Author's note: Spoilers! So I didn't finish season five. In fact, I'm afraid to. But I watched Arthur's death scene, just that one two minute scene and it ripped my soul apart. I am afraid to watch that episode- anyways, that scene inspired this.
Merlin wept.
He wept because he had woken up that morning and didn't have anyone to call a prat. He wept because there was no royal idiot that he had to protect. He wept when he thought of the look of disgust on his friends face when he learned, and the look of sorrowful affection when he said thank you.
He wept because he was alone. Because a coin has no value with only one side. Because now he was worth nothing.
He wept because he thought of the adventures they might have had if he got Arthur to safety on time. Ones where he didn't have to hide who he was. He wept because he imagined Arthur grinning smugly as he tried to force some horrible set of robes upon Merlin so that he could play the part of court sorcerer. He imagined telling his king, his friend, that his neckerchief would be symbol enough.
He wept because that idiot dragon was right that day when he denied his destiny. He wept because he chose to let the Druid boy live. Because he leg Morgana live. He wept because if he didn't then he would have Arthur.
He wept because he had a home but really, he didn't. Because he stayed awake at night as his friend's laughing face haunted his memories. Sometimes he let himself sleep. Then he would wake up weeping because the dreams had been so real. Because Arthur was alive in them. Because they felt so real. But then weren't.
He wept because of the sacrifices he had made. Will. Freya. His father. But he didn't make the right sacrifices.
If he did he would have his king.
If he did he would still have his ruler.
If he did he would have that idiot prat. That stupid dollop head. That idiot ball of temper. That relentless chore giver. The one that so often turned his face against Merlin.
If he had made the right sacrifice he would have all of that. He would have his best friend.
Merlin woke up that morning and he wept.
He wept because he was alone.