ZECHS' COLONY
AKA WHY YOU
SHOULD NEVER GIVE A CRAZY MAN DRIED WHEAT
The year is After Colony 198. Just when you thought all was well in the
Earth Sphere Unified Nation, one man cannot find his colony. He will talk to gas station attendants, llamas,
insane priestesses, and his little sister's teddy bear to find out where it is…
and so, our story begins…
"Off my colony!"
"This is L2! This ain't your
colony!" Yelled Shini.
Zechs looked confused, then wandered
away. Shini shook her head.
What is that man on?
She wondered.
Noin ran up to where Shini was
standing. She looked worried, and Shini
was just about to ask what was wrong when suddenly Noin started to speak. "Shini! Have you seen Zechs?!"
Shini raised a finger and pointed in
the direction he had gone off in. "He
went looking for his colony."
"But… he doesn't HAVE a colony!"
Stuttered Noin.
Shini shrugged, and said, "I guess
that's why he's looking for it." Before
she could make an apology for her sarcasm, Noin cut her off again. "I'm sorry. He ate some dried wheat and it's made him very… happy."
"Kitto OK." Shini said, patting Noin
on the shoulder. "I understand."
Noin ran off in the direction
of Zechs as Wufei came up to bother Shini.
"Why is the honorable Zechs
wandering around like a bird with a powerful flap but no justice?" He looked
confused.
"He's looking for his colony."
Replied Shini.
"Why? Honor?" Asked Wufei. (According to Wufei, everything must be done
for honor)
"Because he ate dried wheat."
"Huh? Justice?"
Shini felt it was her duty to
explain. "Dried wheat, when not
harvested and stored properly, grows a mold that contains the same chemical
components as the drug LSD. It's why
people in ancient Europe hallucinated so much."
"Okay. Nataku. Onna. Justice. Honor." Wufei walked away mumbling to himself.
"Have you seen my colony?"
"No, señor pelo. ¿Quires un poco de
trigo secasle?" Said the llama.
(No,
Mister Hair. Do you want some dried
wheat?)
Zechs, in a pathetic and rather
silly attempt to locate his colony, was currently engaged in conversation with a
llama. Since Zechs knew apporoximately
four words of Spanish, and the llama four words of English, they were not
terribly successful in breaking down the language barrier.
"Uh… ¿sí?" Zechs stammered.
The llama motioned to it's feed
tray.
Now, when people do stupid things,
such as ingest enough dried wheat to exhibit the symptoms of LSD poisoning, it
is relatively safe to assume that they will do other stupid things. It is also relatively safe to assume that
the first stupid thing (i.e. ingesting unsafe amounts of dried wheat) will lead
to a second, even stupider, stupid thing. Such as, for example,
accepting a gift of dried wheat from a llama.
What is that man on? Thought
the llama.
"What do you MEAN, 'he's gone'?!"
Shouted the voice on the other end of the phone line.
Noin felt like she was going to
die. "Miss Relena, he took off looking
for… after he ate…" Although Relena couldn't see it, Noin was beginning to
become very red in the face with embarrassment.
"Looking for what? After he ate what?"
Feeling like she was going to have a
breakdown, Noin started to explain.
"As you know by now, the
terraforming project uses hybrid-tritocayle wheat on Mars. Out shipment was rapidly losing mass and
your brother--"
Relena's voice cut her off. "I have a meeting in fifteen minutes and
after that I am playing tennis with Mariemaea. I would like to know what has happened to my brother."
Noin took a deep breath. "Yes. He ate the wheat, which was actually LSD, and is now wandering around
the countryside looking for his colony."
"He doesn't have a colony!" Squawked
Relena.
"I know that." Noin said
weakly.
Relena hung up the phone.
What is that man on?
Thought Relena.
"Excuse me. I was wondering if you could help me look
for my colony."
The gas station man looked up. "Do you need a map?"
"That would be helpful."
"Are you sure you're lost?"
"I am very lost. I cannot find my colony."
The man took off his hat and
scratched his head. "You're on Earth."
"I need to find my colony."
"The colonies are in outer space."
"How do I get to outer space? Do you
have a map?"
The man looked at Zechs for a very
long time. "Do you have a name?"
"I'm not sure. I think it might be
Millarido Marquis. On the other hand,
it might be Zechs Peacecraft. I can't
find my colony. It bothers me."
The man slowly printed a picture out
of his computer. The picture was of
Millardo Peacecraft.
The man in front of him was Millardo
Peacecraft.
What is that\ man on? Thought
the gas station attendant. "You go down
the road and stop at the next building you see.
"The big shiny one?" Asked Zechs.
"Yes. Ask for someone named Relena."
"Who is she?" Zechs wondered aloud.
"She's a… very special person. Just ask her about your colony and you'll be
just fine."
Zechs looked at the doorbell of Relena's mansion for about five
minutes.
Then he shrugged and opened the door
himself.
Noin was happily pacing back and
forth in the foyer. She's received a
call from a man working at a gas station twenty minutes down the road about how
Zechs was wandering this way.
"Do I know you?" He asked.
"Zechs!" Noin cried. "Great! You're
back!"
"Are you Relena? Do you know where
my colony is?"
Noin's expression collapsed. "I'm not Relena. She is." Noin pointed to a very pissed off Relena
standing in the doorway. She was
standing next to a glass case that held the teddy bear Heero had given her.
Zechs, completely oblivious to
Relena, squatted down and asked the teddy bear, "Are you Relena? Do you know
where I can find my colony?"
Out of his sight, Noin fell back
against the wall and sunk toward the ground.
"I am Relena." Relena said. "The teddy bear's name is Heero. After Heero. And no, he does not know where your colony is since you do not
belong to a colony."
"I…don't…?" Asked Zechs.
Noin buried her head in her hands
and started to pray.
"You belong to the Peacecraft
nation, you fool." Relena gave him that silly determined look of hers.
Zech's eyes lit up and his voice
grew excited. "I belong to the
Peacecraft nation! Yay!"
Noin tried to curl up into a ball.
Zechs blinked, then looked about the
room. "Relena… why am I here? …and why
is Noin trying to hide behind that sofa?"
Noin's face appeared above the couch. "…you're back to normal?"
Zech's raised an eyebrow. "I'm not hiding behind a sofa."
Noin got out from behind the
furniture, grabbed him by the hair, and
started to march out the door.
"I'm not the eating unsafe amounts
of dried wheat. I'm not the one
talking to llamas. I'm not the
one who thinks my name is Noin Lucrezia instead of Lucrezia Noin. I'm not the one who doesn't recognize
my own siblings! I'm not the one looking for a colony that doesn't
bloody exist!"
"Why?" Asked Zechs, "was Relena
doing that?"