The Great Naruto Timetravel Misadventure!
AN: Hello and welcome! I decided to have a go at writing my own timetravel ficlet. Too bad I wasn't in a serious mood and am writing this on holiday...Be prepared for a lot of crack, absurdity, some cliches and downright stupidity. Wow!
Pairings are KakaNaru, ItaSasu, GaaTema and SasoSakuIno.
M for language and some adult themes ;)
Chapter 1: Back in Time!
"Ugh," Naruto clutched his head in agony. "Fucks' sake, Kura', I thought you said we don't get hangovers!"
"We don't," growled back the demon fox, also in pain. "Kit, I feel like we've just been through a blender."
"What the hell happened, then?!" Naruto forced his eyelids open, despite every fiber of his being protesting the movement. "Huh."
The blonde found himself staring into the wrinkled face of the Sandaime Hokage, who lifted an eyebrow and blew a cloud of smoke into his face. "Naruto," he said, not unkindly, "Please can you get off my desk."
Naruto fainted.
Sasuke could not remember the last time he had felt so beaten up. It was as if he had just been through the most straining of training sessions with Orochimaru, and then force-fed Kabuto's 'own recipe' semolina. He gagged at the thought, and promptly sat up, expecting Karin's yelps or Suigetsu's quips (both of whom had moved in with him and Itachi upon his long-awaited return to Konoha) any minute. Instead, he was greeted with darkness. It was silent except for the rhythmic 'ka-clunk' of wagon wheels in the background.
The Uchiha boy's shinobi mind was about to go into full analytical mode, when he realised that what he was sitting against was badly digging into his shoulder.
Turning, he saw that it was a very old, wooden crate. But it was the writing on the crate that caught his eye. Suddenly, all other thoughts left his mind, and he smashed a hole through the crate with his fist.
When he brought his hand back out, he smirked triumphantly. There, in his palm, sat a juicy, red tomato.
Sakura, on the other hand, had no such rude awakenings. She stretched out in her bed like a cat, yawning widely, then settling her expression into a content smile. It was her day off from the hospital, and she knew what that meant - quality time with both of her lovers. Any minute now, the smell of bacon would beckon her and Ino downstairs, where they would all have breakfast together - Sasori was usually up first and took it upon himself to create food of utmost nutritional and culinary value, befitting of his beautiful girlfriends.
Sakura reached out an arm, expecting to find the soft curves of her girlfriend, but her hand hit the wall. Sakura opened her eyes and frowned. Why was she in a single bed?
Getting up, she scanned her surroundings, and her eyes stopped on a Sasuke poster hanging on the wall.
What. The. Fuck.
Elsewhere...
A strange, high pitched scream ended the slumber of everyone in the vicinity of Sunagakure. The local ANBU nodded to each other, determined, and flew towards the source of the commotion. What they saw made them pale and take a step back, horrified.
A shaking Temari was trying to extricate herself from the clutches of that monster, who - and this was truly terrifying - appeared to be - asleep! - in her bed. It seemed that Shukaku had broken loose and was attempting to suffocate the Kazekage's daughter via Gaara's thin arms!
Strangely, despite the boy's unconsciousness, there did not seem to be any malevolent chakra leaking out of the redhead, but no-one really paid attention.
"Save Temari-sama!" The commander barked out the order, and multiple projectiles were launched at Shukaku's host. Unsurprisingly, they were all blocked by the demon's cursed sand.
At this moment, Gaara's eyes fluttered open, and he gave his sister the absolutely most blood-chilling expression they had ever witnessed on his face - a small, gentle smile.
A few ANBU dropped like flies from sheer shock.
Gaara then mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like, "Just five more minutes",pulled his sister closer into the hug, and promptly fell back asleep.
They were truly not getting paid enough for this shit.
The next morning at the academy, Iruka sensed that something was amiss. The problem was, he had no idea what it was.
Of course, it was slightly unusual for Sakura and Ino to sit next to each other, and Naruto seemed to have left the jacket of his jumpsuit at home that day (claiming that it stank of smoke), but neither of those events were truly that stunning.
Suddenly, Iruka's eyes narrowed as he zeroed in on the problem.
Sasuke was late.
Sasuke was never late.
Iruka briefly checked his watch and compared it to the clock on the wall, unsure if he was early. He even double-checked with a few students from their watches for good measure, but it seemed that the time was, all in all, accurate.
The brown-haired chuunin was understandably concerned, but unfortunately, he had to start the team placements as he knew that the Jounin sensei were due to arrive soon and he had no time to waste.
Just as he had almost finished his congratulatory speech, the door flew open, interrupting him midword.
The class took in the sight of the (almost) last Uchiha. His top didn't seem to sit right around his bulging stomach, and his mouth was surrounded by a dried, crusty red liquid. His hair, the secret pride of all Uchiha clansmen, had seen better days. It stuck out in odd directions and had a few woodchippings entangled in his raven tresses. With every step Sasuke took, he left small amounts of sand behind.
"Sorry I'm late, Iruka-sensei," he drawled out in a bored tone.
"Where have you been?" demaded the teacher, more worried than angry.
Sasuke sighed lightly. "I was stuck in a wagon full of tomatoes being transported across Wind country."
No-one knew how to reply to that, and the number one rookie went to take the empty seat next to Naruto.
"So, Sasuke..." Naruto sent the boy next to him a calculating glace before taking the plunge, "How's Itachi?"
Sasuke snorted and locked eyes with his rival-turned-best-friend. "Figures you'd be here, dobe. How's Kakashi?" Naruto's cheeks tinged slightly pink. They were about to meet Kakashi again, and whilst Naruto was as impatient as ever, he was looking forward to seeing the man he adored - whether he recognised him or not.
"D'ya reckon Sakura-chan's here too?" he whispered back conspirationally.
They turned simultaneously to see Sakura smiling and waving a friendly goodbye to a slightly baffled-looking Ino. They turned back to face the front with wise expressions and nodded sagely.
"Yep, the chances are high."
Half an hour later, the room was empty, save for the 'new' graduates of team seven. Sakura stood from her spot near the back and slid gracefully into the seat on the other side of Naruto.
"Wellp..." she broke the silence, "...Let's go fetch Kakashi-sensei."
Hatake Kakashi, being an elite shinobi, rarely had much time to rest. It was rarer than even that, that he got to sleep in. When the Hokage had informed him of his newly allotted team, the Jounin had decided there and then that he would use it to his utmost advantage. And so, he had set his alarm to wake him late in the afternoon, and settled in for the lie-in of a lifetime.
Unfortunately for him, it was not meant to be.
A bucket of ice cold water was upended on his prone body, then dumped on his head.
He jumped up instantly and waved his kunai around frantically, looking for all the world like a drowned rat on speed, only to realise there was no-one in sight. Kakashi growled - who had managed to get into his apartment for this kind of stunt?! No-one knew how to get in bar the Hokage, and he highly doubted the revered leader would stoop so low as to endorse such an act...
In the Hokage tower, the Sandaime Hokage was crying tears of laughter as he watched Kakashi's reaction through his crystal ball, surrounded by three smirking young faces.
"I would pay you," he managed to choke through his laughter, "any sum of money to see the same done to Hyuuga Hiashi. Any," he emphasised, as Naruto's face split into a manical grin.
Meanwhile, in Suna...
Gaara never thought he would ever want to go through his younger years - especially those before the Chuunin exam - ever again. However, now that he was actually in said predicament, he realised it was really not that bad at all.
After an intense mental glaring match with Shukaku, Gaara and the demon came to the compromise that marked the beginning of Gaara's adventure in the past.
Instead of murdering villagers to appease the sand demon, they would fuck with people instead.
And after the day they'd had, both demon and host agreed that it truly was far more amusing than killing ever had been.
First, Gaara had allowed Temari to recover from the morning's escapade - hey, it wasn't his fault, he had thought it was his Temari! - and waited until she recounted the story to Kankurou during morning training. The aforementioned boy snorted and rolled his eyes at her in clear disbelief. This served to anger his sister, who began to storm off, even though Baki-sensei was calling her back.
"Temari," Gaara stated softly, in the same cold tone he reserved for naughty academy students in the future. She instantly froze in place; disobeying Gaara, she knew, meant instant death. She was about to start apologising profusely and he could sense Baki-sensei behind him on guard, ready to intervene, should he fly into a murderous rage.
"Your new fan suits you," he stated instead. "Have a good day."
Shukaku laughed hysterically in his head as he heard Kankurou collapse behind him and Baki's chakra spiked in surprise. Gaara instantly fixed them with the most bloodthirsty glare he could muster, and they froze as he released some killer intent.
"Goodbye, Temari," Gaara waved her off as she stared in disbelief, jaw hanging wide open. "You'll catch a fly in your mouth if you don't close it," he supplied helpfully.
Kankurou would have no clue what hit him when he would wake up the next day to Breakfast-in-bed courtesy of Gaara himself, who would make sure to threaten him with murder between every spoonful, just to be contrary.
Kakashi inspected his new students through his narrowed eye. He was not a happy bunny, and their overly innocent expressions led him to believe they had something to do with his earlier predicament.
"Right," he ground out through gritted teeth, "Let's all introduce ourselves, shall we? I am Hatake Kakashi, and I hate having my sleep interrupted. I also hate small children who don't take their job seriously," he fixed them all with a glare that could melt glaciers with its heat, but was met only with a yawn from Naruto and blank stares from Sasuke and Sakura. He sighed. "You next, blondie."
"Yosh!" Naruto jumped up to begin, eerily reminiscent of Gai in his exuberance. "My name is Uzumaki-Namikaze Naruto, I will be Hokage when I am older! I love my friends and teammates, and my hobbies are modifying jutsu, seals and indoor gardening!"
Kakashi was still so shocked by the news that Naruto seemed to know his heritage that he almost missed Sasuke's whisper to Sakura, "Yeah, no kidding - his apartment is like a bloody jungle of man-eating plants, at the head of them all, the monstrous Mr. Ukki, and his underling, Zetsu..." Kakashi quickly schooled his expression - he could just discuss Naruto's parental knowledge with the Hokage later.
Just as he was about to turn to Sakura, Naruto smiled the most disarming, genuine, caring smile Kakashi had ever seen on pretty much anyone, and winked at him. For a second, Kakashi forgot to breathe.
"Next, the female," he finally said. Sakura was more than happy to oblige, and reclined onto the steps they sat on, using her arms as a support.
"My name is Haruno Sakura. I intend to be a combat medic, and surpass Tsunade-sama herself. My dream is to one day reunite with my loves," she had a faraway look in her eyes that Kakashi decided to ignore, "and my hobby is senseless violence."
Crickets chirped. Kakashi coughed. Sasuke took the lead.
"Uchiha Sasuke. I love tomatoes. My dream is to be the future Hokage's right-hand man, with my family at my side."
Kakashi wasn't entirely sure what Sasuke meant by his last, cryptic statement, but he noted that his team were all dreaming big, and seemed completely confident in their pursuit. This somewhat abated his absolute hatred for them, enough to explain the next step to becoming his team. None of them looked surprised that he would be testing them again, he noted. 'Well, whatever,' he shrugged and Shunshin-ed home.
It was then that he noticed his whole apartment was covered in glitter.
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