Title: Rachel Berry is a Bit Impetuous
Author: slacker_d
Crossover: NewsRadio/glee
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Quinn, Will, Sue, Figgins, New Directions
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sue thinks the glee kids are up to something.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~3,000
Spoilers: 4x04 for NewsRadio, none for glee
There are days when Principal Figgins wishes he's never heard of Sue Sylvester. Actually, this is true most days.
Today might be the day he's wishing the hardest.
Once again Figgins finds himself in his office with a quarreling William and Sue. He's beginning to wonder if he can go even a week without having the pair arguing in front of him.
"It has come to my attention," Sue begins. "That some of Schuester's gleeks have some serious issues."
"They're teenagers, Sue," Figgins answers. "Everyone in this school has issues."
"I'm well aware that each teenager here is suffering some horrendous melodrama. That's not what I'm talking about."
"What is this about, then?"
"I've heard through the grapevine that someone is planning a massive prank on one Sue Sylvester. And so naturally, I thought of William, here."
"Sue, you're being ridiculous," Will says.
"You have no proof of anything, Sue," Figgins adds.
"I think you should give them all a polygraph."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. Those kids are up to something and I need to get to the bottom of it." Sue then hands a piece of paper to Figgins.
"There's no way in hell that I'm letting you give any of my kids a lie detector test, Sue," Will tells her.
"It's a polygraph, William," Sue corrects. "Are you an idiot?" Sue holds up her hand. "Don't worry. I already know the answer." She turns to Figgins. "Need I remind you of the horrendous discipline William here deals out? He spends too much time buying product for his hair that he doesn't instill the fear of god into those kids; like I do with my Cheerios."
"Your Cheerios make plenty of trouble, Sue," Will replies.
"Oh, really? Name one instance."
"I can't. Because you cover everything up," Will accuses.
"Always making allegations you can't back up William. It's sad."
"I hate to say this William," Figgins interrupts, looking up from what Sue handed him to read. "But Sue has the right to demand a polygraph."
"What? How?"
"It's in her contract."
"That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard," Will replies.
"Even more than you attempting a career as an acapella singer?" Sue mocks.
"You can't be serious," Will says to Figgins.
"Unfortunately, I have no choice, William. I'm sorry."
"I bet." Will stands and stalks out of Figgins' office.
"Be seeing you soon, William," Sue calls after him.
…
That afternoon, Will enters glee much quieter than normal. In fact, he's so quiet that no one is even aware of his entrance. It's nearly five minutes before Rachel notices him and attempts to hush everyone.
When everyone's actually paying attention, he still doesn't say anything. Will doesn't know how he's going to break such ridiculous news to them.
Finally Rachel can't stand the silence. "Is there something wrong, Mr. Schuester?"
Will looks up as if he's just noticed the twelve teenagers.
"I, uh, have some…odd news," he says finally. "It seems that once again we have to jump through Sue Sylvester's hoops."
"What does that mean?" Kurt asks.
"It seems that because Sue suspects someone of a prank that you all have to take a lie detector test."
There's a moment of stunned silence. It's quickly followed with shouts of protest.
"What the hell for?" Santana and Puck ask.
"She cannot do that," Rachel protests.
"You can't be serious," Quinn says.
"Unbelievable," Kurt groans.
"It's happening," Will says. "All we can do is stay calm and get through it."
"Well, what is she going to ask about?" Kurt asks.
"Um, she gave me a list of questions," Will says. He pulls out the packet that Sue thrust at him at the end of the day. "It looks like pretty standard stuff at first. Your name, age, birthday, family related questions, that sort of thing. Oh, here's something. 'Have you ever been arrested?'"
"She can't ask that, can she?" Rachel questions.
"Apparently she can," Will says. "Anything on this questionnaire is fair game."
"Well, what other questions are on it?" Puck asks.
"Before I tell you," Will replies. "I've gotta ask. Has anyone been arrested?"
Everyone looks at Puck. He sneers and crosses his arms.
"Guess again, suckers. Puckzilla doesn't get caught."
No one notices that Rachel had her hand half raised.
"I hope you're being honest, Puck," Will says.
"Of course I am, Mr. Schue. Getting arrested would just make me even more badass."
Will sighs. "Fine. The rest of these shouldn't be a problem. Uh, have you ever been convicted of three or more misdemeanors?"
Rachel half raises her hand
"Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
Rachel raises her hand a bit higher.
"Have you ever been convicted of a federal offense?"
Rachel's hand stays up.
"Have you ever—"
"Uh, Mr. Schue?"
Will looks up. "Yeah, Finn?"
Finn points at Rachel's still raised hand.
"Uh, yes, Rachel?"
"Um, between the ages of twelve and fourteen, I was arrested seven times and spent a total of two months in jail."
"No way!" Puck says.
"I was a bit immature back then. I made some mistakes."
"Seven times?" Finn asks.
"And two months in jail?" Quinn adds.
"It wasn't really jail," Rachel protests. "It was juvie."
"Is it wrong that I'm a little turned on right now?" Puck asks.
…
"…and when I was thirteen, I stole a car," Rachel finishes.
"Youstole a car?" Mercedes asks.
"But you stilldon't have your driver's license," Puck protests.
"So? It's not that difficult to figure out, Noah."
"How the hell did you reach the pedals?" Kurt questions.
"Ignoring that offense about my height, I'll simply say I'd already had my growth spurt."
"Growth spurt? Ha!" Santana scoffs.
"So I was actually the height I am today," Rachel continues, disregarding Santana.
"Dare I ask why you stole the car?" Kurt continues.
"I was waiting for my daddy to pick me up, but his car broke down. I hadto be at my ballet lesson, Ms. Silva hates latecomers, so I found an alternative method."
"How'd you learn how to hot wire?" Tina asks.
"Actually, you can pull the ignition wires and cross them without causing any cosmetic damage at all," Rachel tells them.
"How'd you get in?" Artie asks.
"I put a rock through the window."
"Oh."
"I'm almost afraid to ask," Will says. "But what was your federal offense?"
"Breaking and entering."
"That's not a federal offense," Will tells her.
"It is, if you break into a post office."
"Oh my god."
"I had to," Rachel defends. "I'd been waiting over two weeks for my limited edition signed Barbra lithograph. It was a long holiday weekend and I couldn't wait anymore."
Everyone just stares at her.
"What? I was young. And sometimes I'm a bit impetuous."
"A bit?" Quinn exclaims. "You broke into a post office!"
"It's not my fault that the Lima Post Office isn't very secure. I shouldn't have been able to; I wasonly thirteen years old."
No one has a response to that.
Will sighs. "Is there anything else we should know?"
"My first arrest may have resulted in a restraining order," Rachel admits quietly.
"What?"
Because of the rather loud response, Rachel loses track of everyone's reaction. She surmises they're shocked.
"I admit that I might have been a tad overzealous in my pursuit of approval. That pageant judge simply overreacted. As if little old twelve year old me was scary."
"Sixteenyear old you is pretty scary," Kurt points out.
"I'm going to take that as a compliment towards my tenacity," Rachel replies, primly. "All I did was approach him on several occasions in a darken parking structure and remind him of my immense talent. It was hardly my concern that he was so jumpy. Perhaps he should have switched to decaf."
No one knows what to say; they can only stare.
"Right, well," Will begins. "I'm not sure how to handle this."
"It's perfectly fine, Mr. Schue," Rachel replies. "My records are sealed and once I reach eighteen, my juvenile record will be purged. As far as Ms. Sylvester goes, it is none of her concern."
"Except that she's making it her concern, Rach," Quinn points out.
"I realize that," Rachel tells her. "However, I have ways of dealing with such things. Don't worry about me."
No one replies because just as Kurt said, 0sixteen-year-old Rachel Berry is especially scary.
…
"Were you ever going to tell me about your criminal record?" Quinn asks later.
They're both stretched out on Rachel's bed attempting homework. Rachel is more successful than Quinn, because all the blonde can think about is the diva sitting in a cell, dressed in an orange jumpsuit. It's not a comforting image, though it might still be a better visual than the blue pantsuit.
"I hadn't planned on it," Rachel replies.
"You didn't think it was important?"
"On the contrary, it's extremely pertinent. However, I didn't think you would react favorably, so I concealed it. Besides, it was such a long time ago and I've matured quite a bit."
"Rachel, you're sixteen."
"I am aware of my age, Quinn."
"It wasn't that long ago that you were fourteen and apparently in juvie."
"Actually, I spent my time in juvie at the age of thirteen."
"That's still not that long ago," Quinn exclaims.
"You're just upset that I might be considered cooler than you."
"Ha! Like that'll ever be possible," Quinn replies. "It's more that I'm worried I'm dating a criminal."
"Former criminal," Rachel points out. "And I did my time. So it's almost as if I'm reformed."
"But you're not remorseful," Quinn tells her.
"Why should I be?" Rachel asks. "While what I did is technically illegal, everything was done with good intentions behind it."
"Good intentions? There's a restraining order out against you," Quinn points out.
"As I previously stated, the judge was simply over reacting," Rachel replies. "However, I'm sorry that I didn't mention anything earlier."
"It's fine, I suppose," Quinn tells her. "You're probably right, anyhow. Because I am so not okay with this criminal side of you."
"So it's okay that Noah's a rebel, plays stupid pranks, sells marijuana brownies, but when I do it, it isn't acceptable?" Rachel asks. "That seems like double standard."
"It's more of the reasons behind everything."
Rachel just examines Quinn a moment before speaking. "So you're saying that you'd be more comfortable if I'd stolen a car to go for a random joyride than because I needed to get somewhere specific?"
"Uh, yes," Quinn replies. "That's exactly what I'm saying."
"Interesting."
Quinn waits for Rachel to expand on her thoughts. After about three minutes, her patience runs out.
"What's interesting?"
"Nothing really," Rachel says. "Just your response to types of rebellion; especially given your religious upbringing."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Rachel examines her girlfriend for a moment. "Quinn, do you really want to get into a philosophical discussion pertaining to your views of rebellion in relation to your childhood? Specifically how your response to certain individuals' actions may have had an adverse affect on youractions, both from religious point of view and a social one? While also taking into consideration our overall views as both society as a whole and Lima specifically in relation to such things and how nature verses nurture figures in? Because if you, do I'm fine discussing it, but then I'd like to give you my full attention and not half divided between you and my Biology."
Quinn blinks several times before responding, "No, I suppose not."
"All right, then." Rachel then returns to her textbook.
Quinn stares at her for a moment before returning to her homework.
…
The next day, the glee kids are summoned to Sue's office throughout the day to take a polygraph.
Brittany is first; Sue calls her in right after morning Cheerio's practice. It goes exactly how Sue expects. She now has hard evidence that the blonde is a bit ditzy, a bit nutty and somewhat naïve while still managing to make random insightful comments. However, she's definitely not the threat Sue's concerned about.
Shaft is next because Sue sees him ambling by her office in between periods. He's reserved and answers her questions succinctly. No surprises there, he's not the schemer.
One by one, she grabs Schuester's kids as they pass by her office. While most of them are reluctant to share anything, all of them appear innocent. She finds it mildly frustrating. She knows they're up to something; she's just not sure what.
…
By lunch, she's interviewed seven of the rejects. Her latest victim has been summoned and so she adds a few more questions to her list as she waits.
"Ah, the midget is next," Sue says as Rachel steps into the office.
"Afternoon, Coach Sylvester."
"Have a seat."
Rachel sits and they begin the process of attaching the electrodes and necessary equipment. Rachel looks around; they're alone.
"You know how to read a polygraph, Coach Sylvester? That's quite impressive."
"You'd be surprised what skills one can acquire as a national award winning cheerleading coach."
"Certainly. And I believe in well roundedness."
"I know you do," Sue says. "But cut the brown nosing. It doesn't become you."
They quickly go through the standard questions: name, age, family. When they get to the questions that Rachel's nervous about, she begins her deep breathing exercises.
"Problem?" Sue asks.
"Not at all," Rachel replies. "I sometimes find in adversarial situations that breath control is essential."
"Uh huh," Sue says. "Next question. Have you ever been arrested?"
"Of course not. That's absurd."
BEEP.
"The machine seems to disagree Raquel."
"Well, clearly the machine is malfunctioning."
BEEP
"Seems you're a bigger liar than I initially thought."
"Or perhaps you rigged the machine, Coach Sylvester."
"Be very careful of the accusations you make my dear."
"If I'm making accusations, they're only based on past evidence," Rachel replies.
"Name one."
Rachel thinks for a moment before huffing, "I can't. Everyone knows you cover up the evidence."
"Seems that both you and Curly like to spin the same tales, Raquel," Sue replies.
"We're simply stating facts, Coach Sylvester."
"Be very careful with the accusations you make."
"I could say the same to you," Rachel replies.
"You're walking a very dangerous line, Raquel," Sue tells her.
"Just following the leader, Coach."
…
When Will hears that Rachel is the next one destined to take the lie detector, he decides he needs to be nearby, just in case. He agrees with Kurt that determined Rachel is a scary sight, so he's concerned about the tactics she'll use to get out of confessing to her criminal record.
After about five minutes after he arrives, Will hears raised voices coming from Sue's office. He's debating whether or not to enter and put a stop to it when he hears a crash coming from inside the office.
Will bursts into the office to find Sue and Rachel facing off and the lie detector on the floor. It doesn't look broken, but Will's more concerned about the confrontation. Neither is speaking; they're simply glaring at each other. Will feels like he's choking on the tension in the room.
He clears his throat.
"William," Sue says, eyes still locked on Rachel's.
"I, uh, heard a crash," Will explains. "I was, uh, concerned. Rachel, are you all right?"
"I'm fine, Mr. Schuester," Rachel tells him. "Coach Sylvester and I are simply settling an argument."
"I can see that. However, I think I'll just take Rachel with me. And Sue? No more testing the glee kids today."
"Don't be ridiculous, William," Sue replies. "I've still got four left."
"I don't care," Will tells her. "You're done."
"Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about all this, shall we?"
"Let's," Wll agrees. "Rachel. Go to class."
"Thank you, Mr. Schue," Rachel says, before flouncing out of Sue's office.
"After you," Sue says, gesturing Will out of her office.
"Oh no," Will replies. "After you."
…
"I don't care what's in her contract," Will says. "She's done testing those kids."
"I would say that Raquel's response just proves that they're up to something," Sue points out.
"Or you pushed her until you got a negative response," Will counters.
"That's enough," Figgins interrupts. "I'm sorry, Sue, but I'm with William here. If this is going to become disruptive, then I'm going to have to put a stop to it. Which is within my rights," he continues, cutting off Sue's protests. "No one else will be given a polygraph.
"Fine," Sue allows. "But when this elaborate prank is pulled, I will say, 'I told you so.' and then you willowe me."
Sue leaves, letting the door slam behind her.
"It's a chance I'm willing to take, Sue," he calls after her.
"Thank you," Will says.
"Your kids better not be planning anything, William," Figgins tells him. "If this thing explodes in my face, I'm holding you responsible."
"My kids aren't up to anything," Will assures him. "I swear."
"We'll see."
…
"So tell me again how you got out of confessing your criminal past to Coach Sylvester," Quinn says to Rachel as they drive to the Berry house.
Rachel smirks. "Simply by being Rachel Berry."
"What is thatsupposed to mean?"
"It means, I simply acted as expected and so Coach Sylvester reacted as expected. The two of us are a bit like baking soda and vinegar, messy when mixed together."
"So you annoyed her until she got fed up with you," Quinn clarifies.
"Yes, I suppose that's one way of putting it," Rachel huffs. "Though I find the implications a bit insulting."
"You said basically the same thing."
"Yes, but my version sounded nicer."
"You're just mad that you're annoying," Quinn teases.
"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."
"You love it."
"Hardly," Rachel scoffs. "You're lucky I love you; because I don't have to put up with this abuse."
"Or what? You'd walk home?"
"Maybe. My daily elliptical routine has me in excellent shape."
"Oh I know," Quinn grins saucily.
The blonde's blatant ogling flips the conversation tone immediately and Rachel suddenly has no desire to exit the vehicle.
"Or we could settle this disagreement in another fashion," Rachel suggests.
Knowing neither of Rachel's dads is home from work yet, Quinn quickly speeds to the Berry house for an afternoon of disagreement settling.