The Golden Bird Files
chap 1: The New Earth Incident
Author: Maimun N. Khan
Email: banglaminerva@aol.com
Summary: Captain Janeway realizes that Kathryn realizes some things after New Earth.
Rating: G, though it has the B word in it once.
Spoilers: Resolutions
Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters belong to TPTB. No infringement intended, though respect to Gene Roddenberry is intended.
.
**Kathryn Janeway walked from her replicator to her couch in semi-darkness. Just moments ago, she had shed her uniform of red and black, shivering at the unbidden thoughts of rage and despondence. She settled into the corner of the couch, her feet tucked under her, and stared at the stars fast being left behind on VoyagerÕs way home.
A deep sigh escaped her as she turned away from the viewport, picked up the newly replicated pen and old-styled paper journal and began to write...**
For the first time on this journey, I wish we had a counselor on board so I could have someone to talk to. Someone who, in theory, would be safe from my fears. Someone who would know that I'm not really larger than life. Someone who would know that I am Kathryn.
No, once again, I am Captain Janeway. Just 2 days ago, I was Kathryn. It had been a long time since I'd been Kathryn. I'm afraid that I think I'll never get to be her again.
When I opened my eyes while still in the stasis pod and had to shade them from the sunshine, I was still the Captain. To my right, I could see Chakotay awaking in his pod. There was no one else. Just him. And me. I knew that meant that the Doctor had failed even before our conversation confirmed the news. Not only had Captain Janeway condemned her entire crew to decades in the Delta quadrant, now Chakotay was trapped on this planet - with only her - with no hope of ever leaving it, much less returning to home.
That Captain sure can be a bitch.
But Kathryn.... Kathryn loved the feel of the sun on her face. The smell of the dew on the grass. The tug of the breeze trying to pull her hair loose of the command coil.
ÒGive me a few days on that,Ó he'd said when I suggested he call me ÒKathryn.Ó I didn't slow down or turn around when he'd said that. After all, he'd been the one to suggest fraternization protocols not too long ago in spite of the unique situation Voyager was in. As much as Kathryn was eager to shed the yoke of command, Captain Janeway wasn't going to add yet more burdens to her First Officer.
So our days on New Earth began. I continued trying to find a cure for the infection. Hours after hours I collected samples, ran scans, analyzed data. Chakotay did so much to make the shelter home-like. Home. And he tried to stop me from becoming obsessed with finding a cure. The last thing he needed was the one other sentient being on the planet becoming an insane, obsessed woman. So, a few hours each day, the Captain stepped back and let Kathryn soak in the tub, tend the tomato plants, or read a book.
But I wouldn't stop looking for a cure. As long as I'd see Chakotay outside late at night staring deeply into the night sky, I would not stop looking for a way to free him from the trap of New Earth within the trap of the Delta Quadrant.
He made me a bathtub. A wooden bathtub handmade of wood. I've never been given anything like that before. I think I'll never get anything like that again. He'd vanish for hours into the woods and when I asked about it, he teased me. Chakotay teased me. ÒYou're like a kid,Ó he said. And I giggled. It sounded so strange.... giggling, giggling! coming from inside me.
ÒDo you trust me?Ó he asked one dusk. Of course I trusted him. I'd made him my First Officer. And when I told him that, he said, ÒThen let me blindfold you.Ó To say I was stunned doesn't even begin to describe what I felt. I don't know where the Captain was that night. But Kathryn wasn't going to let his teasing win. I let him blindfold me and let him lead me out of our shelter. We only walked a short distance when he stopped me and asked if I was ready. As I said yes, I felt him untie the blindfold so gently.
And there, before me, was the bathtub. The water gleamed gold in the setting sun and it took my breath away. I knew, knew with no doubt, that this is what he had been making all that time. I think I whispered his name. All he said was ÒI'll leave you to enjoy it, Kathryn.Ó
I left the bathtub behind on New Earth. I did scan it and perhaps someday I'll replicate it. It won't be the same... not made by hand. But I'll remember.
What I did bring back though is the headboard that he made. I still read in bed sometimes.
Chakotay seemed to be able to really make a home on New Earth, even while hoping that we might start for home again. He tried to convince me that hope for the future was not balanced with acceptance of the present. To me, they were always counterweights to each other.
That plasma storm came so suddenly. The monkey tried to warn me though. But trying to get back to the shelter as the storm strengthened, I realized that dresses weren't the best attire for pioneering a new land. But I always preferred dresses and didn't even think about it until that storm. I'll have to keep that in mind on future shore leaves. But the storm... I don't know if I'd ever experienced such a strong plasma storm in such a fragile-feeling shelter. We crouched under the table, unsure of how secure the shelter was. But when I started to crawl out to save the research equipment, Chakotay held me back. He wouldn't let me go but I did struggle to escape from him and try to save vials, scanners and such. I was so scared. With each shattering vial, I saw hope of returning home slipping away. I begged him to let me go. And when I think now... I can still feel his hands on my arms keeping me sheltered under the table. I don't think of it very often. The Captain was so angry after the storm calmed. I knew looking around that nothing could be salvaged. I would find no cure. And in my anger, I grasped that the thought that I could have saved the equipment if only he hadn't held me back. I heard myself say in that arctic, condemning tone, ÒDo you know what you just did?Ó
I had no answer to his reply. ÒMade sure we were both here today to put things back together.Ó
I envied the peace Chakotay carried within him. I still envy it. Since he first came on board, he knew how to find a center, a balance. As we were cleaning up from the storm, he was making jokes. Here I had doomed him to a lifetime far from home to a planet with only one other person on it. If I died, he'd be all alone. Yet he joked and planned and hoped still. Voyager was blessed when he came on board.
How ironic that I would envy him his peace just hours before he told me of The Angry Warrior. How silly I was to tell him that we needed to Ôdefine parameters.Õ That was Captain's language and I guess I still wasn't really settled in being just Kathryn and using normal talk. But he interrupted me and told me of the a legend. (Though I still think he was making it up as he went along. For a warrior, he's a very good story-teller.) An Ancient Legend of an Angry Warrior who finds his peace in working with a woman warrior.
I miss my tomato plants already. I went to Astroponics earlier, but it just didn't feel the same. The sun wasn't warming my neck, my shoulders weren't haunched over, the earth wasn't really earth, and the tomatoes there didn't really need my tending. I'm sure any tomatoes that may grow back on the planet would be absolutely delicious. I hope the Monkey enjoys them.
A trip on the river sounded like so much fun. I think, until then, I had forgotten about vacations. But that's what the boat trip sounded like. Not investigating or surveying; not stocking supplies or evaluating. Just looking... exploring... experiencing. It would have been fun.
I was horrified to realize that the sound was Voyager hailing us on our com badges. Kathryn had finally found a home. Then I was horrified for being horrified. Voyager would only return because they had found a cure. The Captain could not entrap anyone, even to such a place as New Earth. Chakotay brought over the com badges to me. Tuvok was calling for Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. But all I could say was ÒThis is Janeway.Ó
Thirty hours later, we were leaving. I kept looking at the tomato plants, the woods, the blue sky. Kathryn kept looking at them. The Captain was coiled and uniformed, glad that Chakotay wasn't looking around as if he would miss New Earth. He would carry his peace with him. Kathryn would miss New Earth enough for both of them.
**Kathryn Janeway set the pen down and took a sip of now cold coffee. She stretched her legs and read what she had written. Then she closed the journal, held it in both hands and stared once more out of her viewport, lost in thought. After a long time she rose and put the journal back in the replicator. After quickly programming and activating the replicator, she took the journal out and examined the newly embedded retinal seal.
She quickly opened the journal again and added a brief note. **
After a long thought on the idea, I've decided to keep this journal. I might be a child of the 24th century, but I found a release in the ancient task of putting pen to paper that recording my personal logs do not offer. Who knows, perhaps I might even take up drawing again someday. Within this journal will be those things I would likely say to Mother, some friends, or Star Fleet Counselors. But those are not options and I think I should learn to accept the present without losing the hope of the future. This will not substitute for my personal logs, but might let me not lose Kathryn on this long journey home.
**She closed the journal and set it, with the pen, on her shelf. **
chap 1: The New Earth Incident
Author: Maimun N. Khan
Email: banglaminerva@aol.com
Summary: Captain Janeway realizes that Kathryn realizes some things after New Earth.
Rating: G, though it has the B word in it once.
Spoilers: Resolutions
Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters belong to TPTB. No infringement intended, though respect to Gene Roddenberry is intended.
.
**Kathryn Janeway walked from her replicator to her couch in semi-darkness. Just moments ago, she had shed her uniform of red and black, shivering at the unbidden thoughts of rage and despondence. She settled into the corner of the couch, her feet tucked under her, and stared at the stars fast being left behind on VoyagerÕs way home.
A deep sigh escaped her as she turned away from the viewport, picked up the newly replicated pen and old-styled paper journal and began to write...**
For the first time on this journey, I wish we had a counselor on board so I could have someone to talk to. Someone who, in theory, would be safe from my fears. Someone who would know that I'm not really larger than life. Someone who would know that I am Kathryn.
No, once again, I am Captain Janeway. Just 2 days ago, I was Kathryn. It had been a long time since I'd been Kathryn. I'm afraid that I think I'll never get to be her again.
When I opened my eyes while still in the stasis pod and had to shade them from the sunshine, I was still the Captain. To my right, I could see Chakotay awaking in his pod. There was no one else. Just him. And me. I knew that meant that the Doctor had failed even before our conversation confirmed the news. Not only had Captain Janeway condemned her entire crew to decades in the Delta quadrant, now Chakotay was trapped on this planet - with only her - with no hope of ever leaving it, much less returning to home.
That Captain sure can be a bitch.
But Kathryn.... Kathryn loved the feel of the sun on her face. The smell of the dew on the grass. The tug of the breeze trying to pull her hair loose of the command coil.
ÒGive me a few days on that,Ó he'd said when I suggested he call me ÒKathryn.Ó I didn't slow down or turn around when he'd said that. After all, he'd been the one to suggest fraternization protocols not too long ago in spite of the unique situation Voyager was in. As much as Kathryn was eager to shed the yoke of command, Captain Janeway wasn't going to add yet more burdens to her First Officer.
So our days on New Earth began. I continued trying to find a cure for the infection. Hours after hours I collected samples, ran scans, analyzed data. Chakotay did so much to make the shelter home-like. Home. And he tried to stop me from becoming obsessed with finding a cure. The last thing he needed was the one other sentient being on the planet becoming an insane, obsessed woman. So, a few hours each day, the Captain stepped back and let Kathryn soak in the tub, tend the tomato plants, or read a book.
But I wouldn't stop looking for a cure. As long as I'd see Chakotay outside late at night staring deeply into the night sky, I would not stop looking for a way to free him from the trap of New Earth within the trap of the Delta Quadrant.
He made me a bathtub. A wooden bathtub handmade of wood. I've never been given anything like that before. I think I'll never get anything like that again. He'd vanish for hours into the woods and when I asked about it, he teased me. Chakotay teased me. ÒYou're like a kid,Ó he said. And I giggled. It sounded so strange.... giggling, giggling! coming from inside me.
ÒDo you trust me?Ó he asked one dusk. Of course I trusted him. I'd made him my First Officer. And when I told him that, he said, ÒThen let me blindfold you.Ó To say I was stunned doesn't even begin to describe what I felt. I don't know where the Captain was that night. But Kathryn wasn't going to let his teasing win. I let him blindfold me and let him lead me out of our shelter. We only walked a short distance when he stopped me and asked if I was ready. As I said yes, I felt him untie the blindfold so gently.
And there, before me, was the bathtub. The water gleamed gold in the setting sun and it took my breath away. I knew, knew with no doubt, that this is what he had been making all that time. I think I whispered his name. All he said was ÒI'll leave you to enjoy it, Kathryn.Ó
I left the bathtub behind on New Earth. I did scan it and perhaps someday I'll replicate it. It won't be the same... not made by hand. But I'll remember.
What I did bring back though is the headboard that he made. I still read in bed sometimes.
Chakotay seemed to be able to really make a home on New Earth, even while hoping that we might start for home again. He tried to convince me that hope for the future was not balanced with acceptance of the present. To me, they were always counterweights to each other.
That plasma storm came so suddenly. The monkey tried to warn me though. But trying to get back to the shelter as the storm strengthened, I realized that dresses weren't the best attire for pioneering a new land. But I always preferred dresses and didn't even think about it until that storm. I'll have to keep that in mind on future shore leaves. But the storm... I don't know if I'd ever experienced such a strong plasma storm in such a fragile-feeling shelter. We crouched under the table, unsure of how secure the shelter was. But when I started to crawl out to save the research equipment, Chakotay held me back. He wouldn't let me go but I did struggle to escape from him and try to save vials, scanners and such. I was so scared. With each shattering vial, I saw hope of returning home slipping away. I begged him to let me go. And when I think now... I can still feel his hands on my arms keeping me sheltered under the table. I don't think of it very often. The Captain was so angry after the storm calmed. I knew looking around that nothing could be salvaged. I would find no cure. And in my anger, I grasped that the thought that I could have saved the equipment if only he hadn't held me back. I heard myself say in that arctic, condemning tone, ÒDo you know what you just did?Ó
I had no answer to his reply. ÒMade sure we were both here today to put things back together.Ó
I envied the peace Chakotay carried within him. I still envy it. Since he first came on board, he knew how to find a center, a balance. As we were cleaning up from the storm, he was making jokes. Here I had doomed him to a lifetime far from home to a planet with only one other person on it. If I died, he'd be all alone. Yet he joked and planned and hoped still. Voyager was blessed when he came on board.
How ironic that I would envy him his peace just hours before he told me of The Angry Warrior. How silly I was to tell him that we needed to Ôdefine parameters.Õ That was Captain's language and I guess I still wasn't really settled in being just Kathryn and using normal talk. But he interrupted me and told me of the a legend. (Though I still think he was making it up as he went along. For a warrior, he's a very good story-teller.) An Ancient Legend of an Angry Warrior who finds his peace in working with a woman warrior.
I miss my tomato plants already. I went to Astroponics earlier, but it just didn't feel the same. The sun wasn't warming my neck, my shoulders weren't haunched over, the earth wasn't really earth, and the tomatoes there didn't really need my tending. I'm sure any tomatoes that may grow back on the planet would be absolutely delicious. I hope the Monkey enjoys them.
A trip on the river sounded like so much fun. I think, until then, I had forgotten about vacations. But that's what the boat trip sounded like. Not investigating or surveying; not stocking supplies or evaluating. Just looking... exploring... experiencing. It would have been fun.
I was horrified to realize that the sound was Voyager hailing us on our com badges. Kathryn had finally found a home. Then I was horrified for being horrified. Voyager would only return because they had found a cure. The Captain could not entrap anyone, even to such a place as New Earth. Chakotay brought over the com badges to me. Tuvok was calling for Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. But all I could say was ÒThis is Janeway.Ó
Thirty hours later, we were leaving. I kept looking at the tomato plants, the woods, the blue sky. Kathryn kept looking at them. The Captain was coiled and uniformed, glad that Chakotay wasn't looking around as if he would miss New Earth. He would carry his peace with him. Kathryn would miss New Earth enough for both of them.
**Kathryn Janeway set the pen down and took a sip of now cold coffee. She stretched her legs and read what she had written. Then she closed the journal, held it in both hands and stared once more out of her viewport, lost in thought. After a long time she rose and put the journal back in the replicator. After quickly programming and activating the replicator, she took the journal out and examined the newly embedded retinal seal.
She quickly opened the journal again and added a brief note. **
After a long thought on the idea, I've decided to keep this journal. I might be a child of the 24th century, but I found a release in the ancient task of putting pen to paper that recording my personal logs do not offer. Who knows, perhaps I might even take up drawing again someday. Within this journal will be those things I would likely say to Mother, some friends, or Star Fleet Counselors. But those are not options and I think I should learn to accept the present without losing the hope of the future. This will not substitute for my personal logs, but might let me not lose Kathryn on this long journey home.
**She closed the journal and set it, with the pen, on her shelf. **