Digging my shoes into the sane, I wondered if she knew. I'd been obvious ever since, I thought. Maybe she was too blinded in false love to see. The only thing I could do was confess, and see what she'd do. Probably beat me up. I'd find my teeth all over the beach once she was done with me. When I thought about it, I became terrified, but I knew the outcome was worth it.
No one else was on the beach. Just me. The wind picked up quickly. Husta rusta husha rusha rush. I imagined her face glaring at me. She'd never understand. Sure, she'd tell me that it was fine, but I knew that would be a lie. Hanging out with two, dramatic girls has really paid off when it comes to break-ups.
**************
"Will she be mad?" she asked, tousling my hair gently.
I couldn't speak. She's just so beautiful and real and awesome. When I look at her, my whole persona becomes happy and boomboomboom with a thrill and everything pleasant.
"I don't know," I answered honestly, "and I don't care. After all this, I have to do it. We have to- I have to- break up."
She placed her arms around in that familiar yet extremely loving manner. The action calmed me yet fired me up all the same. Someone like her (okay, just her) can do that to me.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, and I could tell she really meant it.
"Don't be. She has a right to know. If I don't tell her, she'll hear it from someone else, and she'll be upset. It has to be me. I have to be brave."
She smiled, but she showed me that she felt my pain.
"You're a good man, Oliver," she told me, out of nowhere. "Braver than you give yourself credit for. I mean, not all guys would chance breaking up with a girl who was totally capable of kicking him all the way to the next galaxy."
She giggled at the maturity part and the joking part of her words. When she said and did that, I really felt courageous and like I could overturn any problem in my way. This could be done, especially with her help.
***************
I wish I still had that confidence now. My fear increased second by second as I waited for her to get to the beach. It was so strange that we'd been together for "so long", particularly because we didn't have that kind of connection. In fact, I'd been looking for an out ever since Miley, my best friend, said how much she truly hated Joanie. Plus, Joanie doesn't like Miley, but she does like Lilly. Who doesn't like Lilly, though? Focus.
I couldn't be with someone who would never be able to stand my best friend, even if they could stand the other. Then again, once she eventually knew, she wouldn't love her so much.
"Oliver?" Joanie called. "Hey!"
Oh no. She was here, and I was done for. Joanie would kill me before I even got the chance to reach the prize at the finish line, no strings attached.
Slowly, I approached her, trembling for my life. She had this too tough look about her. Like, even when I look at her, I know she has this, "if my bacon touches my eggs and you gave me the plate, you're the toast" frame of mind. It makes me want to grab a bucket and throw up in it. Why am I so terrified of her?
"Hey," I started, feeble. "Hey, Joanie."
"You said you had to talk to me."
Irritated, she had her hands on her hips, her eyes searching up, down, up, down. It made me dizzy, distracted. I almost lost the words I'd rehearsed for days already. Joanie, love, you, she, her, sorry… it was all a blue for just a few quick seconds.
"Yeah," I murmured. "Yeah, I did. Listen, there's something I really have to tell you."
She clicked her tongue, and I was pretty sure she knew. But I wouldn't let her ruin the speech I'd just remembered.
"Go on," she spat. "I'm here to listen, not wait as you preamble."
"Good. Remember how last weekend you went to Chicago to visit your sister, and there was that party? You weren't in town and neither was Miley, so I went with Lilly, of course. Everything was going great until Sara told Lilly that Nose Whistle Wally was going to ask her to slow dance, and she wasn't going to let that happen. So, I let her dance with me…"
Joanie frowned and put up her hands, signaling for me to stop my rambling. As I did, I choked on both words and spit. She must know.
"Oliver, stop," she demanded. "Is this about you being in love with Lilly?"
What was a guy to do now? Certainly not stand there, my mouth a flytrap to the world. Unfortunately, this was exactly what I did, even though I was pretty confident in the fact that Joanie knew all along. But now I couldn't just own up to the fact that I loved Lilly. That would be too blunt and too rude, and that's just not me.
"Well," I stalled, "I didn't say that. You didn't even let me finish. All I was saying was that we danced together, not that I'm in love with her. Although, I can't see why someone, not necessarily me, but someone, wouldn't…"
Once again, Joanie cut me off. She looked me dead in the eye- serious and somber. From her expression, it was hard to tell if she was angry, hurt, or taking this unusually well. Maybe she was ready to break up before I realized my feelings for Lilly. Somehow, I doubted it.
"I know, Oliver," she spoke in a low monotone. "I've always known. Everyone knows."
At first I couldn't believe that people had taken the time to notice Lilly and me. Heck, I didn't even know exactly how I felt until I was finally with her, dancing. But then I really looked on it, and I could see where the crazies were coming from. One.
First of all, Lilly and I had been best friends since preschool. This was far before Miley, before the Hannah Montana frenzy, and before boyfriend and girlfriend meant more than getting married under the scary, rocket ship slide. We'd gone through everything together, and we've always been rocks to the other. Come to think if it, Lilly and I were made for each other. We- I- was just too scared to pick up on it.
"They do?" I asked.
"Yeah," Joanie told me. "Always have. Since maybe kindergarten. To tell you the truth, I'm glad you finally caught on. If you hadn't, you would have latched onto a different girl, and you wouldn't be happy because she wouldn't be Lilly."
It was true. Everything a girl does is somehow compared to what Lilly does in my book. And I was with her, so I would always be happy.
"You're right," I admitted. "Are you okay?"
Slowly, Joanie nodded, and I could simply read that one.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Or, at least I will be. As long as you're with her, I'm happy. I've always known the two of you have so much to build a foundation on."
Amazingly relieved, I smiled and outstretched my arms, waiting for Joanie to accept my invitation to hug.
"Thanks," I told her as I gave her a friends-only squeeze. "I'm glad you understand."
"Better than you know," she pulled me off and assured. "Now go. There's another girl out there waiting for you. If I were you, I wouldn't keep T-Cott waiting for much longer."
Giving her one last grin, I headed off the beach and to Lilly's. She was worth everything- the trials, the laughs, the sobs, and every last fall.