PLEASE READ A/N FIRST!

Hello! Lilith, here, wishing you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah and all that jazz.

I just want to tell you some stuff first.

Alright, I decided to give you guys a little game to play while reading the first chapter of "Christmas with the Phantomhive's." In this fanfic I put little inside jokes that the Kuro fandom will understand and know. If you can spot all or most of those little inside jokes. You win a prize.

I will write a fanfic for you, WHATEVER PLOT YOU WANT, that DEALS WITH THE FANDOMS:

Teen Titans
Danny Phantom
Invader Zim
Full Metal Alchemist
Bleach
Naruto
Kuroshitsuji
Ouran High School Host Club
Gurren Lagann
Loveless
DN Angel
Chobits
Avatar: The Last Airbender
Panty and Stocking.

I am picking these because I have seen these shows and will know more making the fanfic better than if I was just guess writing about a show I have never seen.

YOU MAY CHOOSE WHATEVER PAIRING YOU WANT! YOU MAY CHOOSE THE PLOT AND THE SETTING! AND IT CAN BE RATED K TO M! I WILL DO WHATEVER PAIRING EVEN IF I DISLIKE IT!

Please note this will be a one-shot and the first THREE reviewers who get all or most of the hints will receive their one-shot. I will inform everyone in the next chapter who the winners are!

HINT: There are twelve, 12, hints in this first chapter. If you can guess at least seven of them then you get a free fanfic dedicated to you! ALL HINTS COME FROM THE ANIME, MANGA, THE RECENT MUSICAL AND BACKSTAGE VIDEOS, AND TWEETS THAT YANA TOBOSO HAS MADE ABOUT KUROSHITSUJI!

I've been through a lot these last couple of months so I'm not really in the Christmas mood. It sucks because I want to be but I just don't feel the Christmas this year. That hasn't stopped be from writing my annual Christmas story that I post on Christmas Eve ever year. I started doing this when I was in 8th grade and I refuse to stop now. The thing is I'm just so tired and I wrote this the day before Christmas Eve that it's kind of rushed and unfinished and mostly dialogue. Oh, and crack. Major crack. Sorry fans.

This is a crack story. Nothing makes sense but the funny thing is, I think all of this would actually happen if Kuroshitsuji was an AU. I could be wrong but yeah, I see it like this.

I want to apologize beforehand. I made Grell call in a bomb threat to an airport and I just want to say in no way is this to be threatening or making fun of terrorism or anything like that! It's just a thing I think Grell would do if desperate and at first I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it but please understand that it is only a joke in the fanfic and NOT MAKING FUN OF THE THINGS GOING ON IN THE U.S., THE U.K., AND ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji.

Warnings: Yup, gay love and lots of it. Alois.

Other than that, I hope you enjoy my first time trying to write crack.

Please enjoy the first chapter!

C h r i s t m a s w i t h t h e P h a n t o m h i v e ' s
By Lilith Eve

Chapter One: The Chaos Begins

"I can't wait to see Santa!"

Ciel sighed in annoyance as he walked slowly behind his friends into the giant mall that awaited his impending doom. The walls were covered in decorations and posters were aligned across the walls advertising different products; children were being led by their parents into different stores while hundreds of people were pushed against each other in a frenzy of last minute shopping.

It truly was Christmas time.

The smell of the mall was of human body odor covered by the smell of homemade cinnamon buns, hot chocolate, and the occasional gingerbread man. Inside was warm and stuffy almost making the boy want to shrug of his jacket and walk around in a t-shirt. He was already starting to sweat and he hated the feeling of perspiration on his warm body. Between the heat, the smell, and the pushing he was almost sure he went back in time to the 1960's in America, a hippie discovering Woodstock. Ciel froze and upon realizing what he just thought, he made a mental note to stop staying up late watching the History Channel with Sebastian.

"It feels like I just had sex in here!"

And to stop hanging around Alois.

"Hey, don't pull the stunt you did last year." Ciel muttered to his hyper companion as the boy skipped around people giving grins and holiday cheer. Ciel almost threw up in his mouth.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Pulling off Santa's beard and screaming bloody murder as you watch in glee the children scream and run in terror, their childhood completely ruined and minds scarred for life as you find amusement and humor in your sick games."

The boy stared at him, an innocent look pulled on his face. Ciel could see where the mask ended and the boys face began.

"I've never done that."

"You did it last year."

"And the year before that." Ciel's other friend said with a smile on his face. Ciel couldn't tell if it was from amusement or the fact that the boy always smiled.

"What blasphemy is this?"

"Alois, don't act so innocent. The year before last Claude had to come and get you because you got caught."

Finnian nodded his head. "And last year Hannah had to drive the getaway car after you ran away from the mall cops."

"That wasn't bad."

"Alois, they had their guns out. They were going to shoot you.

Alois smirked at the boys and leaned in closer to them so no one would hear his next words.

"I ran and dodged, didn't I?"

Ciel shook his head and continued to walk towards the line of excited children and exhausted adults.

"You do know you're on the Naughty List, right?"

"You do know there are millions of sexual puns I could use because of that comment, right?"

Madam Red sighed as she laid her head in her hand, her kitchen silent and lonely. Her table was filled with papers, cards, addresses and receipts of presents that she had bought for her friends and remaining family. Her eyes glazed over all the white sheets that covered the entire table, an endless fountain of Christmas information that needed to be sent and put away for later. As always, she waited till the last minute to do her Christmas shopping and, as always, she had to deal with the blaring migraine that came with it.

Her eyes glanced sideways towards the bar. Perched on top was an old bottle of wine she was saving for special occasions and any day she was stressed, which was everyday of the year.

Oh, sweet wine.

She had just received a call from her manager, the Viscount Druitt as he liked to be called, to leave on a plane to Paris that day.

"Darling, you must come! You're the star and the sky cannot gleam without its most precious star."

Madam Red chewed on her lip in frustration.

"Yes, but Christmas Eve is in two days and I promised my nephew I would be here and-"

"I think he can forgive you this one time, Sweetheart! This is a very important shoot and I need you here. It'll be quick and painless and you'll be back by Christmas."

"…Do you promise that?"

"Do I have a face that could lie to you?"

Madam Red sighed again and she slammed her face, gently, onto the table top. As a model she was always called up for a job but not once was she called to do a shoot so close to Christmas. It was unreasonable! Outrageous! Cruel, even!

"Where's my bottle of wine?"

How was she to tell Ciel and Sebastian that she wouldn't be home for Christmas Eve or even half of Christmas Day? Sebastian was going to cook her favorite dish, Ciel was going to play his violin, they were going to eat by a warm fire and retell stories of the past! It was going to be a Merry freaking Christmas for goodness sakes! She was going to miss out on so much just because of stupid photo shoot.

"Yet, I don't have a choice. I have to pay the bills…"

Damn manor.

She grabbed her glass of wine that she poured in her musings and took a sip of the delicious liquor. Oh, if only she could drown her misery in it then maybe this wouldn't be the worse Christmas ever.

SLAM!

"Madam Red, this is the worse Christmas ever!"

She chugged the rest of her wine and went in search of a bigger glass and a new bottle of her mistress.

"Up on the housetop, reindeer pause, out jumps good ol' Santa Claus. Down through the chimney with lots of toys, all for the little ones, Christmas joys!"

Ciel's eye twitched as he stared at Alois singing from afar standing in line with all the other nice girls and boys waiting for Santa Claus to come and ask them what they want for Christmas.

He couldn't believe Alois was going through with it. Again.

"Why am I here?" he asked Finnian not even giving him a glance.

"Because Alois is your friend and as a good friend you will stick by him no matter what. Even if he does something extremely stupid or dumb."

Finnian's answer was met with deathly silence. The blue eyed boy next to him glared at the boy in line, his lips pushed together to form a scowl.

"Why am I here?"

Finnian sighed. "You came to pick up Sebastian's gift."

Ciel nodded. "Right, I'll see you later." Swiftly, he turned around and began to walk away searching for the store that held his boyfriend's gift.

"Ah! Wait!"

The boy felt arms wrap around his waist and surprising strength lift him in the air and place him down in the same spot he was standing and glaring. Ciel's eyes remained shocked and open as he found himself in the same position he was hoping to leave. He threw a glare at his friend, tapping his foot lightly against the tiled floor waiting for an answer.

"I need you to stay here with me."

"Why?"

Finnian didn't answer as he stared at the ground, his hands playing with themselves.

"Finnian." Warned Ciel is an annoyed voice.

"He's going to run." The boy muttered quietly to Ciel looking at him with knowing and anticipating eyes.

"What?"

"First comes the stocking of little Nell. Oh, dear Santa, fill it well. Give her a dolly that laughs and cries, one that will open and shut her eyes!"

Alois sang loud as children laughed at his singing and adults glared at him with frustration and annoyance. Those looks didn't affect him though. He was, after all, friends with the infamous, Ciel Phantomhive, a boy that glared in frustration and annoyance everyday of the year.

"Who would want a doll that laughs and cries?" He asked turning to the adults and waiting children behind him.

"I mean, that's pretty fucked up, isn't it? Imagine you come home really late and all of a sudden you hear something crying and laughing from upstairs."

The adults stared at him covering their children's ears from the swear word that escaped the young blond's mouth. Alois could vaguely hear Ciel in his head saying, 'You're pretty fucked up.'

"And then you go upstairs to check it out and realize it is only that stupid doll Santa got you for Christmas that scared the living shit out of you. Like, you literally shit your pants because someone little girl was crying and laughing in your room and it freaked you out."

The adults began to pull their children away from the crazy blond before them, even those who stood in front.

"So as your trying to figure out how to shut the fucking thing up you see it opens her eyes and shuts them close and you think innocently, 'Well, I am moving the doll up and down. It must be one of those movement sensor dolls.' and you begin to look for the on and off switch when all of a sudden you see her battery pack is empty and there was no fucking way that stupid ass doll that Santa specifically got for you could make any noises at all."

Half the line was gone by then.

"And as that doll starts asking for its mommy you begin to see that Santa was never trying to be nice and give you presents but was really just toying with you and coming up with a plot to kill you starting with that laughing and crying doll."

Most of the line was gone by then.

"And then all those songs that you used to sing about Santa were starting to make sense. Who the fuck watches you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake? A fucking murdering, psychopathic, pedophile stalker, that who!"

There were only five people left in line.

"He knows when you've been bad or good? There are millions of puns I could say using that one sentence!"

"He's going on his Santa Claus rant again."

"Mhm."

Madam Red handed her best friend a drink of wine as he sat at her table holding his head in misery. It had been difficult getting him to this point but Madam Red was not an amateur when it came to calming down her friend. He was a drama queen and a total diva but she loved him none the less. That and She was his makeup artist, he was her clothes designer and she had dated him in high school so she wasn't exactly going to turn her flaming gay and possibly transgender friend away.

At least not without offering a drink to drown his woes in.

"I just can't believe he's gone,bye-bye, adios, au revoir…" said her friend as he began to shed more tears.

"Grell, it's only for a week. It's not like he's dead."

Grell jumped from his chair and slammed his hands, gently, on the table.

"You don't understand! This would have been our first Christmas together!"

Madam Red stared at him in confusion. "But…you've been dating him for three years."

"I was in Brazil the first year and he was in Australia the second year and then I was in America the third year and-"

"And now it's his turn. He's only going to visit his relatives."

Grell shook his head, his long, flaming red hair flowing around him as his angry green eyes started to water with shed and unshed tears.

"His relatives hate me. They despise me. They wanted to take him away from me for Christmas so I could be alone and forgotten, like a widow!"

"Grell, I am a widow."

"Exactly!"

She sighed for the nth time and took a sip from her glass. "They just want to see him again, that's all. I'm sure they don't hate you."

"Last year they sent me aging wrinkle cream with a note saying I looked too old for my age."

She stared. "They were being nice. Besides, you do use aging wrinkle cream."

"That's not the point!" He shouted, "They didn't have to say I needed it. And then a couple of months ago they sent me a picture of William's brother's ex-girlfriend saying she was wondering what he was up to and if it was okay that she contact him."

"So? They were probably just friends once."

"No. You and I are just friends. His mother wants him to fuck her. That little bitch wants Ronald's ex-girlfriend to fuck William. Using him like a chew toy! The nerve!"

She poured herself another glass of wine as she annoyingly stared at Grell. Her migraine was starting to come back, she would need more wine. "You're over reacting."

"They sent me a rabbit's head for my birthday."

"It's probably a German tradition."

"Its eyes were cut out."

"They hate you."

Grell screamed in frustration and rage as he slumped down in his chair again asking for his friend to pour him another glass of wine and all the way to the rim, please.

"Maybe I should just give up. There's no way he's not going to go and I might as well just drown myself in my sweet mistress's luscious body."

Madam Red giggled. "Oh! You're too sweet."

"I meant the wine."

"Oh."

She played with her glass, her painted red nail skimming the rim gently. She felt bad for her friend. She knew he was having trouble dealing with his boyfriend's relatives but she just figured it was something he could handle. He had a way of charming people and annoying them but usually everyone wanted to be his friend. William's family must not like the fact that he was gay.

"He didn't even want to go."

She looked up from her glass and gave him a small smile.

"He didn't?"

"No, he hates his family. The only one he doesn't hate is Ronald."

"Leonardo DiCaprio?"

"That's the one."

She remembered meeting him at a party Grell threw once. He was a very nice and humorous kid but very respectful. He looked like a young Leonardo DiCaprio from 'Titanic' and she even thought for a second that she was Rose and he would draw her naked body and compliment her beautiful figure. Well, she was drunk so she couldn't stop her dirty thoughts. Actually, she could never stop her dirty thoughts.

She should really get laid soon.

But she remembered how kind and sweet he was. He called her Miss. She liked him instantly.

'Wonder what he's up to these days?'

"I like that kid. How's he doing?"

"Broke up with his cheating girlfriend and found someone way hotter and super creepier to date."

Damn, she was too late.

"Oh, and he ran away from home."

"Really? Why?"

Grell smiled and stared at the wall behind her. "His parents found out he was having ravenous and amazing sex with a guy and forbid him from seeing his little boy toy again. So he ran away."

Well, there go her chances.

"So, who's the lucky boy toy?"

"Undertaker."

The Madam almost spit her wine out as she began to chuckle to herself. The Undertaker? Seriously? That man was always hitting on her nephew. But it was no surprise for her seeing as how she was surrounded by gay men.

But the Undertaker?

"He's staying at his place for now. I think they're serious." Grell commented, "But now the relatives are back at picking on William since Ronald left. He wasn't going to go. He wanted to spend Christmas with me."

"He said that?" She really couldn't believe William would actually confess something like that to Grell. He may be in love but the man was always quiet and, well, emotionless.

"No, but I could sense it."

"Ah."

They stood silent for a moment, both basking in the comfortable silence.

"He loves you, you know."

"I know."

Grell stared at the papers that were stacked up and began to play with the edges, a pout forming on his lips. He loved William and it just sucked that they couldn't spend the holidays together. They had been through so much this year and they couldn't have one day where it was just the two of them?

He even planned out the perfect Christmas Eve! Grell would make dinner in a sexy apron and nothing but, William would compliment his cooking and get a little frisky, Grell would act like a innocent stay-at-home-wife from the fifties, Grell would offer William his present shyly and say, 'Merry Christmas, my love.', William would open it and see the amazing gift Grell spent millions on, hug, him, kiss him tenderly and say, 'Thank you, darling. Its wonderful.', and then they would kiss some more and finally fool around.

It was the most perfect Christmas Eve plan ever!

But it was ruined thanks to those damn relatives.

"You're not the only one who has to suffer on Christmas Eve. I have to go do a shoot. In Paris."

Madam Red grabbed the bottle of wine and poured the remaining liquor into her cup. When only a little trickled out she lifted the bottle to her eye and shook it lightly.

"Huh, when did that happen?"

"Wait! Wait! You have to go to Paris?"

"Yeah, Viscount Druitt wants some photos of me for the New Year. I won't be home till Christmas."

"So you're leaving me too?"

Grell followed the Madam as she walked her way towards the bar to get herself another bottle of wine. She grabbed two more just in case.

"I'm not just leaving you. I'm also leaving Ciel and Sebastian alone for Christmas. Its so heart wrenching! I want to be here but the Viscount wants me there by tonight."

"Tonight!"

"It's only an hour to and from. But I'll be staying there until Christmas day."

She felt her sadness again and decided she was getting sober way to fast. She walked back the table and slumped on her chair not caring if she looked like a hobo out of luck. She was tired, angry, drunk and depressed. It was not a good turn for her.

"I just wish there was a way for me to stay home."

"And I wish there was a way for William to stay home."

"If only there was a way to stop the plane." They both said in unison.

And with the sudden sound of a click they both rose from their chairs and gave each other a look of epiphany. Madam Red began to smirk slowly as Grell grinned at her with Cheshire eyes.

"I have an idea."

Ciel could not believe he was doing this. He just couldn't. Of all the things he was forced to do in his life, having to wear that dreadful dress, pretending to be Sebastian's son (which for some horrible reason turned Sebastian on) and even go zombie hunting with Ronald and Undertaker, this was the worst thing he could possibly have to do.

He is going to run. Did his friends forget he has asthma? That when he has an attack he cannot breathe?

Oh, someone is going to die. Alois is going to die.

He's going to die.

From a fatal asthma attack.

…Well, fuck!

Alois was excited. Finally, finally! He was next in line to see good 'ol Santa Claus. This guy owed him for what he didn't get last year. All he asked was for Claude to dress up as a fairy when they role played and not once did Claude do it.

Santa was going to pay.

If he wanted to play that game then fine. Alois can play that game. No sweat.

"What's your name?"

"Alois Trancy."

The elf nodded towards Alois, a little hesitant to let him through but it was his job to lead kids to see Santa. He was being paid enough.

Alois, taking the nod as a sign, walked towards the jolly big man in the red suit with an innocent smile on his face. His long legs were covered by skin tight jeans and black boots but he made sure to make his walk look like he was wearing nothing at all. He was skilled like that. He sauntered over to Santa almost shyly making the innocence and the feeling that the seventeen year old knew too much work together. He was charming and sweet but mess with the bull and you get the horns. Santa did a bad thing and he needed to be punished.

Ooh, maybe he should use that on Claude later.

Alois plopped himself down on Santa's lap (oh, he was so going to make Claude cosplay Santa next time they had sex.) and wrapped him arms tightly around the old man's neck as he gave his charming, innocent and fake smile.

"Hello, Santa. Remember me?"

The old man chuckled heartily acting the part of good Santa Claus and tapped his finger on Alois's nose making the boy squirm a little from the sneeze that wanted to be released.

"Of course I remember you-"

"Alois." Whispered the helping elf beside Santa.

"-Alois. How could I forget you! You're on the nice list this year."

"Am I?" He asked. His head tilted gently to the side as he examined the acting old man before him.

"Of course you are. You're always on the nice list. Ho, Ho, Ho!" Santa Claus said as the children in line giggled and clapped knowing this was the real Santa because he knew the boys name.

Alois smile faded a little but he held it up with the thought of what he was going to do to this man. He was going to hurt him.

"So tell me, what do you want for Christmas, erm, little boy?"

Alois could feel the Santa imposter shift slightly from discomfort and his innocent smile came back full force. It was all going according to plan.

"Well, Santa," he said with a child-like voice, "I didn't get what I wanted last year so I'm here to ask for it again."

The Santa nodded his head for the boy on his lap to continue. He was hot in the suit and this weird kid made him feel uncomfortable.

"Well, just tell me what you want and I'll try harder this year."

Alois's eyes glazed a little as he leaned closer to the old man. He sniffed slowly and smirked.

"You smell nice."

The Santa Claus moved slightly in his seat wanting to move away from the boy feeling completely vulnerable under the dark and hard stare the boy was giving him.

"This isn't good."

"Yeah, he sniffed him."

"I wanted my boyfriend to dress up as a fairy so I could have sex with him and he never did it. I want him to do it this year. Can you give me that gift, Santa?"

The old man gulped as he heard the whispered words in his ears. This child was a demon, a little devil and he wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

"O-of course, I can. Heh, I'm Santa Claus! I can do anything. Now let's just take a quick picture and you can be on your way."

Alois shook his head noticing from the corner of his eye the elves back up slowly from the deathly aura that was coming from the boy in waves.

"You know, Santa", Alois positioned himself so he was facing the camera that was slightly trembling because of the elf behind it. "I used to like you, until you called me a hoe three times."

The Santa Claus turned to stare at the boy in shock as Alois smiled at the camera and before they both saw the flash the boy spun around and grinned manically at the old man.

"Merry Christmas!"

"Um, yes, hello? This is, a, um, person speaking. I just wanted to inform you that there is a bomb in the airport somewhere."

Madam Red covered her mouth trying desperately hard to hide the smile and giggles that wanted to leave her in her drunken state. Of all the crazy ideas she has had in her life this was the craziest.

She did feel a little bad though.

"Yeah, it's like, in a package somewhere in the airport. Probably around a Burger King or something." Grell went silent as he listened to the airport police officer on the other end of the line. He stared at the Madam and grinned at her, his eyes sparkling with mischief.

"Yeah, or maybe it was a McDonald's. No, no it is definitely near that one Chinese restaurant. The one that sells the dumplings."

Madam Red rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, those are good dumplings."

She tapped the table lightly to grab his attention and made a motion with her hand for him to speed it up. They were most likely tracking down the number and she did not want to have to get her phone number changed again because of a police officer. Grell blushed and held the phone tighter.

"Um, so yeah. It's in the airport and if you don't find it within the next-"

He stared at Madam Red as she held up her fingers.

"-three-"

She signed a letter to him.

"-minutes, then it's going to explode and you'll not only lose business but an awesome Chinese restaurant. Okay? So have a good day and Merry Christmas!"

He slapped the phone shut and threw it on the table watching it as if it might run and bite him.

"Well, that went well."

"Do you think he'll call?"

"I think we will definitely not be celebrating Christmas this year. Or for the next twenty."

Grell sighed and slumped in his chair, his scarlet hair falling over his shoulders.

"I meant William. Do you think they canceled any of the flights yet?"

Madam Red walked towards her living room grabbing the remote to turn on the tele as she took a sip of her wine.

"I doubt it; they just got the call not thirty seconds ago."

Breaking News! The airport police have called a code red. A bomb has been hidden within the airport. Officials have released news that all flights have been canceled until further notice.

They both stared in wonder at the words that flashed on the television set. Madam Red stared at her wine glass and put it down on the coffee table feeling that she had had enough for the day.

"Well, then."

She turned to smile at Grell but he stared in shock still not accepting the truth.

"It seems we will be having a Christmas Eve after all."

"In jail?"

"In jail."

William watched as all the flight information flashed yellow then red as big letters flashed and reflected on his glasses the word 'canceled.'

It was no surprise to him that there was a bomb threat but every year there was one and every year it seemed alright to travel. Still, he couldn't complain. This meant he didn't have to fly out to Germany just to see his family which, to him, was a Christmas miracle.

After all, they didn't accept him for his boyfriend and worse, they turned away his brother. He was more than happy that he didn't have to see his family. Though he did miss Germany.

Still, for some reason, the feeling that something seemed off made him a little unsure.

Something that had to do with Grell.

He heard running from behind and turned his head slightly to see what was going on. Upon seeing the police he began to suspect them looking for the bomb that was called in.

"So what did the boss say?"

"He said some girl called in claiming there was a bomb near McDonald's."

"No, you idiot! It was Burger King."

"You're both wrong, he said by the Chinese restaurant."

"What the girl sound like?"

"Masculine."

William's brow arched as he began to piece all the information he just heard together.

Masculine voice. Female. Chinese restaurant.

Grell.

Flipping his cell phone out, he went to his contacts and upon seeing the little picture of Grell grinning at him he clicked call and raised his phone to his ear.

The little trouble maker.