Paulo glared into his bathroom mirror. His eyes followed the outline of his head, leading to the pout of his lips and curvature of his nose. He criticized the narrowness of his shoulders, the petiteness of his chest, the brashness of his face, and the wildness of his hair. He swallowed. For a moment, his eyes closed and he took a cautious breath, but the same person was still standing before him a moment later. Whether or not it was the same person he had known a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago, he could not say.
He headed toward the kitchen to grab a glass of water. His throat was dry. He took a passing glance at the white home phone connected to its receiver, a faded white wire hanging below. He licked his bottom lip and swallowed again. Everything seemed to silently mock him.
The tap water was warm against his throat, and didn't do much to refresh him. He had just brushed his teeth, so everything tastes like watered down mint. Not that he was that thirsty anyway. His lips tightened and he sighed through his nose.
"Why is this happening to me?" He whispered.
He paced back and forth, still in the kitchen, trying to organize the jumbled mess rattling around in his head. But all he could think about was the beating of his heart and the dull sway the world around him had taken on. He felt lightheaded.
He left the kitchen and headed for the living room. He went to sit on the couch, but found himself immediately uncomfortable. He stood again and resumed pacing.
"Oh my god."
A few more minutes went by. He took frequent glances at the clock, and his pacing grew increasingly fervent.
His pacing was interrupted with three loud knocks on his front door. He inhaled, pulling his lips into his mouth and pressing them together. For a moment his breathing stopped, along with the rest of his body. His heart was racing and his flesh was tingling.
He headed for the door and reached out for the knob. He waited there for a moment, too afraid to the take the next step. Finally, with a heavy breath, he grabbed the knob and opened the door.
It was almost insulting how carefree Mike was, standing there, looking down at his phone. As he looked up, Paulo saw a look of friendliness, mixed with an apprehension he had never perceived from him before. He wondered if Mike was on to him, if those big green eyes knew what was going through his mind. There was a sensation building in Paulo's gut, one he was very familiar with. He needed to sit down.
"Oh, uh, hey, Mike!"
"Hey, Paulo."
Paulo stood by the door and allowed Mike in. He closed it behind him. The brief moment of closeness between them caused the fur on the back Paulo's neck to tingle and rise. He closed the door and walked past Mike.
"We can just head up to my room, I guess."
"Okay." Mike looked around. "Sounds good to me."
He led the way upstairs.
"So... what's up?"
"... Hmm, nothing too much. Sorry I got here so late. I had to mow the lawn." Mike was staring at his phone.
"Oh, no, it's cool. It isn't really that late."
Mike didn't reply.
They entered Paulo's room. Mike gave a quick glance around as he always did. Paulo had been sure to clean up before his arrival. He had never done that before, but he couldn't stand Mike seeing his room a mess like it usually was.
Mike didn't comment on the unexpected tidiness of the room, but Paulo could tell in his eyes that he had taken notice. It brought him pleasure to know his cleaning had in someway been recognized. Deep down, he chastised himself, knowing cleaning was the kind of thing he needed to be doing regardless of company.
"So where did you want to do this? On the floor? On the bed?"
"Hmm? Oh, uh, I mean either is fine with me. I guess the bed would be more comf-" He paused to swallow the saliva in his throat. "Comfortable."
"Okay." Mike sat down on the side of the bed without an end table, closest to the door, and placed his backpack at his feet.
Paulo walked to the other side of the bed, a small debate on whether or not he had made the right choice carrying on in his mind. He sat there for a few moments, too engrossed in the situation to take another step.
"You have your textbook? This is for math, right?"
"Huh? O-oh, yeah. I mean, y-yeah it's for math... But, I don't think... I... Oh shit."
"... Did you leave it at school?" Mike's response felt uncharacteristically harsh.
Paulo looked at him with an almost pleading smile. "Yeah, I think so."
"Hmm," Mike's expression quickly softened. "Yeah, that's okay, you can share my book."
"Oh." Paulo's face showed worry. "Yeah, okay, thanks."
Mike leaned over to reach in his backpack, all the while Paulo sat there, unable to look at him.
The book sunk into the center of the soft bed while Mike propped himself up against some pillows and stretched out. Paulo stole a glance at his narrow body, swiftly looking away. Mike picked up the book and covered his lap with it. Paulo felt a strange sense of scant relief, but it was soon undermined by his own thoughts.
Paulo watched Mike's eyes scan the pages, and he watched his nimble fingers flip through pages. He could imagine himself sitting there just as Mike was, his body positioned close enough so that the fringes of their body heat could connect. He would examine the problems in the book as Mike would explain to him how each one was done. Mike would look over at him and his eyes would be so big...
Paulo inhaled and stood up.
"You thirsty?"
"Yeah, a bit."
"You want some soda?"
"Hmm, would water be alright?"
"Oh, yeah, I can do that. No problem. I'll be right back... d-dweeb."
Mike's eyebrows furled and he looked up, but Paulo was already out of the room.
Paulo's fists clenched as walked downstairs.
"Damn it! Why did I say that?"
His heart was suddenly pumping rage throughout his body.
"God that was so fucking stupid I am such a fucking idiot." He swallowed. "He probably thinks I am total moron and I wouldn't blame him. And even if he doesn't..."
His words trailed off as his thoughts drifted into forbidden territory. The rage started to fade as anxiety again took hold of him.
"Jesus Christ I need to calm down. This isn't... anything. I am just being stupid like always. Just because when I kissed Abbey I... I mean I... I didn't... Fuck!" Paulo bit down on his lower lip as he walked back upstairs with two glasses of water.
The moment he entered the room he felt his heart flutter again, realizing the last thing he had said to Mike had been a poorly timed and entirely unnecessary insult. The feeling didn't last. Exhaustion trumped his worry. Mike didn't seem to be bothered by it anymore anyway. Paulo sat down next to him and handed one of the glasses to him.
"Thanks." Mike took a sip and handed it back to Paulo to put it on his end table.
Paulo remained still for a moment and took a deep breath.
"You alright?"
Paulo looked over at him surprised. "H-huh? Why do you ask?"
"I dunno..." Mike looked at him with suspicious eyes. "You just seem..."
Paulo's breath picked up again. He looked into Mike's eyes, but found their exuberance too overwhelming. He tried to look away, but he found them too divine to ignore.
"You just seem like something is bothering you is all."
"Ha ha." Paulo's laugh was painfully fake to both of them. "Don't be an idiot, I am fine. Just look at me!" He gave a confident grin.
"Hmm.." Mike's eyes squinted.
Paulo continued to grin.
"Hmmmmm..."
Paulo felt himself begin to sweat.
"Hm."
"..."
"Paulo... Are you wearing cologne?"
Paulo didn't move. "... No?"
Mike's lips seemed to turn sideways.
"W-well, I always wear cologne, I mean!"
Mike faced forward and closed his eyes. He slammed the book shut and set it in the middle of the bed.
"You didn't invite me here for tutoring did you?"
Paulo felt his face grow hot as a wave of panic started in his spine and spread throughout his body.
"W-w-what are you- w-wha-what do you mean?"
"It is obvious something is bothering you, Paulo." Mike sighed, regretfully. "And since you decided to come to me about it - granted in a very... strange way - I will listen. So what is up?"
"I... I... I didn't mean to like, make you think... that... I am just..." Paulo was growing increasingly annoyed as he spoke. "It's just, it is nothing, and I just wanted... I mean, like, all I want is you to like... just... just... fucking teach me math or something!" He punched his bed as hard as he could.
Mike's expression went from surprise, to anger, and then quickly to concern. He leaned forward and placed his hand on Paulo's shoulder.
"Paulo..."
Paulo's throat made a strange noise from the suddenness of the contact. He jumped up.
"Ugh! Don't touch me!"
Mike recoiled, fear showing on his face for a moment. And then shortly after, anger.
"Paulo, you don't have to be such an asshole all the time! I am trying to-"
"I'm not being an asshole! I-I am just... pissed, okay?! I just... just teach me the fucking math and forget about it! Fuck!"
"Urg!" Mike pulled at the fur on his face and looked at Paulo with an expression more hateful than he had intended. "Paulo you are a total IDIOT!"
Paulo opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. His expression softened slightly.
"This doesn't have ANYTHING to do with math and we both KNOW it! So how about you stop being a fucking BABY and you tell me why the fuck you invited me over!"
Paulo was squinting his eyes, his lips curling into a frown. His jaw grew steadily tighter as he struggled to find words in the ever growing awkwardness of the silence.
"You know what, Mike? How about you just fucking leave?! I knew this was a fucking mistake!"
"Bssh, whatever. This is ridiculous. I should have known better than to come over here... what a waste of time... ridiculous." Mike collected his book and placed it into his backpack. He grabbed the backpack, stood up, and walked toward the door. He turned around to grab the door, and gave a passing look of disgust to Paulo. He slammed the door behind him.
Paulo stood there, breathing heavy. He felt like a total idiot. He was beginning to calm down, and with that calmness there came a crushing feeling of loneliness from the bottom his chest.
A moment later, the door knob turned and Mike looked in.
"Paulo, are you... crying?"
The anger seemed to melt off Paulo's face. The only thing left in his expression was a mixture of embarrassment and fear.
"W-what?! No! I'm not crying!"
"..."
"Shut up...! What? What are you looking at?! Why don't you just get out of here already?!" Paulo wiped the tears from the corner of his eyes and looked to the ground with a frown.
"Paulo..."
"Look, I am not crying, okay?! I just... I just got a little worked up is all I am not crying!"
"Yeah, yeah." Mike walked in and set his backpack down. "It's fine." He sighed.
"What are you doing? I thought you were leaving." Paulo wasn't yelling anymore, but his frown had only grown more deadly.
"... I changed my mind." Mike gave him a soft, understanding smile.
"Ugh!" Paulo quickly diverted his gaze. "Maybe I don't want you hear anymore."
Mike sighed again and let the forced smile drop. "Paulo, look, why don't you just make this easy and tell me what is wrong. I am not going to tell anybody, I promise."
Paulo responded by crossing his arm. He kept his eyes diverted, with momentary exceptions where their eyes would meet and Paulo would quickly look away again. Considering everything, Mike counted his silence as a victory.
"Okay, well, what if instead of all that, we just practice math for now. If you wanna talk to me then you can, and if you decide you don't want to then you don't have to."
Paulo's expression softened a bit, but he remained a childish brand of stoic.
Mike could tell this was not going to be easy, so he decided to just grab his backpack and walk over to Paulo's bed. He sat down on the same side and grabbed his book.
Paulo reluctantly joined him on the opposite side, arms still crossed. His expression was beginning to ease up.
Mike laid down on the bed like he had before and placed the book on his lap, but Paulo hadn't yet turned around. He sat for a moment before sighing and getting back up on his feet.
Paulo watched him tentatively from the corner of his eye as he came into view. He felt his body tighten and pull backward as Mike sat down next to him.
Mike placed the book on his lap and opened it up. He started to once again flip through the pages, calmly searching for the chapter they were on in class. When he found the section he was looking for, he looked up at Paulo. Paulo had been staring at him, but the moment Mike looked up and met Paulo's eyes, his head twisted in the opposite direction in a swift, uncomfortable jerk.
Mike frowned. "Quadratics."
"... What?"
"Quadratics, Paulo."
"I don't care about quadratics."
"Well, you should. There is going to be a test on Monday."
"I don't care about that either."
Mike closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Paulo, seriously. You have to work with me here."
"There is nothing to work with." Paulo was pouting and looking the other way.
"You're being a child."
"...You're being a child."
"... Seriously? I mean, are you really gonna do this right now?" Mike couldn't hide the annoyance any longer.
"... Idiot."
Mike sat there for a moment staring at the back of his head.
"Would you just shut up already? You are acting-"
"-Loser."
"Paulo. Seriously. Can you just-"
"-Idiot."
"Paulo-"
"-Loser."
Mike reached out and slapped him on the back of the head.
"Hey!"
"Jeez! Finally you will actually look at me."
"How the hell are you gonna slap my head?"
"I wouldn't have had to slap your head if you would-"
Paulo slapped Mike on the side of the head.
"What the hell?!"
"That's what you get." Paulo said with a slight smile.
"Maybe you should stop being a big baby!" Mike slapped Paulo.
"Hey!" Paulo slapped him back, this time harder. "Cut that shit-"
"God damn it!" Mike's fist collided with Paulo's eye, sending him to the ground clutching his face.
"Ung..." It was a faint, pitiful moan. The kind of noise that would make even the hardest hearts crack, especially coming from someone like Paulo.
"Oh, crap!" Mike got down on his knees by Paulo, who was on the ground, half in the fetal position, covering his entire face with his hands. "Paulo, shit, are you okay? I am so sorry!"
Paulo responded with a miserable groan, keeping his face covered.
"Shit, shit, shit." Mike could feel himself starting to panic. "Paulo, hey, it's alright. It's okay. I am sorry! Please, let me just see it... Let me make sure you're okay."
Paulo paused for a moment, but it didn't seem that staying there was going to help the situation, so he slowly uncovered his face. There were tears in his uncovered eye, but he kept the other one covered.
"Jesus, Paulo, I am so sorry, I am so so sorry! Crap, are you okay?"
Paulo sniffed. "... Yeah, I'm alright."
"Oh God..." Mike swallowed. "Is your eye okay? Does it hurt?"
"Yeah, it stings a lot." Paulo's face was glowing red, but it wasn't from the punch.
"Would it be okay if I... saw it?" Mike put his hand on Paulo's wrist and gave it a gentle tug. Paulo resisted but Mike kept his hand there. "I just wanna make sure you're okay."
"U-um... y-yeah. I guess its okay." Paulo slowly pulled his hand away, and his other eye reacted by squinting from the pain. "Ahhh..."
"Oh, God, Paulo, I am so sorry... Here, come on, let me help you up."
"No, I wanna stay down here." Paulo couldn't stand to make eye contact with Mike any longer. He felt beyond ashamed.
"Are... Are you sure? I just want to bring you into the bathroom and maybe help you get it cleaned up. I am so sorry, I really am... I just wanna help you out."
Paulo remained silent.
"Here, come on, let me help you up." Mike gripped Paulo's hand, and Paulo didn't resist. It was so warm and soft and he was in so much pain. He let Mike help him up and lead him to the bathroom.
Mike sat him down on the toilet lid and leaned in close to Paulo's face to examine his eye.
"Hmm, it is already opening a bit... Thank God. Jeez, I am so sorry, Paulo."
Paulo could taste the mintiness of Mike's breath, and feel its warmth against his nose. His eyes were so big that it seemed no matter where he looked, he couldn't escape them. He could constantly see them in the corner of his vision, and he was constantly drawn back. Like small, life-giving planets consuming the night sky.
"Is it still hurting?" Mike was innocently examining the eye, growing closer and closer to Paulo's face.
"A-a little bit."
"Aww..." Mike frowned. "Jeez. I really need to learn to control myself."
"No, uh, it's alright... I-I kinda asked for it. I was being dumb."
"That's no excuse..."Mike shifted his gaze from Paulo's damaged eye and met both his eyes. He gave him a soft smile. "But thank you for forgiving me."
Paulo felt his expression soften as his lips parted. His cheeks were glowing red. The taste of Mike's warm breath on his lips sent chills down his spine. It made him feel in a way he had never felt before. The longer Mike stood there, the more intense the feeling got. He couldn't stop it...
Mike pulled away. "You want me to put some ice in-" Mike caught something in the corner of his eye, and he looked down at it reflexively.
Paulo looked the same place Mike did.
Mike stood silent for a moment, his own cheeks glowing red. "Oh, I, uh... Paulo, you, uh, have a..."
Paulo looked up at him, both of their eyes wide.
"Um," Mike laughed awkwardly. "I guess that was a pretty... uh, intense moment that just occurred. With, uh, hitting you and all. Don't worry, it isn't a big deal! It is... It is perfectly natural, it happens!"
Paulo couldn't say anything. He just looked straight head, coincidentally where Mike's chest happened to be.
"Lemme just grab that ice..." Mike quickly left the room, hoping to give Paulo a bit of time to collect himself.
When he returned, ice wrapped in a washcloth in hand, he saw Paulo was no longer in the bathroom. He was sitting on the bed, a pillow covering his lap. He seemed to be staring straight down, his cheeks still red, with the most vulnerable expression Mike had ever seen on him.
Mike sat down next to him and got close again. He brought the ice to Paulo's eye, while trying to tell himself it was a natural reaction to things, but that still didn't change the fact it happened. The pinkness of Mike's cheeks was apparent to Paulo; it contrasted nicely with the greenness of his eyes.
He placed the cloth lightly against Paulo's damaged eye. When their eyes would meet, they would both look away. Mike usually looked directly at the pillow, and then just tried to look anywhere else. Paulo had a bad habit of looking the same direction.
Paulo could feel Mike's breath beginning to pick up speed. Their eyes were meeting less frequently. He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what. All he knew was that the situation had gotten out of hand, and that he was sick of lying to himself. But he was also terrified of the truth he had been rejecting religiously for years. He was afraid of the ridicule and all the judgments - especially the ones mounted against himself, by himself.
"Okay, well, that's about enough of that."
Mike placed the washcloth on the ground and turned to face straight ahead. Paulo looked at him, surprised and hurt. He couldn't blame Mike by any means, but he also desperately didn't want the situation to play out the way he felt it was going to.
Mike leaned forward and crossed his arms over his lap. He seemed to be blushing harder than before.
Paulo examined him closely. He looked at Mike with a hint of suspiciousness. His posture was strange and he seemed extremely distant. More so than Paulo would have expected.
They sat there for a bit, both of them stealing glances at each other. Paulo knew something was up. Mike's arms were basically covering his crotch, and he was trying to turn to face away from him, but he couldn't quite get far enough. It had become fairly obvious what was going on, and with the revelation, or at least with the revelation there was a chance, Paulo felt a strange sense of confidence rise up inside of him.
After everything had been put on the table, after his feelings, insecurities, tears, and lusts had been made obvious, he was struck with a sense of power that only those with nothing to left to lose feel. In a desperate struggle between everything he thought he wanted, everything he wanted to want, and everything he truly did want, he mustered up the strength to raise up his hand and place it on Mike's shoulder.
He felt Mike's body tighten. He could see his eyes widen. Paulo let his fingers graze Mike's fur as he slid in, and let his hand rest on his furthest shoulder. Mike's face seemed to go from intense surprise to fear and worry. There was a moment he looked as if he was about to cry, and in fact there was a hint of a tear in the corner of his eye.
Paulo leaned in slowly, giving time for Mike to reject him if things were not to his liking. But much to his surprise, Paulo found himself getting steadily closer with each passing moment. His lips grew closer to Mike's cheeks, and it seemed that they were not going to stop anytime soon.
Finally, Paulo spread his lips just a bit and extended his neck. He inhaled the scent of Mike and felt a chill travel through his body. His lips connected with Mike's cheek and he stayed there for a moment. Mike had not yet resisted.
Paulo removed his lips and backed away a few inches. He let his hand slide up Mike's back and lightly grapple the back of his head. He steered his head toward him; his body followed. They were facing each other, neither of them capable of looking away from the piercing eyes of the other.
Paulo paused, knowing the next step, terrified to take it, even though it was so similar to the last. He leaned in. He couldn't believe he was doing it. For a moment, he questioned if it was right, it was what he really wanted; but the instant his disbelief of the situation went from him doing, to him finally doing it, he knew.
Paulo's lips connected with Mike's. They were staring at each other, both of them appalled at how they ended up there. Paulo's tongue lightly pressed against Mike's lips, and for a moment, there was no response. But then they spread and he felt Mike's tongue probe him back. Paulo watched as Mike's eyes started to close, but not for a moment did they dim in their intensity.