Green
Green.
That was all he could see. A spec of green in an ocean of blue.
The Swan, the dharma homes, his dharma home, their dharma home, Jack, Charlie, Sun, Jin, Juliet. The garden full of sunflowers, His proposal ring. His life for three years, the place where he changed from Sawyer to James (and maybe James too, maybe James was left there too), all reduced to green.
He couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand watching his life turn into nothingness before his eyes for one more second. It was his whole life, that island. For three years, that island was his universe, and there was nothing beyond its never-ending borders. And look at it now. It looked like you could pick the whole damn thing up and drop it in fucking Disney Land and still have room to spare for Sleeping Beauty's castle.
Somewhere under all of that green was Juliet.
He felt sick. There was no way he could go back. Not without her. As soon as his feet touched the ground he would just fall apart. Simply break down and disintegrate into nothingness. Because he didn't belong here. There was no place for him in a world without Juliet.
At least on the island he had the memory of her, her presence surrounding him every step of the way.
Here?
He had nothing.
Maybe something would go wrong. Maybe they'll run out of fuel and have to land back on the island. Maybe there'll be just a little too much weight and someone will have to jump off to save the rest. Maybe...
"We've made contact with the outside world!" Richard shouted back joyfully, almost humorously. And for a second he hated the man. Hated him with all of his heart. Why does he get to be happy? Why does he get to go home without a care in the world and joke about it and smile about it and well, gosh, why don't we all just get up right now and sing Kumbaya, make a toast to good health and longevity and duct tape and whatever the hell else contributed to this absolutely perfect moment?
Cause Juliet ain't here. That's why.
"There's a private runway a couple hundred miles away. We should be landing shortly." And he hadn't said anything about happiness and living and kumbaya, he just made a lighthearted comment in attempt to break the tension that felt so strong and present he was surprised the plane didn't just drop under its weight.
But it didn't. And Richard was right. They will be landing shortly. Not even an hour in a half later, and land-an immense amount of brown-was in view. Kate didn't open her eyes, just squeezed Claire's hand a little tighter. Miles let out a breath and Claire looked out the window as if she had never seen something so majestic in all of her life. As if the land below them was glimmering gold streets and milk chocolate rivers.
As if, on the land below them, Juliet was waiting in her hippie shirt with her hair tied back, smiling at the pages of her book and she'd look up when they landed and smirk at him. "Hey there," she'd say. "Nice to see you. I've been doing fine; haven't been waiting here long or anything like that." And he'd grin and say he was sorry and she'd forgive him because "after three years I'm used to you not being early for anything" and then he'd remember that he wasn't all too quick in discovering she was still alive (and it wasn't even him, was it? It was Kate.) And he wasn't too quick to reaching her under what was left of the Swan, and maybe if he was earlier she wouldn't be dead but she'd just put her arms around him and tell him its okay, that "I'm here now."
God, Blondie, I wish you were...
"Okay guys, buckle up!" Frank called. "We're beginning our descent."
The runway was black. A long, narrow strip of black concrete. When was the last time he'd seen something like that?
When had Juliet?
Did she miss it? He wondered idly. He never even asked her if she missed concrete roads and the yellow lines running through their center. He never bothered to find out if she missed the way a traffic light would change from red to green right as you were driving through it, or if she missed the little click that came from pressing the button for the don't walk signs. Did she ever miss reading those stupid ads on billboards and bus stops and the top of taxi cabs? Did she ever bother to read them at all?
How had he never asked her these? How was he supposed to go the rest of his life without knowing the answers?
He had to put his hands in his pockets. He didn't know what else to do with them, they were shaking so much. And when he did, something hit against his left index finger. He tried to identify the object, but he couldn't. Not for the life of him. So with shaky hands he pulled the thing out and opened his hand. His eyes widened when he saw it.
"Hey, I'm ready!" He shouted and smiled. He was ready before her. Wasn't exactly on time, but more on time then she was. And she said it would never happen...
"Did you hear me? I said I'm ready!" Ha. She wasn't even out of her room yet."Juliet!"
"I heard you!" She yelled back angrily. Oh, so now she was mad at him cause he proved her wrong, was she? Well then...
"Well hurry up! You know how much I hate waitin' for ya!"
She didn't respond. But he could practically feel her rolling her eyes and muttering a curse under her breath. He smiled to himself and put on his shoes (she didn't have to know that that wasn't done yet) and then grabbed his book, figuring he could read a paragraph and then give her crap about waiting so long that he practically finished his book. But when he actually got through a good six pages and there was still no sight of her, he stood.
"What the hell you even doin' in there, Blondie?" He headed toward the bedroom and threw the door opened. There were clothes all over the floor, but not much on her body. For a second they both just stood there, looking each other over.
"Are you seriously wearing that?" she asked, motioning to his jeans.
"Me? You're not even dressed yet!" (Not that he minded) "Jesus, Juliet, we're just going to Amy's house." Though suddenly that was the last thing he wanted to be doing right now. "Didn't realize there was a dress code."
She rolled her eyes. "We're going to her baby shower. We should at least look somewhat decent."
"I think I look plenty decent." Why did it matter what he was wearing? And why was he going at all? Since when do men ever go to baby showers?
She didn't respond as she pulled a dress off a hanger and slipped it on. "Zipper me up," she commanded.
He dutifully walked in and he turned away from him, holding up her hair. Damn, she was gorgeous. Really, is this baby shower that important? He could think up some much better ways to spend the evening...
It was then that he noticed the things hanging from her ears. He brought his hand to one. "Since when do you wear earrings?"
"I don't."She slapped his hand away. "I haven't worn them since Amy and Horace's wedding, and that was the first time since before I even came to your side of the island. I hate earrings."
"Then why are you wearing them?"
"Because I don't want my holes to close up."
"But if you don't like them then why does it matter?"
"Because I might want to wear them someday."
"But if-"
"Just zipper the damn dress, James."
He shook his head as he obliged. Women.
They hadn't even been to the party for an hour when she began complaining. 'They're irritating' 'I don't know what type of material they're using in the seventies, but it is not good' 'I've always been sensitive about these things, but this is just ridiculous'. Oh, for the love of God! It's not like she hasn't had bad days before, but this was among her worst. He told himself it was just her freaking out over how close it was til the baby was due. They went over it at least once a week.
'Amy is going to the mainland, right?'
'She has to have her baby on the mainland.'
'When is Amy heading to the mainland, she has to have the baby there.'
' Thank God Ben isn't old enough or psychotic enough yet to have that rule that no one is allowed to go to the mainland.'
And you're sure Horace knows that Amy needs to have the baby on the mainland?'
But still. This was getting a little crazy. He wasn't sure how much more he could take.
"That's it," she finally said, tearing the earrings out of her ears. "Here." She held them out to him.
"What the hell you giving them to me for?"
"I don't have anywhere to put them."
"Why don't you throw them out, you're never gonna wear 'em again."
"Just take them, James!"
He tilted his head back and groaned, snatching the earrings out of her hand and shoving them into his pocket.
He was convinced that some evil spirit lived in those earrings, because as soon as they were off, Juliet was back. They spent the rest of the evening laughing and talking with everyone else and when they started back to their place she grabbed his hand and rested her head on his shoulder. He planned on throwing the cursed earrings out as soon as they got home, but she distracted him.
"That was fun," she smiled.
"It was."
"Amy looked really happy, didn't she?"
"Mmhmm."
"Do you ever think about having kids?" He was taken aback at how casually she said it. As if they were just getting to know each other and she was trying to get some tiny glimpse into his life.
"Sure I do. In fact, my wife and I are trying for one right now."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm serious."
"Of course I do. I just didn't think you ever did."
"Of course I do. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to."
"Well do you?"
"I…I don't know." She paused. "Maybe…someday."
"Yeah," he said. "Someday."
There was another tension filled silence. "We shouldn't even be worrying about this right now" She spoke quickly, her words all merging together. "I mean, neither of us are ready yet, right?"
"Right," he answered just as rapidly and certain. But maybe they were both just trying to deny the truth.
"I mean, we're in the seventies. Our child would be around our age. And we know something happens to all of the dharma people, we wouldn't want to raise a kid here. Plus wouldn't we want to be married before we had kids? And-"
"Did you just say you wanted to get married?"
"What?" she stopped as if she had only just registered the words that left her mouth. "No. No!" she almost laughed. A nervous, forced, laugh. "All I said was that its probably more acceptable here to be married before getting pregnant. And we already agreed that we didn't want kids. So…"
But she had said it. She had said she wanted to get married. Or at least she meant it.
He smiled. Because just the other day he talked to Horace, and a ring was on its way.
Tears stung his eyes. It was the cursed earrings. He dug into his pocket and, sure enough, the second half of the pair was there. He stared at them. They hardly looked any different. Like some form of time capsule, the pocket had kept them from again with the rest of his house over the last thirty years. It really might have been just a few weeks since these were in her ears, since they strolled down the barracks discussing marriage and children.
He closed his first around the earrings as the tears began to fall.
They'd never get married. They'd never have any kids.
"James. Hey James. You ready to go?" He looked up to see that the plane had touched the ground and everyone was off. Just Miles waited by his side.
He was scared as hell to get up. Because once he was off, it was over. There was no way of returning. And everything that was part of his life as James LaFleur, every piece of her, would be forever gone, turned into patch of green a thousand miles away.
Except for these.
He opened his palm and stared at the cursed earrings. These, these two little blue spheres whose color was so similar to her eyes that they might as well have been created from the same genes, they were here. They hadn't been left under the blanket of green. They were here, safe in his hands.
"Yeah," he could manage nothing more than a whisper. "Let's go."
And, with the image of her clear in his mind and her earrings right up against his skin, he stepped out onto the concrete. Solid and foreign. But with the earrings in his hand
that no longer felt like such a curse as the only physical thing he had left to ensure him that everything they'd had was real, that she was real, he didn't break.
Not completely.
A/N: that earring scenario is totally my life, by the way. I hate earrings. every year or two there comes a day when I'm like, 'ugh, I should put earrings in so they don't close up, shouldn't I?' and then the next day they're out again. they really do irritate!
well, that's my pointless story of the day.
hope you enjoyed (the actual story, not my rambling. although I guess I hope you enjoy that too.)
=D
-Sarah