Patience
(as requested by Star Fire Girl 788)
by elric-logic
It was only on these devastatingly hot days in Karakura Town that anybody packed up their cars full of the day's activities' goods and drove those long miles to the nearest beach. And Kurosaki Ichigo, despite his constant smirk and arrogant demeanor, was no exception to this rule.
Lying on his back in his bedroom, his sweat-dampened shirt cast onto the floor, his arm draped over his sweaty forehead as he stared up at the ceiling and counted the minutes he had been waiting, much like a timer. Fifteen. Rukia and the twins should have been home nearly fifteen minutes ago. How long does it take to buy bathing suits?
Ichigo glanced at the clock on his desk. It was nearing eleven o'clock. They were supposed to be at Asano Keigo's, now. Clearly they were going to keep the group waiting.
And just as he thought this thought, he could hear the gentle roar of his truck creeping up the road, as it steadily grew louder before it came to park in front of the house.
Finally, Ichigo thought. He leapt off the bed and at the same time, bent down to grab his shirt and threw it in the laundry hamper, then opened one of the drawers beneath his closet for a clean one. He threw it on over his head as he bounded down the stairs, already wearing his swim trunks. His long legs carried him from the stairs to the kitchen in only a few strides; stopping by the refrigerator, he pulled open the door to snag some water bottles as the front door opened down the hall. It closed quickly after, replaced by the sound of bare feet padding across the wooden floor.
"Ichi-nii!" "Sorry we're late, I'll be quick!" Two girls came sprinting out of the hall, one of them rushing past him, tossing the keys up as she did so. Ichigo caught them out of the air, the keys crushing together in his large grasp.
"Ichi-nii, look!" He turned to see his younger sister Yuzu holding up her shopping treasure, a light pink two-piece bathing suit, still hanging on its small, plastic hanger.
"What's the big deal?" he said, hardly eyeing the thing and brushing past her to stuff the water bottles inside of his backpack lying on the kitchen counter.
"Hmph!" she pouted. He could hear the duck-like shape of her lips in her voice. "The big deal is that it's a two-piece. Rukia-chan said we were old enough for them now. Dad can whine all he wants is what she said." Ichigo turned around to face them.
"Actually Rukia-chan said that Goatface can suck it and we can wear what we want because we're in middle school," Karin piped up, standing in the door frame of the hallway.
"Karin!" Yuzu scolded, attempting to protect their Rukia-chan from being in trouble with their brother for saying such ugly words about their father, as Ichigo chuckled, hardly caring.
"Well, tell Rukia I'll be in the truck," he said, pushing himself off the counter and grabbing his backpack before he took off for the door. "And to grab towels."
"Will do," Karin said.
Outside, Ichigo dumped his backpack into the bed of his pick-up, then opened the driver door and hopped in. He started the truck and after eyeing the gas gauge, turned it back off, but not before rolling the windows down. He buckled his seat belt, then propped his elbow on the window ledge and leaned on his hand, his other resting on the steering wheel, drumming his fingers on the tightly-bound leather. Some would say that Ichigo tended to have little patience.
Rukia appeared out the front door moments later, running with two towels in her arms. She didn't bother to put on a shirt, just a white zip-up jacket that wasn't zipped, revealing her red bikini top, and a pair of jean shorts. Ichigo found himself watching her legs as she ran, eyeing the skin showing. He mentally punched himself when he realized what he was doing.
He started the truck while she tossed the towels into the bed and opened the door, jumping up to land her flip-flopped feet on the floor of the truck.
"Having trouble there, midget?" he smirked. She slammed the door shut.
"Suck it, berry," she snapped. Ichigo switched gears and sped away immediately, just as Rukia was reaching for her seatbelt. "Rude," she muttered. Ichigo smirked as he heard the click from beside him.
"Rude isn't exactly the word I would use to describe myself," he said.
"Oh?" He nodded in response to her tone. "Then what word?"
"Aware," he replied.
"So you were aware I didn't have my seatbelt on?"
"Yes."
"And yet you still drove, rather fast and dangerous, might I add."
"Yes. But not dangerously." Rukia scoffed.
"Fool," she muttered, then turned her attention to the passing trees out her window. Ichigo glanced at her for a moment, then turned his eyes back to the road. When he stopped at a red light, he looked at her again.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? It isn't a big deal."
"I would just prefer to know that I'm as safe as possible."
"That's not typically like you, but whatever. You should know that you're safe whenever you're with me, okay? Whether or not you're strapped in, you're fine if I'm driving. I wouldn't be reckless knowing you weren't safe. Just accept that and let it go." Rukia was silent for a moment.
"And don't overthink that," Ichigo added. "It is just a matter of fact."
"Alright," Rukia said silently. "I trust you."
"Haven't you always trusted me, or was I just under some kind of weird perception where, when someone goes through hell and back just to save someone else's life from certain death, that said person would trust them with their life? And not just metaphorically?"
"Suck it, berry. You know what I meant." Ichigo's smirk grew at the feeling of knowing he was right, Rukia was wrong, and she was acknowledging it. If Rukia's statement could even count as acknowledgment. But that's as close as she would get. He knew that, and he was okay with it. As long as Rukia understood. He could see it in the corners of her violet eyes, with what he could see of them.
"Light's green. You suck at driving." Several horns honked behind them, proving her point.
"Sorry," he said, hitting the gas.
"For what? You don't have to apologize for sucking as a driver." Ichigo paused.
"…Nothing." Rukia nodded and remained silent as they drove. Ichigo exhaled slowly and silently, putting his second hand on the steering wheel, settling into their comfortable silence as he struggled to be comfortable with his realization.
He had been staring at her.
"ICHI-GOOOO!" Rukia chuckled as they heard Asano Keigo's unnaturally loud and incredibly obnoxious voice enter through the wide-open windows, even though they were still several yards from the driveway to the apartment complex, of which was cluttered with teens gathered around a vehicle parked illegally in the mouth of driveway. Several of Ichigo's friends turned and began waving upon Keigo's declaration of their arrival.
"Kurosaki-kun!" "Rukia-chan!" "Finally, it's about time."
Ichigo parked the truck in the street, along the curb in front of Keigo's apartment complex. Rukia hopped out first and gathered by their friends, while Ichigo paused by the bed of the truck to stuff the towels into his backpack and sling it over his shoulder before joining them.
"What took you guys so long?" Arisawa Tatsuki called out from her spot inside the bed of Keigo's truck. Sado Yasutora sat across from her, draping his arm over the back end of the truck. Inoue Orihime leaned her against the truck, near her best friend, with Honsho Chizuru standing beside her. Ishida Uryu stood a few feet in front of them, next to Keigo, who stood beside Kojima Mizuiro.
"It's my fault, really," Rukia said, an apologetic look obvious within her features, bowing slightly to express her apology. "Lost track of time. But we should probably get going now to make up for the lost time."
"Before we leave we need to figure out who is riding with who," Uryu said, pushing glasses further up on his nose as the attention of the group was focused on him.
"I'm basically out of gas," Ichigo said, speaking up. "Not even enough to make it to the gas station."
"Well shit," Keigo said. "I would make a suggestion but Uryu would object to it." His sharp eyes pointed daggers at the friend in question.
"And what would that be?" the Quincy asked in response, an accusatory tone obvious in his voice.
"I already know where this is going," Ichigo said, beginning to step forward, tossing his backpack in the bed in the process. "In that case, dibs on shotgun." He opened the passenger door as Keigo spoke again.
"We'll just have to squeeze as many as we can into the truck and some people will sit in the bed."
"Absolutely not! That is against the law!" Uryu shouted.
"It'll be perfectly fine!" Keigo argued back. "Cops never stop people from doing that, especially at the beach! I've done it loads of times!"
"That doesn't make it legal!"
"If you think about it, Uryu," Mizuiro cut in. "Keigo is going to be the one getting the ticket if he gets pulled over."
"He's got a point!" Keigo said.
"Oh, whatever!" The quincy gave up and opened the back door to climb into the backseat.
And in the end, Mizuiro and Chad ended up riding in the bed while Keigo drove, Uryu sat in back beside Tatsuki and Chizuru, Orihime sat next to Ichigo in the front's middle seat due to Tatsuki demand, to keep the lesbian away from her best friend, and Rukia, because she was the smallest, sat on Ichigo's lap.
The nearest beach was thirty-five minutes away by car, and most of that drive was outside of Karakura. The highway was packed, but not slowed, by the rush of traffic heading in the same direction as the light-hearted teens driving along with their sense of freedom, freedom felt in the wind that blew their hair back as they drove at great speeds to their destination.
The sun bore down on them in twinkling streams, and once they hit the longest stretch of bridge over the biggest river in the area, the rippling waters of blue reflected their high spirits with its own starry dance.
Ichigo could see the shimmering dust playing on the waves, and in the reflection of Rukia's violet eyes themselves, thanks to the window on the side of the truck. He could see the questions in her eyes, the wonder, the thoughts. He wondered what she liked about the sight of the dancing waves before them; if they reminded her of her zanpakuto, or if they called out to her in a way that he just wouldn't understand. She looked so at peace, even with the annoyance of her dark hair blowing about her face, surely blurring her vision. Especially the stubborn strand that constantly fell between her eyes. But she didn't look like she minded it, if she even noticed. It was as if she was on top of the world.
That could either mean something very good, or something very bad.
"Are you alright?" he said quietly, turning his head and lowering it slightly so that his lips were at her ear and their friends wouldn't hear him. Rukia only nodded in response, saying nothing. It only made him wonder more. But he didn't say anything else. He let her be alone with her thoughts once again.
She was sure that she looked like something to him that she wasn't, what with the way she followed him around so much that day. But she didn't particularly care about that small detail, given that there was something that mattered infinitely many times more than with whom it appeared she was associated.
And that was keeping herself calm and collected. She knew she could do it, because she was strong, and being a Kuchiki had only a fraction of credit in that department. But it sure was difficult. And with what Ichigo had said earlier in his truck… well, who could blame her for trying to stay near him whenever she could help it?
Especially so in the water, the Pacific Ocean to be more specific. There weren't oceans in Soul Society, nothing more than simple hot springs and community baths. They were absolutely nothing in comparison to a beach in the World of the Living, especially on such a wonderfully hot day like it was on this day. There were hundreds of people here, and yet, as she studied every person and each group of people she could, nobody seemed to be aware of anybody else's presence but their own or their group's own. And then she noticed that she was the only one in her group paying attention to anybody outside of their group.
Orihime noticed her staring first as the group walked along the beach to find a spot to claim, but not before she noticed Rukia's odd closeness to Ichigo as she trailed behind him.
"Have you ever been to the beach before, Rukia?" she said politely, falling into step beside her. Rukia smiled and shook her head.
"Never." Orihime's face spread into an utterly shocked expression.
"What? Are you serious?" Tatsuki exclaimed from behind them. "This is your first time?"
"Yes."
"Well I guess then we get to show you how to do it right from the very start!" Rukia had no idea what she meant by that. But she had no time to question it as Tatsuki suddenly sprang forward, grabbing Orihime's hand and running off with her, to the spot that Keigo and Mizuiro, who were far ahead, leading the group along, paused at. They each dropped their beach bags and stripped of their clothes quickly, then sprinted to the water before all of their group members had arrived at their spot.
"They're eager," Rukia noted. Chad chuckled behind her.
"It sure seems that way," he said.
Soon after, their whole group had abandoned their towels and bags and discarded clothing and was now wading their way into the water. Rukia paused at the shore, leting the waves tickle her toes as they snatched at the sand before falling back into the shallow ocean. Ichigo noticed her pause and turned around, knee-deep in the water, the bottoms of his red trunks teasing the surface.
"You okay?" he asked. She looked up at the sound of his voice.
"Yeah," she said.
"Then stop making me ask that." At first, Rukia was taken aback by that. About to retort to the fool, she stopped in the middle of her rash inhale. Guilt replaced the sudden irritation she had. Ichigo could read it on her face. But there was also something else that he couldn't read.
She opened her mouth to speak, probably to confess to him with the secret she had been keeping for who knows how long, but Ichigo cut her off.
"Don't worry about it," he said. "You don't have to tell me anything now. Just wait until you're ready or when you think the time is right." Rukia looked down and thought silently for a moment. Ichigo began to turn back to the sea, facing his friends who were far out into the waters now. When his back was facing her, he heard her chuckle.
"Wonder where I've heard that before," she teased.
"Just hurry up and grow a pair, midget," he retorted. "Get in the damn water." Rukia scoffed.
"Fool! I'm not scared of the water!" Her response only made him smirk.
"Then it must be that you're scared you'll drown." His smirk grew wider.
"Not likely!"
"Can you even swim?" The look she gave him nearly made him break out in laughter.
"Shut up, you idiot!" That got her in the water. Her angry feet tried to storm past him, splashing the water around as she tried to do so. But that raised a red flag in Ichigo's head. He outstretched his arm and caught her around the waist before she got too far past him, then stepped in front of her and released his hold.
"Whoa," he said as he moved. "Can you even swim?"
"I don't know," she said truthfully. "I know I can tread water, but not for very long. I've never really had to swim like what I imagine you're asking about." The next wave was large for this shallow of water and crashed against their legs, and nearly pushing Rukia over at the waist. Stumbling, she grabbed Ichigo's arm and steadied herself, but before she could fix her composure, Ichigo noticed the flash of panic on her face.
"Since you're not going to admit to any concern of drowning, I'll just be blunt and say that I'll keep an eye on you, so don't worry about it. You'll be safe." She didn't show any look of gratitude, but she didn't show any irritation at her words, either. But Ichigo didn't need for her to show her appreciation for him to know that it was there.
"Can we just… take some baby steps?" she asked.
"I don't see why not," he said, shrugging. Before she started walking forward again, she allowed her legs to get used to the water's temperature, which didn't take long. Every time another wave came crashing against them, she held onto his arm for support. He didn't seem to mind how long she was taking to just take a few steps. He was patient, and even though she knew he had it in him, she was still somewhat surprised. Ichigo didn't always seem like the caring type, and it always seemed like a revelation when he showed it, even though everyone who knew him knew he was one of the nicest guys out there.
Soon they were deep into the water, the eager waves lapping at her chest as Ichigo stood beside her, waist-deep in the crystal waters. She paused once more, letting her toes dig into the wet sand beneath them.
"You know, I never appreciated how much taller I am than you until now," he said, looking down on her and for the first time feeling a sense of dipping his head too low to do so as he did so.
"Shut up, berry," she said, punching him in the abdomen. "I'm not that short."
"Whatever makes you feel better about yourself."
"What's taking you guys so long?" Keigo called from further out into the water, his annoyance obvious on his face.
"Wouldn't you like to know!' Ichigo called back to him, then faced Rukia once more. "Don't feel pressured. You can take your time." She nodded to him and started to take another step forward. The next few waves were somewhat gentle and rose to her chin, submerging her neck in the water. As soon, once she was almost chin-deep in the water, another wave came forward that fell over her head.
Even though there was no need to panic, she did, just before Ichigo caught her around the waist and lifted her up to his level, almost-chest level. She sputtered and spit out the saltwater from her mouth, coughing and practically falling limp, her kicking legs falling still and brushing against his knees with the gentle pull of the waves.
"Midget, you're fine," Ichigo said, speculating her panicky overreaction. "Calm down." It only took her a moment to recover, and when she did, she looked embarrassed. Ichigo decided to save her anymore embarrassment and moved on.
"The best thing to do when a wave comes is to jump, and ride it out," he advised, setting her down. "And if you have a hard time touching the ground enough to do that, then just use my arm and push off that." She tried it with the next wave, and was successful.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
"You don't need to thank me."
"Just shut up and accept my gratitude, berry." Ichigo had nothing to say to that, nor did he want to say anything. He let her have the last word.
At the end of the day, Rukia's exhausted body was limp and lifeless on the floor next to Karinn's sleeping. Yuzu's body was nearly hanging off the side of the couch. Ichigo himself was falling asleep sitting up, remote in hand, eyes drooping as he hardly took in the moving pictures on the screen in front of him.
It was Yuzu's body falling off the couch that woke him up. His eyes flashed opened as his body jumped upright, and for a second he forgot what was happening. When he heard his sister's stirring he peered over the edge of the sofa and found her unmoving, other than her mumbling mouth.
"Where are the green potatoes, Ichi-nii? We need them for Don Kanonji's bar mitzvah." Ichigo chuckled to himself as he raised the remote to turn off the television. He stood up and took in the sight of the girls asleep on the floor in front of him, before kneeling down before Yuzu and scooping up her body in his arms. This time the movement made her eyes flutter, and they briefly opened and studied his face as he carried her towards the stairs.
"Ichi-nii?" she asked in a timidly tired voice, watching him with half-lidded eyes.
"Close your eyes and go back to sleep, Yuzu," he said gently, beginning to climb the stairs. He used a slow and steady pace, hoping the movement would lull her back to sleep more quickly.
"'Kay," she sighed, happily closing her eyes per his request.
As he laid her down in her bed, (though he was unsure about which one was hers), she said something that disturbed Ichigo.
"Ichi-nii, I think something is wrong with Rukia." Ichigo froze in place, his arms only halfway slid out from underneath her body.
If even his younger sister noticed something off about her, he knew there was a problem.
"I do, too."
"Please make her feel better, Ichi-nii," she said, her eyes still closed, her voice still coated in sleep. "I don't like seeing her like that."
"Neither do I." He pulled the sheet up and over her small body, then kissed her forehead and left to retrieve Karin. Once both twins were in bed, he closed their door silently and headed back down to the living room to carry Rukia to her room, opening the door off the living room beforehand.
As he scooped her up, he noticed her face was free from the expression that he noticed, hidden within her more obvious expression, earlier. She looked so calm, so at peace now. It seemed almost easier to identify now. What was it? Was it worry? Tiredness? Loneliness? Neither of those seemed to fit it properly. He seemed too close to the right word that he couldn't find it. It frustrated him.
Her bed was much softer than his. He could feel that just by the gentle ease of his arms over her comforter as he laid her down. For a quick second, he almost envied her.
She spoke when he had nearly completely closed the door.
"Ichigo?" he heard, right before he would have heard the click from the knob. He opened the door again, facing the darkness, the small figure of Rukia's body visible only from the dim moonlight streaming in a light film through her curtains. Ichigo could see her sit up, crossing her legs as she looked up at him. It was her eyes that made him, for the first time, realize that something was truly wrong, beyond his initial worries.
And then he could feel it. The room was a heavy pressure of negative energy that made him stop in his tracks as he turned around. He wondered if this was the sort of feeling that gave Rukia that unnamed look on her face, if she had been feeling this all day, or longer. He couldn't imagine how she could bear it.
Their eyes met then. And he could see it, clear as day. It wasn't that untitled expression, but it was very close. Fear. Her normally purple eyes were nearly indigo with an onslaught of crippling, looming blackness that threatened her. He could see the tears building somewhere inside of her, but he knew she would fight to the death than let them fall.
"Rukia," he said, breaking the heavy silence. A perfect 'Rukia', a sound that no other voice could replicate, not with the emotion and care that he held in his authoritative tone, a sound that nobody else could say the way Ichigo could.
"Close the door," she responded silently. "I have something to tell you." Ichigo stepped into the room, immediately becoming suffocated, his hand gently closing the door behind him. But before he closed it all the way, his hand lingered on the knob, his eyes fixed on her eyes that darted to her lap, avoiding his gaze, hesitating, like he was.
"Look, if you're not ready-"
"I'm not ready, Ichigo," she nearly yelled, cutting him off. "I'm not ready to die." Her broken voice trailed into nothing as she finished her sentence. Then it was silent again. It settled between them once more, but was quickly broken by a short click and then heavy footsteps as he approached her.
"Rukia," he said again, once he stood in front of her. "What do you mean by that?"
It took her a long time to do anything. Her movements felt so slow and heavy, like she was being prematurely pulled down into the earth where her soon-to-be corpse would lay, especially when she reached her arm high above her head to grab the collar of Ichigo's shirt and pulled him down to her face, stealing his first kiss. When she let go of him, she looked down into her lap and refused to look up again.
For that second, that one tiny second, all negative and overwhelming feelings in the room vanished. It was like it had never been there in the first place, like they, together, were enough to withstand anything. He felt so warm to her, so safe, and then she remembered his words and his promise from earlier, and she couldn't believe in him any more than she did right then.
And then it was all over. Everything came back to her in a rush that nearly caused her to collapse. The silence was the worst part of it. Neither of them said anything for awhile. Ichigo, though he understood what happened, was trying to figure out why it happened. He tried to find a meaning behind it, but couldn't find anything that he was comfortable with accepting.
Rukia broke the silence this time, but she wouldn't look at Ichigo when she spoke.
"Did you know that I had an older sister, Ichigo?" When Rukia said this, he remembered a story told a long time ago by Byakuya Kuchiki, a story about his wife named Hisana, his wife who looked exactly like her younger sister, his wife who fell ill after being married for five happy years and passed away. Ichigo had unsettled negative feelings toward that story, as it had nearly gotten Rukia executed, and that idea itself was something that usually crossed his mind in storms.
"Yeah, I did," he said, biting down his rising anger from the past. He could feel his stomach begin to churn at the connection he made but refuse to think about it until he had no choice but to face it. "What about her?"
"Do you know how she died?"
"She was sick," he said carefully. There was no emotion in either of their voices.
"Yes. She was very sick, Ichigo." He hesitated before asking her the question that hurt like burning ice his mind. He knew the answer somewhere inside of him but refused to hear it from himself. He needed her to say it.
"But what does that have to do with you?" Rukia knew that he knew. She could see her earlier fears now reciprocating on his face. It was too much. She could feel something warm tickle her face. Bringing her fingertips to her cheeks, she realized what it was and how easily she was defeated.
I wonder what I must look like to you, you fool.
"Rukia, please tell me," Ichigo begged, his voice straining with his strength surging through him. She could feel his reiatsu flare, creating a dance of flames all about the room, extinguishing her negative atmosphere. She couldn't look at him anymore, and laid down, closing her tired eyes.
"I don't know when it will happen," she began. "I learned about a week ago, thanks to your dad and Captain Unohana. At first I didn't think it would be so bad. I was never afraid to die, you know that. But today I had an episode in the bathroom at the mall, and that's what took us so long, your sisters and I, I mean."
"Rukia, please."
"I couldn't stop coughing. My throat felt terrible afterwards, and I could tell that your sisters were beginning to suspect something. So I tried to act excited for them, but I don't think I fooled them."
"Rukia, stop."
"And that was the biggest reason behind why I was scared today. When you were teasing me about drowning, it made me think of earlier today in the bathroom, when I could hardly breathe or control myself. I was scared that that would happen while I was in the water and I wouldn't live for as long as I am supposed to."
"Please, Ruki-!"
"And then that wave that went over my head… I got a taste of saltwater in my throat, which hurt, and I panicked; I thought I was having another episode then, and that it was happening even faster than I thought it would, and that I wouldn't have as much time as I thought I would have to-"
"Rukia, shut up!" And she did, this time. There was a small wet pool at the base of her neck. Ichigo collapsed on the bed, leaning over and digging his fingers through his hair. "I can't watch you… I can't listen to that. I just… just please shut up, I can't, Rukia, I can't-"
"Ichigo," Rukia interrupted, sitting up suddenly, forgetting about everything that she had ever wanted to hide from everyone. She placed one hand, one small, fragile, pale hand on his muscled back and took a sharp breath before asking the question that she somehow already knew the answer to. "Do you love me?"
Ichigo was taken aback. He was confused, overwhelmed even. He looked up at her, unsure of what to say or do when he saw that look again, the untitled expression that, with her uncharacteristic tears, suddenly had a name. Rukia was grieving. And he was sure he had the same look on his own face.
He just looked at her. Rukia studied his face while he stared, looking for something hidden that he didn't know about, or didn't know that he knew about. He seemed horrified, and was. This wasn't the Rukia he had known for so long, this crying, fragile creature sitting before him. The Rukia he knew was a strong woman who could beat the doubt out of him when he needed it, not the weak and broken girl who was making him doubt reality and scaring him in a way that he never knew he could be scared.
She saw something in him that satisfied her, and she smiled weakly.
"I'll bet you're wondering that about yourself, too, aren't you, you fool?" she said. Ichigo didn't say anything or move a muscle. It was like he was frozen. Rukia closed her eyes again and laid back down, arms spread out at her sides.
"There are a lot of things I wanted to do before I died," she said lightly, her voice breaking at the end and unable to hide the sorrow in her voice anymore. "You just witnessed one of them. Lately I've been wondering how long I have to do them."
"Well stop thinking about that and just do them," Ichigo snapped. "Stop crying and just move on. It's nothing you can fix so just accept it and live while you still can. You're not weak or unable to walk. Sure, it might feel like you the weight of it made you fall to your knees and it feels really hard to stand back up, but goddamnit, midget, how many times have you told me to just accept my weight and stand up? If you need my help, then I'll help you, okay? You're still you, and you've still got two good feet to walk on, so just stop this and forget that you're dying, okay? You don't even know when it will happen, but that's probably the best part. Just forget about it and be happy while you still can, okay?"
"Ichigo…"
"You don't see me crying about this, do you? And we both know you're stronger than I am. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, and spiritually, you are. You're stronger than all of us, everyone in my family. It's like… it's like you've filled in that empty spot that my mother left behind, it's like that for all of us. We've lived through that once and made it, and we can do it again. And if we can do that, then we're strong. But you… you accepted dying when it was staring you in the face. What happened to that Rukia, the strong woman that I risked my life to save?"
"…That was before I was afraid to lose you, Ichigo," she said quietly, her voice inching closer towards hysteria, striking a cord somewhere in Ichigo's chest. "And that was also when I felt that I deserved to die. I was ready then, but I'm nowhere near ready now. I don't want to leave you, or your family, or your friends, Ichigo." She choked on a sob when she said his name.
"Rukia…"
"I'm not going to ignore it anymore, Ichigo, I don't have time for that!" Rukia was sobbing now, and shaking with an agony that pierced her like bullets. "I can't just die without accepting that I need you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I can't leave you without you knowing that!" Her face was so distorted in pain, her eyes were so deep a blue, her skin was so red and wet, her knuckles were so white from gripping her blanket, and she was so unbelievably different that Ichigo wanted to scream and rip his heart out.
"And I'm sorry I couldn't let things happen the way they were supposed to, and I'm sorry that I became another part of your family that you guys would have to lose, and I'm sorry that I had to ruin so much potential for you, and I'm sorry for hiding it from you for so long, and I'm especially, sorry, Ichigo, for not knowing any of this sooner, and I just wish that-"
Her broken cries were muffled by his shirt as he nearly leapt onto her bed and crouched in front of her, snatching her and pulling her against him. She gasped as he did so, surprised by his actions and unexpected movements. Her breathing halted for a moment, then began staggering. She trembled, unsure of what to say or do.
"Rukia," Ichigo said quietly. "It's okay. I promise." Rukia continued to breathe unevenly, anxiety flooding her even more so than before as she awaited his next words, wondering if they could possibly save her from this spiral of a downfall into despair.
"We can do all those things you wanted to do," he continued. "And we're going to forget about the fact that we have a deadline. We're not going to tell anybody. You're going to live the rest of your life happily with me, okay?"
"Okay," she sobbed.
"Can you promise me that?"
"I promise."
"Alright everyone, I hope you like it!" Rukia said with a smile as she carried the last plate of food over to the dining table where the entire Kurosaki family sat, anticipating the meal.
"It's smells delicious, Rukia," Yuzu chimed, smiling genuinely but still trying to hide her distaste for not having any part in making that night's dinner.
"My beautiful third daughter making her very first meal all on her own!" Isshin cried in joy.
"Can it, old man," Ichigo yelled, throwing him a punch to the face. "She doesn't need to be teased."
"It's quite alright," Rukia said, reassuring him as she began to serve the food. "I appreciate the praise."
"Well as long as you're not uncomfortable with it. Goat Face doesn't always know when he's crossing the line."
"I beg your pardon?!" Isshin snapped.
"Don't act all innocent!"
Karin and Yuzu's plates were full at this point, and Rukia had moved on to Isshin's and hers at the corner of the table.
"Wow, Rukia, this is really good," Karin commented, her mouth stuff with food, a carrot slice falling out with her speech. Rukia beamed, chuckling at the sight.
"Thank you," she said gratefully. When she finished with Ichigo's plate, she carried the food into the kitchen and then headed back to the table to sit down next to Ichigo. Everybody had already begun to eat and was giving her compliments on her cooking.
"Looks like I taught you well!" Yuzu said brightly. Rukia smiled in return.
"And I thank you very much for teaching me all that you did, Yuzu."
"It was no problem at all!"
"Alright, Ichigo, it's done," Rukia said, swiveling around in his chair to face the teen lying on his back on his bed. "And I absolutely refuse to draw another, so you better like this one." With a sigh, Ichigo sat up and rubbed his eyes, then stood up and stepped behind Rukia in the chair at his desk. She turned back to face the paper on the table, as Ichigo peered down at it from behind her.
And what he saw shocked him a little. To get a better look, he placed a hand on the desk and leaned forward, zooming in on the picture.
It was a pair of two of Rukia's rabbit characters, drawn in crayon. The bigger one of the two was colored in bright orange, the smaller one in deep purple. They were holding hands and smiling, and the background around them was an artfully tasteful scribble of light blue and green. But it wasn't just that simple.
Each of the characters were dressed in black kimono, though the orange one's differed in a familiar way from the purple's, and each were holding zanpakuto; the purple one had Sode no Shirayuki and the orange held Tensa Zangetsu, a chain wrapping up the arm, each of the swords drawn perfectly to scale, the hilts and hand guards and dimensions flawless. Even though it was poor quality and drawn in crayon, it took Ichigo's breath away.
Ruffling her hair with his hand as he did so, Ichigo stood up straight.
"This one is kind of decent," he said, turning around to head for the door. "Nice try, though, midget."
"You lying idiot!" And it was only a second before he felt the sharp hit of a sketchpad smacking him against the back of his head.
"Ichigo, you're going to get sunburned," Rukia said, her voice nearly drowned out by the sound of the truck door slamming shut. "And don't take so long to get ready next time."
Ichigo swallowed at her words. The note in his pocket seemed heavier all of a sudden. He forced himself to ignore it, and focused on starting the pickup and pulling out of the driveway, changing gears when they hit the road.
"Shut up, midget, I am not."
"I'm going to force this on you when we get there, berry," she threatened, shaking the bottle of sunscreen in her hand for emphasis.
"I'd like to see you try."
"I can still use my kido, you know."
"You seem to have forgotten that I can break through your kido with no problem."
"Suck it," she retorted.
"So you're the one that taught my sisters that," Ichigo responded, chuckling as he pushed down on the brake for a stoplight.
"You knew that, berry, you're just being absurd."
"Am I?"
"Yes."
"Who knew?"
"I did. And that's not all I know."
"Oh? What else is the midget hiding?"
"It's not hiding if it's mutually accepted as true, just like with the 'suck it' nonsense."
"Do tell." She was quiet for a moment, and turned her head to look out the window as Ichigo started pulling forward under the now-green light. She didn't speak until they had started driving by the Karakura Cemetery.
"It's nothing major," she reassured. "Just something I'm waiting for." Ichigo hesitated before speaking, already knowing what she was talking about as her eyes followed the bigger gravestones as they passed them.
"Death is a part of life, and the only thing that is certain," he said. "I'm going to die someday, too, and just like yours, we don't know when my death will happen."
"Fool," she snickered. Though his words were sweet, they weren't the ones she were hoping to hear. Ichigo gave a quick inspection on the road in front of them, then when he deemed it as safe to take his eyes off of it, he glared at her, reading her face and her words. She looked amused, her eyes were light. She wasn't upset about dying, like he at first suspected. And there was more to that; he was wrong. He didn't know what she was talking about. But he always knew, without exception.
"Am I wrong?" he said, glancing back at the road for a quick second before his eyes flashed back to her face, confused. He couldn't be. He knew her better than anyone did.
"Don't be too butthurt, now, virgin. The first time always hurts the most." She snickered at her own joke and continued to watch the things they passed as they drove. Ichigo was almost speechless, and he found himself starting to get angry, which only confused him more. Sure, when he was a child, he always had to be right, but he was never this prideful since before high school.
"Then tell me," he insisted.
"I'll wait for you to tell me," Rukia responded. And before he could retort, she spoke again, changing the subject. "When I do die, Ichigo, I want to be buried here, in Karakura Town, not Soul Society."
Ichigo nearly slammed the brakes. "Wait, what? What about Byakuya?"
"I want you to fight him if you have to. Let him know it was my dying wish. Well, one of them, anyway."
"I…okay, I guess I can do that," Ichigo promised, unsure if he was actually capable of facing Byakuya with the news of his sister's death and then telling him that she wants her soul stuck in a gigai for the rest of eternity. "But what about your other dying wishes?"
"That's what we're doing now," she said. "And up until the minute I die."
"So one of your dying wishes is jumping off a pier? That's a little pathetic, don't you think?"
"Shut up, berry! I saw some people doing it the last time we came to the beach, and I wanted to try it!"
"Calm down, I was only teasing." Rukia said nothing in response and instead continued to look out the window, only instead of the tombstones clouding her vision, it was the ocean, cast out in front of her, spreading far out from the sides of the bridge they were driving on.
Ichigo looked at her again, and it was the same as before, only now the grief in her eyes was gone, and instead replaced by a new feeling, but as before, he couldn't name it. But it didn't bother him so much this time.
"Yes, Rukia, it will probably be cold," Ichigo sighed, frustration clear in his voice.
"Then I don't want to do it," Rukia said stubbornly, glancing over the side of the pier, down at the crashing waves, and firmly deciding on her decision to stay right where she was.
"Come on, it's a dying wish of yours, isn't it?"
"Not anymore."
"Rukia, are you really going to let water stop you?"
"So what if I do?" she retorted, crossing her arms.
"It's not even as bad as you think. Once your head gets underwater it doesn't seem as cold anymore."
"No thanks."
"Give it a chance! I'll be right next to you the whole time. I've done this a thousand times before. I'll keep you safe!"
"Like I said, no thanks."
"I made a promise to you, Rukia, and I don't intend on breaking it. You're being ridiculous."
"I beg to differ, it's quite reasonable to not want to dive into cold water, especially when you're as petite and fragile as I am."
"Like I said, I'll keep you safe, and it's not as bad as you think."
"No, Ichigo. I'm heading back to the beach." And with that, she turned around, stepped away from the edge, and began walking towards the front of the pier walkway.
"You know what?" Ichigo said, a little loudly so she could hear him. She stopped to listen, turning to face him slightly, a stubborn hand planting itself on her hip. "I think you need a little push." Upon hearing his words, she sprinted forward suddenly, but she knew it would be no good. He already started running towards her, and it would be no problem for him with his abnormally long legs to catch up to her in under a few seconds. But, she also knew that he would never push her into the water, so she slowed down, surrendering.
She was correct in her assumption that Ichigo would not push her in. But what he did was much worse. But she figured it out too late when she was already out over the water, falling from such a great height and yelling at herself to plug her nose and squeeze her eyes shut. She couldn't help but feel like the falling speed was a bit too fast, and maybe it was Ichigo's added weight that was increasing the downfall so exponentially. Or, maybe it was just her fear of the cold making it seem so fast, so unwanted, and maybe her weight was swallowed up within his body, given that he was holding her so tightly to him.
"Hold your breath!" he yelled, somehow having time to say it before their feet cut through the surface effortlessly, their bodies splashing down, creating a ring of bubbles and a small tower of water, spraying outwards around their entrance. They were submerged so quickly that Rukia had no time to feel the cold surround them, and the heat of Ichigo's body certainly helped.
She held as still as she could, her eyelids screaming with the pressure of her forcing them shut so tightly, her fingers clamping for life on her nose, all the while letting Ichigo take the wheel in kicking his feet, sending them upwards to the surface. When they broke to air, she gasped, even though she was nowhere near out of breath.
"Dramatic, much?" Ichigo taunted, holding her tightly with one arm and forcing them forward, to the ladder on one of the posts, with the other.
"Shut up, berry, you hardly gave me any warning."
"Did you enjoy it?"
"Hardly."
"Enough to do it again?"
"Do I even have a choice?"
"I've always liked looking at the stars," Rukia said in a low voice, slouching down from her sitting position against the back of the truck and lying her head on her pillow in the bed. She pulled the blanket closer up to her chest, curling it within her delicate fingers. Ichigo, still sitting up beside her, his arms resting on his uplifted knees, looked up at the night sky to admire the twinkling jewels as she did.
"I never really paid much attention to them," he commented. "They were always just sort of there."
"Do you know any of the constellations?" she asked.
"I've heard of them, can't see them."
"Well we're under Ursa Major right now. It starts right up there."
"Ursa Major?"
"Also known as the Big Dipper."
"Ah."
"The stars make a bear, hence the Ursa portion."
"I thought it was a spoon, hence the dipper portion."
"It's both, but officially named for the bear."
"Whatever."
They were silent for a moment.
"But what about the Little Dipper?" Ichigo asked. "Aren't you supposed to be able to find the Little Dipper using the Big Dipper or something?"
"Yes, actually," Rukia praised. "You go to the very end of the dipper, in the spoon part, take the bottom star and make a line to the top star, then continue upwards in that line. Eventually you come to the star that starts the handle for Ursa Minor."
"Little Bear?"
"Precisely."
"How do you know all of this? You don't even have the same constellations where you're from."
"I was technically alive in the World of the Living, once, too, you know. Though that was a very long time ago." Turning her head away from the stars above, Rukia focused her violet orbs on the man in front of her, who still looked up at the sky. She could see the new wonder in his eyes, even if it was slight. He said he never paid much attention to the stars before, but she was able to get him to notice them now.
"Ichigo?" she said, speaking up and breaking the momentary silence. His amber eyes darted from the velvet above them and glanced at her, meeting her wondrous gaze. He didn't say anything, but he didn't need to.
"I just wanted to thank you," she said, feeling a small weight being lifted off of her heart. "I don't know how I could have survived this long without you."
"Don't bother," Ichigo said, sliding himself down to lay on his own pillow, then pulling his own blanket up slightly, laying his arms across it as they settled for the night on his stomach. "It was no big deal."
"But it was, Ichigo," she insisted. "These have been the best months of my life, even if they were only a few. I want you to know that I really appreciate all the effort you put into all of this for me, and I wish there was some way I could have made it up to you."
"Rukia, it's fine. Just go to sleep," he said as he rolled over onto his side, his back to the woman next to him.
"Ichigo, you're my best friend, as cheesy and uncharacteristic that sounds, especially from me. And it makes me wonder if I'm you're best friend, too."
"Rukia."
"It'll be okay when I'm gone, and I hope you know that. I don't want to see you moping around like you did for 17 months before."
"Rukia, just stop."
"Why? This is just stuff I feel like I need to say."
"Well what's the damn hurry? It sounds like you're saying goodbye, so just stop it. Go to sleep."
Rukia sighed with a slight smile on her face, then pushed herself up onto her elbows and leaned over, placing her lips gently onto his soft cheek for a brief second. Then, just as soon as she was up, she was lying on her side, her back to Ichigo, smiling with lidded eyes and chuckling under her breath.
You fool.
Ichigo awoke the next morning to the sun pushing its rays over the horizon. The sky was still slightly dark, turning a lighter blue that faded to the orange and red of a dawning day. He doubted Rukia had ever seen a sunrise. Smiling to himself as he sat up, he lifted a hand to shake the sleeping girl, placing it on her tiny waist.
"Rukia, I think you'd like this," he said, gently rocking her back and forth. She was still turned away from him, eyes closed, her violet gems tucked away with sleep. Ichigo glanced at the sun again, the vibrant colors slowly gaining momentum in brightness.
"Rukia, you're going to miss it," he said, shaking her slightly harder. She didn't even stir. That was when the panic started to churn in his stomach.
"Rukia," he said urgently, forcibly rolling her over onto her back, shaking her even more as he did so, her arms falling limply, her head lolling about with the movement. Her eyes didn't flutter, her mouth didn't squeeze shut for the slightest second right before she got angry, her fingers didn't even twitch.
Desperate, Ichigo licked his palm and shoved it under her nose, waiting for a quick chill, waiting and waiting. He waited until the sun came up, and rose a few inches. His hand eventually fell limp against her chin, as he lacked the energy to hold it up, still waiting for the chill of her breath to tickle his skin.
His sisters were eating their breakfast on the couch in front of the television when they returned home, his father at the table pouring over some paperwork and scarfing down his own breakfast before a day at the hopsital, dropping a piece of bacon on his lab coat in his hurry.
Ichigo entered through the doorway carrying a sleeping figure in his arms, crossing the room towards Rukia's bedroom door.
"Ichi-nii! Rukia!" "Did you guys enjoy your trip?"
"Rukia had a blast," Ichigo managed in a low tone, not once stopping to look at anybody, his head hanging slightly. "We're pretty worn out now."
"Are you guys hungry? There's some extras in the fridge for you."
"Maybe later," he said. He disappeared into her bedroom before anybody could say anything else. He laid her down on her bed, dropping her beach bag that was hanging from his arm beside the bedside table. He stroked her face for a moment, lifting the stubbornly stray bang from her face and tucking it behind her ear, kissing her forehead before exiting the room, closing the door behind him, and heading for the table where his father sat.
"Dad," he said, grabbing his father's attention. "Rukia said she wants to speak with you."
Quickly swallowing the bite of toast he was chewing, he dropped his pen and shoved his chair back, standing up. "Alright," he said, catching the look on Ichigo's face before his son turned around and headed for the stairs.
"I'm going to go catch up on rest," Ichigo said, climbing the stairs two at a time, upstairs before anybody could stop him.
Isshin pushed in his chair, grabbed his breakfast plate and headed into the kitchen to drop it into the sink, then fixed his tie beneath the white coat as he crossed the family room to where Rukia slept. Expecting to see her sitting up and waiting for him, he put the pieces together when he saw her lying down, remembering her condition, and closed the door behind him.
The twins sat on the couch together, thinking the same thoughts together, remembering Ichigo's look when he first walked in carrying Rukia to her room. Both had stopped eating their breakfast. Yuzu reached out to grab Karin's hand when she realized how long her father had been in Rukia's room, and when she realized she wasn't hearing any speaking going on.
Karin looked at her sister when they both heard the sound of several loud bangs coming from upstairs in what they guessed was Ichigo's room. Their eyes suddenly shot to the door as Isshin opened it and stepped out, closing it behind him. They met his sad eyes with their own sad eyes as they spoke with their unspoken emotions, listening to the sounds of their suffering brother and son upstairs, grieving, alone.
Upstairs, Ichigo threw off his jacket, throwing it to the floor angrily. The note that had been in his pocket, the one he hurriedly scrawled his thoughts onto before rushing out the door to meet Rukia, who sat waiting in the truck, the one that said everything he had wanted to say to her before this event, fell out onto the floor, the pen he used to write the note on falling out as well, rolling across the floor. It taunted him.
Now she'll never know.
He threw his hands into his mane, grabbing and pulling at the roots.
She'll never know.
He kicked the bedroom door, then grabbed his shoes, pulling them off one at a time and throwing them across the room at his wall, finding satisfaction in the sound of them bouncing to the floor. He grabbed them again and chucked them as hard as he could at the closet, then ran at the wall with his fists and pounded on it.
She'll never know how you felt.
He pounded, and pounded, and pounded some more.
You failed. You're a fool.
And just as suddenly as he started his rampage, he stopped. His fists were frozen, glued to the wall. Then he slowly sank to his knees, his clenched fists dropped to the floor, and his head fell against the wall. He was still for a long time.
But still, even though he began to hear himself shouting, even though he was shaking and trembling, he still hadn't shed a single tear, not once, not even when she told him she was dying.
He hadn't cried yet, and he was determined to keep it that way.
Not even long after her funeral, not even when they lowered her body into the ground beneath a willow tree, not even when her brother spoke to him alone after all was said and done, not even when he supported the emotionally distraught captain, not even when he held his excessively tearful sisters, did Ichigo cry.
Months had passed since Rukia's untimely death. It had been weeks since his sisters stopped crying, and days since the family could finally bring themselves to convert her old bedroom to a guest room. Many things had changed about the family, such as the twins gaining inches to their height, Yuzu trying out for the school soccer team with her sister, and Isshin taking night shifts to spend more time during the day with his family and in his clinic, but even with those changes, some things hadn't.
Like Ichigo. His cool kid, tough guy, I-don't-give-a-fuck, smirky attitude was as intense and as obvious as ever. He never smiled at school, he came home late for dinner, and spent most of his time in his room. It was like he was back to his old self before Rukia ever came into the picture.
And not only did his family realize it, helplessly watching him from the sidelines, but he did, too. Most nights when he lay on his bed, on his stomach, carelessly drooping his arm over the edge of the mattress, he half-expected to see a shinigami walking through the wall and onto his desk, like the dark-haired midget did so years ago.
He spent a lot of time with his eyes on his desk, but it wasn't so much his desk in particular. Rather, it was what was on the desk, folded and hiding the words of truth inside. They hadn't been read since the day he wrote them.
A few days after he had had his fit and threw his jacket, causing the note and pen to fall out, he had stalked over to the paper in question, picked it up, turned it over as he inspected it, and tossed it onto his desk, then he proceeded to lie on his bed and stare at it, the same way he was doing now.
He nearly forgot what he had written. Not to say he forgot the topic he was writing about or the notion he was attempting to convey, but the words he had chosen slipped his mind. But he didn't dare look inside. Instead, the memory of writing the damn thing played over and over in his mind, and he occasionally glanced at the pen he used, too, which still sat on the floor, leaning against the trim, just underneath the closet door, untouched since it fell out of his pocket.
"Ichigo, hurry up!" Rukia's voice called from the bottom of the staircase. "I'll be waiting in the truck for your slow ass!"
"I've had to wait on you, before, midget, or did you conveniently forget?" he called back, his hands shaking as they scribbled on the piece of notebook paper in front of him, crushed to the desk by his heavy hand. There was no response from downstairs, and instead was replaced by the sound of the front door closing.
His mind was now able to focus on the task at hand, despite his not wanting to even be doing this.
His thoughts raced as he struggled for words. He paused many times after writing a few words, then wrote a few more and paused again. Somehow, he made it to the end, signed his name, quickly folded the paper and, not having time to cap his pen and simply leaving the cap placed on the butt, stuck it over the note to hold it in place as he rushed downstairs, shoving the burden in his jacket pocket. He vaguely wondered why he wrote it and when he was planning on giving it to her, if ever. But he also hoped that, if he did, he wouldn't be too late.
As he recalled the memory, he couldn't help but notice that something seemed slightly off about that picture in his mind. His eyes, once again, flashed to the pen on the floor. He studied it. White body, black cap, nothing special. But why did it bother him?
And then suddenly, it clicked. The pen was capped, but he never capped it.
In a flash he was sitting up on his bed and the note was in his hands, nearly torn open as he unfolded it. His amber eyes flashed about the paper, reading what he wrote and searching for the clues he was so desperately looking for.
And then, when he finished reading the entire thing, he reread it all over again, with a sigh, but found it hard with the random droplet stains that he could have sworn were not there a second ago.
Dear Rukia,
I'm not very good at writing. Period. So I don't really know how to say any of this without looking and/or sounding like an idiot. But then again, knowing you, you would probably say that I don't need to be writing to look like an idiot.
Onto the hard part. Rukia, I… I can't seem to find the words I need to tell you anything. I'm very upset that you're dying and I didn't understand why before. Well I thought I did, but recently I realized the actual reason why. Before I thought it was just because you were a close friend and all of our friends and family would be upset, and then there would be a lot of crying… and you know me. I'm don't like seeing people cry and very seldom do I know how to make them shut up.
But I had a dream last night. Even though I am hesitantly telling you this, I owe it to you. My dream was about you. And me. And it was about the night that you told me you were dying. Well it started there, and then it went on up until you kissed me and then asked me if I loved you. Even though I didn't give you an answer then, I gave you an answer this time, and I said yes. And then I kissed you again, and again, and then we just laid there on your bed, talking. And when I woke up, I realized how much I love spending time with you and how I'd much rather be with you than with anyone else. I also realized that what I said in my dream was completely and one hundred percent true.
I do love you, Rukia. And I don't know how long I have or if I knew it before but always denied it. Either way, I need you to know before you die. I need you to know that I do love you, and that you won't die alone. No matter where you are in the world, I'll be there, and no matter what you need or want, I'll go out of my way to get it. That's just the kind of guy I am.
But, like I said, you know me. Probably even better than I know myself. So you probably knew all of this already, anyway.
-Ichigo
And just beneath where Ichigo signed off his name, there was a feminine scrawl etched into the paper.
Fool, took you long enough
fin
Personally, this story was hard for me to write. It took WAY longer than intended, and though I had the idea in my head I didn't quite know how to put it on paper (so to speak). I hope it turned out alright, especially because I was too lazy to actually revise and polish it. But please, give me your thoughts and criticism. They are greatly appreciated. =)
.elric-logic