes at Max
"Good see you down the club" he said hanging up
"Bollocks" Paddy said putting the phone back in his pocket
===
The Phoenix Club
"Daft bastards" Brian says as he puts his phone away. Rubbing his hands together before wheeling himself up the hall
===ROLL CREDITS===
"JERRY? JERRY! Oh god you could choke a donkey in 'ere" Brian shouted as he wheeled himself into the mens toilets
"What?" Jerry 'the saint' StClair Dignan replied from the otherside of a toilet door
"What ya doin'?"
"What do you think?" Jerry replied
"Well stop that you'll go blind" he said with a laugh
"What do you want Brian"
"I wanna know when my comper without compere is gonna get to the re'ersal. Les and Alan have been waiting for an hour"
"Tell them to start without me"
"Without the singer." He said with his high pitched voice before returning to normal "Oh thats a good idea Jerry Dignan"
"It's StClair in the club Brian"
"It's StClair after you stop crapping and get cracking. Come on" he said wheeling out of the bathroom
===
Outside
Young Kenny is walking toward the club with a flyer in his hand. As he bursts into the club he knocks a drinker over a table and into 2 other drinkers.
"OI PRICK!" they shouted as Young Kenny kept going until he found Brian
"Wo wo wo. Wheres the fire? Ooh Jesus not again. We're not on fire again are we?" Brian shouted looking around for any sign of flames
"No. I found this" he said handing the flyer over to him
"Come down the Bannana Grove and register a 5 a side football team" He mumbled "What's this gotta do with me?"
"No read the rest"
"And win a years subscription to Sky Sports. Hey thats for me. Get all those sports on ooh yeah. 350 on bar a day, easy."
"So do you wanna play Brian?" Young Kenny asked
Brian looked at him as if he had come in on Christmas Day and pissed all over his kids
"Oh aye Kenny. I'll play on t'wing. I'm in a pissing wheel chair. Dickhead" he said wheeling away shaking his head.
"Oh yeah" Kenny said before heading to find some others to play
===
Cabaret suite
Jerry is up on stage with the band Les Alamos. They are playing Seven Nation Army on Drums and Keyboards and he soon begins to 'sing'
"Im gonna fight them off
A seven nation army couldnt hold me back, that's right
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back, you know it.
And Im talking to myself at night
Because I cant forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette, ooh smell that smoke
And the..."
"Oh I'm glad to see you off the pissing bog Jerry" Brian said wheeling into the room
"We're trying to re'erse here"
"Were ya? Were ya? Didn't sound like that. Sounded like a...like a..."
"Like a what. Brian?"
"Like a bag of shite Jerry. Now get cracking it's Jerry-oke tonight. Get them pipes o'yours working"
Jerry shakes his head as Young Kenny runs up to him and 'Les Alamos'
"Hey lads. You fancy playing 5-a-side?" he asked handing them the flyer
"Oh aye. I forgot about that, Jerry, Les, Alan put your names down." Brian said
"Do you know how old I am? I'm not running around a football field" Jerry said
"Shut up you girl. Get on with it. You can go in goal. Get Max and Paddy down to when they get 'ere. I can see it now. Sky Sports down the Phoenix Club"
===
Later that week
Brian wheels into were everyone is sitting with a box on his lap
"What's in t'box?" Paddy asked as Brian put the box on the floor
"Football kits." he said throwing them at people around the table "Look Phoenix Club on front and on t'back"
"This says Pheenix Club" Max said holding his infront of him
"Ey?" Brian said pulling out another one
"So do ours" said Rey Von
"Yeah Pheenix. With an e not an o." said Alan
"There supost to say Phoenix Club" Brian said taking them all back off everyone and heading to his office
"Rangers had the same problem when I played for them" Kenny Senior stated as everyone, but young Kenny, left
"What they spelled Phoenix, Pheenix?" Young Kenny asked
===BREAK===
The Phoenix Club lads are all standing outside the club with sports bags. Brian is wearing a typical managers coat, with BP on the left side, that is covering most of his head because of his wheelchair. It's not long until max and Paddy drive in with a red mini-bus with 'ASIAN ELDERS' written on the side
"WHAT'S THAT?" Brian shouted in his high-pitched tone
"It's a mini-bus" Max said getting out the side
"Asian Elders? Asian Elders? Den Perry will have a pissing field day" Brian said still slightly high-pitched
"It's only van we could get wi' wheel chair access" Max replied
"I'm not getting in that! I'm in my Cadallac!" Brian said as his tone got even higher
"Well I'll drive my car then" Jerry said heading back to the car park
"No you don't Jerry Dignan. Your all gonna travel as a team. Look a little professional for god sake. Oi Young Kenny, I'm disabled you gotta drive!" Brian said as Kenny ran back from the mini-bus and got into Brians Cadallac
===
Bolton Leisure centre
They are all on the afro-turf, with their 'Pheenix Club' shirts on, kicking balls between each other. As Brian manages to get himself onto the afro turf pitch after waiting a few minutes for a young lad to make a ramp for him.
"This is a disgrace this. Disabled people need to get on football pitches to" he said as he passed his lads "Right as your manager. Beat the bastards. Look at the shite they've all put out, we'll take them all down" Before he could finish a large mimi-van with 'Bananna Grove' written on the side drove into the near by car park "Flash bastard" Brian mumbled as Den Perry and his lads got off the bus and headed toward the pitch
"Hello Potter. No need to get up" Den said with a laugh, blowing cigar smoke into Brians face
"Hello Perry. These your lads?"
"Yep. Won all 5 of the last 5-a-side competitions. Looking for number 6"
"Haha. We're gonna stop you this year?"
"Why are you playing rush goalie?" he said laughing again
Just then the referee, Spencer, came and shook each managers hands before heading onto the pitch. Den and Brian looked at each other for a second before each mumbled "Fat Bastard" to themselves
===
Brian is sat with his team telling them were they're playing
"Right Jerry your in goal, Les and Alan your the defence."
"Am I in the centre ?" Alan asked
"Ther's 2 of ya!" he said before shaking his head "Max your midfield and Paddy your up front"
"What about me?" Young Kenny said
"Your...your first substitute, after Kenny Senior"
Young Kenny looks depressed for a second as the others run on the pitch and begin to play their first game.
===
(If this was the show it would be all different clips of the Phoenix lads and the Bannana grove lads scoring goals, cheating in different ways and Young Kenny at the side lines looking depressed, but I'm too lazy to right them all!)
===
As it draws to the final the last 2 teams are strangely enough the Phoenix Club Football Club and Bananna G-Rovers
"Your lads played well Brian I'll give you that, but this is were it all ends for you. My lads are gonna take the trophy again" Den Perry said as he stood next to Brian
"You just wait Denzel. My lads will wipe the floor with yours. You just wait"
===
The match starts and pretty soon the Phoenix Club score and Brian begins to rub it into Den Perry, but after the kick off the G-Rovers soon equalize. The rest of the match is tame until the G-Rovers score again 10 minutes from the final whistle
"Oh Balls!" Brian shouts
"Looks like I win again Brian" Den says with a laugh
Brian looks up to the pitch were he sees Paddy running up the pitch and is taken down hardly inside the box
"PENALTY!!" Brian screams as Paddy screams in aggony. "Oh balls. Where is Kenny Senior"
"He left an hour ago Brian" Young Kenny said "Can I go on?"
Brian sighs before giving in "Ok, but don't do owt!"
Young Kenny smiles widely as he runs onto the pitch and up to the ball. As he stands next to the box waiting for Max to take the penalty he had a 'brilliant' idea. Just as Max was beginning to run up Kenny pulled him back and ran toward the ball.
"What's he doing?" Brian screeches. As he does everything starts to move in slow motion as Young Kenny hits the ball and it starts to go toward the goal
===
The Phoenix Club
Everyone, but Young Kenny and Paddy, are sat around a table eating pie and chips. They all look really depressed.
"Do you really think we should of made Young Kenny walk home?" Jerry said as everyone scowled at him
"He hit a pissing floodlight with that kick. He's lucky we didn't break his legs" Brian says as they all go back to their food
===ROLL END CREDITS===
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I love Phoenix Nights and I am really suprised that there are no other fics about it, but here is the first of a possible 3 if I can expand on those ideas I have.
Anyway hope your enjoying and as always please R/R