This story is written for the 'Many Faces of Jasper Contest'
Penname: ClumsyInLove4U
Chosen Face: Sadsper
Disclaimer: All publicly recognised character are property of SM. No copyright infringement is intended
Rating: M (13+)
Point of View: Jasper
To Die For
Bells only symbolize one thing; death.
Bells stole my world from me; my only love, my best friend, my partner in crime, and most of all, my wife.
But I suppose the blame cannot be placed on bells alone, it can be placed on my own stupid reaction, my damn timing. It's my fault that she's gone.
Silent tears streaked down my face. Here alone, a widow, a father, and a lost little boy.
The odd passerby's glancing at this very window, will see something only few are allowed, they see me raw, and they see what true pain does to a person.
Time may heal the wounds, but the scars still remain.
I close the blinds on the windows, a last attempt to provide the feeling of peace to my soul.
But the emptiness has not fled, it has not even wavered, but for the sake of the ones that love me, that I love, I build a mask.
Upstairs I hear frequent footsteps, I hear my sweet darling son, asking for help, I hear him questioning why he is wearing such fancy clothing. But I hear no response, and for that I am glad, I cannot even rap my head around the fact that my wife is gone, how is he at the age of three going to cope?
I calm myself, trying to patch the few holes in my mask, that I so delicately created, my face remains neutral, with tinges of pain, I keep it that way: people will know I am grieving, but do not see the extent of my pain.
Two slow bells rings, then 3 slightly quicker ones follow after. I have asked the bell ringers to time it like this; I do nothing without a reason, the bells represent the important people my wife has left behind, two for Ethan and myself, and the three for our closest friends.
"Ti amo Alice, so che si sta guardando su di noi." I say to myself, before walking into the ceremony.
This s not a ceremony of happiness, this ia a cermony of death, hate, and supossidly closure. But I know deep down there will be no closeure, closure is overrated, it is not real. Continuing life is goal, but I am not ready, there are too many wounds; like a soilder in battle, I must get the nessecary medical care, before even thinking of fighting once again. But no medical could help me, only love, the love of the one that I have lost can help me.
The first two rows are reserved for close family and friends. It is a closed casket, heavens knows how I would react, and most importantly how I would explain to Ethan why is mother is lying in a wooden box, and is going to be lowered into a dark. I stop myself there I can't afford to break my mask now, expecially with my son quickly aproaching. I know he will try to scare me, it is his latest fixcation, but his loud feet give him away every time. But I allow him to sneak up behind me.
"Boo!" His voice echoes in the small room.
I fake my fright, for Ethan's 'male pride', I let out a quiet yelp.
This is not the time for these games but he is three and has lost a tremendous amount, even though he does not know quite yet.
"It me daddy!" He smiles as he comes into my peripheral view. "Did I sare you?"
"Yes, Ethan, you scared me, but now we have to be quit okay?" I pause waiting to see his response; he nods. "Good, come and sit next to daddy, and keep me company."
"Okay" He jumps into his chair.
He believes that this is another one of his mother's work party's. He believes that he will jet his usual chicken fingers, and get to talk to people that work with his mother.
That is how I set the atmosphere up, I do not care if it does not feel like a funeral, that is not how I intend to have it, this is for my son; 'everything I do, has a reason'.
It is your classic Catholic funeral readings. I monitor Ethan carefully, he shows no sign that he finds it different from the party's he is accustomed to going. Once again I am grateful.
It is time for people to come up and say a final farewell. But I stay seated, Ethan on my lap, I have no desires to get up, I know my walls will fall if I remove myself from this seat. Some may view me a cold hearted bastard, which does not bother me.
"Jasper go, I'll look after Ethan" The voice is familiar, but I have to look up to figure out who it is.
I see familiar black hair, and welcoming honey eyes, my mother, that is who it is, that just shows me how removed I am from the world.
I get up, I do not respond, in fear I may lose control. I cannot risk my composure in front of so many people.
The line is long, I do not immediately join instead I stare at the wooden box my life lay in, she's gone, going up there would just provide the truth. The truth hurts, it pains me. I stand watching people spying their respects to my wife. There is a tap on my shoulder. It is my sister, Rosaline.
"Jazz. Jasper, sorry, go"
I flinch at the name 'Jazz', her slip up hurts, no is allowed to call me 'Jazz', the only time you could was when Alice was alive, it her who made up the nickname. 'Jazz' died with my wife; my whole world died, and left Jasper. The only one I live for is my son, if I'm truly honest with myself, I also live for my friends, and parents.
I walk forward, by now the line is much smaller. I am at the very back, the last person to say goodbye. The line moves steadily, giving me time to reminisce.
Ethan and I were playing his favourite game of hide and seek, it was to waste time, until my wife came home and we could give Ethan his birthday gifts. I
It was his turn to hide, I gave him the usual 20 seconds.
"Ready or not, here I come" I called out.
I hear his giggles coming from upstairs, making my way up the stairs; I couldn't help but glance at the clock. 6:30 Alice is an hour late. I thought nothing of it; traffic on Mondays in Manhattan is terrible.
7:30.
8:30.
9:30.
10:30.
I could not sleep, Alice is not here yet, that troubles me deeply, an hour, even two hours late I can understand, but five hours, something is wrong, very wrong. Ethan is already asleep. Alice would never miss his bedtime, it is there special time.
Something deep down tells me that something horrible has happened but I push the feeling down.
I call Esme in hope she has heard from Alice.
"Esme?" My voice is thick with emotion.
"What's wrong dear?"
"You wouldn't have happened to hear from Alice, would you?"
"No dear, she's not home yet?" I hear the panic in Esme voice. She and Alice are extremely close.
"No"
"Carlisle is at the hospital, I'll call him"
I do not respond I don't have the strength to; I hang up the phone, without a 'goodbye'. Carlisle is the last person I want to hear from, I fear if I hear from him, my world will die.
No sooner than I hang up, the phone, and begin pacing it rings.
"Hello?"
It is not Carlisle that reply's, that allows me momentary relief, "Mr. Whitlock?"
"Yes, may I ask who this is?" I suspect it a telemarketer, but something once again tells me it is not.
"Mr. Whitlock, I advise you to take a seat"
Something is wrong; this is definitely not a telemarketer, but I follow the advice and take a seat, "Mr. Whitlock, your wife, was hit by a drunk driver, head on, her car was forced into a ditch where it flipped over three times. Your wife is being air lifted, to Princess Margret Hospital."
I froze at this information, I recall her not from earlier this morning.
Jazz,
I'll be home a little late, I am going to have to stop and get some last minute things for Ethan. OH, and don't worry about the cake, I can pick it up.
Love you with all my heart,
Alice
"You're lying"
"I am very sorry Sir"
The line goes dead.
My heart stops.
I die mentally.
My wife could be dead.
There is only one person that stands between me and my wife now, they are the last barrier.
They walk away.
I am alone. That wood box staring back at me confirms everything. It confirms what I have been trying to deny. I cannot turn back anymore, this is the end.
I reach my hand out and stroke the box gently. It is cold, there is no warmth.
"I love you Alice, never forget that, you mean everything to me, my life, my heart, my love, my guide and my light, the list goes on." I pause for a breath. "Why Alice? Why did you leave me? Don't you understand the pain? Ethan doesn't know yet, I fear telling him, you were always the best at keeping him calm when he cried. He misses your voice, and the stories you read to him, hell Alice, I do too. You always be with me. I need you, your caring touch, your gentle laugh, and your passionate kisses. What am I supposed to do?"
I do not notice the solitaire tear on my cheek, I do not worry that anyone will see it, I am too forced on grieving, and how I am supposed to move on.
I want to hate her, but I can't I love her too much.
I want to blame her, but I can only think of reasons to blame myself.
I want to hold her in my arms again, but she is dead, there is no coming back.
As I go back to sit down, father gives his lasts words, and the procession begins to head to the cemetery.
I watch as two people, take up my wife casket, and head out the door.
"Son, Carlisle and I will bring Ethan"
I nod, I cannot face my mother.
They leave, and the last few remaining people leave.
I sit alone.
"Jasper" I hear her voice.
I must be hallucinating.
"It's me Jazzy" Even now I can hear the smile in her voice.
"Alice" I whisper, my voice hoarse, from the unshed tears.
"I am here you know, open your eyes"
I do not recall closing them, but in any event, I open them.
She's standing in front of me, in all her beauty. She has a sad smile on her face. She is exactly the same.
"I miss you"
"I miss you more"
"Jasper?"
"Yes, Alice"
"You have to move on, forget me"
This instantly enrages me. "I cannot move on Alice you know that, I could never forget you, how can you even think that?"
"I never deserved you, Jasper"
"On the contrary I never deserved you Alice, you're so pure"
I smile lights up her face, but quickly replaced by a frown, "I am sorry, I should have tried harder"
She confuses me, "What are you talking about?"
"The car I should have tried harder to avoid it, it's my fault" A few tears make their way down her face.
"Alice, don't you even dare blame yourself"
"If you don't blame yourself"
She knows me too well, "How can I not?"
"You weren't the driver, you didn't do anything, and you were taking care of our son"
"I could have offered to."
"Jasper" She is furious.
"Sorry"
She instantly calms, "As am I, do me a favour?"
"Anything"
"Stay strong, and tell everyone I love them, especially Ethan, tell him I'm sorry, tell him I'm watching over him"
"Of course"
"I love you so much Jasper, more than you will ever know. I'll always be there, watching over, don't forget that" Tears are falling rapidly down her face.
"I love you too, more than the amount of stars in the sky, more than I am able to realise, I'll love you always and forever, it will never stop, and my love for you is eternal"
"Your wedding vows to me"
I smile, a true smile, she remembers, "Yes"
"Ethan, and everyone are waiting for you"
"Don't go"
"I was never gone, I am always close by"
"Will I see you again before I die?"
"Yes"
"When?"
"You're dreams"
"Thank you"
She steps toward me, she is directly in front of me, and the air between us is eliminated. Her lips quickly touch mine, I respond instantly.
But time is against me, and my time with her is over.
"See you Jasper, I love you"
"See you Alive, I love you"
Neither of us say goodbye. We will see each other again there is no need.
I leave the church in peace.
She has not left me completly.
Hope you guys enjoyed the fanfic. Once again this is an entry for the 'Many Faces of Jasper Contest' the link is on my profile. Voting begins tommorow. Feel free to leave a comment.