AN: Hello there! If you are here, you have unfortunately fallen into the depths of hell and must pull yourself back out. Or don't. That's your prerogative. I personally prefer a colder climate. So this is going to be a collection of my insanity, and I'll update it whenever I feel like it. I hope you enjoy.
1. The Astronomy Tower
1 hour before Harry and Dumbledore travel to the cave...
"Sir, with all due respect, what are we doing here? I thought we were going to get a Horcrux."
"You're quite right, Harry. However, I feel it prudent to be prepared, in case Death Eaters try to lure me up here and kill me dead."
"...what?"
"It doesn't matter, Harry. Help me fit these under my badassery."
"Sir, that's a broom closet."
"Ah! So students are fucking in my badassery now! I am quite the aphrodisiac, I see."
"...sir, let's just get the Horcrux, then we can continue this conversation."
Even as Harry shook his head at the Headmaster's antics, he smiled fondly at the closet that now housed some very unconventional weaponry, remembering good times spent inside with a certain redhead.
Ron was, you see, quite the looker.
Present day
"You are no killer, Draco. You won't harm an old man."
"I have to! It's my job!" cried Draco. "If I don't, he's gonna kill me!"
Taking a deep breath, Dumbledore said calmly, "If you don't want to fucking die, Draco, why in the ever loving fuck would I want to? I have a sweet job, a tight ass, and all the lemon drops I could concievably stuff myself with, literally or figuratively. You, on the other hand, are a snivelling virgin with one deadass ugly tattoo. Your only friends in the world have dicks larger than their brains, and that ain't no compliment. They probably get their rocks off on each other, yelling your name, imagining your pasty white ass under them. I literally fucked Grindelwald up the ass! I have it so much better than you! So why the fuck would I want to die? Harry! Bring the shit!"
Even as Draco had grown paler with each sentence, Harry was trying not to bust out in laughter inside the broom closet. This was helped by the 2 meter long, spiked dildos next to him, which were very good inticements to not move so much. They looked used, and old, and he wasn't sure that all of the brown stains were dried blood.
The swastikas didn't help either.
At the Headmaster's cry, he came out of the closet, dildoes in hand, and began whapping Draco about the head with them.
Screaming, Draco tried to run from the tower. However, he was met by the rest of the Death Eaters.
"Run! Run now!" shrieked Draco. However, being Death Eaters of a lower caliber, these idiots decided to push on forward. They were met by two men yelling war cries, dual wielding spiked, leather dildoes, and charging at them with reckless abandon.
Snape, who had not been notified of the change in plan, was the first to run.
The Carrows, however, did not have as much sense.
"You're goin' ta die, Dumbled-urk!" choked Amycus, as he was suddenly cut off by the sudden intrusion of antique leather via rectal orifice.
"Amy! Help me!" cried Alecto, who was also on the ground, having been subjected to the same predicament.
Dumbledore gaped at them.
"Amy? Does he call you Alec? Are you on top when you do it Game of Thrones Style?"
Harry commented, "Sir, that hasn't come out yet."
"Nonsense, Harry. It probably has, but some dickhead's just too lazy to check."
Indiscriminate screaming followed their conversation as the duo continued slaughtering Death Eaters, leaving behind the Carrows, who were stuck together World Serpent style, having been welded together by dildo magic. And blood. Lots and lots of blood.
They didn't notice a feminine figure emerging from the shadows.
"Potter. One day, I will take Ronald Weasley back from you."
As the Carrows finally took notice of the new figure, they started trembling.
After all, what Hogwarts alumnus wasn't afraid of Minerva McGonagall?
End note: Will there be a next time? I don't know. Thanks to /u/pointyball on Reddit for providing the drive to write this chapter of the Alby D and Potter Show.