So I have a new laptop, and it's causing me to want to write and write and write and write.

Sorry! Ha!

Anyway 2014 is only a few days away, so I had an idea this morning as I was waking up... I may have even dreamed it I'm not sure. But here it is!

Happy new year to all of my wonderful readers and reviewers :)

You don't even know why you're here; you've been asking yourself the same question ever since you'd jumped on the bus that took you to this destination. You sit yourself down on the bench outside, looking up and watching people coming out of the main doors; some smiling who had obviously received good news and some crying who had obviously not.

There's one reason you're here and there's someone in that building that you have to go and show your appreciation for.

Brendan Brady.

You walk through the dim-light main corridor. Decorations still hanging from the ceilings, a old-tree which had obviously seen quite a few Christmas' beforehand, carols playing quietly in the background. This was not a normal Christmas holiday, why do hospitals pretend that it is? The people in here aren't celebrating, some of them are hardly even there really and wouldn't really know much different. The twenty-fifth of December is only a couple of days away; you should be helping Amy out with the last few presents for the children, helping Doug to choose out which food you'll need for your buffet. But you're not with either of the people you're supposed to care about, you're here with the one person who has made your life hell for the last few years. but he's also the same person who saved your life a week back.

You don't remember much from that night, you just remember a loud bang, lots of smoke and lots of screams. This was meant to be a Hollyoaks Christmas Party; a lot of people from the village had a night out in Chez Chez, helping to see the Christmas out with a bang. It wasn't the type of 'Bang' everyone had imagined though. You're not sure how or why, but somebody had planted a bomb in the club; obviously wanting to devastate Hollyoaks even more than 2013 had already. You remember your leg being trapped under something, crying out to anybody that could hear. You knew Doug was safe, you'd sent him home as he was up early the next morning to open up the deli and you'd stayed in the club with a few friends. You couldn't see them anywhere, and you were in lots of pain. That's when you heard Brendan, he was shouting asking if you were okay, that it'll be fine, he'll get you out of here. You couldn't quite see him, due to the smoke and darkness where the lights had shattered, but you could feel his presence. You should have pushed his hand away from your face, but him being here, even though you were no longer a couple felt nice. If you were to die, you wanted somebody who you cared about to be right there beside you. You'd fainted or become unconscious somewhere along the line, as the next thing you knew, you were in the hospital and Doug was sitting beside you in tears, explaining how Brendan had got you out to safety and ran back in to help the others, unaware that the floor above him was about to collapse.

You remember, sending Doug home and crying yourself to sleep; knowing Brendan was near to death in the same hospital as you and you couldn't even go to see him.

You were in a world of your own, and the nurse had to snap her fingers infront of your face to divert your attention from your earlier memories.

"Sorry." You smiled. "Was miles away there."

"It's fine love. Who you here to see?" She asked, watching your face for your response.

"Brendan Brady. Brendan, my... my friend." You replied. You didn't even know if that relationship was true, you'd ignored eachother for the last few months, but she seemed fine with it and showed you to his room.

You stopped outside, staring at the door handle. You were scared, scared of what you were going to see. Would he be awake? Would he just be sleeping? Would he be unconscious? In a coma?

The nurse turned round and saw you debating what to do, holding your shoulder, she started to talk. "It's going to be a bit of a shock when you see him okay? He's got a bandage around his head and his leg is in a plaster cast. He's going to look a bit tired. But he's still the same Brendan he's just having a little rest." She smiled at you again, standing there until you'd opened the door and walked in.

You couldn't help the single tear that rolled down your face seeing him like this. It just wasn't normal. Brendan wasn't the sort of person to look weak, vulnerable, on the edge of life. He was supposed to be the strong one, the one that would intimidate anyone within a foot of him, but instead he was in a hospital bed, wires coming out from everywhere and just.. not Brendan.

You remember once, visiting your Nan in hospital when she was on the edge of her life, people kept talking to her. They said that she could hear everything that was said to her, even though she was dying. You didn't know how true that was, but you decided, there's nobody else here, so you may aswel talk to Brendan, even if he couldn't answer you back.

"So... I visited you." You started, smiling and holding onto Brendan's hand. "Didn't want to keep listening to Doug go on and on and on about the accident. He wasn't even there... you was.. you stayed with me and you were the one that was hurt the most Brendan. Why did you save me? Now you're hurt and it's all my fault."

You looked away from has face for a split second, wiping your tears away with the cuff of your hoodie sleeve. "Thank you though... for saving me. I should probably repay you someday - not going to risk my life for you though. I'll buy you one of them disgusting black, thick, Irish drinks you like."

You stayed there with Brendan for a good hour or so, just chatting, remembering things that you used to do when you'd worked together. The pranks you'd both play on the other bar stuff, the privileges you'd received and nobody else would. You could feel some of your old feelings coming back, but you shook them out of your head, went to the chip shop and bought you and Doug a battered sausage and chips. You needed normality.

Laying on the sofa watching a film in silence, was something you and Doug did every Friday night, your head on his chest, your legs entwined. You wouldn't need to say anything, could just feel your hearts beating together. Doug had asked where you'd gone during the afternoon, and you're not sure why; but you lied. You lied to your husband. You couldn't tell him the truth, he'd make something out of nothing, make out you and Brendan were having some crazed affair as he laid in his hospital bed. It was easier to make out that you'd been shopping for Doug's Christmas presents.

"Ste?" He said, just as you were starting to drift off. "Do you want to talk about what happened? I feel so bad that I left you there an..."

"No." You whispered. "I don't want to talk about anything." You said, closing your eyes again.

"It'll help you know, come to terms with everything."

"I'm fine Doug." You looked up to his face, kissing him softly. "There's nothing to worry about. Honest."

He couldn't leave it there though, he'd gone on and on again, saying how you never talk about things with him. Why would you want to talk about a situation where you'd nearly died? Who does that? You did the first thing that came to your head, grabbing your coat and going to the only place where you felt safe. With Brendan.

You knew hospital visiting hours were over, but you'd managed to sneak in without being noticed, took off your coat and sat in your normal seat next to Brendan's bed. It was late, you should be at home with the person that you're supposed to love, but you're not. You're here with your ex... ex.. lover? You don't even know what you were. He was hardly your boyfriend, as much as you wished he was. Sitting here with Brendan, brings all your old memories back. He looks so peaceful sleeping, and It reminds you of the rare times that you would stay at his flat overnight and you'd just watch him sleep, and push his hair away from his face. You take in a deep breath and grab his hand again.

"Wake up Brendan please." You'd said, taking his hand closer to your mouth and kissing it. "I miss you being annoying."

You heard a noise, near the door and looked up to see a nurse standing there, the one that helped you earlier. She seemed nice; she didn't kick off that you were here this late.

"You okay love?" She'd asked, noticing your tear-stained cheeks.

You nodded, could hardly form words.

"He's more than a friend isn't he?" She asked, walking further towards you. You should shout at her to mind her own business really; she was just a nurse, what right does she have to put her nose into your private life. She didn't know you though, she didn't know Doug, she didn't know Brendan or Amy. There was probably no harm in opening up to her.

You nodded again, deciding to speak. "We were sort of on and off a few years back... we're both.. we're both gay." You turned to her, seeing if she'd judged you or not, but she hadn't, so you continued. "Then shit happened, and I'm now married to some other guy. He's American, he's nice, he loves me, but.."

"He's not Brendan?" She finished for you. You'd known her a day, yet she knew you probably more than you know yourself. It was true. Doug wasn't Brendan, and that's probably why you feel like you feel. Doug's asked you numerous times to move away with him, start fresh but you can't bring yourself to do it. You don't see a future with Doug, you're just with him because there's nobody else around.

"I loved him, I think I still love him. He saved me in more ways than he realises. He's everything to me."

Brendan moved then, and you'd wondered if he'd just heard everything you'd just confessed.

It's Christmas Day now, and there's no transport so you can't visit Brendan, so you busy yourself with Doug, Amy and the children. You have a bit of a cold, so you don't feel like going out in the snow, so Doug obliges and goes to play with Leah and Lucas. You and Amy prepare the food for serving.

Amy keeps giving you unusual looks, one's you've never seen her give to you before.

"What?" You finally say, after she keeps watching you and not talking.

"You're different." She says, looking at you more deeply this time.

"Yes Amy I'm ill." You huff, blowing your nose for the hundredth time today.

"More than that." She says, studying you. "You're keeping something from us all.

You laugh at that, why do women always have some sort of fifth sense? "Like?"

"You tell me. Doug's worried about you, all you're doing is sneaking off and not telling anybody where you're going."

"Nice of him to talk to me about this ain't it?"

"Ste." She warns, knows you're about to explode.

"Where does he think I go hm?"

"To visit Brendan."

That stops you in your tracks and you're not really sure how to respond. "Wha..Brendan? Huh, don't be stupid Ames."

"Okay that's just told me everything I needed to know. He doesn't think that by the way. I do. You're visiting Brendan."

"So what if I am? He's my friend, he saved my life, am I meant to ignore him? Cheryl's on holiday, and I don't want to ruin it for her okay, and Brendan wouldn't want me to either. I'm the only one who can visit him, so I do."

"Friend. Right okay." She responds, sarcastically.

"Yes friends."

"Do you love him?"

That stops you in your tracks. Yes you love him, he's all you can think about every single day. You think of him when you're laying next to your husband in bed, you dream of him, he's the first thing you want to see when you wake up. You love him more and more each day.

"I love Doug."

Amy huffs and walks off. You know she's got you sussed. Shit.

Brendans POV

Your head is pounding, you feel like you've had five round with Mike Tyson, your leg feels that dead you wouldn't even feel it if it was chopped off. You feel like crap. You're sure you heard Steven here a couple of nights ago, talking to some woman, but you can't be sure it was him. You remember saving him from the wreckage, he is your life, and if he died then you wouldn't have one left.

You hate that he's with Doug, you've changed now, you would happily hold his hand strolling through the village, kiss him in front of onlookers, push his hair back from his face. You still love him, saving his life was something you didn't need to think twice about. But he's taken, and you just have to live with that.

You ring the nurse station bell, noticing that you have no water left and your mouth feels as dry as the Sahara. She comes bounding in, taking your request and bringing you some fresh water. It feels like heaven. She turns to leave, but turns back to you in quick succession.

"You've got a good friend there, don't ever lose him."

So it was Steven she was talking to. That makes you smile, he's visited you.

Cheryl's back from her holiday, finding out that you were in hospital, moaning about how nobody told her. You're glad that Steven knows you so well, deep down you didn't want to spoil Cheryl and Nate's holiday to the Bahama's, the one she'd been excited about since they'd booked it last year, and you're thankful to Steven for not telling your sister. You'd told Cheryl all what happened, how you'd got Steven out, and decided to go back into try and help other people. You talk mostly about how Steven looked, how you didn't know if he'd lived, how you didn't want to leave him, but you'd hate yourself forever if you could spare some other families of losing loved ones at Christmas. Then it dawns on you that Cheryl could have lost you.

"Aww my big brother, always looking out for others eh? Have Ste and Doug visited you?" She asked.

"Steven has, Douglas I don't think so."

"Ste came alone?"

"Mhm" You'd said, it still confused you. By the way the nurses knew things, you'd have put a hefty bet on it being more than once too.

"Brendan." Cheryl had started and you'd lifted yourself up to face her. "You and Ste... are you..."

"No. As much as I'd love that to happen, no."

"You still have feelings for him don't you?"

"I love him more than he'll ever realise. I'd marry him tomorrow."

That was the first time you'd ever been so honest with your sister.

Ste's POV

You look down at your phone, realising it's probably yet another text from someone you never see wishing you a merry Christmas, but the name stops you in your tracks

New Text from Brendan

Thank you B

That was all it said - thank you. What was Brendan thankful for? You should be the thankful one, you hadn't done anything for Brendan to show his gratitude for. You quickly typed a quick text back, smiling that he'd finally woken up and the nurses hadn't told you.

New Text To Brendan

What are you thankful for? I should be thanking you. Nice to know you're finally awake Ste x

You got a reply in record succession

New Text From Brendan

Just being you. When can I see you? B

That made you smile, before looking around and making sure nobody saw you.

New Text To Brendan

Tomorrow Ste x

It's boxing day and you made up an excuse to Doug that you were going to spend a few hours with your sisters and niece. You obviously wasn't going to do that, instead you were going behind your partner's back again and going to see the one person you couldn't get off of your mind. You'd come armed with mountains of magazines, a crossword, word search, crisps, piles of sweets and grapes...because you have to take grapes to the hospital right?

You'd walked into the room, not wiping the smile from your face. Throwing all of the bags onto the bed, running over to Brendan and hugging him. You're not entirely sure why that happened, blaming it on being thankful to him again.

You knew deep down it was more than that.

"That was...nice." Brendan said, smirking at you.

"Shut up and eat all this food I've bought us." You replied back, opening all of the bags and throwing the contents around the bed.

"Grapes Steven, great to know you're thinking of your health while eating Maltesers and Monster Munch."

Being with Brendan made you feel comfortable, there were no silences, no awkwardness. It was as if you hadn't just spent months not uttering one word to each other.

You'd been doing the crossword together for a good few minutes now and you did not know one answer.

"'Ere Bren. The Queens name. I thought it was Liz, but it's got nine letters?" You looked at him confused.

"That's because it's Elizabeth, Steven. Liz is as bad as Ste."

You'd chuckled, Brendan hadn't lost his humour.

You'd argued with Doug non-stop the last few days. You were all supposed to go out and celebrate the new year together; him, you, Amy and Amy's new beau. Amy had shot her mouth off though, she said it was accident but she had let slip about you going to see Brendan. You'd told her at first, that you were only visiting while Cheryl was away, but she was back now, yet you were still visiting Brendan, still texting Brendan, and still thinking about Brendan.

Doug had started crying, obviously, he always did in tough situations. He was begging you not to leave him for Brendan, almost going down onto his knees pleading with you. You knew you cared for Doug, but you were never in love with him, like you're supposed to be with a husband.

You knew it was over, you both didn't even need to mutter the words.

The truth was, you'd just lost your husband because you can't stop thinking about another man. Another man, who doesn't even reciprocate your feelings. But right now, at this moment, you didn't give a fuck.

You'd stormed out the house, only noticing once you were outside that you only had loose tracksuit bottoms and a T-Shirt on, in the December bitterness. You couldn't go back in though, you knew that was one of the last conversations you would ever have together.

Brendan was shocked when you walked in, carrier bag in hand, cluttering.

"What's in the bag Steven?"

"I need to get pissed, like proper pissed. I got whisky."

"Well crack it open then lad!" Brendan had sat up in his bed, back resting against the pillow, pain rising up his leg as he did so.

You knew you both shouldn't drink, both of you were still on painkillers and it was recommended that you don't drink while on them. But you told yourself you needed to, it was New Year and you'd just said goodbye to your husband. You didn't bother with glasses, you and Brendan had shared more germs before.

"Steven, are you okay?" Brendan asked, it made you giggle how he was the one in hospital yet he was asking how you were.

"I just broke up with Doug. Wasn't working, kept arguing. So yeah."

"I'm sorry" Brendan said. "You might work it out."

"We won't."

Silence endured.

"You read the magazines yet?" You asked him, pointing towards them on the table. "What about that porn one you like?"

"It's a men's health magazine."

"Same difference. I remember you sending me out to buy one of them once, how didn't I know you were gay then?"

"Shut up Steven." Brendan smiled, gulping more drink.

You'd made idle chit-chat for the past few hours, and you had no intention of going 'home', you're not even sure you have one anymore. Brendan had put BBC1 on, when they're at Big Ben, in London counting down to the new year, the new fresh start of 2014. You turn to him, smiling once again- it's all you've done tonight.

"Got any New Years resolutions Steven?" Brendan had asked you. You had plenty, ones that included him wanting you again, fucking you against the wall, taking you on holiday.

"No not really. Just to not fuck my life up again and make shit decisions. You?"

"That you'd come back to me." Brendan looked to the other side of the room then, almost wishing he hadn't said it. You waited for him to speak, but he didn't.

"Me too." You responded, and could have laughed at how quick Brendan turned his head back to you. "I wish we'd get another chance Brendan, another chance at happiness. I..I.."

"I still love you Steven." Brendan said, smiling at you, finishing your sentence.

The countdown started on the television

10 You smiled again, hiding behind your hand, laughing like a schoolgirl.

9 You moved from the chair, still a bit dizzy on your feet.

8 You moved closer to Brendan

7 Even closer again

6 You took Brendan's hand in yours, and he didn't push it away.

5 You bought his hand up to your mouth

4 You kissed it, like you did a few days ago.

3 You moved your face nearer to Brendan's, there was hardly any space between you.

2 You both said it again, in sequence this time. I love you.

1 You pushed your lips onto Brendan's, smiling as you could feel his moving in sync with yours

You both pulled away, foreheads still touching, both of you smiling at each other.

"Happy New Year Steven." Brendan whispered.

2014 was the best start to a year you have ever had.

You've both been back together a few months now. The day Brendan was released was the most happiest of times. Both you and Cheryl had gone to pick him up, helping him into a wheelchair, which he'd cursed at you both for. He was too muscly to carry and support all the way to the car, so the chair was the only option. You'd told him that you'd ride him when you were home to make up for it. You'd gone back to his house then, and you haven't left since that day. All of your things are there, your clothes, toothbrush, games consoles, all the children's things for when they come over and stay.

Yes, Amy actually let's Brendan have contact with them. It confused you too, until you'd found out that she'd visited Brendan in hospital and he'd confessed how he still loved you as much as he did when he'd first told you that he did. She'd seemed to noticed he'd change then.

So here you are now, on holiday (yes you'd actually got one of your wishes) with your boyfriend, lying across him on a sunbed. He'd told you that he burns easily and he prefers the feel of you, rather than sun cream.

Cheeky shit.

"Fancy a shower Steven?" Brendan had asked you as you'd come in from the glaring heat.

"I'd fancy something better." You'd replied, jumping onto Brendan and wrapping your legs around his waist. He'd lost his balance a little, and ended up on top of you on the bed. "Fuck me." You'd growled.

"I will." He'd growled back, removing his and your swimming shorts in quick succession. Condoms were a thing of the past now, you'd both got tested and got the all-clear, which made the push of him inside you have a whole different feeling without the barrier of the rubber.

Brendan made quick work of preparing you, slipping two fingers in, and then three right down to the knuckle. It had you calling out his name within seconds, begging him to stick his nine inches inside of you.

Brendan had been different since you'd got back together, never took you from behind, always wanted to stare into your eyes as he made love to you. Wanted to see you come apart, and you did. Every single time.

You lay in bed now, the air condition on the coolest setting, cum and sweat stuck to both of your bodies.

"I spoke to Cheryl all those months back in the hospital, you know what I said Steven?"

"Are we seriously discussing Cheryl after you've just fucked me?" You asked, Brendan rolled his eyes. "Go on what did you tell her?"

"That I wished you'd ask me to marry you and not Douglas."

"You wh..." You started, but didn't know how to finish the question. "Did you just ask me to marry you?"

"Depends what your answer would be."

"It'd be yes."

"Okay that was a proposal then."

"That was the lamest proposal ever Mr Brady."

"What else do you expect. We're getting married on New Years Eve 2014 by the way. Let's see if this New Years Eve beats last years eh?"

You'd both laughed, and discussed your wedding plans for the rest of the night.

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS! :) X