Author Note: I'm sleep deprived. All hail Caesar! One of the worst things I've ever written. Haiku?
Global Warming: No one should read this ever.
Fifty Shades of Alien Abduction
CASE FILE 8467: Anastasia
After a night of drinking and being posh, Anastasia finds herself walking home alone. She is a barefoot college student and it is the middle of a cloudy night. A hobo is peeing in a bush. Somewhere, a cat is meowing Dr. Dre's "The Next Episode" on a fence outside Nancy Grace's window. As Ana is a bit of a prude and has never seen a man sausage before, she blushes and gives the man-hobo a wide birth. He turns and smiles a toothy grin as she passes by, causing the brunette to scurry by faster. The creepy man pervert will think of her in that skimpy dress for many lonely nights to come.
Minutes pass as she walks hurriedly along, the street lights getting dimmer. Suddenly in the middle of the street Ana spots a cow. It appears to be screaming something at her.
"MOOOO! Moo moooo! Moo moo moo-moo, mooo!" Mr. Cow hollers.
"What is it? What do you want from me?" Ana screams and stumbles on the sidewalk, still a bit drunk. Its black and white spots where really starting to freak her out. 'They're like polka dots but not.' She thought, horrified.
Above them, the clouds parted and a giant alien flying saucer with glowy lights appeared, making a weird robot Scooby Doo villain type noise. *Wooo… ooooh…. Wooo… ooooh… Wooo… ooooh…*
Ana's mouth fell open and her red cherry pumps fell out of her hand to the ground. The cow appeared to be frustrated with her as it trampled over to where she lay on the sidewalk. It stared into her soul and crazy psychedelic eyebeams pierced into her brain! Oh no! But it was not a sunny side up brain fryer beam. No, it was a psychic beam that allowed the bovine to communicate with the boggled co-ed.
"Can you hear me now?" Said the great Mr. Cow.
Ana's head bobbled around – a side effect of the mind beam. "Is that you Satan?"
"No! I'm not Satan! I am a cow. We don't have much time!" He snapped, watching the saucer above them get closer.
"Why am I talking to a cow?" She asked, ready to cry. "What's going on?"
"I have travelled from the future – your future." Cow said. "You will meet a man named Christian Grey. You will have a child together. But you must remember this one important thing. All your lives depend on it. Christian Grey is-"
At that very instant, a large purple beam came down from the space ship and blew up poor Mr. Cow, sending beef jerky everywhere. Kaboom! Then the aliens ascended back into the clouds, leaving Ana in shock all alone. She would forget that night, chalking it up to a drunken nightmare. The cow's prophecy was not meant to be. Now the world would have to put its faith in John Connor. Fuck cows.
END OF ENCOUNTER