SUCKS TO BE YOU
by Oregano

INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
LORELAI GILMORE and her daughter, RORY are on the couch, WATCHING TELEVISION.

LORELAI
They're going to do it again?
(beat)
Jeez, what's up with this? Did the plot just go through Groundhog Day?

RORY
Oh, Joey. Stop it with the Dawson-Mania. Even I'm sick of him.

Lorelai and Rory look at each other funny.

LORELAI
Okay, switching the channel now.

Lorelai grabs the remote control.

RORY
A spectacular idea. May I suggest the news?

LORELAI
Beats the heck out of Dawson's Creek.

The television set is now on the Weather Channel. Rory shifts in her seat and reaches over to the coffee table. She pulls out a white envelope under a magazine.

RORY
Mom, what's this?
(opens the envelope and reads)
An engagement party?

LORELAI
What?

Lorelai snatches the card away from Rory and skims over it.

LORELAI
Your other grandmother, the slightly saner one, is throwing a little get together for her son and his little missy.

RORY
It's nice of her to invite you.

LORELAI
Heh, "You"? No, no, no, dearest. "Us," she invited "us."

RORY
Well, I'm not going.

LORELAI
Rory, don't be like that… this is your dad we're talking about.
(beat)
Not your grandmother. You have to talk to him sooner or later.

RORY
I know. I just…
(beat)
I just need more time, that's all.


INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE (EMILY AND RICHARD'S PLACE) – THE DINING ROOM - NIGHT
EMILY, Lorelai, and Rory are eating dinner.

EMILY
So I gather that the Haydens have sent you an invitation to their social gathering?

LORELAI
(not looking up)
Yup.

EMILY
Are you going?

LORELAI
(glancing up at Rory)
We're not planning to.

EMILY
Why not? It's terribly rude, Lorelai.

LORELAI
But, mom, it's going to be weird. Chris will be there, and Sherri, rubbing her tummy going, "Oh, yes, we're expecting him soon! We'll call him Christopher Jr.!" It will take me exactly four seconds before I start chewing on my hand and screaming,
"Stop the madness!"

EMILY
But, Lorelai, it's your chance to, "rise above it."

LORELAI
You are definitely not going to let that invitation to Sookie's issue go, will you?

EMILY
It will finally be your chance to tell Christopher, "I don't care about you or your little wench. I'm better than that."

LORELAI
Yes, and I can throw myself a little shindig in my head after saying that to his face.

EMILY
Exactly!

LORELAI
Mom, I was kidding.

EMILY
I'm just saying; if you go, it will mean that you're a mature—

Rory snorts.

Lorelai gives Rory a dirty look.

EMILY
(cont'd)
level-headed individual.

LORELAI
Mom…

EMILY
Just mull it over a little bit, won't you?

They continue eating. After a long silence, we hear Lorelai's fork CLANG against her plate. Lorelai sighs.

LORELAI
Ugh, fine. I'll go.


INT. LUKE'S DINER – COUNTER - DAY
Lorelai is eating breakfast. She looks miserable. In the background, we see LUKE DANES at the cash register.

Luke takes the coffee pot and walks over to Lorelai.

LUKE
What the hell's up with you?

LORELAI
Chris is having a party for his upcoming nuptial celebration and Rory won't come with me. I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't want to, but…

LUKE
(raises and eyebrow)
But what?

LORELAI
(bites her lip)
I need someone to be there.

LUKE
Moral support?

LORELAI
More like to be there just in case I get drunk and try to beat Sherri up with my purse.

Lorelai looks down on her plate and sniffs.

Luke becomes uncomfortable – Lorelai is crying.

LUKE
Gah, I'll go with you, you know… if you want…
(beat)
Just stop that crying thing.

The tears magically go away and Lorelai is as bright as ever.

LORELAI
Really?

LUKE
Hang on a minute...

LORELAI
Thanks, Luke.

LUKE
No, wait--

LORELAI
Gah, Luke, you rock!

LUKE
But you're not--

LORELAI
I'll see you at eight, all fresh and capless!

Lorelai exits.

INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
We see Rory sitting on the couch, eating from a box of cereal. She looks up and smiles a bit.

RORY
Thanks for doing this.

PAN OVER to Luke. He is sitting on the chair opposite Rory, looking very uncomfortable in a suit.

LUKE
No problem. I understand that, uh, you need time to get over this thing with your dad. Take all the time you need, Rory.

RORY
Thanks, Luke.

LUKE
What I don't understand is how these Yahoo's could get through a whole night wearing this stupid getup. The party's about three hours, for Pete's sake. Ugh, this tie is killing me. It probably was some stupid dork who invented these damned nooses.

RORY
You should try wearing stilettos.

LUKE
Still-a-who-wha?

Offers the box to Luke.

RORY
Cheerio's?

Before Luke can answer, we hear a big THUMP upstairs.

LORELAI (O.S.)
Gah! Stupid dress!

Luke and Rory look up and then look at each other.

RORY
Mom, are you okay?

LORELAI (O.S.)
Yeah! I'm fine! I just tripped over the hem of my dress and fell face first into my shoe closet.

RORY
(to Luke)
Sounds painful.

LUKE
Yeah, and I've seen those pointy heel-y things that she wears from time to time.
(beat)
She has a closet all for her shoes?

RORY
We're talking about the second Imelda here…

LUKE
Jeez, how many shoes does she need?

LORELAI (O.S.)
Okay, I'm done primping!

Lorelai comes down from the stairs in a beautiful gown.

LORELAI
How do I look?

RORY
You look like a cross between sexy showgirl and innocent Britney Spears.

LORELAI
There's such a thing?

RORY
I suppose, in an alternate universe where Zorro is French.

LORELAI
Hey, Jerry Maguire is in the house.

Luke rolls his eyes.

LUKE
Come on, Walking Oxymoron.

LORELAI
Lead the way, Dick Clark. Ooh, I could do this all night.

LUKE
Please don't.
(to Rory)
Hey, Rory, could you do me a favour?

RORY
Sure.

LUKE
Could you stop by at the Diner later? I left Caesar and Jess in there. Alone. You know, just to check if they're okay, Jess hasn't blown up the gas tank…

RORY
(hesitates)
Um, yeah. Sure, Luke.

LUKE
Thank you so much, Rory. I owe you.

RORY
Just be a good Pat Sajak and escort Vanna over here.

Lorelai starts clapping.

LUKE
(to Lorelai)
Stop that.


EXT. LUKE'S DINER – NIGHT
Rory walks by the Diner and looks from outside the window.

We see that the Diner is full. Jess is running around, refilling coffee cups, while Caesar brings plates of food to tables.

Suddenly, Jess sniffs around. He smacks Caesar in the arm and points to the kitchen.

Caesar sniffs as well and runs into the kitchen.

RORY
Oh, God.

Rory takes in a breath and comes inside.


INT. LUKE'S DINER – NIGHT
Jess takes the plates that Caesar has left on the counter and hands it to a COUPLE on the other side of the Diner.

MAN
(sniffs)
What's that smell?

JESS
Don't know.

RORY (O.S.)
It's that house behind us. I think they burnt a cow for their barbeque.

Jess smiles a bit, but recollects himself and becomes bored again. He turns to face Rory.

JESS
What are you doing here?

Rory takes the plate Jess is holding.

RORY
Helping you.


INT. BALLROOM – NIGHT
Luke and Lorelai arrive and walk into the large room.

From somewhere, a piano plays and on the stage, a lady sings.

LORELAI
Welcome to my hell.

EMILY (O.S.)
Lorelai! You came!

Luke and Lorelai turn and see Emily.

LORELAI
(tersely)
Hey. Mom.

EMILY
Where's Rory?

LORELAI
She's sick. I mean, mucus, everywhere. It's the sequel to The Blob.

LUKE
Didn't they already make a sequel to that stupid thing?

Lorelai pulls on Luke's arm.

LORELAI
You've met Luke, haven't you?

EMILY
You brought a man?

LORELAI
Whoa, did the liberty rights change again?

EMILY
You brought a MAN?

LORELAI
Mom, he's my friend. More of like my bodyguard, actually…

LUKE
Hey…

EMILY
This is perfect!

Luke and Lorelai look at each other.

LORELAI
(to Emily)
I'm sorry, what?

AVA (O.S.)
Emily!

AVA walks towards them holding a glass of champagne.

AVA
(cont'd)
Oh, Lorelai! You've brought Luke with you.
(to Luke)
Glad to meet you again.

Ava thrusts her hand for Luke to kiss.

Luke awkwardly shakes it.

Then Ava sees Lorelai clutching Luke's arm.

AVA
Oh, are you two dating?

Lorelai is about to answer, but…

EMILY
Yes.

LORELAI
I'm sorry, hi. Mom, this is Luke Danes, not Luke Skywalker.

EMILY
(laughs)
Oh, Lorelai, your delightful sense of humor.

Lorelai is confused. She looks up at Luke. Luke shrugs.

AVA
Oh. Well. I have to go mingle. It was nice running into you, Emily, Lorelai, Luke.

Ava quickly leaves.

LORELAI
Mom! Why did you say that? Now everybody thinks that me and Luke are a couple!

EMILY
(sighs dramatically)
That's the point, Lorelai.

LORELAI
Oh, my God, you ARE insane. I thought that, "Mom is crazy" vibe was just a joke…