Yes, hello. It's me again!

Wanna hear the good news?

I've escaped from the fluff bunnies!

The bad news?

It was the angst bears who rescued me.

Then the humor kitties just had to steal me.

And so- this story was born. And forced. And pounded. And squished. And smashed.

Out of poor, abused; yours truly.

-'De-nial' isn't just a river in Egypt, you know.-

Summary:

'Attention Dear Classmates! CandyBoys Fan Club ™ Competition For The Best Paring Has Started! What are you waiting for? Vote online for your favorite couple now!'

When the entire female population of your school suddenly launches off a voting pageant for the best homosexual couple online, you find out that you're paired with four of the most socially retarded individuals in campus you'd rather die than be associated to (not to mention one fucking irritating bastardly piece of arrogant craptastically standoffish ego obsessed roommate with a name starting in 'S', ending with 'fuckingAsuke') and you immediately posses this gut wrenching feeling that something is horribly, horrifyingly wrong.

Perfection clashes with rebellion, discipline goes head on with chaos, impassivity conflicts with aggression and silence collides with vibrancy. As the not-so-epic battle rages on with four of the most unwilling participants, hearts fly and hormones go out of control. Which couple will be officially declared as the best? What fate awaits the blonde little baka in his quest for the perfect girl- if he ever is going to get one?

And more importantly, is this really all just a game to begin with?

Log on to your accounts, keep your fingers crossed and let the vote counting begin.

Chapter One

-The Hard Drive of Competition-

Address: http.\\.com

Blog Account Title: ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI

Blog Entry No. : 130

Date: 05/02/09

Status: Published/Friends Only (*SasoriLovesHisSasu-kun* recently blocked out from friend list)

Topic: Fuck That Poll

Mood: Pissed enough to kill one particular shithead not-anymore-best friend stalker and his go-to-hell-and-burn stalkee (and no, I don't fucking care if there isn't such a word)

Current Parallel Character: Azure Flame Kite from .hack/

Please answer these questions before you read:

Is your name Uzumaki Naruto?

Are you not the supposed-to-be-best-friend-turned-enemy and I-so-want-to-murder-you-now Sasori?

Are you not Uchiha 'I'm-so-fucking-popular-they-don't-notice-the-ice- stuck-up-my-ass' and 'damn-I'm-better-than-you-cuz-I'm-fucking-perfect' Sa-bastard-suke?

If yes, please proceed.

=ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI=

I am going to kill Sasori.

I am going to kill the student council secretary- which is named Sasori.

I am going to kill Sasori if it's the last thing I do.

And just why, you ask; have I turned into one very infuriated killing-spree crazed would-be assassin?

Let me count the reasons (and no, I am not going to recite a poem):

Reason # 1:

There's this stupid poll revolving around the school. And fuck-me-sideways, no; it's not a normal poll. It's a homosexual poll. A poll made by one stupid club named CandyBoy. A poll that features disgusting man to man pairings. How repulsive can you get?!

And you know just why it became reason number one?

Because both my fucking not-anymore best friend and my egotistical roommate are in it as a pair.

Reason # 2:

Because said best friend is now mooching it off my face that they are, in fact, clamoring the highest votes; and shamelessly claiming that the awesome and astounding god-like me is jealous.

Okay, let's replay that one more time.

'Jealous.'

Pft.

If I'm not so pissed right now, I would have laughed my ass off.

Which I clearly am not, so instead, I want to strangle him till he's dead and rip his stupid head off with my bare hands.

Reason # 3:

Because it isn't true, obviously.

Reason # 3:

Again, because it isn't true. I just repeated that one for emphasis.

Reason # 5:

Because Uchiha Fucking Sasuke Exists.

Enough said.

For better understanding, here's a recollection of how the most tragic day in my life started:

=ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI=

"Oh please, Uzumaki, just admit it."

"Admit what? That you're a psycho who's asking for murder; right here, right now? If so, then yes, I admit that I'm close to committing an ungodly crime this very moment."

"Ahaha. Oh please, tickle me. That was sooo funny I just had to roll my head off."

"Then please don't put it back on. I like you better without it."

"Heh, you know what I'm talking about, Naruto."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"No you don't"

"Yes I d- fuck you Sasori."

I watched my previous best friend snicker victoriously. And again, I wished to find a long katana hidden underneath the cafeteria table, maybe long enough to cut the head of one sneaky little ex- buddy. Damn. I thought red-heads were supposed to be the hotheaded ones.

You see, there was once upon a time when we were getting along fine; me and Sasori. Everything was cool- playing RPG games all day long, checking out girls for fun and just being plain bums in high school. Everything was perfect. Swell, splendid and graciously marvelous. The way best friends are supposed to be. The way everything was supposed to be.

Then came the roommate shuffling.

And the fangirl club forming.

And the homosexual polling.

And the roommate changing.

And the bastard occupying.

And the previous roommate stalking the bastard occupying.

My life is officially thrown to hell.

MY BEST FRIEND IS GAY!

O.M.F.G.K.M.N O.M.F.G.K.M.N. O.M.F.G.K.M.N.

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Kill. Me. Now.

Geeeeh. Ayy. Waiii.

Ghei!

GAY!

Am I missing something here?!

When did he start having a taste for guys? When did stoop a level so low so as to stalk one bastardly person? (yes! Not court, not adore, not admire- it's stalk! S-T-A-L-K; you hear me, people?!) Though I must admit the bastard sure is good-looking, I mean, he's got this pale skin just like a girl, and really nice biceps that- which is not the point!

The dick doesn't disappear, damnit! That's so gross! G-R-O-S-S! GROSS! What happened to friends forever, huh? What happened to the let's get married to really hot babes, I'll have a boy and you'll have a girl then we'll get them both married?! WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT?!

"See? You're even spacing out. That's a clear sign of jealousy."

"The fuck?! What does spacing out have anything to do with jealousy?!"

"Yes; also that immediate reaction- touchy-ness, loud mouthed-ness, and blushy-ness."

"So loud this early. You guys are so troublesome. And there's no word such as blushy, Sasori."

"Oh man, please; do not add Shika. I thought you're supposed to be on the rooftop, the garden or under the tree or in the cemetery- or anywhere remotely quiet where you can go laze your ass off?"

"I'm supposed eat food, Naruto."

For a moment there, I considered looking shocked. Well, I hardly see him eat, you can't blame me.

And, is it just me and my sense of hearing or did Shika just accept the graveyard as an optional place to hang out?

Ah, at last; somebody in acquaintance with sense and a straight way of thinking! (You got that?! I said STRAIGHT! Unlike some unmentionable type of third gender that shouldn't exist. Straight- just like this: - oh, wait… that's broken. Uhm, does that mean he's broke? But does that have anything to do with his gender? And you did get my hint on Sasori's fagness, right? So, I don't need to explain the symbolism then? But maybe you'll get confused. And why the hell am I contemplating and typing about a stupid digital line that's not even real and is totally so far-out in this topic?!)

Uhm. Hey, what? It's my blog. I can type anything.

Anyway, back to the story.

This slight distraction provided me some time to think for myself.

"What were you talking about anyway?" asked Shikamaru.

Certainly there should be some rational way to do this, without involving the death of one red-headed ex-pal.

"He's jealous because I got in the CandyBoy Pairing Competition with my Sasuke- and now our pairing is getting the highest votes. And also because we look so lovey-dovey on the picture."

Okay. Scratch that thought.

"I'M GONNA KIiiiiLL YOU SASORIiiii!"

"See? See the evident jealousy oozing from hi- urk!"

I grinned, almost crazily as I continued to grab the red rat's collar. I could get off with few charges, being a minor and all. Maybe I could claim temporary insanity?

To hell with it. As I've told you before; I am going to kill Sasori.

I couldn't care less that Sasori's turning blue right now from the lack of air; I don't care if Shikamaru's looking at me like I'm some freak show that ran out of the zoo; I don't care that every single eye of anybody in the cafeteria is on me, including Sasori's creepy cousin named Gaara that could stare anyone down with his freaky aqua eyes as if telling me 'you're dead', and who was rumored to have buried some corpse he killed because of a spilt juice in the school garden last summer and was previously an ex-assassin at some elite Kills-For-Hire company-

Okay, maybe I do care about that last bit; which is why I immediately let go of Sasori the moment we made eye contact.

Damn Sasori and his creepy relatives that could kill.

"Y-you're one crazily jealous idiot, Naru!" he tried to tell me in between coughs.

Oh that is it you fucker!

"How many times do I have to say it, you creep?! THE great Uzumaki Naruto is not; I repeat- NOT a disgusting faggot who's jealous of some freaking arrogant pale bastard who thinks he's better than anyone in this earth and his stupid, stupid, overly assuming, traitor for a best friend stalkeeeeer!"

Oh jeez. Does everyone in the cafeteria really have to stare at me every time I feel like being stupid?

"Oh, hi President Hyuuga! Naruto had just finished talking about you, by the way. Don't know anything about the stalker though."

As if in slow motion, complete with swirling sluggish sound effects along with my awesome sexual Uzumaki charisma; I turned around to face one fuming pale eyed, long haired and rather pissed teen.

Oh. Hell. No.

"What the hell, Sasori?!" I turned to face Neji Hyuuga and apologize, "Hey, I wasn't talking about you; I swear!"

"Uzumaki. Detention. After class. No excuses." His long hair swished back as he turned around and started to stalk away.

DAMN YOU SASORI! AND I WAS TRYING TO APOLOGIZE HERE YOU PALE EYED BAKEMONO!

"What the fuck?! I said it wasn't you, damnit!"

Again, the infuriated student council president turned around to face me in one swift motion within the blink of an eye (I saw it! I saw him turn that friggin fast!).

NO, I did not just squeak in surprise and fright because I am completely manly and manly men- that's me- do not squeak in surprise and fright. It was the chair, I swear! The CHAIR!

Just why the hell does everyone have freaky, hell-sent eyes than can scream murder here in Konoha high?!

"I take that as another careless disregard for the rules. Uzumaki, clean the gym after detention for swearing."

"Wha-"

"Naruto, please; shut up." Shikamaru mumbled under his breath as he pulled me down back to my seat and I complied, while watching the retreating form of that stupid, uptight Mr. Prefect.

Hey, you bastard sub two; be thankful that I didn't pound you! Shikamaru stopped me, you see? Hah! Damn I'm so manly.

And fuck am I so stupid to fall for that trick.

Man, how could I ever forget?!

Aside from the bastard; who, by the way, takes the top place for prissy arrogant princess with telephone poles up their asses, there lived another pale and murder-worthy goody two shoes in this world that doesn't seem to run out of moody, socially challenged freaks.

Neji Hyuuga, bane of every troublemaker's existence.

He's perfect, he's polished, he's a know it all and… Just like a Sasuke. Only, Sa-bastard-suke is a thousand times worse.

Oh, yes; it's used as an adverb. Look the term up, you'd see the word 'Sasuke' synonymous to 'fucking-bastard' in the new 'UzumakiIsTheGreatest Dictionary: For Great People's Use Only.'

Again- Yes, people. I am that pissed at him to make my own book of hate.

Snickering again for the second time that day, Sasori slapped my back in mock assurance.

"Nice one Naruto."

Once more; for the second time that day too- before checking left and right to see if his psychopath cousin was still around- I tried to rip off his head and, when I didn't succeed; I just settled to strangling him instead.

Wouldn't hurt to try and make the world a better place with one less creep to worry about, right?

=ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI ThE aWeSoME UzUmAkI=

Oh, what a pleasant day, huh?

IF YOU DIDN'T GET MY SARCASM; FUCK OFF!

Okay, maybe I'll just post the second part of the day tomorrow. Man, I haven't studied for my trigo test- I'm gonna fail!

And It's all Sasori's fault!

(NOTE: Sasori = Made me murderous = Had the urge to kill = Had to post in blog to ease off murderous intent = Blog posting took too long = Forgot about the test = Now I'm sleepy and tired = Cannot study for test = Will fail the test tomorrow.)

I'm sure you can justify this blood-thirst I feel right now.

Don't worry Sasori. It's reserved for you ex-buddy; only for you.

ADDITIONAL REMINDER: Anyone who tells that to his freaky cousin is gonna get a thousand times worse, okay?

End of blog post.

Date: 05/02/09

Set: Unfinished.

Comments:

From [;)-The Beauty of Youth-;)]

Ah, my friend, Naruto! What beauty this phase in your teen age posses! It is okay to be true to your heart; and let the passion of youth take charge! Ah, the bond that ties you together; the beauty of friendship, I cannot contain my excitement.

All my best wishes to you and your best-friend Sasori.

[AwesomeUzumaki]'s Reply to [;)-The Beauty of Youth-;)]

What the hell, Lee?! Are you friggin blind?! Didn't you read the post?! Are you on drugs?!

…

OhmanOhmanOhman, I knew I shouldn't have given you that powder! I thought it was for the face, man! Don't move; I'm coming right over there to give you rehab before Sakura-chan kills me, okay?!

From [*TroublesomeName*]

First of all, there is still no word such as 'blushy'.

Second, I didn't deny it because I didn't think you were that much of an idiot to consider the graveyard as an option for a place to hang out in.

Third, stop it Naruto. It's starting to get really obvious.

Appreciate the time I took to type this troublesome response.

[AwesomeUzumaki]'s Reply to [*TroublesomeName*]

First of all Shika, Lame pen name you got there.

Second- How hell am I supposed to tell?! You could've slept in a coffin for all I know!

Third, what? What's starting to get obvious? The hell?

From [xXxCherrySpringxXx]

What?! How could you not appreciate the beauty of Boy's Love?

It is a forbidden art- yet,*sigh* I understand. Poor you.

There are only few people who are blessed to appreciate the beauty that is Yaoi. But don't be upset. Your naïveté certainly is most becoming for an uke.

Do not fret Naruto-kun. You'll find your man one day, I'm sure. ;)

P.S. Do you really have to spell everything for the reader?

[AwesomeUzumaki]'s Reply to [xXxCherrySpringxXx]

Okaaaay. Seriously, Sakura-chan; you're spending too much time with your boyfriend bushy-eyebrows.

What the hell is an uke?

And why is everyone replying something totally far out and unconcerned with my blog post?! I was expecting some rational pity here on the false accusations!

And what the fuck do you mean about finding my MAN someday?!

P.S. Yes, I do. It's something called 'making-the-obvious-more-obvious-by-further-emphas is'

N/A: so hey, hi. This was discontinued, but if you're curious enough there is a second chapter, though there's nothing beyond that.