Sighing, Fíli curled up on his bed, clutching his fingers to the cold blanket next to him. He had lost count on how many nights he already spent without any deep, relaxing sleep. The blond dwarf turned around but only to be remembered how big and empty his bed actually was. He sighed again and closed his eyes. Almost instantly he had the face of his little brother in his mind. He didn't know when it happened, but it must have been quite some time ago, probably just sneaking unintended in his mind and heart. The last weeks he hadn't had much contact with Kíli, mostly because both of them had work to do that caused them to be separated. It had always been the case that the blonde never stopped really thinking about his little brother but now it had reached another dimension. A state he didn't want to recognize nor accept in the beginning and he was still troubled about that matter. The heir of Durin wasn't sure about his own feelings anymore.
Again he turned around, staring into the darkness of the room and finally he gave in. A smile flashed over his face as he recalled Kílis face and body piece to piece to his thoughts.
The soft, dark brown hair, always messy and falling in his eyes. Those large, deep and brown eyes, always filled with a shining gaze, innocently looking into the world without only the smallest clue about the sadness and cruelty in it and the never fading smile on his soft lips. The soft curve from his neck to his shoulders, narrower than those of the other dwarves but still strong. And his slender fingers, looking so fragile but being stronger than one would assume, able to shoot the bow with a precision others only could dream of.
"Oh, in Durins name, what are you doing?" murmured the young dwarf, restless turning around again, burying his head in the pillows. He felt guilty and also heavily confused as he wasn't able to separate between brotherly affection and love anymore.
It was wrong, it was bad and it was definitely not allowed. Once more he reached out his hand, touching the empty space besides him where Kíli slept once in a while. What would he give to just be able to hear his younger brother's calm breathing next to him!
He covered his eyes with one hand. What should he do? He didn't want to talk about his troubles with anyone, he was sure that no one would be able to understand and – most of all – help him, give him any advise on what to do. He'd already thought about just telling Kíli about all his troubles, but he was afraid. Very afraid. The bond between him and Kíli had always been stronger than in a normal relationship between siblings, but what would Kíli do if he told him? Would he be disgusted? Afraid? Angry? Or, at that point he huffed sarcastic, would he be happy? Telling him that he felt exactly the same way but also had been afraid to tell him?
Surely not… he thought and tightened his grip on the blanket. He was almost sure that Kíli didn't feel the same way but at the same time he couldn't help thinking about what could be if he did. With a soft smile, he remembered the last hug between them and the warm body of his precious little brother as he innocently stroked his soft hair with Kílis head in his lap while they were sitting with the others.
He remembered the short, but hurting feeling of jealousy when another dwarf playful annoyed Kíli which resulted in a small fight between the brown haired dwarf and his opponent. Fíli sat by without saying anything and chewing on his own confusedness. Of course he didn't envy Kíli having fun but in this state of insecurity he had the feeling that every moment somebody could take his little brother away from him. Not in the meaning of losing his brother, but losing his loved one to another man. This feeling was not unfounded, there really was another dwarf who, at least Fíli thought so, was trying to get closer to Kíli. Therefore he also felt the pressure to act before it was too late, before Kíli and the other dwarf became a couple. But still he hesitated. The last thing the blonde wanted was to destroy the bond between him and Kíli and he was sure that once he confessed his love to his brother, he would turn away from him. Even when they would say that everything would stay as it was, he knew that this wasn't possible. How should they act normal with each other with both of them knowing that Fíli loved his brother in a way he definitely shouldn't? So, should he just keeping his mouth shut? This way, only Fíli would be the troubled one and he would spare his younger brother this worrying thoughts. But then again, he couldn't help but hope that the brown haired dwarf would notice that something was wrong. But would he be able to tell him honestly what was bothering him if he asked…?
Fíli couldn't answer this question; he was heavily confused and barely able to think about something else. Sighing for the last time he turned around, well aware that another sleepless night was lying ahead of him.
Hey there! Thank you for reading my first fanficion - finally I was brave enough to publish one of them ;)
Please forgive me any mistakes in language as english is not my mothertongue!
Reviews and advise in avoiding further mistakes would be awesome - also let me know if I should write a second part of this story.
Also a huge thanks to my best friend for being proofreader!