Have you ever met someone, and the moment you meet them you just know they are going to change your life forever?
I met someone who had that sort of impact on me.
He's the reason I gave up being a DJ.
I loved music. Music and deejaying were my life.
In fact, deejaying is how I met him.
A music producer- he was one of the youngest in the industry.
I was majorly impressed that someone only 7 years older than me had made a name for himself in a industry as cutthroat as music . Not only did he have the name recognition he had clout- but he also had the serious respect of many of the top names.
He liked my stuff. Said " I had real talent an original. A possible game changer."
I had blushed at his words. " Piss off. " I told him.
" I call it as I see it. And you, you have it Johnny P." he said.
That meant something to me. Here was someone who worked with so many different artists in the field telling me he liked my mixes and I had potential.
Did I mention he was gay and fit?
I had a bit of a crush on him.
Don't get it twisted, I loved Craig, and he had my heart completely, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't flirt with him from time to time. Nothing beyond a teasing word or two, sometimes three or four.
I'd love it when he's show up to my sets, and often afterwards we'd go out for drinks and talk about the latest records we had heard, or up and coming bands. Sometimes, we would spend an entire night scouring the city for the obscure acts , sussing out where they were playing secret shows at some hidden club.
It wasn't only music we talked about- I shared a lot with him about losing Tina and Kieron, in some ways it was easier talking to him about the tough stuff than Craig.
Craig tried not to let on he was jealous, but I knew our friendship bothered him, so I did my best to convince him we were nothing more than mates.
" He's sort of like the older brother I always wanted." I told him, and I believed that.
Then it happened, we were out at a club dancing to the music of another mysterious indie band ,and we both had a bit too much to drink , and were dancing a bit too close...and he kissed me, and ...I kissed him back.
I went home with my head in a spin. I said nothing to Craig about it. The next time I saw him I told him we needed to keep things professional. He agreed with me and blamed our actions on the several rounds of whiskey and lager. Things went back to how they had been, except I never hung out after hours with him anymore.
Until one night, he turned up to my show . We had each had a beer after I finished my set, and he begged me to come back to his. He had just obtained a rare album by some Swedish band from the 60s or 70s that once played with Jimi Hendrix, and in his words " I just had to give it a listen."
I agreed to go, and got up and went to the gents. When I returned I downed the rest of my beer in one gulp and followed him outside. I don't remember much after that point it comes to me in bits in pieces. I remember being outside up against the wall of the club with his tongue down my throat and him groping me and calling me "hot and sexy".
I remember him kissing my neck as we drove to his place. I remember my head hurting tons like I was going to be sick, and him offering me something to take the nausea away. When I tried to get up from his sofa , and said I should probably go home to Craig since I was feeling so badly, he asked me to give the medicine a few minutes to work. He pleaded for me to stay- he wouldn't have the album much longer, he was going to have to return, and he didn't know when he's get his hands on it again- this was a once in a life time opportunity. I took a sip from the can he offered ,and the remainder of what happened that evening is all fuzzy memories. I do recall him forcing my hand down the front of his jeans and me swatting him away when he tried to do the same to me, I remember mumbling something about Craig and really needing to go … that we couldn't... that I shouldn't ...that's it ,the next clear memory is waking up the next day.
The following morning, I opened my eyes to find myself in his bed: sore and my clothes scattered on the floor of his room.
He had left breakfast and a note for me . The note said I could use anything I wanted in his flat, but to be out by noon when the cleaners were due in.
I've never dressed more quickly in my life. I finished putting my shoes on in the garden.
I went home, hoping Craig was out- I wanted to be on my own. He wasn't. He took one look at me and knew something was wrong, and I collapsed into his arms sobbing.
He held me tightly . I couldn't speak, and after what felt like hours , Craig ventured a guess " Tina?" he whispered to me softly.
Then it hit me, I couldn't tell the truth. If I were to be honest, I would have to admit I had been at his place. I had kissed him. I had been drinking with him. The facts didn't paint a pretty picture, and if the roles were reversed... I wasn't sure I would believe myself either.
In fact, I wasn't sure anyone would believe me. It would be his word against mine. Who would they believe- a kid that liked to party too much who often went on benders ,or the musical prodigy everyone loved and praised? I convinced myself it would be a waste of time, after all, to the bigoted police and jury I'd be just another gay guy.
Then I considered Craig and everything we had been through in recent months, I had given Craig enough reasons to worry after me I saw no reason to add to the list of troubles I caused his mind.
It was settled, there was no need for Craig or anyone else to know the truth.
I nodded in agreement, in response to his question.
It was one night of my life. One horribly bad night. That's all it had to be ,right? I rationalized to myself as Craig soothed me.
Nothing a shower, black coffee, and a nap couldn't fix. At least that's what I told myself.
I went to work that night. He didn't show up. In fact I didn't see him until a couple of weeks later. I did my best to avoid him , but he wouldn't let me.
As I finished my set, and made to leave he caught me by my arm saying " We need to talk about what happened the other night." I pulled away, and started home texting Craig as I went.
The next few days I received a few more text and calls from him. I don't know why I did it, but I agreed to meet him in the park one afternoon to talk.
He greeted me like he always had, like when were friends. We sat on a bench facing the pond, me sat as far away as possible from him. The conversation started with chat about the unusually mild weather we were having and football - he did most of the talking.
After a deep breath he said " We need to talk about what we did that night. I need to know we can still be friends."
" We didn't do anything!" I snapped. " You drugged me. You took advantage of me. You forced yourself on me. You hurt me. No I don't think we can be friends, and I seriously doubt we ever were!" I jumped to my feet.
He followed after me, grabbed my shoulder and forced me to look at him. " That's not how I remember it. You see I remember you flirting with me. You coming back to my place. I remember you kissing me. You grabbing my arse. You on your knees. That's how I remember it -you wanting every moment of it, and somehow I think your boyfriend. What's his name again? The one you claim to love so much? Craig ! Craig that's his name. Some how I think Craig won't see you as innocent either."
He then got closer to me. " Neither will Roy- he really hates people who try to sleep their way to the top." he sneered at me as he mentioned the producer he had promised to introduce me to.
He dropped his voice even lower. " Neither will the police. After all ,you agreed to meet me today. Why would you do that if I'd done something to you?"
I felt my stomach drop.
" Are you trying to intimidate me?" I asked forcing my voice to become stronger than I felt.
" I'm just stating the facts, Johnny P."
"Don't call me that."
" You know me...I call it as I see it."
I yanked myself from his grasp and walked quickly away without a clue as to where I was headed.
From then on he would show up to my sets from time to time . He would stare at me until my blood went cold, and I was certain what little color I had in my pale face was gone and I had to excuse myself to the toilets.
One evening, I was forced to work with him. Forced to sit next to him - I was trying to help a friend land a deal, and she begged me to sit in on the meeting with a few producers. He kept brushing up against me his hand "accidentally" touching my groin.
I quit my job as a deejay that night.
He texted me a few weeks later, asking why he hadn't seen me in the clubs, wanting to know if I was interested in meeting up with him he had a few producers who would love to hear me. I blocked his number and didn't respond.
A few months later I quit music- I sold my guitar, my records, anything music related...anything that reminded me of him -gone!
Craig was confused by my behavior. He thought I was being rash- going through another phase of grieving.
I told him I needed to stop messing around. Music was fine for me to play at as a kid , but not a career choice.
He argued with me - pointing out that I loved my music, and while it was true a career in that industry was a pipe dream for most people I had solid interest from legitimate names in the field. If anyone was meant to succeed it was me.
I told him to grow up and stop living in a fantasy world. I needed a stable and reliable career.
When he asked what I had in mind I told him teaching.
I hadn't been much for school when I was in it, but I always loved reading and learning, and maybe I could make a difference maybe I could be a mentor to kids " like us".
Craig had scoffed at me implying he was gay as well, but had been supportive of the idea telling me he'd thought It was a great choice and I'd be a top teacher.
If only I had known where my choice would lead.
I've never told anyone the truth about what happened that night, the real reason I became a teacher,not even after what happened with Finn. I doubt I ever will.
I thought I could move on ,throw myself into my new career ,and find new interests .
I convinced myself that I had , but every now and then it all comes back to me when I see his name in the papers or on the telly receiving more awards and accolades it's like I'm waking up the morning after in his flat all over again.
The shame. The confusion. The self- doubt. The horrible sinking feeling. The guilt.
The truth is, I'll never forget Ryan.
This is my attempt to explain why JP has seemingly lost all interest in music something that was initially so important to his character and now since his return has been forgotten.