It takes most of Kara's self-control to avoid bringing up marriage and children again after that first conversation, the one that made her realize just how deep her feelings for Cat go. She knows that it's too soon, that it's enough for them to have talked about it and been honest about what they both want, how they both feel. She knows that Cat still has long formed hesitations around marriage and more children that she needs to work through. And she knows that when Cat hasn't even been able to ask her to move in, that marriage is still a distant goal.
And in some ways that's a good thing, Kara can admit. It gives Alex time to step up her research on Kara's biology and what she can understand about the sciences woven into Kara's DNA. Most research on Kryptonian physiology has been focused on the abilities gained from the yellow sunlight rather than the possibility of children, and Kara needs to know as much as she can about the process, and how it might affect Cat, before she's willing to risk it. She wants to marry Cat, but she doesn't need a Kryptonian ceremony to do so, not if it will harm a human. Not even if it means giving up the chance of children.
But as the research is assembled and seems to indicate no probability for negative effects, Kara starts to get impatient. She really doesn't want to push Cat, she's still half afraid sometimes that the woman's old fears will crop back up and convince her to run. To push Kara away and run where she can't follow. And pushing Cat before she's ready on her own has always been a sure way to get exactly the reaction you don't want.
She definitely wasn't expecting Cat to call her on her avoidance long before Kara finds the courage to bring things up again.
"Am I that hard to talk to?" comes the pointed question as they're sitting in Cat's home office one night after Carter has gone to bed, on one of the increasingly common nights that Kara will spend at Cat's. "You keep looking at me as if you want to say something, and every time you end up looking away instead. Now, I know I can be difficult, even now that we're together. And if you don't want to talk to me for whatever reason, then that's your right. But if I'm pushing you away without realizing it, please don't be afraid to tell me, because that is the last thing I want."
It's not anything Kara has expected to hear, she's been so afraid of pushing Cat away that she hasn't realized how her actions must look. "You're not pushing me away" Kara is quick to reassure her, easily hearing the uncertainty in Cat's voice. "I'm just scared of pushing you away."
"Ah, the conversation we had with Alex a few months ago is making you think, isn't it?" Cat says instantly; scooting closer to Kara's side from where she's been sitting, still not one for extended physical contact outside of sleeping. "Kara, you should be able to be honest with me when something is bothering you."
"It's not bothering me, not really" Kara tries to defend, because she knows Cat is right but she's still afraid of rushing her. "Alex keeps getting positive results from the data she's collecting, and like you said, it's making me think."
"You're getting impatient, aren't you?" Cat asks after a long minute of silently searching Kara's face for something, her own eyes narrowing as she does. "Alex is saying that nothing bad will happen, and now part of you wants to rush into it all head first. Am I close?"
"Not quite head first, I would want to do it right, but yes" Kara admits, not even trying to hide, knowing Cat will see right through her. "I never thought I could have that piece of Krypton, of the future I lost there. And hearing that I can, part of me wants to grab it and hold it close. But I know it's too soon, and we aren't there yet."
"Which is undoubtedly your polite way of saying you expect me to run for the hills if you broach the topic of marriage." Cat points out dryly, and Kara ducks her head in embarrassment and a little shame. "Darling, I'm not going anywhere, and we should be able to talk about this without you worrying that I will. But for what it's worth, I do agree that it's too soon. You're not even ready to move in with me yet."
"Wait, I'm not ready to move in with you? I've been waiting for you to ask! Cat, I spend half my time here anyway." Kara had expected the agreement that they weren't ready to think about marriage, even with her growing impatience, but she hadn't expected that one.
"Yes, I've noticed that. And I think that you living here would be something we both enjoyed. But Kara, every game night you hold, you host at your apartment. Every movie night with Alex. And every time you're here, I can see the hesitation on your face, because you still don't believe you fit here, you don't feel like this is your home. And that's what I've been waiting for." Cat's voice is gentler than most would think possible, and it still surprises Kara to hear it directed at her, even after almost a year together. Rarely is Cat quite this soft with anyone but Carter, not even with Kara. It's easy to see her love in other ways if you know them, and Kara knows them all, but openly like this? It's an occurrence saved for the most intimate of conversations, the ones where there are no walls to hide behind, no pretenses to keep. The ones where they can talk about anything, completely honest with one another. The ones where Kara isn't afraid to be honest about what she wants, without wondering if Cat will run.
"I didn't think of it like that" Kara says softly, responding to that tone in turn, thinking about how to say what she feels but not worried about holding anything back. "I kept waiting for you to ask, because this is your space. I want to belong here, I feel comfortable with you, but you're right. This isn't my home, not yet."
"We can work on that" Cat promises, reaching out to run gentle fingers through Kara's hair. "Perhaps the next time you want a movie night with your sister, you can use the game room?"
"But you refuse to set foot in the game room with Carter and me, you say the bright colors give you a migraine and you refuse to sit in bean bag chairs." Kara knows it's more to give Carter a space free of his mother's presence when he needs it than anything else, but she also knows the criticism of the chairs is an honest one.
"Well yes, but that won't matter for you and Alex" Cat says, looking at Kara in confusion. Kara is just as puzzled, until suddenly it clicks.
"You can't join us for movie night if you won't set foot in the room" Kara says, watching for Cat's reaction to see if she's right. And she knows she is when she sees surprise bloom across Cat's face when the meaning sets in. "Inviting Alex over and then shutting you out won't make this feel like home. If anything, I'll feel more awkward that way." Kara explains.
"I don't want to take away from your time with Alex" Cat protests. "The two of you should have time to yourselves, and you should feel comfortable having that time here."
"And I'm sure one day I will, but right now I know that's not the way to do it. Shutting you out is only going to make me feel more uncomfortable. You don't have to join us if you don't want to, but I don't want to take away that option from you completely." Kara knows herself well enough to know that's the only way she'll feel right bringing Alex into this space at first. She'll need it to be their space, still needs Cat to be there with her to feel she belongs there, that she has a right to play hostess in this apartment. And that brings home just how right Cat is.
Cat seems to understand, able to see more of Kara than the younger woman had realized, not that she tries to hide from her. "As long as you don't pick some ridiculous movie, I suppose I could join the two of you for at least part of the night" is all Cat says, the earlier softness fading slightly as the moment passes. But Kara can hear it behind the words, can see it in Cat's eyes, and she knows it's still there. "But any game nights will be held in that room, it's designed to be easy to clean, and I will not have Wick staining my carpet dropping food every time I glare at him."
"You could always just not glare at him" Kara laughs before leaning forward for a quick kiss, already knowing Cat will avoid game nights like the plague, at least for a few months. Cat her girlfriend she might be able to convince to join, but Cat Grant the boss will be almost impossible. And Kara understands, to an extent. The boss needs to be separate, needs to be impartial. And Cat isn't particularly fond of letting anyone beyond Carter and Kara see her softer sides, which makes keeping that distance easier.
Kara understands all of that, understands why Cat would want to keep her distance. She can even understand why she might feel nervous, joining Kara's group of friends in a way that means she can't be the boss, why she might be wary of blurring those boss/employee lines.
But then Kara remembers that she's still an employee at CatCo, and the lines between the two of them have definitely shifted. Only shifted, they haven't been entirely erased because neither of them want to bring their work dynamic into their personal relationship, even if that work dynamic has also softened and shifted. At work they aren't solely boss and employee, but there are still boundaries in place, roles that need played. And if Cat can find that balance with her, surely she can find it with her friends.
But Kara knows that will come later, will be a gradual softening that Cat will deny as long as she can.
X
They don't really discuss anything about Kara moving in after that, not beyond planning game nights to avoid conflicts with Cat's schedule. Kara is determined let herself feel at home in Cat's space, but she won't risk making her girlfriend's life harder than it needs to be, or taking away any of her needed evenings of relaxation. So there are no game nights when she has conference calls scheduled, or after board meetings when any reminder of her employees would bring only aggravation. And eventually, they find a balance.
Eventually, Kara has moved in mostly by default, though she keeps her own apartment mostly out of nostalgia. It was the first place on Earth she'd truly made her own, and she's given up so much already that it's hard to let go. Cat understands, doesn't say a word when Kara keeps paying the rent every month for an apartment she's only set foot in a few times. "Why do you think I still have that old radio station?" is all she says when Kara asks if it bothers her, and the subject is dropped.
It also makes a convenient place to drop for a few scant hours or minutes of sleep after a long night of fighting the latest alien threat before heading into work, its location closer to the DEO than Cat's apartment. She never uses it after the tough fights though, no matter how late she's out those nights she knows Cat will need to see her as soon as the DEO is done with her, and a little less sleep is more than worth it to reassure her girlfriend she's fine. It's only used after fighting the stubborn aliens that take time, but that don't involve much risk. Those nights a quick text to her sleeping lover before collapsing into bed are enough for them both, though Kara usually ends up spending her first hour at CatCo working from Cat's balcony, just for the closeness it allows between them.
Even with the demands of two different highly draining lives, it doesn't take long to settle into a routine that gives them as much time together as possible without neglecting their very real responsibilities. It's easy between them on a deep level, their brief clashes or bursts of temper quickly soothed and moved past. They've learned to navigate each other's emotional hang-ups after so long, and rarely does a sharp comment bring more than patient understanding and comfort.
They actually end up discussing marriage before acknowledging Kara has completely moved in, not only to Cat's penthouse but also her life. It's just after their two year anniversary, the first night since that they've had the place to themselves why Carter is out. They're lying in bed, wrapped tightly in each other's arms, and Cat finally breaks the silence that's fallen.
"How's Alex doing?" she asks quietly, surprising Kara. The two of them get along well enough, and Cat makes sure to keep up with her sister's doings because they're important to Kara, but she doesn't usually ask when the last of the sweat is still drying on their bodies.
"What happened to you're not allowed to mention Alex and I'm not allowed to mention Carter when we're in bed?" Kara asks instead of answering, surprised to see a slight flush climb to Cat's face. Cat still holds her emotions close out of habit, so for something to get a reaction it must be something big.
"Your habit of saying whatever pops into your head must be contagious," Cat says rather than apologizing, and Kara laughs a little. "I suppose it's the tradeoff for your alien DNA meaning I don't worry about germs."
"So what had you thinking about Alex?" Kara says, wondering where this is going.
"I was wondering how her research was going," Cat says softly, and it takes Kara a minute to catch up. They haven't talked about the possibility of marriage or children in almost a year, agreeing to shelve the topic until a more convenient day. Apparently that's today.
"She's pretty sure she knows most of the variables now, and last I knew she had a computer dedicated to running scenarios and data. It kind of took a backseat after that Kryptonite scare, she's determined to recreate the blocker Astra's forces came up with. But nothing in the research so far worried her." Kara's worry for Cat's safety means Alex is just as worried, so the DEO agent had been checking and double checking every conclusion and theory to make sure she hadn't missed anything.
"I know we haven't discussed the topic recently, and if you've changed your mind about what you want, then I understand. But I'm not getting any younger, and I want you to have what you want before I can't keep up." Cat sounds very serious, so Kara bites down on her instinct to immediately argue with her. The emotion in Cat's words is obvious, and she deserves a fully considered answer.
"You know the age difference doesn't matter to me any more today than it did when we got together. And I have every confidence that you could keep up with any children we would have. But what I want is for us both to be happy with our lives. If you only want this because I do, then it's not something I'm interested in." It hurts a little to consider, Kara hates the possibility that she'll lose another connection to her lost home, but it's the truth. The past is just that, and now she wants the best future she can build. And for her, that means Cat, and Cat's happiness.
"I do want this," Cat says instantly, and Kara can hear that she means this. "I want to share this with you, and not just because it's what you want. It scares me, how much I want this, because while I have every faith in your ability to be a great parent, you know my track record. And it's been years since I cared for an infant." Kara can understand that, even if she disagrees. Cat is already an amazing mother, and will be for any child or children in the future.
No, Kara understands because she's scared about how she will do. Even if she's older now, has settled into adulthood comfortably, she still feels wholly unprepared at the thought of having an infant totally dependent on her. She wants it, knows that with help from Cat things will be fine and she'll learn, but it still scares her.
"You will be amazing with any baby we have," Kara says softly, needing Cat to believe her. "You'll teach me what I need to know, and we'll do it together. As long as you're sure. I know how you feel about marriage, and that's not counting the fact this would be a Kryptonian marriage."
"I am sure," Cat says instantly, leaning up slightly to look into Kara's eyes. "Nothing would make me happier. Marriage to you, in whatever way, is different for me."
"Then I'll talk to Alex tomorrow."
X
"You'll need to get a crystal from your cousin," is the first thing Alex says after she finishes congratulating Kara. "The ceremony has to be as close to the original Kryptonian version, and the crystal is essential."
"That means I have to explain the fact I'm engaged to Cat Grant," Kara whines. Kal-El might know they're dating, but Kara hasn't been in any rush to tell him more than that. She still thinks of him as her little cousin despite his age, and certain things seem strange to share with him. Especially when his own wife is her fiancée's biggest rival.
"You will," Alex says without sympathy, she's been rolling her eyes for months at the way Kara has avoided telling her cousin about how serious the relationship is. "Especially because a Kryptonian has to preside over the whole thing to activate the crystal. And before you worry, the words can be said in English, so you won't suffer through your cousin's horrible accent on your wedding day."
Kara doesn't even try to hide her sigh of relief at that. As much as she loves hearing Kryptonian spoken, as much as she hates the thought that the knowledge might fade with her, hearing Kal-El butcher the language at such an important ceremony would hurt terribly. It's painful enough on a normal day, a reminder of what she's lost and the responsibility she'd had to him. The responsibility the Phantom Zone had stolen from her. Most days she can put that behind her, but to face it on her wedding day would be too much.
"So, who asked who?" Alex asks once Kara has managed to wipe the relief from her face. "Come on, Kara. My baby sister just got engaged, I want to know the details. Who asked who, was there a ring, will you two be having a human ceremony or just the Kryptonian one?"
"First, I was only a baby before you were born, you don't get to call me that," Kara says, knowing her argument won't stick- it never has- but trying anyway. "Second, neither of us really asked, I guess. She asked how your research was going, and asked if I still wanted the things I did when we first found out about the possibility. We weren't exactly planning the whole wedding and childbirth in one sitting."
"One of you has to ask," Alex says firmly, and Kara raises an eyebrow questioningly.
"Is that part of the ritual? Because I asked to make sure she was okay with marriage, especially a Kryptonian one, so it's not like we aren't on the same page." Kara really wishes Alex had compiled a list of steps for the ceremony months ago, because the last thing she wants to do is somehow screw this up.
"The ceremony starts when you two take the podium, relax," Alex says when she sees the look of worry on Kara's face. "But it's practically an engagement law, if no one asks then it's not really an engagement."
"We discussed marriage and agreed we wanted to have a Kryptonian ceremony, how is that not an engagement?" Kara doesn't get what Alex is talking about, or why it's apparently such a big deal, because she's perfectly happy with how things stand now.
"But if the question wasn't popped, then it's not official. You've just agreed you both want to get married, not that you're getting married," Alex says in the same voice she'd used to explain Earth interactions to Kara years ago, and Kara remembers how much she'd hated the slightly patronizing tone. Even if she knows Alex is just teasing this time, it still grates the smallest bit, sisterly annoyance at its finest.
"What's the difference?" Kara says flippantly, not understanding the point and not particularly caring.
"It's like you and I agreeing that ice cream is great, but not agreeing that we're going to get ice cream." And suddenly Kara is worried, because that makes a certain amount of sense. She still doesn't think that they aren't actually engaged, she knows that Cat wouldn't have said she wanted marriage unless she wanted to actually get married, but Kara wants this to be perfect. She wants to do everything right, and apparently that means actually proposing instead of just talking about marriage.
"So, should I get a ring?" Kara asks, her new uncertainty leaving her hesitant.
"Well, I think that's up to you, and whether you two are planning a human ceremony as well as the Kryptonian one. You'll be needing bracelets for that one," Alex says with a smirk that fades as she takes in how uncertain Kara looks. "Hey, Kara, I'm teasing you. It's what big sisters do. I've known Cat wants to marry you for months now, I'm sure you've known longer than that."
"But you think I should ask," Kara says, and it's not a question this time.
"Honestly, I think you two need to spend more time talking this out. I was just teasing, but if you don't know whether there will be a human ceremony or rings, then you didn't spend enough time on details. You two are moderately out at work, but if and when you end up pregnant, it's going to spread farther than that. And the lack of a marriage the press will understand won't do you any favors." Alex is soft as she explains, and Kara knows she's right. So far they've disclosed their relationship to HR to follow company policy, and of course Kara's friends know, but they'd let the rest of the building draw their own conclusions from the slowly changing behavior between them. Obviously most have figured it out, but no reporter employed by Cat Grant would dare run a story without proof, and only a greater fool than she's tolerated in years would dare take a lead to another publication. Between fear of Cat's retribution and fear of Kara's disappointment, even though most of CatCo knows they've managed to keep their relationship a relative secret.
Obviously, a child would change that.
Cat has always done her best to keep Carter out of the public eye, had been willing to give up the company she'd sacrificed so much to build to protect Adam from being dragged into a media storm. Kara knows that she'll do the same for any baby they have together, but that doesn't mean the press wouldn't find out about the child at all. No, if they go through with this, marriage and pregnancy and motherhood, their careful discretion is going to come to an end.
"Yeah, we definitely need to talk."