This is my second try to write in English. It's not my first language, so please be kind.
Authors Warning! If you want to read this, you have to deal with the death of a child. If you have any issues, please don't read.
Authors note: These is not about personal experience (Thank God). It came to my mind because my daughter has to work in a hospital emergency room for a couple of weeks.
I'm not a medical!
At least, we all know, I don't owe them :(
The most unacceptable, most unexpected thing in my world
Steves POV:
Five years ago, the most unacceptable, most unexpected thing in my world happened:
Grace, sweet little Gracie left ….
h50h50h50
It started with small aches in her right leg. No one paid much attention, because, " it's a side effect of growing up", Rachel said. So Gracie never complained again.
Danny, who, after his long-term-living-arrangement-issues, finally moved in with me, didn't knew...
Didn't knew until one day in late summer - a "Grace-weekend"- when he hung out on the lani and me and her having fun in the ocean. At the time we had to go inside to prepare dinner, she filled her bucket with water, sneaked onto the lani, where her father slumbered peacefully, totally unaware of the sweet intruder in his chair, and threw half of the ocean onto a perplexed Danno.
Then with a shriek, she went on the run down to the water. It took a moment, for the dripping daddy to get his bearings together and to shoot me (laughing my ass of) a halfhearted hateful glance , before a wild, playful chase along the shoreline started ...and ended abruptly with a cry of agony and a whimpering Gracie in her terrified fathers arms.
h5h50h50
At the hospital the x-rays showed a tibia fracture right under her knee. Not a big thing, we thought, but then we were walked into the office of Gracie's attending physician.
After taking a seat behind his desk, he studied the file in front of him and then looked up with a worried expression in his face and asked about were Grace's mom was.
A glance at my partner convinced me, he knew, too: This was not good! This couldn't be good.
The next half hour was a blur and left us both devastated and in shock. The x-rays showed a far advanced Tumor. The medic didn't knew then, if it was malignant. They had to perform a biopsy to be sure. Also there would be a scan, to show, if the Tumor has already metastasized. And at least, they were sorry.
After the doctor apologized himself with the info that a nurse will set the dates, left the room, to give us some privacy, Danny sad in his chair unmoving, eyes closed for some moments. Then his breath stated to hitch, and I truly thought, he would lose it there. But then, he coughed slightly, rubbed his eyeballs with both palms and looked at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen since then in my hole life. "Let's go, see Grace", was all he said hurried out of the office and left me stunned. Unable to think, unable to find the right words.
h5h50h50
One week after this, the shit hit the pan full force.
Danny and Rachel had an appointment with Grace's doc. And the anxious team waited at the house for their member to come home.
Finally the front door opened and Danny stood in the living room his sleeping little Monkey in his arms, he looked straight into my eyes and stated:
"It's a Sarkom! It's to far advanced to operate. It already has metastasized in Graces liver and lymphoma system.
We have six moth tops.
We decided there will be no treatment except of pain relieve."
With the last words his voice broke. "Rachel had a mental break down. Stan 's with her now. She said, the isn't able to be with Grace full time because of Stan Junior, so I will take care of her, as long ….."
I saw tears welling in his eyes, but they didn't fall.
With a "please excuse us" he left to take Gracie upstairs to her bedroom.
I turned to face my team with Kono already crying and Chin speechless shaking his head in his hands in disbelieve.
And I thought to myself, too: "How could this happen? How?"
h50h5h50
Later that day, I was sitting on the sofa, watching a game, or at least I tried to,when Danny showed up in the door frame.
I looked up "You OK?" I asked him and the same time apologized for this stupid question.
"S' she sleeping?"
Danny nodded slightly and took a deep breath, it was visible: He was all tensed up and barley holding it together.
Eyes half closed he tilted his head and said: "I can't let go now, you understand?"
I nodded.
"I have to stay sane, OK?
If I give in now, I won't be able to do this any second longer."
He started involving his hands in a pleading gesture: "I know, you all want to comfort us and I appreciate it. But I wouldn't stand any pity, or if you get starting to act weird around us, now.
I want to hold up Gracie's living routines as long as it is possible."
After a small pause he added: "If the team is able to do this, I will be thankful for any support you are willing to give. And so will Grace."
"OK!" Was all I said and made a metal note to have a talk with the rest of the team, including Kamekona, the next morning.
Danny sad down on the couch next to me and informed me, he had a phone call with the governor to ask for indefinite leave of absence, from the day on, Gracie wouldn't be able to follow her routines. Not surprisingly, Denning agreed.
h50h5h50
Some day, Gracie announced, that it was time for them to start with the "to-love-to-do-list" of things that she and Danno wrote down a couple of month ago. She was already on light pain medication then and the sickness was visibly nagging on her slim tender body.
So she broke up with school packed a suitcase for Danny and herself and both went on a flight to the mainland. First stop was Disney Land. Then they flew to New Jersey to visit her Grandparents (all knew it, but no one said it out loud) for one last time.
I could only imagine then, how much it must have cost Danny, to be strong for his daughter and his parents, too. Giving the visit as much normality as even possible. Not to break down, when it finally was time to say good bye and get back to Hawaii, leaving his family behind.
When Danny called, to inform me, he 'd book the flights, because he was afraid, the longer they stayed with his family, the more stressful the trip back would be for Gracie. I thought I knew, what I had to expect as I met them at Honolulu Airport. But I still was shocked by their appearance.
Danny carried his tinny girl on his arms, her head resting on one of his shoulders.
She only gave me a small smile "Hey, uncle Steve", was all she said.
My heart broke and I pulled both of them into a hug.
After a few seconds I let go to have a look at my partner. He'd clearly lost weight and dark circles under his eyes showed how exhausted he was. He had a "I-know,-Steven,-so please,-back-of"- vision on his face. So I did.
I grabbed the suite cases and took them home.
h50h50h50
Things went down quickly after that.
Grace got weaker and weaker and at some point, I was sure, Danny would not be able to go on any longer.
I was surprised, when he asked me, to take care of his Monkey for a few hours, because he had to leave the house for some errands to do.
The time, he arrived home, he seemed to feel better.
This repeated from time to time, then.
Years later I found out, he visited Konos friend, the priest for spiritual support.
Till the last day of Gracie's life I never, ever saw Danny crying.
It seemed, he held it up for all of us.
Supported us, Grace, Rachel ,the whole ohana. Answered quietly every question that came up with the situation.
Soothed his daughter, when things got scary an ruff for her.
And then, one evening when I got home from work, I couldn't find them in the house. I got a bad feeling as I entered the lani and found Danny sitting near the water edge gently rocking far to quiet little Gracie in his arms and humming her favorite lullaby.
When I stepped closer, I got it. … I tried to maintain my composure and slowly knelt down beside them. "Hey!" I said softly.
Bright blue eyes, full of sadness and unshed tears looked up to me: "Hey!" he answered.
And then with a cry of agony he told me, what I already knew:
"She's gone Steven! God, she's gone!
Danny had held his baby in his arm till the moment she took her last breath and a while longer.
h5h50h50
The day of Gracie's funeral our little ohana prepared for the worst.
Danny, who still refused to let go, made all arrangements by himself.
"It's all set out. Monkey and me had it all talked over." He refused any help.
He was supportive to everyone who needed him to be. Rachel, Stan, the Jersey Clan, Grace's friends from school, ...us.
When the last guest left the house, I found him sitting on the lani with a cup of coffee in his hand: "You OK?" I couldn't believe, I asked that stupid question again.
He looked up at me and said."Yeah, as OK, as I can be.
It' s indesrcibable sadness I feel right now, Steven.
But Gracie and I had a long time to say good bye. I find peace in the certainty, she has not to suffer any pain anymore."
h5oh5h50
This tragedy changed Danny. That was the par of course.
OK, Danny went back to work. He still was the greatest detective I've ever met. Dedicated to his job. Ever the voice of reason in the team. Ever careful to minimize the danger that came up with our business. (Grace told me,she would throw me out of heaven, if I got killed, caused by my own stupidity", he said some day, when I was at risk once, more going "all Ninja").
And he was polite as ever. No change in this direction.
But ...I noticed it already before: My partner ceased talking with his hands. No wild gesture anymore. No hotheaded arguments in the car. No curse because of the paperwork I still refused to do. "No one waits for me at home anymore", he stated as a matter of fact. He rarely joined our "after-work-beer" at HQ, was the last one who shut down his computer, near every working day.
He at all refused to get drunk. Sometimes I thought, he tried to protect himself from doing something stupid, if he ever let go.
Also, he was no longer a sleepyhead. In the times of Gracie's illness, he got used of rare sleeping hours. Sometimes he started the day earlier than me, to go for a run, with the cemetery on his way, where he stopped by to visit his daughters grave . As long as his knee left him in peace.
One morning, by the time, we had our first coffee, he put his cup down on the kitchen counter and asked, if he should go find his own apartment finally. Because, he was aware of the fact, how much he had changed over the last year. "I'm not the buddy you can have much fun with, anymore", he reasoned.
I was so angry with him. I couldn't get it. He still was my best friend and I couldn't imagine not having him in my house, having him around me mostly all days. I yelled at him to stop talking shit.
At some point, he got it and apologized.
My "subdued" partner, Danny got an excellent reputation on his job. He was highly respected by Denning and the whole law enforcement. He came up to be the conduit between H50 and the HPD. His former colleagues, who called him "damn haole" first times he arrived on this Island, now came and asked him for advise, when things went rough, on the job, in their families, or in need for professional consult.
Detective Daniel Williams became their "go to for". To be honest, he became the "go to for" for all of us.
h50h50h50
A year ago, Denning offered him, to follow the retiring chief of police in his footsteps. We all were so proud of him.
He asked the governor for time to think it over.
At least, he rejected.
Later Kamekona told me. Danno refused, because he was afraid, I would go and get all his ohana killed within half a year.
At first I thought it was a joke, but as time gone by, I realized in some ways the big man was right.
Every time, someone of us got hurt, it shook Danny up badly. Not visible for all people that's for sure. But for them who loved him, who cared about him, it was clearly to see.
My friend never, ever lost his composure since Gracie got his deathly diagnosis.
Never...
h50h5h50
Today there was a private letter in the mailbox of the H50 HQ addressed to him. I put it on his desk. Danny had to testify in court this morning, so he came in later.
Chin and Kono followed a lead on the big island.
I sat in my office and waved a hand, as he entered his. He noticed the letter and opened it with a curios look on his face.
Than it finally happened:
With every word he read he seemed to lose a bit of color.
I started to worry already.
At the time the trembling started and the letter slit to the floor and Danno, grabbing the picture frame from his desk on his way down, next to it, I was on my feet, busted through the glass doors and knelt right next to him.
He was a mess, shaking so badly, not able to catch his breath, tears streaming down his face.
"What's wrong, partner", I asked. "You OK?" (NOT this again)
The Photography of him and Gracie on his shoulders clutched against his heart, awful sobs rocking up his whole body, he was not able to find his voice to answer me.
And there was so, so much sadness in the picture in front of me.
When I took him in my arms, he didn't resisted.
After a while, I was worried enough to consider to call EMT's. I had no idea, what triggered THIS.
I needed clarity, so I took the letter from the floor and started to read:
"Hats up for a Job well done.
It is with great pleasure, that I announce that my son Billy Hanamoa is graduating from "SACRED HEATS ACADEMY"!
Please join us as the graduation ceremony on ….
Amy Hanamoa
And then it dawned me: This had to be her celebration party.
Five years ago, the most unexpected, most unacceptable thing happened to our world.
And now it took one innocent sentence to take my brave Danno down. Finally, finally forced to show his hurting, grieving soul, ready to take all consolation our ohana is able to offer...
END
Hope you liked it. Please review. I want to learn.