Unlimited Lightsaber Works
Shirou sighed, sharing a weary glance with his wife as their daughter disappeared from the living room mid-rant about the terrible new season of The Great British Bake-off.
His wife stood up from her favorite chair, ahoge twitching in annoyance. "Somehow, I'm certain this is all Zelretch's fault. He interrupted you learning new baking techniques, which means no scones. He must be punished."
With a thought, she summoned her armor, and strapped her sword to her side, ready to go forth and dispense the kind of royal justice that would make the undead vampire wish his title of Dead Apostle was more literal.
Shirou took off his apron, and crossed the room to give his wife a kiss on the forehead. "Just make sure to show some restraint. If you damage the Clocktower too badly, I'll be forced to clean it up, which means even less time to cook as much as I would like..."
His logic was sound, and Arthuria gave him a nod of understanding. She would deal with Zelretch, and Shirou would bring back their daughter, hopefully in time for tea judging by the trail of mana left behind by Mordred's disappearance.
With the same amount of effort one would use to open a car door, Shirou used the magic taught to him by Zelretch himself, Kaleidoscope, to tear a hole into the fabric of reality leading directly to his master's study, and give Gaia a terrible migraine.
"Ah! Shirou-kun! So nice of you to call like this! I was just about to drop in on you, my boy! I've discovered this amazing new series called Goblin Slayer! Very family friendly! I thought I might come over and we could all watch it together!"
Saber began to step through the portal, and the master vampire smiled, "Or you could just come here! That's fine! How are you Arthuria?"
The sound of steel being drawn slowly from a sheath echoed loudly in the dimensional bridge. "Arthuria? What are you doing with your sword? Arthuria!? Come now, we can be reasonable about this!"
Shirou closed the portal just as the screaming started.
With that dealt with, Shirou grabbed his coat, some food for the road, and opened another violation into the fabric of reality to follow the mana trail left by his daughter.
XXX
Mordred awoke slowly, and under great protest, as was the want of teenagers everywhere, even naturally born reincarnated ones. She opened her eyes to see some sort of strange creature with horns, yellow eyes, and red and black skin looking down on her with a curious, penetrating gaze, as though she were a fascinating bug on his window.
She stretched out her senses to their limit, shocked and pleased to discover that their range was vastly improved over their usual limits. Where before she could sense them anywhere within the same structure, now her senses seemed to stretch for entire kilometers!
And at the moment, her improved senses were telling her that there were no parental units around.
This was good news. She would be able to vent all the leftover spleen she had with the latest series of one of her favorite shows, and tell this strangely colored idiot exactly what she thought of him staring at her.
"OI! Wanker! The FUCK are you looking at you useless, simpering bastard?! Bloody Hell you're ugly!"
Unfortunately for her parents' peace of mind, one of Mordred's other favorite shows was Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares.
The strange creature recoiled in shock at the sheer vitriol in her tone, which served Mordred's purposes nicely. She stood up, and started looking for an exit, or at least a clue as to where she was.
Unfortunately, everything looked the same: a large, circular chamber of polished chrome.
Just as she was about to start questioning the creature about where they were and what was going on, a section of the wall behind the creature opened with a hiss of decompression, revealing a small figure in a hooded robe that reminded her of a monk in a Monty Python movie.
"So this is the disturbance in the Force we sensed earlier, my Apprentice?"
The strange creature turned to the new arrival. "Indeed, Master. It is just as you suspected: There is much hatred and anger within her. Some of her words are strange, but she already displays the vocabulary and venom of a Sith. I think she could be a useful tool, Master..."
Mordred glared balefully at them, both because she hated being talked about like she wasn't there, and because it was the default expression of teenagers everywhere.
The robed figure chuckled. "I see what you mean, Apprentice. It's as though the girl has been steeped in the Dark Side! I know not what prompted the Force to grant us this gift, but we will make excellent use of it, provided that she passes my examination..."
The hooded figure gave a negligent wave of his hand, and the black and red creature took an aggressive stance, clearly looking to attack.
This suited Mordred just fine. She had plenty of aggression to work out, and this strange creature presented a very convenient target. Mordred opened her senses again, and grinned as mana practically flooded into her system with no prompting. She already felt lighter, stronger, and faster.
This was going to be fun.
Just as she took her own unarmed combat stance, taught to her by Aunt Rin, the hooded figure removed its robe, revealing a squashed looking face with beady eyes and the strangest hair style Mordred had ever seen. It sort of reminded her of the scary stories Father would tell her when she was trying to get her to understand the danger of strangers.
With the potential of her childhood trauma come to life in front of her, a small current of fear lent itself to Mordred's actions, giving her even greater strength.
With a burst of speed that the other occupants of the room could barely follow, Mordred immediately invaded the red and black creature's space, and swept him up by the legs to use him as a crude weapon to vanquish her childhood nemesis.
"AHHHHHH! DIE, GOBLIN!"
The robed figure only had a moment to shout "Maul, stop her you fool!" before his aptly named apprentice was sent colliding with his face.
Unfortunately for Mordred, she was unused to handling so much mana at one time, and all the excess flooding her system meant she could not completely control her new strength.
There were several wet snapping sounds, and what may have been a pained whimper from the red and black creature as Mordred did her best to vanquish her nemesis.
She got in several good hits before a sudden surge of force sent her skidding backward, her improvised maul colliding leaving her hand to collide with the wall behind her with a rather loud snap.
The goblin got up, it's face now significantly more colorful and bloody than it had been before her assault. "Insolent child! You dare strike me?! I will show you the error of challenging a Sith!"
Mordred braced herself as the goblin magus began to channel lightning in its claws. It didn't seem much different than the attack spells Aunt Rin would fire at her during training, and with all the mana in her system at the moment, she was more than confident in her ability to dodge such an obvious attack.
However, she wouldn't have to.
Just as she was preparing to dodge, the attack struck metal with a resounding crackle, only to dissipate into nothing. Mordred knew that sword. She looked to her left to see one of her parents standing next to her, blade extended to absorb the attack that had been aimed at her.
"Mama, you're here! Good! Let's kill this goblin and go home, I'm starving!"
Shirou gave his daughter a nod, not taking his eyes off of their adversary. "In a moment, Mordred. We should try talking to him first. Killing should never be the first option."
"But he's a goblin!" Adults were so stupid sometimes! Goblin lives didn't matter!
Her Mama turned to the goblin, lowering his blade slightly so that he could be on guard, but not overly threatening. "Goblin-san, I do not know who you are, I do not know what you want. If you are looking for money, I can assure you I have none. What I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills I have honed over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for goblins like you.
If you let us go now, that will be the end of it. I will not pursue you. But if you don't. I will come over there, and I will kill you until you are dead."
"WOO! GO MAMA! REND HIS STUPID GOBLIN FLESH!"
The aforementioned Goblin's confused response was surprising.
"Foolish child! This man cannot be your mother! No! No! That's not true! That's impossible!"
Both Mordred and Shirou glared at the stupid goblin. Now it was just asking for a beating! "Stupid Goblin! I've searched my feelings! I know it to be true! Mama is mama, and he will destroy you! Go, Mama! I choose you! Thunderbolt!"
Shirou sighed. They never should have let her get that game.
He turned his attention back to the goblin, just as it was retrieving some sort of cylinder from the folds of its robe. Shirou's eyebrows rose in surprise as the goblin flicked a button on the side of the cylinder, causing a blade of what appeared to be solid plasma to ignite from it. There was a distinct buzzing sort of sound as the blade moved through the air.
The goblin took a basic stance, blade held close to his center. "Very well, if you will not submit to the power of the Dark Side, you will be destroyed! Come! See how well your steel matches the might of my lightsaber!"
Too bad for the goblin that Shirou had no intention of making this a melee fight.
Shirou raised his hand, declaring in an almost bored tone, "Unlimited Blade Works."
The goblin barely had time to say "Oh shi...!" before he was skewered by a wall of sharp, pointy, steel death. His shiny plasma sword, the aptly named "lightsaber" fell from his lifeless grip.
His daughter skipped up to it happily, proudly holding it out to him like a prize she won at a carnival. "Mama, can I keep this? Plllleeeease?"
Shirou sighed, and nodded. It was basically no more dangerous than a Reinforced bokken, and he may even be able to use it around the kitchen. That would make the girls happy.
Mordred gave him a bright smile, and skipped over to the center of the room to go over her sword forms while Shirou dismissed his Reality Marble. He decided to give Mordred a few minutes to exercise, knowing that if she burnt off energy now, she would sleep better tonight.
He was about to call her over so that he could open a portal to send them home when one opened next to him without prompting, revealing the unmistakable ahoge of his wife, and Zelretch in the Clocktower infirmary in a full body cast.
"Shirou! Have you found Mordred yet?"
"I have. Is Zelretch-sensei dealt with? Did he explain why he sent Mordred here?"
His wife turned to glare at the elder vampire, who seemed to cower away from her despite a lack of consciousness. "No. He has no idea how that happened, but he needed an education on what exactly family friendly entertainment was. It was only right that I teach him."
Shirou nodded, trusting his wife. He would not judge.
At that moment, Mordred finished her sword forms, and practically skipped up to the portal, once again proudly holding out her new training sword. "Papa, look! Mama and I won my new training sword by killing a goblin!"
Arthuria looked startled for a moment, turning to her husband to silently ask for confirmation.
When he nodded, she gave them both a proud smile. "Excellent work, you two! Goblin slaying is indeed a mighty feat! One worthy of a feast!"
As Mordred and Shirou entered the portal, they waved to Zelretch before taking another portal home.
Once back in the comfort and safety of their living room, both Mordred and Arthuria turned to Shirou with equal looks of pleading and expectation. He sighed as he moved back toward the kitchen, donning his apron and resuming his cooking. "The feast will be ready in an hour!"
The two blondes cheered.
XXX
Jar-Jar was killed by tripping over his own feet, and so without the presence of the Sith to maneuver things: No Prequels ever happened...EVER.
END