Title: They Don't Love You Like I Love You
Fandom: Glee
Rating: M
Pairing: Brittany/Santana
Summary: No one loves Brittany like Santana does.
Notes: Title from 'Maps' by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, beta'd by spookykat who is wonderful!
They're eight years old, and riding their bikes back and forth between the three blocks between their houses, and Santana loves the feeling of the wind in her hair and Brittany at her side. They're coming up on Brittany's street and they pass her house, Brittany's aunt calls out to her so they stop. As soon as she can, Santana pulls Brittany away and around the block to the park. They get off of their bikes and sit on a park bench. Brittany is smiling and laughing about the ducks at the pond across from them and Santana decides has to tell her. Santana, never being afraid to say what she thinks, does so without a moment's pause.
"I love you," she says to Brittany, who nods.
"I love you too," she says, and Santana can't help thinking she means only as a friend.
"No Iloveyou." she says stressing the words, it's important to her that Brittany understands how Santana feels. She knows Brittany has trouble understanding things sometimes, more than most people; but it doesn't make what she said any less true.
"Well my grandma says i'm loveable, my family love me too." Brittany smiled.
"They don't love you like I love you." Santana says and kisses her.
"I like it when you do that," Brittany says, and smiles and they linked pinky fingers.
They're thirteen and just made the Cheerios which means they're at the top of the social pyramid and that means they get the invites to all the coolest parties. Drunk and stumbling Brittany comes over to her, and Santana frowns as she sees a clueless boy trailing her.
"What are you doing?" Santana asks outraged as the boy's arm hangs across Brittany's shoulders. Glaring at him, Santana pushes his arm off Brittany to link their arms together. No one was taking Brittany without getting through Santana. Santana drags Brittany a couple of steps away from the boy.
"What are you doing with him?" she asks. "Do you know who that is?"
Brittany nodded. "He told me his name was Joel…something."
Santana sighed. The boy's a senior and has so many notches on his bedpost it looks like a pin cushion. Brittany deserves better.
"B really, what the hell are you doing with him?" Santana asked.
"I don't know," Brittany says and giggles and as she looks back at the boy, she waves and Santana grabs her hand and turns her away from the boy.
"Hi." Brittany smiles at her, Santana takes some satisfaction in knowing the smile she gets from the blonde is the brightest and the best, better than any she gives to anyone else. But then Brittany's smile fades.
"I don't feel so good," she says and she looks a little green.
"I'll take care of her," the guy offers, having lumbered over to them grinning. Santana glares.
"No you won't," she says firmly and wraps an arm around the blonde's waist. Brittany eagerly drapes her arms around Santana's neck as she allows her best friend to take her to the front door.
"Bye Joel," Brittany says as she waves at him as Santana drags her away.
"Britt don't," she warns.
"Why?" Brittany asks. "He's nice, he says he loves me."
"A lot of guys say they love you don't they?" Santana asks trying to get Brittany to see that just because some drunk guy at a party tells her he loves you is no reason to go up to a bedroom with him. She doesn't want that for Brittany. She doesn't want that hurt given to the blonde. Brittany deserves more.
"Yeah," Brittany nods.
"But they don't," she insists. Why doesn't Brittany see? She's worth so much more than that.
"They say they do," Brittany says. If someone says it then it must be true, Brittany still believes that mostly, especially when it comes to Santana.
"They don't love you like I love you." Santana says and takes Brittany home.
"I love you too," Brittany mumbles into Santana's neck.
It's the Homecoming dance and Santana and Brittany look gorgeous, Mike is charming and kind. He makes Brittany laugh and he's a good dancer but he's not right for Brittany and even Brittany knows it, the only one that's right is Santana but sex isn't dating or so she tells herself and Brittany so many times that it's become a mantra.
At the end of the night, after the after party the limo driver is still there because Santana's father didn't want her staying in some seedy hotel. Santana's father didn't know his little girl had already had the morning after experience many times over.
Mike kisses Brittany goodbye and whispers he loves her, Santana just stares after him. He doesn't love Brittany, not like Santana. The door shuts behind him and the car starts moving again. It's just Brittany and Santana in the limo unless you count the driver and neither Santana nor Brittany give him any thought.
"They don't love you like I love you." Santana whispers in Brittany's ear.
"Show me," Brittany begs and Santana does, finishing just as they pull up in front of Brittany's house.
They're twenty-one, and they left Lima (and each other) almost three years ago - packed boxes and tearful goodbyes, left for different colleges - empty dorm rooms and strange new faces and ever since she left, Santana has wished she was sixteen again, in the locker room with her Cheerio skirt hiked up and Brittany touching there, right there, oh God yes there, but she's not. She's not sixteen, not with Brittany. She's not even nineteen, making promises she knew she couldn't keep, but wished with all her might she could about a long distance relationship. She's twenty-one, alone and realizing that the best times of her life were being sixteen and in Lima of all places with Brittany.
She wants that back.
And she has her chance. Her last exam finished and Quinn is waiting, the car is packed, Santana walks out of the exam hall with a weight lifted from her shoulders because she's one step closer to seeing Brittany again. It started as a throw away idea, 'we should go see Brittany' and then the plan materialized, Quinn comes to her to check the date of her last exam and with that the planning is complete, bathroom breaks included.
She likes to pretend Quinn roped her into it, that the road trip and subsequent weekend with Brittany wasn't her idea. But it was and she knows it because she's been counting the miles to Brittany. So she's twenty-one in a dinner waiting for Quinn to get out of the damn bathroom because it's only 107 miles to Brittany and Quinn is taking forever.
"God damn it Quinn I thought your bladder was only this small when you were reenacting Juno." Santana snapped and Quinn finally emerged from the bathroom grinning.
"Finally." Santana exclaims and all but rips Quinn's arm off forcing her to the car.
Brittany is ecstatic to see them, talking a million miles a minute flitting from one idea to the next so many times that no one can keep up but they're all smiling just the same. Brittany takes them out, wanting her high school friends to meet her college friends, most of whom are dancers and Santana spends most of the right reigning in her desire to hit everyone who even looks at Brittany let alone touches her. But she doesn't because each time she goes to she reminds herself harshly that Brittany isn't hers anymore.
Several drinks, countless dances and a twenty-dollar cab ride later, Brittany and Santana end up back in Brittany's dorm room. Brittany's roommate, some annoying little perky red-head from Texas who was 'ever so glad' to meet Santana and whom Santana would have been 'ever so glad' to punch, had left the club with some guy and was probably flat on her back in his bed by now. Santana didn't care where she was as long as it wasn't with her and Brittany.
Things might have been a bit hazy around the edges, but Santana knows what she's doing when she pushes Brittany up against the wall and kisses her and she knows what she's doing when she lets Brittany lead her to the bed. She's doing what she wants, what she's wanted for so long and it feels right.
Brittany straddles her, kissing her neck in that old familiar way that drives Santana crazy. She turns her head to give Brittany more access and that's when she catches sight of a picture on Brittany's nightstand. It's Brittany and her dancer friends, living it up in front of a club. Brittany obviously notices that Santana is distracted, because she stops. And damn it, Brittany could be such a tease.
"What's wrong?" she asks and Santana looks over at her.
"They don't love you like I love you," she says and she's determined to prove it.
"Oh God Santana yes," Brittany moans.
It's Santana's twenty-fifth birthday and Quinn and Rachel have somehow managed to organize a celebration for her. Puck, Finn, Mercedes, Kurt, Mike, Matt, Artie, Tina were all there, but the one she wanted to see the most is painfully absent. As happy as she is to see them all, she finds herself compulsively checking the door for a dash of blonde hair. She hasn't realized how much she wants—no aches—she aches, somewhere deep in her soul to see Brittany and just when she'd given up on seeing the only person she actually cared about—she finally she does.
Everybody is so happy to see and Brittany's just as happy to see them, but Santana hangs back and just watches for a minute. She watches Brittany twist and twirl and dance from one person to the next, her face lighting up again and again. Santana wants to remember this moment always, she wants to remember Brittany breathing the same air with her and just being, just existing.
Finally, it's her turn. At first, Santana thinks it will be awkward. She doesn't know what she should do or say or what Brittany will do or say or what it will mean. But Brittany sees her; smiles, hugs her and whispers 'Happy birthday S' and Santana hugs her back. She doesn't have to think about what she's doing or saying she can just do and say and be and she's missed that feeling.
The Glee club of William McKinley High take New York by storm and Santana can't remember ever having had such a good birthday. In the early hours of the morning when everyone is outside, about to pile themselves into cabs for their various apartments, dorms and hotels they all stand on the side walk exchanging hugs and kisses. They all wish Santana 'happy now non-birthdays' and hug Brittany, showering her with 'we'll miss you's' 'take cares' 'see you soons' and 'we love yous'. Quinn and Rachel are the last to leave them with one last "we love you" to Brittany, Santana says it absent mindedly as she watches the cab drive off.
"They don't love you like I love you," she whispers, thinking nobody heard and by the time she turns back Brittany's hailed herself a cab, she's shaking her head sadly.
"Oh Santana," she says sadly, and then she's gone.
Three years later, they're both twenty-eight and both big-shots with their chosen careers which is actually what brings them together again. Brittany is dancing for 'the next big thing.' She's choreographing too, and everyone is over the moon for her. Santana beams with pride when she hears teenagers gush over the star's latest dance routine. They're sharing a tiny screen that shows a music video.
"See there, the blonde?" a teeny-bopper squeals. "She choreographed it all."
"It's mad," one of her friend says.
"So tight," another one agrees.
"She's amazing!" The first girl says. Santana has to agree. "Look at that there! How does she do that?"
Santana's stop is next and she gets off the bus grinning from ear-to-ear with pride for her Brittany. Santana's always known Brittany was brilliant, and now the rest of the world does too. Rachel calls that night bursting with excitement and an extra ticket, Brittany sent them to her and Quinn and Santana wonders if she meant the third ticket to go to her but she doesn't voice this question. She just agrees and packs a bag, hoping she won't regret it. The show is amazing, Santana doesn't care for the singer or the screaming fans but she watches the back-up dancer who was stealing the show intently. Every second Brittany is on stage is a master piece.
"They don't love you like i love you," Santana mutters under her breath as she watches Brittany sign autographs.
Their ten-year reunion comes and goes pretty uneventfully. They spend Friday night talking about their oh so glamorous lives, drinking spiked punch (it's Puck who spiked it of course). They dance to songs that are at least a decade old by now and they reminisce about all their wonderful old times and gossip about who gained weight, who never married, who divorced, and who didn't show up. It's just like high school... and why shouldn't it be, they're in the same gym with the same people.
Saturday night is a Group Glee dinner organized by Rachel to catch up with everyone before the party the following night. Santana goes and does something stupid, like always. She gets drunk and all but stumbles, trips and falls into Brittany's lap. She blames her shoes "Stupid heels!" she says and then "I'm such a klutz" and then she laughs (no one else joins in). Santana waits a bit longer than necessary before heaving herself out of Brittany's lap and into the space beside her, Brittany continues her conversation with Mercedes and Santana watches Brittany's mouth move, a flash of movement catches her attention and she watches Kurt sashay across the room by the time she tunes back in to Brittany, she's talking with Tina.
"I don't know why it didn't work out," she's saying. "I mean on paper, we were perfect. He said he loved me," Brittany says and sighs.
"They don't love you like I love you," Santana mumbles, but it's loud enough for Brittany to hear. She turns and stares and Santana stares back. Brittany sighs and rolls her eyes.
"And how the hell is that?" she asks, everybody's watching as Brittany stands, grabs her bag and heads for the door. Santana pushes herself into a standing position and follows in a somewhat straight line.
They're outside and Brittany's trying to hail a cab.
"Why are you leaving?" Santana asks.
"Why do you think?" Brittany snaps.
"I don't know, you're always leaving," Santana says swaying slightly.
"I'm the one leaving? Me?" Brittany yells. "You left me ten years ago, you left me heartbroken and then you come back into my life, let me think everything will be ok, that we'll get back together but you go and leave again and I'm left even more heartbroken than before."
"You didn't give me a reason to stay," Santana tells her.
"I gave you me!" Brittany screams. "I was the reason but I'm not enough!"
Santana doesn't say anything. She doesn't know what to say to make it better. She doesn't know if there's anything she can say.
"You always tell me they don't love me like you do but who the hell are they?" Brittany asks.
"Everyone!" Santana shouts. "No one will EVER love you like I do. I've spent the last ten years kicking myself for ever leaving you. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i would give everything else in my life away if i could get you back but i can't. Instead i have to hear about your life and the people in it who aren't good enough for you and who don't love you like i do. I know i'm not good enough for you, i know i never was and that's why i let you go 10 years ago, because i thought it would be better for both of us but i was wrong. It's been ten years of torture because every night i dream i'm back in your arms and every morning i wake up without you and it breaks my heart every single fucking time."
Brittany just stares at her, like she can't believe that this is Santana, but it is, she's the very same girl she's loved for years.
"I even bought that stupid fucking airhead's CD, the one you danced for." Santana continues. "i don't even like the songs but when i hear them i can see you dancing and it makes me smile."
She laughs bitterly and Brittany steps forward wanting to know what's so painfully funny. "i leave half an hour early to go to work every day because if i do i can cut through the parks and see the ducks there and why? Because the fucking ducks remind me of you and that you loved me once before i fucked everything up!"
Santana stops because she can't breathe anymore and because she's crying so hard she can't see properly. A cab finally pulls up at the curb beside Brittany but she doesn't get in. She waves him off and comes over to Santana. Santana doesn't say anything. She just stares. Brittany takes her face in her hands and kisses her and Santana kisses back, pulling Brittany to her tightly and swearing to never let her go again. Brittany pulls back.
"I never cared how 'they' love me, only how you did," she says, and Santana thinks that everything will be ok.
Santana finally understood then that all these years, she had gotten it all backwards. Nobody loved her like Brittany did, and thank God she'd never forget that.