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A/N: Any comments good or bad are greatly received :)
One day this will fade away, I won't always see your face when I look around, or every time I see blonde hair. From the first moment you took my breath away, those blue eyes, flashing with passion and anger, for a second I thought it was aimed at me but then I kicked my mms into gear and noticed you were talking about a case. After that meeting I couldn't get you out of my head, I wondered what you were like, if you always had such passion or if it was just at certain times. I wanted to see that look directed at me.
It has been two months since I joined, everyone is still guarded with me, except you. Morgan is starting to trust me and accepting that Elle has gone. Garcia is friendly enough but is still cautious wondering if I am tough enough to do this. Reid i am struggling to work out, sometimes he is nice enough then others he is just not himself, he keeps changing it is hard to keep up. Hotch gives me that look, the one where he knows I am capable but there is something he doesn't trust. You though, you just accept me, explaining the reason why Elle left and why the others are guarded, letting me know to give some more time and it will be okay. Looking into your eyes I can do nothing but trust you, for some reason you manage to get right through my barriers, my armour.
I wish I could forgive you, I wish I could let this go and get you out of me but you are the breath flowing through my lungs, the same thing that is keeping me alive is also slowly killing me. The tears run down my face but I can't stop them even if I wanted too.
We are sitting under a tree on the mall in DC, it is a beautiful day and with the sun shining I may even get a slight tan. Just sitting here is so nice, it is constable even though we are silent. I feel you put your hand on mine, turning my head round I see the smile tugging at your lips along with the uncertainty in your eyes, I quickly flip my hand over and entwine our fingers, smiling fully now I lift our hands and place a gentle kiss on yours.The house feels cold, the pictures lining the walls all have a layer of dust on them, I see you standing in front of the fireplace chiding me about the lack of housework being done, it is breaking my heart being here but I know I have things to do, I start to take down all the photos of us together, I just can't feel that happiness any more and looking at it just reminds me what I am missing.
We have just got back from a case, all I really want to do is get a shower and go to bed, then I look at you walking to your office and see you nearly dead on your feet. I or get about my own tiredness, striding to your office I make sure you have everything then take you home and make sure you eat, we haven't had much time to talk about where we are with each other, I know what I want us to be but I need you to get to that point with me. As soon as you have showered and eaten I go to leave when I hear a whispered "stay, please Em, I need you tonight" at that I am back by your side and walking you upstairs. For the next two days we didn't leave your apartment. I also got my answer after you ask what I should be introduced as to people, I am just about to make a sarcastic comment when I see the emotions in your face "girlfriend would be nice" at that you nod and smile, I have never felt so happy at such a small thing.
Walking out the front door I take one last look and lock up, it feels like I am betraying you somehow, this is a house that we made our home, one that we shaped and changed together, so many happy memories, I can feel my eyes tearing up, I have to leave now or I won't, i have to let it go. Walking to the sidewalk and closing the gate, feeling the warm wood under my hand, I take one last look, a small smile then I turn and get in the SUV and leave.
The case is getting to us all, the strain is showing in everyone. Garcia is losing her cheeriness, Morgan is pacing uncontrollably, Reid keeps saying really random facts, hitch has a permanent frown on his face. I see you standing there and to anyone else you would look calm, collected, apart from I'm not anyone and I see you falling apart inside the same way I am. The unsub has already made it clear who his next target will be and there is only so much protection that we can give. I hope we get to him first.
This is the last stop before I leave. I couldn't stay in the FBI anymore, although I was there I wasn't really and I couldn't stay, I wasn't helping anyone, least of all the victims. Climbing out of the car, walking along the small gravel path I find what I came here for. I take the flowers out of their wrappings and reorganise them, you always did like it when I did that. Thinking back to that last case, we all knew you were his target, I know we did everything we could I still blame myself, when I saw that bullet hit you I nearly died right there, running over I could hear my heart pounding, my palms getting sweaty, I prayed to every god I could think of to save you. Gathering you up in my arms and putting pressure to the wound on your neck I feel the blood seeping through my hands, there are shouts everywhere and more gunshots but all I see is you, you are trying to speak but all you are doing is coughing blood, "I...love...you" is all you get out, I am crying and I tell you I love you too, your slipping away, your eyes are closing longer and longer. Pulling you close I whisper "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you, I will never stop loving you, please don't leave me". Your eyes close and the heartbeat under my hands stop, the medics arrive and try to revive you but after ten minutes they declare you gone.
After that everything was a blur, the funeral I can't remember and everyday since has been so painful I have blocked it out, I don't know how I am going to do this. I put the flowers on your grave, resting my hand on the stone, it is the closest I will get to you, "Hey you, i brought you some fresh flowers, yellow roses, your favourite. I have something to tell you and I want you to understand, I know you will as you always do. I can't stay there anymore, I know i said I would but I can't. I'm going away for a little while, I will be back, but I need to try and get past this pain, the darkness is everywhere and I need to find my way back to the light, I need to remember you without breaking every time I do. I hope you understand, I will never forget you. I'll be back to see you soon, I love you Jay"