Author´s note: What can I say? Candy just bugs me. I make no apologies :)
The Ebon Hawk. CARTHBASTILAJUHANIMISSIONT3-M4JOLEE and ZAALBAR are sitting in the main hold. Mission and Zaalbar are playing Paazak, Carth and Bastila are studying star charts and discussing the next course of action, with Juhani looking on but not commenting. Jolee is putting together a med pack while humming a hit song from forty years earlier under his breath. T3 is in standby mode. It´s quiet and everyone is minding their own business.
An overly loud stomping sound is heard approaching and CANDEROUS enters, with his heavy repeater slung across a shoulder. He clances over the room with a contemptful sneer.
CANDEROUS: It´s too quiet around here! What are you pansies all doing? Sitting around? There are battles to fight!
CARTH looks up from the charts.
CARTH: We´re on a mission Canderous, not a joyride. We´ll fight when we have too.
CANDEROUS: Hah! How like a Republic sissy! We would have kicked your asses beyond the Outer Rim in no time if Revan hadn´t joined the fight!
MISSION: Aha. Sure, whatever you say Mr. Fortune Teller. But she DID and that´s just how it is. And just so you know it: That´s getting really old. Just like yourself.
CANDEROUS: Ah, what do you know? C´mon people, let´s kill something! Let´s test our mettle in glorious combat! Urr!
BASTILA: Glorious? Oh, you mean like the tactics your people used to take the outer rim? Sweep in on unsuspecting, and often technologically backwards planets in massive surprise attacks? Like on Cathar?
JUHANI: Indeed . . .
CANDEROUS: Bah! It was glorious dammit! Parts flying everywhere, and stuff blowing up and people screaming and dying and children on fire! What more could there be to life?
JOLEE speaks without looking up from the medpack.
JOLEE: (dryly) Doing something . . . constructive, maybe?
CANDEROUS: Screw that!
JOLEE: My, what a beautiful, eloquent soul you have there . . .
BASTILA: Or helping those weaker than youself, rather than crushing them under your heel?
CANDEROUS: Puh! You´ve been hanging around sissy-boy, the old relic and the furball too much, Princess. How´d you like a taste of a real man? Huh? Huh? C´mon, how could you resist? Look at my maaanly battle-scars!
BASTILA is appalled.
BASTILA: What! We´re polar opposites you obnoxious, simple-minded brute! My life is a quest for justice and the defense of innocent life! Yours is a quest for bigger and bigger explosions! And you´re OLD! A few more years and you´ll be fighting arthritis!
JOLEE: (under his breath) And impotence.
CANDEROUS: HAH! I´m more of a man than your pal sissy-boy over there will ever be!
BASTILA: Carth is a kind, decent human being who . . .
CARTH slams his fist into the table. CANDEROUS makes with an exaggerated "Oooohhh!" expression.
CARTH: Okay Canderous, I want to know here and now what I´ve done to earn these petty attacks! Or everyone we come across, for that matter! Do you have a neurological disorder or something?
CANDEROUS: I don´t need a stinking reason! (shakes his fist into the air) I AM CANDEROUS ORDO, DAMMIT! You should all bow down to my Mandalorian superiority!
JUHANI: The remains of your "superior" people have descended into petty banditry and killing-for-hire.
MISSION: Yeah, and there was this one gigolo on Taris.
CANDEROUS slams his foot into the floor a few times with frustration.
CANDEROUS: Oh, come on, just find me a damn battle already!
CARTH: We´re not here to amuse you, you stupid war junkie! Go use HK´s simulation program to re-live your glory days of honorable genocide or something!
CANDEROUS picks up his heavy repeater and waves it around.
CANDEROUS: Hell yeah, honorable genocide! Do you know how many people I´ve killed? I´m the coolest person you people have ever met! Look at the size of my blaster! I´ll take on anyone in this room! I AM A WARRIOR!
Even JOLEE is getting visibly annoyed. Especially at the slight spittle flying out of CANDEROUS´S mouth.
JOLEE: Well, none of us are! And we don´t kill or fight for amusement. I would have thought the war had tought you that.
CANDEROUS haw-haws savagely.
CANDEROUS: Yeah, it taught me a few things. Taught me Republic wussies need 'provocation' to fight! How´s this for a freaking provocation!
CANDEROUS flips the safety off his heavy repeater and levels it at MISSION. BASTILA throws her hand out and uses the Force to bend the barrell 90° degrees, facing downwards.
CANDEROUS looks in shock at his beloved weapon, now useless. ZAALBAR, furious at the threat to MISSION, enters a Wookie rage, leaps out of his chair and tackles CANDEROUS out into the hallway. The sounds of a savage beating follow.
Everyone remaining has a look of weary disbelief on their faces.
MISSION: Man, what a dousche.
CARTH: Why on earth did Tana invite him to follow us off of Dantooine?
TANA´S voice is heard from the cockpit.
TANA: WHAT? I thought Bastila invited him.
BASTILA: Me? I thought Carth did.
The sounds in the hallway start turning somewhat . . . wet.
MISSION: So . . . Paazak anyone?