I'm kinda wondering what was going through my mind as I was writing this ._. SUCH ANGST. I feel like crying.
I dunno, I just recently got into SeiferxHayner, and I needed to write something, as since I'm not one of those people who DESPERATELY try to write something that isn't total fluffeh happiness (or, as Seifer puts it in the story, bunnies prancing in a freakin' rainbow field), so I wrote this... Wow. I need help?
Well, I guess it's just because I don't think they'd just give up beating the shit out of each other so easily, even if they "loved" each other. It's one of those things I just DON'T see happening, y'know?
Anyway. Hopefully I don't kill anyone's mind with this.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, or the song. They all belong to their rightful owners, kay?
I Love The Way You Lie
Part 1:
Seifer's P.O.V
If anyone ever asked, he wouldn't ever be able to explain what it was exactly. Love, that is. But how it felt was pretty simple, because he could list a hundred different emotions; bliss, happiness, that feeling of being on top of the world, warmth. Seifer had enough experiences of love to share with half of Twilight Town, and always knew what to say in the event someone asked him what it felt like. He'd just put on the sweetest, fakest smile and tell them it felt like heaven, but it was something you needed to experience.
He'd be lying every time. Seifer knew all-too-well love rarely felt like bunnies prancing in a freakin' rainbow field. Love was harsh, and most of the time felt like someone was talking a knife to his throat, the way he couldn't breath, much less make out words to say how he felt. But it wasn't in his nature to just let something stupid like that take over, so instead he'd fight and wouldn't give a damn how wrong it was, because it just felt so fucking right.
Then, it was times he felt high off that weird ass love he was in the middle of, like he was Superman just up so high and in so much love it was hard to comprehend. And others, it was like he was drunk off his hate and he just needed to punch something because of how pissed off he was. But no matter what the hell he did, he knew he always had Hayner.
Most of the time, it was like he was suffocating, just drowning in life in general from the bills pilling up and the lack of income to pay said stupid ass bills. But just before he was about to complete loose it, just give up completely, he'd feel Hayner's arms wrap around his middle, and his silky smooth lips kiss the back of his neck gently, and it was like he was brought back from the dead, and Seifer could continue if only for a day or two because of Hayner.
But he knew Hayner didn't love him. It was one of those weird things that happened between them; they hated each other so much it turned into lust. More than once a fight had turned into a make-out session, or something so violent as actual fist fighting turned into sex. It was one of the craziest roller coasters Seifer had been on, and it was hard to sort it out to Rai and Fuu if it was love or hate. It was the most insane things ever, because everything would be going great for God knows how long and then all the sudden Seifer would loose it and push Hayner, or Hayner would just randomly punch Seifer. It was just something they did, something that happened...
Something that just fed into their normal lives.
But afterwards, just looking at Hayner with a busted lip, bruises and cuts, those repressed tears fixing to spill over, he felt horrible about it, felt horrible about punching him, grabbing him, even putting his hands on him. Then he would promise he'd never do it again, never stoop to something so low ever again, just whispering those empty promises into Hayner's ear to keep him there just a little longer.
He wondered how much longer the lies could last.
But it was one of those strange things; he felt like he was in love with Hayner, the way his heart fluttered to life and he couldn't tell what had hit him, because he never knew what had just happened. Other times, he got tired of looking at Hayner's face, the way his nose would crinkle if he was mad, or the way his mouth formed so perfectly into a smile. It was one of those things he just couldn't explain, much like anything that concerned Hayner. After they had got together, Seifer swore to Hayner he would never hurt him, emotionally or physically. Emotionally, Hayner couldn't be hurt, but physically was broke within the first week.
It was just a fight, Seifer remembered, that just started with something stupid and they got in each other's faces, saying some of the worst things they had ever said. They pushed, punched, kicked, pinned each other down, started biting and scratching. And it ended with making out and their first time having sex. Neither of them the morning after could figure out what happened, but Seifer remembered he felt so... lost mentally while he was making love to Hayner, like nothing else matter much.
More than once he caught a conversation Hayner would have with Olette, and he'd only catch his lover's side, telling the girl he could never leave Seifer, and he was unsure why. Seifer knew; it just felt so normal to them, and their friends didn't know them at all. Even though it looked like Hayner tried to make the relationship more on love and not on hate and lust, but it never worked, even after Seifer's continuous promises it would. Yesterday is yesterday, he would always say, and today is today. He'd always get a second chance with Hayner, no matter what.
Those chances were running thin...
They never meant any of it; the hitting, the cursing, the hurt. It was a pattern, a routine for them now, and they were both at fault. Their tempers were much too short, and they both knew little to nothing about love, and just were going by what they felt. But they were both too blind to realize they were alike so much, only they could ever get each other. Their relationship was crazy, the most insane, but Seifer never blamed it on Hayner; it was all his own. Seifer always begged Hayner not to leave after ever fight because he loved him too much to let him go. And they both bought the lies, if only for that moment.
Seifer always told him it wouldn't ever be the same; look him in the eyes, he would command. He would punch the wall instead of Hayner himself the next time a fight broke out. When Hayner would try to ignore him, he'd start yelling if he heard how sincere he was being, and that would get his young lover's attention. Then he would tell him it wasn't his fault, that he wasn't going to hit him anymore, that everything would settle into normalcy again. Hayner would just nod, tears in his eyes and hug Seifer, holding him closer than ever before and let Seifer whisper in his ear all those declarations of love and nonsense. And Hayner would just whisper back "I love the way you lie".