The Price of Silence

by LupinWolf99

The horrifying sound of the gunshot will be burned into the deepest corners of my memory, haunting me until the moment of my own death. I remember everything from that moment, like an artist's rendering etched into a shattered pane of glass. ExJ

fSLASH BACKSLASH ONE-SHOT CONTEST

Story Name: The Price of Silence
Pen name: LupinWolf99
Pairing: Edward/Jasper

Disclaimer: My characters have commonality with Twilight in name only, but thank you Stephenie Meyer for the continued use of them. This story is graphic and intended for adults over the age of 18.

To see fother entries in the "SLASH BACKSLASH" contest, please visit the C2:

http:/www . fanfiction . net/c2/68069/3/0/1/

Edward Cullen

The horrifying sound of the gunshot will be burned into the deepest corners of my memory, haunting me until the moment of my own death.

I remember everything from that moment, like an artist's rendering etched into a shattered pane of glass. There is the sight of the porcelain figures, which she had collected since childhood, raining down like hail and exploding on the hardwood floor. There is the sound of her shocked and wounded whimper when she finally drew breath, her mind catching up to what she saw. There is the smell of gunpowder which hung in the air, and the blood, always the blood.

The pain in her face was almost too much for me to bear because whatever else she was to me, Bella had always been my best friend.

Six months before

I don't really know how it started. Bella and I had been finishing up our senior year at UCLA when she started talking about plans for our future. It was subtle at first, assuming we would go together to see her parents for Christmas, or attending my brother Emmett's wedding in the fall. Small things that told me, in her mind at least, we were still going to be living together after graduation. The changes in our relationship had been so gradual, so natural, that I didn't immediately realize how deeply invested she'd become until it was far too late. I should have realized it when she started making dinner for me every night, or when my clothes were already folded in my drawers when I went to do laundry, or maybe when we became "Edward and I". Telling myself that she just had a light semester, and had more time than I did, was far easier than facing the fact that I had taken advantage of her. The sex, which had started as something to fill both of our needs, was fun and convenient. We felt safe experimenting with each other, and I didn't have time to date.

The day that I walked into the campus tutoring center for a little help in my calculus class would change the course of my whole life. I noticed his eyes first. Deep, bright, clear, and a mixture of grey and blue much like the sky after a summer rain. It was his shy smile that caused my breath to catch in my throat. Of course, I had known since those first few awkward gym showers my freshman year of high school that I was attracted to other guys. At first, I didn't really understand because it didn't hinder the attraction that I felt for girls. It took me a while to realize that I as attracted to people because of who they were, their gender was secondary.

I kept that part of myself hidden, even from Bella, because I was too terrified to explore it. It's not that I thought my parents would hate me if they knew, but I just didn't want to disappoint them. Of course, Emmett would give them grandchildren; he was the very definition of an all-American golden boy. My big, muscular, dimpled football playing brother was everything they could want in a son. I had inherited my mother's gift and love of music. However, so while she loved us both equally, she and I shared a very special bond. As she started looking forward to retirement, my mother talked often of teaching her beautifully copper haired, musically inclined grandchildren to play piano just as she had taught me.

That's why it was just easier to pretend with Bella, to let everyone assume that we were together. Everyone loved her, including me. If I just pretended, I would never have to acknowledge that other side of myself because she was closer to me than anyone, knew me better than anyone.

Until Jasper.

"Hey there," he said in a soft drawl that sounded like warm, pure honey. "How can I help you?" My very first thought, once my brain reengaged, was that he could help me best by letting me drop to my knees behind that counter and take his cock into my mouth.

"I….well…. I'm a music major, but I was required to take a few core courses," I babbled, trying desperately to get to the point, but apparently unable to. "I put off calculus until my senior year because I'm terrible at math. Bella tells me I have some kind of mental block. She's an English major and no better than I am at math, so she doesn't have any room to talk." He grinned and I could tell he was trying not to laugh. Finally, feeling my face burning, I looked away from the dimple that had formed next to his sweet looking lips. Rubbing my temple, I mumbled "I need help with Math 203."

"I have a free hour now if you have time?" he asked gently. Looking up again, right into the turbulent storm of his deep eyes, I nodded.

"I'm Jasper," he said as he motioned me around the counter into the large room behind him. I'd never been in the tutoring center before. With music, you either got it or you didn't, you either had talent or you didn't. The center seemed to be rather popular because there were pairs and small groups of students scattered at tables and carrels throughout the open space.

"I'm Edward," I volunteered as he led me into one of the alcoves in the back of the room. Taking a seat directly across from him at the small table, I sat with my hands, sweaty and tense, on my knees. He watched me for a moment.

"Edward," he began quietly and I looked up from the carefully random pattern in the table top. "Needing a little help isn't something to be embarrassed about; we can't be perfect at everything."

I couldn't find the words to tell him that I didn't have a problem with tutoring, that I doubted I'd be able to concentrate on math when all I wanted was to fist the back of his shaggy blond hair as I kissed him more deeply than I'd ever kissed anyone.

Instead, I just nodded dumbly.

"Why don't you show me where you're having problems?" he suggested innocently. I couldn't even stop the nervous laughter as I imagined grabbing his hand and shoving it down the front of my jeans in order to show him exactly where I was having problems. As our eyes met, he smirked.

"In math," he qualified as my face flushed and I tried to hide my furious blush by reaching for my books and notes that were in the backpack on the seat next to me.

For the next hour, we talked of nothing but derivatives, each look from him making my heart race. I had to glance away when he took several long drinks from a bottle of water. His lips around the top, his closed eyes, even the way his throat muscles moved as he swallowed caused me to get painfully hard.

When there were just fifteen minutes left in our session, I had at least a rudimentary understanding of what we had covered in class this week. A tiny girl, in a rather outrageously pink shirt and artfully ripped jeans, stopped by our table. Feigning boredom, she played with her almost brutally short black hair and watched Jasper with a smirk.

"Hey Jaz, aren't you supposed to be in psych?" she asked in a tone that she didn't even pretend to make innocent.

"Why yes, Alice," he greeted with that heart stopping grin. "Thank you for reminding me." Then he caught my eye and his smile got even bigger as he asked her, "but look at him, Ali, can you really blame me?" She laughed at the startled expression on my flaming face.

"Nope, big brother, I can't blame you at all," she responded with a tiny, girlish giggle and a wink in my direction. She led her own student, a mousy-haired boy with a bad case of acne and a slight limp, to a nearby table.

"You skipped a class just to help me?" I asked him quietly and he nodded sheepishly. As he watched me, his eyes just visible behind his long bangs, I blurted out the first thing that came into my mind before I could stop myself.

"Jasper, would you like to have coffee with me sometime?"

He sat back with an amused look, one that reflected my own barely contained excitement. Sexual tension hung heavy in the air as he laid his hand over mine.

"I think I would like that very much."

Jasper and I spent the next several weeks together. I let Bella assume that I was working on my senior composition project and guilt stabbed at me when she praised me on how hard I was working. She and I had no formal commitment, but I'd never discouraged the implied agreement either. Something I had finally admitted to Jasper after we'd been seeing each other for about six weeks. He had grown a little concerned after I'd put off letting him meet Bella yet again. Jasper had finally asked me straight out if Bella was my girlfriend in addition to my best friend and roommate. By then, I had already realized that I was in love with Jasper in a way that I had never felt about anyone, including Bella. I broke down and confessed to him about everything – that I hadn't come out, Bella's feelings, my fear of the future, everything. We were sitting on the floor of his dorm room after having stopped in so he could change his shirt. I put my head in my hands and he knelt, shirtless in front of me, pulling my hands down. He stroked my cheek gently with his thumb, tipping my chin up so that I looked right at him.

"You need to talk to her Edward. It isn't fair to her to let her think you two are going to end up married with two-point-five kids and that white picket fence," he told me as he traced the lines of my palm with his finger.

"I know, Jaz, I do. I just don't want to hurt her," I told him lamely. It was an excuse because hurting her was inevitable. I was just a fucking coward.

"I don't want to hide our relationship anymore. I love you, Edward, and I want the world to know," he said, his eyes boring into mine. After a moment of shock where we were both completely still, I captured his face between my hands and kissed him hard over and over.

"I love you too, Jasper. I've known that in my heart for a while. I just didn't know how to tell you." My lips pressed fervently against his again and I felt him smile.

"We need to work on your communication skills," he murmured softly as his lips traveled along my jaw. My breathing accelerated wildly as he began to pull my shirt up over my stomach, letting his fingers linger on my skin. Jasper and I hadn't made love yet. We'd made out countless times, once grinding against each other in the back seat of his car until I came in my jeans. In fact, I'd never had intercourse with a man before…ever. I knew that with our emotional declarations that we were about to cross that line, and I couldn't have been more excited.

"What about your roommate?" I asked breathlessly as he pulled my shirt all the way off, looking down my naked chest before catching my lips in a lingering kiss. Getting quickly to his feet, he hurried to the closet. I had no idea what he was doing until he pulled out a necktie complete with a dangling price tag.

"God knows he's done it to me enough times," he mumbled as he tied the fabric onto the door knob on the other side of the door and then closed it. I heard the lock click, and my heart jackhammered in my chest. Taking my hand, he led me to his bed.

Laying me back on the pillows of his perfectly made bed, he came down on top of me and my legs fell naturally open on either side of his slim hips. Bracing himself on his forearms, which he had slid underneath my shoulders, he resumed his exploration of my neck. Turning my head, I fisted my fingers in the back of his long, silky, hair. He moaned loudly and I felt it vibrate against my skin as he pressed his hips forward grounding into mine.

"Jasper," I gasped and pulled my knees up, planting my feet for leverage so that I could push up into him. The whimper that escaped him, so incredibly close to my ear, was punctuated by his hand sliding down my back to grab my ass tightly.

"Edward," he whispered, "I want to make love to you." My arms tightened around him, almost afraid to let go.

"I've never…" I started and he lifted his head to look into my face. "…but I want to." Taking his hand off my ass, he brought it up to stroke my cheek.

"I won't hurt you," he promised in a low tender voice. "I won't ever hurt you." I nodded and pulled him down into a fiery kiss. At least that's what it felt like to me. I was on fire…everywhere. It had never been like that with anyone else. Everything belonged to Jasper – my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul. Moving down my chest, he left sweet, open-mouthed kisses that left my skin damp and tingling. My back arched as he pulled one of my nipples into his mouth.

"Oh…God…" burst from me in a breathless moan, and I used my grip on his hair to pull him closer, my other hand slipping over his smooth shoulder as my fingers finally found purchase. One of my legs wrapped around his waist as my hips bucked up into his. He reached down and unbuttoned my jeans, each successive button sounded loud in the quiet of the room as he pulled hard. When his hand slid down into the front of my newly opened jeans, rubbing me through my briefs, I cried out.

He abandoned my other nipple which he had been licking to sigh quietly in my ear, "You sound so sexy when I touch you."

"Take your jeans off," I begged and lifted up to pull my own jeans off as he got up off of the bed. Breathlessly, I watched as he stood to the side and opened his jeans to reveal navy blue boxers. He pushed his jeans down over his hips, and I saw a brief flash of skin as his boxers were tugged down slightly, revealing the curve of his hip bone. I licked my lips as he pulled his pants over his legs and stepped out of them.

"God, you're beautiful," I told him as he lay back down over me, closing his mouth over mine, slanting, probing, almost pleading. His hips began to roll against mine, in his boxers his hard cock rubbed along my length. Unable to stop myself, I reached down and grabbed his ass with both hands, pushing his hips harder against me. I was rewarded with his groan into my mouth which only fueled my incredible need for him.

I began to match his rhythm, pushing up into him, grinding, begging with my hips while my mouth searched his, my tongue plunging and pillaging its depths. Nothing in the history of the modern age could have felt as good as his nearly naked body moving against mine. The smell of him was all around me as we lay in his bed, a heady combination of sweetness, soap, sweat, and sex. Inhaling deeply, I tried to memorize every detail of this perfect moment where I was his and nothing else mattered.

I pushed his boxers down, revealing the soft, pale skin of his ass, rubbing and exploring it with my fingers.

"Edward," he whimpered and reached back to pull his boxers down further. Using his legs to get them all the way off, he stopped for a long moment to look into my face. I took his thick cock in my hand and stroked it slowly. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against mine, panting against my cheek.

"I love it when you touch me," he gasped, his arms shaking as he held himself up above me. Then, he kissed me slowly, letting me feel his love in every meeting of our lips. "Are you sure?" he whispered, watching my face carefully.

"Yes," I whispered back, emphasizing my intent with a slow nod. My hands shook a little, a combination of my arousal and nerves, as they rested on his chest.

"I'm going to help you relax, okay?" he asked, and I nodded again, my nerves getting the better of me for a moment as he sat up next to me, pushing my briefs down. Springing free, my cock was so hard that it ached and the wet spot on my briefs only served to underscore my readiness. My head swam with the reminder that we were naked and alone in his bed.

Jasper pushed my legs gently apart and crawled up to kneel between them, his beautiful blue eyes, full of love, never leaving mine. Leaning down, he licked the underside of my cock from my balls to the head, causing me to push my head back into the pillows as I groaned deeply. Taking the head into his mouth, he licked around each ridge, each line, while I tried desperately to remember how to breathe. Using his thumbs to stroke my hip, he opened his mouth wider and pulled me in. It was warm and soft, and when I felt him begin to suck, I couldn't help but drive my fingers into his hair and hold on for dear life.

He moaned around me as I tugged on his hair, fighting the urge to thrust deeper into his throat. I could hear my own ragged panting, almost matching the rhythm of his bobbing head as he fucked his mouth with my cock. Nearly incoherent, I begged him to take me, but he continued to suck me until I could feel that tingling begin deep in my groin.

"No, please… I don't want to… not until you're inside me," I stammered and tried to pull out of his sweet mouth. Almost reluctantly, it seemed, he released me but he didn't stop. Jasper's mouth traveled lower and he pulled my legs up and held them there. I was nearly crying with need when he sucked one side of my tender sac before lathering his attentions to the other. I felt his nose, or maybe his tongue, touching the back of my balls, drifting across the sensitive skin just before he spread me open, running his tongue over my tight, virgin ring.

"Oh, sweet Jesus!" I cried as he continued to massage my most intimate spot with his tongue. He never penetrated, only stimulated, but it didn't matter. I just whimpered and begged as he held my knees up, almost pressing them to my chest. When I reached down desperately and began to stroke myself, he stilled my hand and reached over to pull out the top drawer of his bedside table. Taking my hand, he drizzled a little lube into it before I resumed stroking myself. I watched as he ripped open the condom package and rolled it over his long, thick cock. I sucked in a sharp breath as I felt his slick fingers begin to probe me.

"Are you okay?" he whispered, stopping with his fingers deep inside of me.

"Yeah," I assured him as I fisted the sheets at my sides.

"God, you so hot, so tight. I'm going to come as soon as I get inside you," he moaned, and I felt my muscles spasm around his fingers.

I couldn't keep my hips still or my cries silent as he penetrated and stretched me with his fingers. The burn made me gasp as he added what felt like a third finger inside of me, but stroking myself helped take my mind off of the pain of the invasion. Finally, when I didn't think I could stretch anymore, he pulled back and added lube to his condom-sheathed cock.

He pulled my knees up over his forearms, and I felt him nudge against my hole, still gaping from the loss of his fingers. Pushing against me, he whispered, "Push out as I push in, and breathe, it will make things easier."

I didn't want to think about how he knew that, or how many guys he'd done this very same thing with, so I followed his instructions, panting hoarsely. Pushing as he slid into me, I whimpered against the burning pain, feeling him filling me. Closing my eyes tightly, I fisted the pillow above my head.

Jasper stopped moving and trembled above me. He was giving my body time to adjust, and the effort that it cost him was obvious. When the searing burn began to subside into a dull ache, I used my heels to push on his ass, letting him know that it was okay to move. Still trembling slightly, he pulled back and pushed in again. The pain flared but not as sharply as before. I stroked myself again, coaxing my erection back as he rocked his hips into me.

"I love you so much," he whispered against my parted lips as he began to move faster. Slowly, as my muscles relaxed and the nerve endings all over my body came alive, the pain gave way to mind-bending pleasure. I felt everything so sharply, more clearly than I had ever felt, like sweat trickling down my neck or the scratch comforter under me, and Jasper…everywhere. In that moment, Jasper was everything, my whole world, and nothing else existed.

"Yeah, baby….harder," I murmured against his skin, pleading into his ear. Unsure where the request had come from, I found that I really did mean it as he complied. Repositioning my legs a little higher on his arms, his cock rubbed and sawed over my prostate with every second or third hard thrust. Pushing my hand away, he slowly stroked me, and the pleasure was overwhelming. With a strangles shout, I grabbed the slats of the headboard over my head and held on tight. Effortlessly, it seemed, he coordinated his rocking hips with his hand as he jacked my cock. These simultaneous sensations were causing my orgasm to hurtle down my body at blinding speeds. There was no way I was going to be able to stop it.

"I'm going come, jasper… I'm going to…" I babbled as he moved faster, harder.

"So fucking tight…I'm right there, baby. Let go," he murmured tenderly into my neck. That was all it took. The need, the erotic tenor of his voice, caused my whole body to tighten as my cock erupted into his hand and on my abdomen.

"Oh God, that's it baby, that's it, angel… I love you," he moaned as he drove into me and stopped. Beyond the fire, beyond the soreness, I felt him spasm inside me, and I knew that he was filling the condom inside me. I kissed every bit of his warm, sweet skin that I could reach. His hair was drenched with sweat when he leaned on my shoulder, panting and trying to catch his breath.

"Oh my God," he groaned as he moved his arms, one at a time, letting my legs down. Immediately I wrapped them around his waist, not wanting to break that connection between us, not yet.

"I love you, Jasper," I whispered, slightly awed by how close to him I felt. Then with a quiet chuckle and shaky sigh, I added, "That was amazing." Wrapping my arms around him and holding him against my chest, I decided that I wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment with him forever.

Jasper and I talked for the next week about ways to tell Bella about us, but none of the alternatives we came up with would avoid Bella's heartbreak.

"Edward, you can't wait until the night before your wedding," Jasper chided during one of our weekly tutoring sessions. His warm gaze was fixed on me, and by the way he kept drumming his fingers on the table top, I could tell that he wanted to take my hand. It was unfair to him, just as unfair as it was to Bella. Honestly, I didn't think I deserved either of them.

"Jaz, Bella and I are not engaged," I told him, looking away.

"Yet," he replied and I turned to see one eyebrow raised. That thought, more than any other, drove the point home. I would never propose to Bella, especially not with Jasper in my life, but that wouldn't stop her from asking me. Then, what would I do?

"Okay," I told him. "I promise I will tell her before we go home for break."

He seemed to be mollified with that answer and rubbed his bottom lip with his finger. It was our silent way to saying 'I love you' when there were other people around. It started out as an accident, but I found myself using the gesture more and more lately. We were still being careful because I didn't want Bella to hear about Jasper from anyone but me. After all of the years we'd been together, I owed it to her to be honest. I had also decided to tell my parents over the upcoming holiday break. Once we came back for the final spring semester, Jasper and I would never have to hide again.

When I came home that night earlier than I had been getting in for months, Bella was on the couch watching a movie. It was the perfect opportunity.

"Hi, baby," she said, her whole face lighting up. "I'm surprised to see you home so early." Her smile was warm and genuine as she patted the spot next to her on the couch. Kicking off my shoes, I flopped onto the couch, leaning back and closing my eyes, trying to find the courage to break her heart. She started to stroke my hair, and while it felt nice, it wasn't her hands I wanted to feel, and I needed to tell her that. Though it shouldn't have, it came as a complete surprise to me when she straddled my lap and began to kiss my neck.

"I've missed you so much," she crooned into my skin. I was so taken off guard that I didn't even think to stop her until she tried to take off my shirt. Then, all I could see was the wounded expression on Jasper's face if he saw what I was doing.

"Bella," I said quietly, and the resignation in my voice stopped her completely as I grabbed her hands.

"I just thought…we haven't…in so long…" she whispered and the rejection in her voice drained me of every bit of the bravado that I'd gained.

"I…I have a stomachache," I invented wildly. Bella looked at me for a moment, and I got the feeling she was trying to decide if I was being truthful. The cold sweat on my forehead and my pale face must have convinced her. She climbed off of my lap and went into the kitchen. The relief that I felt was almost tangible, but I could have kicked myself for the missed opportunity as I listened to her puttering around the kitchen. I just hadn't expected her to climb on top of me like that, but once I'd rejected her, I just couldn't stand to see that look on her face. I stood up, and was about to go to my room to call Jasper when Bella came back with a mug.

"Here, baby, it's chamomile, it will help to soothe your stomach," Bella said sweetly and handed me the mug. Gently, she rubbed my arm, and I really did start to feel sick. I was lying to my best friend, and the betrayal when I finally told her about Jasper and I would devastate her. Worst of all, there she was making me tea to sooth my imaginary stomachache. There was no way I would ever be able to forgive myself, and I wouldn't blame her if she never forgave me either.

I thanked her, putting the tea on the coffee table and pulling her into a tight hug – more for my own selfish comfort than anything.

"You really are too good to me," I told her, kissing her on the top of the head. Her long, brown hair, which had been pulled up into a loose bun, smelled like strawberries. She's been using that same scented shampoo for as long as I could remember. It had been at least since junior high where we had met in Mrs. Compton's math class; both of us had been painfully bad at math. Tears sprang up in my eyes as I held her, wondering if she would never speak to me again once I told her about Jasper. I loved her so much, just not in the way that she wanted – not in the way that I loved him.

"Feel up to watching a movie?" she asked, and her voice was so small, so fragile, that I couldn't ignore the hope infused into it. Not knowing how many more opportunities I would have to watch movies with her, I agreed. She smiled and restarted the movie that she had been watching. It was some romantic comedy that I would easily tune out. Sitting at the end of the couch, I opened my arms to her and she cuddled into my side, being careful of my imagined stomachache. For the next ninety minutes, I held her, pretending that everything was fine, running my fingers through her hair that she had released from the rubber band. I kissed her forehead, stroked her cheek, trying to show her without words how fucking special she was to me, and how much I needed her friendship.

After the movie was over, I went into my bedroom and lay back, staring at the ceiling, the sleep I so desperately wanted eluding me.

"Bella, are you busy Thursday night?" I asked her the next morning over breakfast. She took another hurried bite of cereal before answering.

"I'm working a double shift at the store," she said, taking a big drink of her coffee, "why?"

"I was just curious," I said with a shrug. "I thought maybe I'd cook dinner for a change, and we could talk. We haven't had much of a chance lately."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I have to work, but maybe this weekend?" she asked, throwing her dishes in the sink. Then she stopped, leaning down and kissing me tenderly, and I just didn't have the heart to stop her. "I have to get to class, I'll see you later," she murmured in my ear before grabbing her bag from where it sat on the chair next to me. I watched as she waved and walked out of the apartment.

"Hey, Jaz, are you busy Thursday night?" I asked as Jasper packed up his stuff to head to psych after our tutoring session. He stopped to look at me, and the smile that he gave me nearly made me lose track of the conversation.

"No, why?" he asked, pushing his calculator into one of the pockets with long, talented fingers.

"I asked Bella what she was doing so that we could talk, but she has to work until ten. I thought maybe you'd like to see our place." Jasper and I had been together for nearly six months, and he'd never even been to our apartment building. Now that I was going to come clean with Bella, and with my family, I wanted to share that with him. I wanted to share everything with him.

"Sure, baby, I'd love to see it," he whispered, rubbing his lips vigorously in our secret sign, a sign that he wouldn't have to use much longer.

"Great, I'll pick you up here at five, and then I'll make you dinner," I promised with a grin.

"That sounds wonderful."

"Oh, God, Jasper… yeah… baby… right there…harder," I cried as Jasper slammed into me from behind. Dinner was long forgotten as I held on to the far edge of the sturdy oak coffee table in our living room, the wood unforgiving on my knees as I knelt on top of it with Jasper behind me. My legs were spread wide, the edge of the table digging into my shins as I rocked back to meet his hard thrusts. We'd made love a few times since that first afternoon in his dorm, and I was getting used to the feeling of him inside of me. Besides, it was just fucking hot to have him taking me on all fours with sheer brute force, claiming me as his own.

I was so wrapped up in him, in his harsh grunts and the sweet feeling of him stretching me that I never heard the apartment door open in front of me.

All I heard was the desperately wounded whimper, a sound so devastating that it couldn't even be called a cry. There was no mistaking what she was seeing. I was naked on the table my parents had given us being enthusiastically being fucked by a man. There was no way that I could even begin to imagine how she must have felt.

"Bella," I choked as Jasper pulled out of me, almost brutally.

"Edward…I…Oh my God…" she sobbed and covered her mouth with her hand as if she was going to be sick. I was too stunned to say anything else as she ran for her room, stumbling against her grandmother's rocking chair in her haste to get away from me. A few seconds later, her bedroom door slammed so hard that the porcelain ornaments she had been collecting since childhood on the shelf in the hall rocked and fell. I turned to look at Jasper, he was pale as death.

"I'll talk to…" I started, but stopped as her bedroom door opened again and I heard Jasper gasp. Spinning around, it took a few seconds before I saw the gun trembling in her right hand. I had no idea that Bella even owned a gun.

Throwing myself in front of Jasper, and holding his hand behind me, I put the other hand up in front of me, painfully aware that we were both still naked.

The gesture was unnecessary because before I could even say her name, she'd raised the gun up to her temple and said softly, "I love you."

My scream for her to stop was almost completely drowned out by the loud blast as the gunshot reverberated through the small living room. I watched in horror, assaulted by the smell of sulfur and an acrid burning as the back of her head exploded in a showering mist of blood and gore onto the white wall behind her.

The gun clattered to the floor from her slackened grip and I watched, my body wracked with sobs, as she slid down the wall, her eyes frozen wide in accusation and death.

Vaguely from behind me, I heard Jasper speaking, his voice trembling so hard I could only make out a few words. "…ambulance…suicide…blood…" His voice was high and frightened, and I knew that I should comfort him, but my knees gave out and I hit the hardwood floor, the remnants of my lunch coming back to splatter across the braided rug that had been a gift from her parents.

In the months that followed Bella's death, Emmett postponed his wedding because his best man couldn't face our family, or Bella's. No one came out and said that they blamed me for her death, but I know that they do. Every minute of every day, I see the accusation in Bella's eyes just before she pulled the trigger. Jasper and I managed, barely, to stay together. He graduated, having passed the only class he needed that semester. I didn't go back to class, choosing instead to agree to a short hospitalization. The only thing that got me out of that place was Jasper, and my love for him. In the beginning, he fought so hard to keep his life together, keep us together. When he charged into the hospital and told me I was coming to live with him, it was like a dream. It wasn't long before the horrors of that day caught up with him, however, and he started spending more time with a bottle than with me.

I miss the way he would hold me at night, I miss our tender lovemaking, but mostly, I miss sleeping because I'm no longer able to, as I wake up screaming, the sound of a gun echoing through my nightmares.