The days were a blur for her. A drink at the start of the day, a pill of Ibuprofen, breakfast, go to the store for more wine because she never seemed to have enough, and sometimes just go the the park and lay on a bench for hours at a time, watching the sky in tears. At the end of the day, she'd wander the streets until she eventually ended back into the run down apartment, then pass out on the couch after another glass of wine and Advil.
Like clockwork - mid day wake up, all day crying, midnight sleeping, pills and pills, a million wine types, and an old shirt from her career days.
But every once and awhile, the routine would change. As hard as she could try, she can not forget the day. She knew what day was when, she knew the 5 most important days of the year: When Zeus first met her, when Jupiter came back, When Thalia was born, When Jason was born, and when Jason was taken the same day Thalia ran. She knew these days, and those were when she seemed the most emotional.
Today was December 20th. No matter Riesling, Pinot Noir, Red, White, or Zinfandel, she can't shake the memory of neon blue eyes watching her from the black velvet blanket. She was tiny, a spray of freckles sprayed out like dirt from a lightning strike, her black fuzz spiked up like Einstein. She didn't know it was possible for a baby girl just born to look like a sky king, but she did. And she loved her, but hated that she looked like Zeus. In spite, she named her after the Muse and the daughter of Zeus: Thalia.
That night, Beryl decided to steal a car that someone nonchalantly left unlocked at a parking garage. It was an older car, one type she would have owned from her peak time as an actress. A bottle in her hands, and hands numb from the wires and electricity, she sloppily drove down the spiraling ramp and into the clogged streets of Hollywood.
Something in her mind whirled to life, and her hands guided her out of the city. Soon out of the county, then out of the highways.
The day started to close up, being so close to the equinox. She found herself with the skyline of San Francisco in her rearview mirror by nightfall. The only thing on her mind was Sonoma. She wanted to convince herself that it was the wine, or maybe the nice olive oil. But deep down, she still knew why she was going. Today was Thalia's birthday, but she failed her daughter the day she left her at Sonoma.
It was night, and she didn't feel like driving around. Mount Diablo looked nice at night, she remembered. The car didn't agree, the head lights blinked out.
Nothing big, she shrugged it off. The radio blared out an old rock hit by some band Thalia would have enjoyed. And she didn't see the headlights.
And the headlights hadn't seen her either.
Glass, metal, wine. White lights, black foliage, the cool snow against her skin. The warmth on her torso and legs, the thick sticky substance. Dull throbbing in her head, behind her eyes, on her arms and legs, her hair sprawled out around her like a halo. It was long, never seen an edge of a blade in over a decade. Time trickled past, and she heard only muff. Red light, white light, yellow light. Urgent tones blobbed together, the harsh plastic of something lifting her up. The sound of wind beating around her.
Something tingled in the back of her head, like a memory.
People rushed around the hospital, and she saw a little girl in a cast on the other side of the room. She looked like herself when she was a little girl.
Beryl didn't know what to make of this girl when she hobbled over to give her a lollipop.
"Why?" The actress tried to grab it, but it fell from her hand. The girl picked it back up and put it on her lap.
"You killed my daddy." She whispered. "He was a bad man, thank you for saving me."
She couldn't have been more than 7. Her cast was tye-dye.
That moment, Beryl's world became stone cold sober. Her thoughts ran like icey water in a spring river.
"Sweetie, what's your name?"
The girl looked at her with doe brown eyes.
"Lilly."
"Lilly, can you spell?"
She nodded. Beryl nodded to the table.
"Could you grab a pretty marker and write something on your cast for me?"
The girl smiled and humbled over to the table, grabbing the silver marker.
Beryl carefully spelled her name out to the girl, who wrote it in huge block letters on her cast.
Someone, a woman with brown hair streaked with grey, called out for Lilly. The little girl gently hugged Beryl's bed, then scampered off.
"-Mommy her name is Bear-all." The actress caught a whiff of the conversation.
"Honey, she was an alco -"
"She saved us mommy, she's a hero."
Beryl glanced towards them, the mother's eyes catching the actress'. There was tension, but Beryl felt oddly calm and at peace. For the first time in her life, someone called her a hero.
The doctors came in and out of the room, chattering about 'how it was a miracle she didn't die/become paralysed', tested her blood pressure, giving her simple pain killers, changing out her sheets, and making sure she wouldn't get bed sores. When she asked to see how much she had to pay, the nurse offered a grim smile and informed her that the other woman in the accident payed it all off for her for 'some unknown reason'.
Before she knew it, she was back in her apartment, a week later.
She was sober, so much so that when she looked at her apartment, she wanted nothing to do with it. The first thing she did was take the bottles of liquor, of wine, of spirits, of beer, and shove them into the largest box she could find and threw it into the dumpster out back. She ripped down the dusty curtains, picked up all the trash on her floors, and started to deep clean as much as she could.
She opened a door she hadn't touched in years. A small twin bed on one side of the room, a tattered baby crib at the other side. Blue curtains hung limp and askew on the barred up window, moth holes covering the fabric. A small toy sword and shield was propped up on the bed, a crayon doodle of medusa on it's wilted cardboard.
Beryl picked the cardboard shield up. She remembered this, very vaguely. Thalia taught Jason myth stories while pretending to fight monsters, being a hero she wanted to be.
No doubt Thalia was an adult now, or at least in college if she's made it this far.
Maybe she couldn't get Jason back from Hera, but maybe…
The thought was wild. The chances Thalia made it this far in her demigod life would be slim, but a slim chance was better than no chance.
And, staring at this room, stone cold sober, she made up her mind.
She marched to the library, registered an account, and started to get to work on a website.
Maybe, just maybe, she could find her daughter.
Maybe, just maybe, she could finally set things right.
And, unbeknownst to her, the mania growing inside of her wilted and died.