LOVE IS BLIND
I slowly start to regain consciousness. It is a bit dark in here... and I am dizzy.
Where the hell am I anyway?
…
I'm lying on a soft bed; a blanket is tucked around me. My hands are bound behind my back… and my feet are also tied up tightly.
Why am I bound? And why do I have a headache? The bed is spinning – just like my head.
… Now I remember – I was captured.
Walking home from watching that movie in the cinema… and this guy jumped me. He laid his arm around my neck and wrestled me to the ground. Quite strong; and I wasn't able to hit him – he was too fast and caught me completely off guard. He must know a thing or two about fighting… would have thought my assassin skills could help me, but he put his hand over my nose and mouth. He had a wet handkerchief – it must have been soaked with ether… everything went black after that.
I wonder where he is. Why did he just leave me bound like this?
... Ah shit, he removed the buttons of my jacket... those with the tracers from Kritiker... the others wont be able to find me then.
I don't get it... this is so confusing... it doesn't make sense. And this room... it's not a normal prison cell.
Looking around I see a nicely decorated room with TV, sofa, this bed, table with two chairs. Funny – there are no windows. Just a door.
… And there is a note right here on the table next to the bed. Must be from him.
'Hello there Omi. I am sorry that I have to do this to you. But I know a couple of things about you… your "night-job" for instance. I have been watching you for quite some time, and I know what you are capable of. So I had to tie you up. I will be home about noon. Don't be afraid just because the lights go out. But you are not allowed to see me, and I will not speak to you.
If you cooperate I will untie you – and you are free to walk around, watch television, use the bathroom and the kitchen and what ever it is you wish to do.
But you have to do what I tell you.
Since you are not allowed to see me you will either wear a blindfold or I will turn out the lights.
I guess you must be curious… if there is anything you want to know – you can just ask me and I will write you a note.
I will see you later. Don't worry – If you behave I will not hurt you.'
What kind of a message is that?
'Don't worry I know your secret life and I wont hurt you…'
Who is this guy and what does he want with me. This is ridiculous, and I can do nothing but wait.
*****
It is 10 past noon, and I can hear a car stopping in front of this house.
…
And now I hear his footsteps. Silent ones… no wonder he managed to sneak up on me yesterday. I wouldn't have noticed him if I didn't knew he was coming.
Ohh this is unpleasant – what is going to happen? I can feel the adrenaline pump in my veins, and pearls of sweat starts forming on my forehead.
Here goes the lights; totally darkness now, just as he wrote. I can't see a thing – but I can hear the door being unlocked. He is stepping inside.
This is creepy, I can't see him I can't hear him… what is he doing? My heart is pounding. Is he just standing there… what does he want?
I can feel the bed shift as he sits down right next to me. Out of instinct I try to move as far away from him as possible… and I fall of the bed.
All tangled up in my sheets I try to roll away from him. But he is already standing right beside me. Pulling me back onto the bed.
Warm hands; he is not being rough in any way... oh God, please.
My heart is beating so hard that my chest hurts now, as he slowly ruffles my hair… but doing nothing more than that. He is letting me calm down. I try to breathe normally, but that is just impossible. I don't want to show my fear but I know it is obvious.
He is not hitting me; he's not caressing me either… so he really doesn't want to hurt me? HA! That would be the first friendly kidnapper I've ever met, and I've met a few. He just wants me to calm down before he starts torturing me. I know all the tricks...
... Wait a minute he really is releasing me – he is removing the ropes from my wrists.
Why is he doing this if he knows I'm an assassin and knows my strength?
Well. - Just have to wait – and then knee him in the gut and run for the door – I know where it is… just a little more – my arms are free and…
AHH SHIT! Ok that was too obvious – what have I learned from Persia about waiting for the right moment. Let HIM think I will cooperate and THEN attack.
Well it's too late for that now; he is securing my wrists once again – tighter this time. And what now? Is he going to lose his temper and beat me? What is he doing? He is walking across the room…
…
He is writing another note; I can hear his scribbling pen.
He stops, and his silent footsteps... he is coming towards me, and stops right in front of the bed. He places the note right next to me and… he is leaving the room.
There – the lights are on again... Is he just waiting outside the door for me to read it?
Well let's see what that bastard writes.
'Look I told you to behave. I know you are angry with me for taking your freedom – but I am offering you to walk free around the house and do what ever you want to in stead of being tied to a bed all day – now what do you prefer?
And when I set you free!!! You can forget all about getting out – I know what you can do and I made sure you can't get away unless I let you go… and I will eventually… if you are nice.
So please relax – I wont hurt you. I will let you go and I will come back later at about 10 pm.'
Ok… this is weird. What's his plot? I simply can't look through his behaviour.
He is knocking.
"Yes I agree!" I hear myself shout at him… and the lights are turned off once again.
This time I'd better stay still.
*****
I can hear his car; he must be back.
He did as he wrote and left me to my confusing thoughts and myself…
I have been trying all day long to figure out what he wants from me. And I have tried to find a way out… but he was right about that too. I cannot get out. There is no door... next to this room is a small hallway which leads to the bathroom... but that's it... there are no other doors – I don't know how the hell he gets in… but there must be a secret one somewhere. And he cleaned the house… meaning there are absolutely no knives or other sharp objects I could use to defend myself with. Very clever – he really thought this one through.
Anyway it was nice to get out of the bindings and walk around. My body is a bit soar. I hate being bound – no way you can defend yourself; it's annoying both physically and mentally. This helplessness is terrible.
I tried to think about something else, my headache only got worse when I tried to figure things out. I have watched anime all day, and I made myself a sandwich. I just have to empty my head – I can't get a hold of my thoughts anyway.
… Now I hear him – he is coming closer to the room. And the lights are off – as the TV. It is pitch black as he enters, and locks the door.
I start to shiver again. It still scares me that I don't know where he is, I don't know if he has a gun or anything… he is so mysterious and it drives me nuts that I have no control over this situation. Even now after he untied me I am still completely at his mercy.
I have no pleasant memories from experiences where I was at somebody else' mercy.
If he beats me I could beat back – true… but I wouldn't be able to gain the upper hand though... But what would be the point of fighting him if I don't know how to get out?
...
He is lightly grabbing my shoulder and I jerk away by reflex. He is standing right in front of me; I can feel his warmth.
He gently places the other hand on my other shoulder and waits for me to catch my breath. He knows I am afraid.
They always take some kind of sick pleasure in driving you insane with fright, but this guy... he doesn't seem to want to scare me... he would be more rough then.
He slowly pulls me of the chair and leads me to the bed.
Shit, that's it – he is going to rape me. Yes, he is pushing me down, starting to tie me up again – arms behind my back…
I try to fight back, but he has everything under control. I can't trick this guy – he is way to fast and he has got the upper hand.
Oh God please, no! That's why he's so weird.
Now his light warm touch feels like it's burning, it makes me sick.
"No!" I moan. "Please don't..."
Wait a minute… he is also tying my feet together. He can't rape me like this - I don't understand.
He is getting undressed… but I can hear that he is putting on something too – a pyjamas?
My breath is ragged, I can't calm down – I don't get it, what is he planning?
Now he is lying down right next to me, pulling the blanket over me.
So he isn't going to rape me... What a relief. Thank God!
But he is giving me a kiss on my forehead… I jerk away instantly. To my surprise he pulls back as he realises that I am uncomfortable with it…
This is a mystery to me. Why is he doing this… and why is he treating me like this. Is it a trick?
*****
I haven't been able to sleep. Not even when he fell asleep, I was far to tense. I listened to his soft breathing… and after half an hour he did fall asleep. He snored a bit… but that didn't matter much, I couldn't sleep anyway.
Lying so close to this stranger, not being able to get away.
My head is spinning with thoughts about what will become of me, what is he planning?
Maybe I should just ask him… he wrote that I could ask him.
But I won't wake him up; I will wait. I don't dare to wake him up.
….
Is he going to sleep forever? I don't even know how late it is – I can't see a thing, and the clocks are all down with the light. But I can hear the birds outside. It must be morning.
…
Ahh finally. He is awake. Should I ask him… or should I wait?
He is yawning while ruffling my hair. Is it some kind of good-morning greeting? Well, he doesn't seem to be cranky. Must have slept better than me anyway.
And he is stretching... lucky bastard, isn't tied up in a cramped position.
I gather my courage while he gathers his clothes.
"What are you going to do with me?" I ask silently – barely a whisper. I wanted it to sound more confident, but my voice is shaking.
He stops, and ruffles my hair again, then walks to the table. I can hear he is starting on a new note.
"And why did you have to bind me? I didn't do anything."
He walks over to me, even though I know he is right there in front of me – his touch manages to shock me. He starts untying me and leaves. Then the lights are back on.
´Well I thought you wouldn't be too happy about spending the night in bed with me – and I'm sorry I pushed you, I shouldn't have kissed you, it's too early. I will not touch you anymore unless you want me to.
If you promise not to touch my face while I sleep, I will let you sleep without the ropes.
What I am going to do to you… ehm – nothing really, I just want to spent time with you and get to know you. I am very impressed that you have managed to get a life after all the stuff you have been through, even though your past sometimes comes back to haunt you.
By the way, I would like you to write a letter to your friends. Tell them how you feel, that you are not hurt, and that I have no intention of hurting you if they don't come looking for you. I will let you go eventually… when we have got to know each other better.
Just make sure they do not worry. You can write them as often you like, I will post the letters.
I'll see you later, about 6 pm. tonight… I will make some dinner when I get home.'
*****
We're eating, and I am having my problems since he made me put on a blindfold. But it tastes good. He is an excellent cook.
It feels odd to sit with this guy and actually enjoy a meal. I am a bit calmer, even though I still don't know what is going on; I am pretty sure he won't hurt me unless I do something stupid.
...
I wrote a letter to my friends, telling them not to worry – and promised to write often to tell them how I am doing. And I told them not to come looking for me. All the things my kidnapper told me to. I also wrote a couple of sentences about work mentioning some flowers… white chrysanthemum, pink camellia, hawthorn, fennel virginia creeper and geranium-oak... it's our special code-language; each flower has its special meaning. I just wanted to let them know that I really am ok, that I am telling the truth and that I love them very much.
I never thought it was possible to write a letter; saying you're fine and be honest about it, when you write it in captivity.
I am getting more and more curios. Who is he? It seems that he knows a lot about me. So while we eat and listen to the TV I start asking him about things. It is quite annoying that I have to wait for my answers. I ask him about what he does when he leaves me, if he has a job. If he has a family… and I start to talk about my own family – Weiss. Since he already knows about us being assassins I talk about each one. Personal things – funny stuff.
Like the time Yoji invited a good looking babe to his room, doing… what ever they did, and then suddenly she runs out the door, not wearing anything at all. Screaming at Yoji. He smoked in bed and it caught fire.
Like when Ken flirted with a girl in the shop… he never does that – not anymore anyway… since it turned out that she was hot and jumped him. She stripped and tried to get his clothes of too – until we finally with combined powers got her out, and got Ken up… too bad he landed in a cactus when she jumped him.
It helps me to feel a bit more comfortable to just talk about these small things.
I think my captor is amused – he is listening patiently. It is nice to be able to just talk without being interrupted by Yoji's jokes. And it feels good to sit and talk freely, instead of... just sit... the silence can be so unpleasant when you don't know the guy next to you.
…
He is taking the dishes. He gently lays a hand on my shoulder… I am just supposed to sit back. His touch doesn't scare me as much now as yesterday, but still I feel a bit awkward.
…
He is finished and sits down in front of me again.
"It was a nice meal."
…
He takes my hand.
…
He has been listening to stories about my friends for at least an hour now… I guess he is waiting to hear things about me.
He is squeezing my hand, and then he lets go. I guess he can sense that I feel uneasy about it. He is writing something. I can hear his pen scribbling again.
He takes his time... he is sighing. This is kind of odd.
Now he is getting up – leaving the room.
… So now I can remove my blindfold, and read the note.
'Sorry – I promised not to touch you unless you wanted it. I guess you need some space.
I am happy that you speak freely. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, so please go on.
Is it really true that Aya watches anime when nobody is looking? I find that very funny – who would have thought that about the eternally cold leader of Weiss?
… But I miss one thing… You.
You can ask me whatever you want. And maybe I should start out by telling a bit about myself.
Here we go:
One of the reasons I admire you is that you have been able to stay upright even though you have been through hell. I don't know all the details, but I know that you had a bad childhood and that is the reason you became an assassin.
I had a very abusive father – he was an alcoholic. My mother died when I was 5, and my dad was furious. He started beating my brother and me. I thought it was my fault she died… I blamed myself, and so did my father… he made me feel guilty, and he punished me and my brother to forget his own grief.
I often had to provoke my dad to keep him from beating my younger brother. But he did beat him, either when I wasn't at home or after he beat me – sometimes I was to tired to even get off the floor though I could hear my brother crying…
And one-day… dad beat him too much. I got home from shoplifting… and I found him on the floor – bleeding…
He died at the hospital later the same day, and I ran away from home. It was a Saturday, and it was raining, I remember it all. It was cold and windy.
I Grew up in the streets. It wasn't easy. I was different and everybody was after me. I got so bitter, I ended up in the wrong environment – got the wrong "friends" and I got violent.
Let's face it! I have been a real bastard and hurt many people… but when I first saw you… I guess I envied you. I couldn't grasp how you managed to get along. I think I can learn a lot from you.
I have realised that hurting others doesn't help you… so I want to change.'
… Well… this is… unexpected. I don't even know what I did expect, but this wasn't in my mind...
I can hear that he is taking a shower. I get up and walk to the bed, and sit down. This is heavy; I don't know how to feel about this. He is my captor... he stole my freedom, I am supposed to hate him... I guess. But... he is so friendly, thinks about what I want, and he is opening up. I don't think he is lying... I can feel it. And his sighing while he wrote the letter – he was crying.
…
He brought home a pyjama for me, better put it on while he is still in the bathroom.
…
He knocks on the door, and I let him know that I am wearing the blindfold. He enters and sits down next to me on the bed.
"Well… I don't know what to say… I feel sorry for you. My childhood seems so happy compared to yours. I… I don't know how much you know about my childhood… but it was actually quite happy – until I was kidnapped that is, and… my father wouldn't pay the ransom…"
I desperately try to swallow the lump in my throat. Those memories are so painful.
"He… he didn't want to pay… and my brother he didn't care about me, when we met years later… he just wanted to know who I worked for. He even got father's bodyguard to kidnap me… and he… he…"
I start to sob. This is odd. Aya told me I wasn't a Takatori… and we never talked about it since. And now I sit here and I start babbling to this complete stranger who holds me captive... And I start crying in front of him.
He is putting his arm around me, and I let him. I start speaking faster between my sobs. It is actually the first time I am allowed to just get it out. I haven't even talked to Ken about this. I don't want to bother anyone… they all have their own problems to cope with… they don't need mine.
"Hirofumi beat me - he went on and on. I begged him to stop and tried to find the brother he once was… but he didn't care."
He squeezes me tight. And I let myself melt into his embrace. Never had the possibility to just talk.
"I don't even remember much, I only have a few memories… running and playing."
I let go of myself and let him comfort me… I don't really care anymore. It just feels good to get it out – it doesn't matter who is listening.
"And the kidnappers… they were dressed in black. They bound me, and hit me, and my father didn't want to help me… I begged him. I was crying, and afraid. And they just laughed at me. And the big guy said that dad didn't want to pay and… and… and he…"
It is almost impossible to say it, I never told anybody after I regained my memories. It haunted me in my dreams… and it still does sometimes… still I didn't tell anybody this little detail… I don't even think Persia knew.
"And he… he started ripping at my clothes, removing it along with his own… the others mirrored him… and they… they…"
I can't say it. I just cry. Fifteen minutes ago I was laughing at the stories about Ken's pink underwear… and now I am crying my eyes out in front of my captor… telling him about how I was raped by other kidnappers about 10 years ago. I never thought I would tell anybody. I felt so humiliated back then... I didn't want anybody to look down at me.
I can't say anything… I am just crying now. And he is sitting there rocking me slowly in his arms. I just want to sit like this and cry all night. He smells so nice, his hair is still wet and I am soaking his pyjamas with my tears… but he doesn't seem to care… he only cares for me.
*****
I wake up. It feels so good. I am lying on my stomach and someone is giving me a massage. I am stiff and sore; it feels like I slept in a bad position… it feels like I have been sitting up all night.
Oh - I did sit up all night. I fell asleep in his arms. My whole body just feels tired, but he is doing a good job, all my tensions are being treated.
First I dine with him, then I cry with him and now he is... this is way out.
"Mhhh a little higher… YES ahhh."
I can smell that he prepared breakfast… ah this is just too good to be true.
Though I relived some of the worst things of my life last night… I just feel so nice. Like starting a new. The day is bright… well I don't know since I am still wearing a blindfold, and there are no windows… but the birds are out there somewhere, and I feel like flying. So light.
I guess I should have talked to someone about my past earlier. Manx told me to go to one of Kritikers psychiatrists... but I just thought I could handle things myself.
...
He stops.
"Aw, it was so nice…"
He just taps me on my head and walks across the room, he gives me a note and goes to the bathroom.
He must have been up early; he prepared food, and wrote me a long message.
'I hope you feel better now, I haven't talked to that many people about my past, but I've learned that friends are important – they can help you. Earlier in my life I didn't have any friends… only allies from time to time. But I found a little group of boys eventually, who also had a rough life behind them.
We did a lot together and helped each other – we even worked together… but you are the first person whom I ever told I had a brother… I tried to forget about him, forget that he ever was a part of my life… the pain was too great… I guess you did the same thing until the past came back to you in your dreams. It just isn't possible to run away. Those bad memories are like shadows... no matter how far you run they are always there.
But I don't want to rip the wound open again right now… I also have happy memories, and I would like to hear some of yours too.
I hope we can share more memories, and thereby help each other. I feel a lot better today after I told you about my past.
...I was thinking - if you are interested I can get some gear – and you can video record a tape for your friends. Letters can be manipulated… and they might not be sure about if I made you write that I wouldn't harm you… If they see it with their own eyes they will probably be happier. And I have given them an email address. You are free to use the computer and you can chat with them, and they can send you letters.
I have an errand and I will be leaving in an hour… you have the day to yourself… I'll be home at 3 pm.'
*****
'Dear diary.
This is the first day I write you… I got you as a present along with a big bouquet of freesia.
He is often bringing me presents… just small things. A couple of games for the computer… and a dart-game – no normal kidnapper would dare to do that if he knew what I am capable of doing with darts… but I do not intend to use them against him… I am far too curious to get to know more about him.
We are getting along well, even though it can be boring from time to time to just sit here. But he is doing his best to give me excitement.
It is like we have been friends for a long time… odd thing since I don't even know his name and he refuses to tell me… he says/writes that he will tell me some day.
We are "talking" about a lot of things. Justice, religion, politics and other big subjects but also small stories and jokes… funny - our "relationship" is definitely not normal.
He sleeps with his arm around me, but he doesn't kiss me goodnight… he hasn't done that since the first time… he does respect that I have different feelings for him than he has for me. I need some space between us... and maybe he needs it too. This is an odd experience for both of us.
I know he is in love with me… it is pretty obvious. I didn't mention it… but I think he knows that I know. And he is just happy to be with me – even though I don't want to be more than friends.
I haven't asked him to let me go, simply because I want to stay a bit longer… I don't know what I am searching for – but I want to know more… about him… and maybe about myself.
There are so many assets of him – just when I think I know him… he tells me something completely unexpected. He really is a fascinating personality… he refuses to tell me much about what he did… the "bad things" - I guess he is ashamed of it… and I don't want to push the subject. He can tell me when he is ready. Just like there are things I will not tell him yet.
He says that I am some sort of an idol, he wants to be more like me… and the better he gets to know about me… the more he wants to change about himself. I feel good about it. Like I am showing him where to go. I never thought I could show somebody else the right path... I mean all the killing and stuff... I always felt ashamed of myself. I know I am only killing the bad guys... but still I feel bad. it helps talking about that too. I never wanted to talk with the others about it – I didn't want to make them feel bad too. When you are standing in front of your target it can be fatal to hesitate.
...
He says he has his own business, and that he stopped the violent carrier on the street after he started observing me.
I write the others everyday… I think they have found out that they have to wait. At first they weren't happy – they thought he was tricking me… but they have accepted the facts and they say they miss me a lot, and hope that I will return soon to help them in the shop. All the girls think that I am studying in America.
I am allowed to use the computer to find information for their missions... the others are lost with computers. But they only had 1 mission they needed help with since I was kidnapped. I guess it is Manx who is giving them less missions until I return and the group is at full force again.
Yeah – somehow I miss them too, and my old life, it's not like this surfing the net and watching the telly is challenging me in anyway. So I talked my "captor" into letting me get some books so that I can read and study, and he also gave me a phone – so that I can speak to the others in person.
He gave me a lot of things really… but the greatest gift is this experience. I think I have matured, I have finally found the courage to think about my past instead of pushing it away letting it eat me from inside. Now I have much more energy. I feel like I can handle everything. And I found my pride. I don't have to run anymore.
I am so thankful for the things I found. I got to know myself better, I found out things about myself I didn't even know.
Sometimes we don't even talk… we just sit together and enjoy the silence and each other's company… you know the best friends in the world are the ones in whose company you can be quiet. In the beginning silence was embarrassing.
And this is the reason why I choose not to go home… I want to discover more; I don't want to stop now… there are still things I need to cope with. Still wounds to heal – lots of guilt, and he wants to help me. I am taking his offer; maybe I can help him too.
And the others say they understand. I am much more honest with them now. They knew I wasn't telling them everything… that I didn't want to bother them… but they didn't want to push me either… they are happy that I finally got over the kidnapping 10 years ago - and I haven't had a single nightmare since I started dealing with the memories. They used to haunt me at least twice a week.
I hear his car… write you later.
Omi'
*****
"I had a girlfriend once… or… she wasn't actually my girlfriend, we were just friends… but she loved me. I just felt good in her company even though she was irritating sometimes.
She loved me; I know… but – it wasn't meant to be… We were siblings."
He is putting his arm around my waist. Nice - I need comfort – this is hard to talk about. But he is always so patient. Just letting me talk, that's what I need. His warmth is making me feel comfortable.
"She was Takatori Reiji's daughter – and… Schuldich played a game with us." Deep breathe.
"It was just after; Aya forgave me for being a Takatori by telling me I wasn't - I was Omi Tsukiyono, but one thing is what you feel… another is the biological aspect. Ouka had the same blood in our veins, and... and it spilled."
I stop to catch my breath, it is so hard – it hurts, but he is giving me a hug – and I continue.
"I don't think I really loved her… but I liked her. Schuldich said I loved her, but I just had strong feelings. She was the first person aside from Ken, Aya and Yoji, who didn't just see me as a sex object. It wasn't only that I was good looking… she liked me for who I am, and she wanted to help me, and get to know me better. I think she knew there was more behind it than just Omi from school... No-one ever talked with me like she did… and just as everything seemed like it would be alright… they…"
I feel the tears in my eyes, and I squeeze them shot.
"They shot her, right there in my arms… she died… she … they, oh God."
I swallow hard, but the lump in my throat doesn't go away.
"I never got to know her the way I wanted to, it went so fast, and she died and… Farfarello he, and Schuldich…"
I cry now – I am starting to get angry.
"They just did it for fun! They enjoyed hurting me… us… all of us. To them it was just a game. I never really had the courage to find someone to love, it's like I am afraid that they get involved in my job, and get killed. And…"
He is kissing me… I am taken a bit off guard here in the middle of my anger and grief.
He is just kissing… and I kiss him back for some to me unknown reason... is this what I want?
He is hugging me, nuzzling the back of my neck… I know what he is trying to do… but the odd thing is that I don't mind. I want to feel his touch. This is the first time I don't just jerk back… I just follow him and start caressing his smooth body too.
No talking... it's like it doesn't matter right now – it can wait. This is new, and I need to investigate this new feeling growing inside me. Bobbling from my stomach.
He is still not taking his clothes of… Is he waiting for my permission?
"It's ok…"
He is kissing me again, and he holds me tight.
I start to remove my pyjamas… this is odd, why am I not rejecting him? He's a guy, his my friend; my captor…
I don't care. I want him.
He has removed his shirt now. Tracing soft kisses down along my neck, further down. Oh, what I wouldn't give to lose the blindfold and look into his eyes.
I am so nervous. I like the kissing… but I don't know about the part that comes afterwards… I never had any happy experiences.
I think he can sense my uncertainty; he is slowing down.
"I never… I am afraid." I whisper.
I only remember the pain and the humiliation from when I was molested as a child… I don't even know what to do. Oh, this could end up being really embarrassing for me.
He is giving me another kiss. Oh I wish he would say something.
"Please be gentle… I don't..."
He is just taking it step by step – making me feel comfortable with each one before taking the next.
*****
'Dear diary.
I never felt so good in my whole life.
I think I have finally got things under control. I have a good grip on my life. I am beginning to think about the future… earlier I just took one day at a time. My facade as the eternally happy Omi is gone… Now it is not a facade, now I really have the energy to be happy. Not just do as if to help the others.
I am still talking to them every day. They had a hard time getting used to the idea that I wanted to stay in spite of the fact that I had the possibility to return. He told me I was free to go, just say when and he would let me out.
And I don't know how they will react when I tell them that he is no longer my captor but my lover.
We have been taking the shower together, sleeping together for weeks now (not JUST sleeping)… but I don't know how to tell the others. It seems like they can feel that I am much more joyful, after meeting him and dealing with my past (and falling in love with him, which they don't know). They are looking forward to seeing me again. We agreed to look at this as a vacation I took to mature and find my identity.
I can feel that he too is happier. We have talked about his past a couple of times… but it seems to me that he is picking out the facts he gives me… he is very ashamed of his past and I can sense that he had a harder time than I had, so I guess it is harder for him to start talking than it is for me. But he is very happy to get it out, and we help each other a lot. It still bothers me that he wont talk to me. But maybe he can't talk! I thought about it. He can moan and snore… in fact he can snore very loud. ^___^
And I wonder what he looks like. I can feel that his body is trained and muscular… but his face. Well it doesn't matter much. I know I love him – and I don't care how he looks.
We have been lovers for weeks; I intend to keep my relationship with him no matter what. He is so thoughtful and considerate. He even lets me have the control in bed, and we kind of take turns in being the one who has to stand up eating breakfast.
I am thinking about asking him permission to get home soon. I am growing a bit tired of being home alone – I'm getting restless. He is now doing most his work at the computer in the house, but then I can't even watch TV.
And I miss the sun, the birds, the flowers and my outdoor life.
He and the others arranged to send flowers to a certain address, he picks them up and gives them to me… isn't that sweet? But still; I miss other's company, miss SEEING other people.
Even though my friends are still not totally accepting the fact that my kidnapper is turning into my friend… I guess they are happy for me because I finally got a hold of my life. And they said they have already forgiven him for taking me away from them, as long as he is treating me nicely. And they said they were also excited about meeting him soon.
I am not planning to leave him. I will still visit him, or maybe move here and just go to work at the flower shop, and go to school… and start helping the others with missions again… not only providing information but take physical part in them.
We had our "conversations" about justice and we agreed that I was doing the right thing. And that I should continue even though it troubles him that it is dangerous.
He made me feel better about it – the killing. He convinced me that it is necessary. All those people who deserve to be punished, but can't be prosecuted the normal way. Not all people have the guts to change, and many don't want to change like my captor/friend/lover did, and it is not fair to let them ruin hundred of other people's lives.
…
Maybe he can move in with us… I don't know… and I don't care as long as we will still be together.
I love him; I really do, though it is nice to be able to get rid of the blindfold when he is out… I long for him to get home. To feel him ruffle my hair and kiss me. To hear him humming and whistling, to sit and talk to him. Reading his funny notes, looking at his drawings. To discuss the news and the missions Weiss has been on last night.
It is funny to wear a blindfold in bed… we have our games exploring each other… he tells me his eyes are closed or he is wearing a blindfold too during the games… but I can't check him.
Write you later.
Omi'
*****
"Wow… that was good… now who is going to sleep on the wet spot?"
He is ruffling my hair, and pulls me into a hug, closer to him and his side of the bed.
"Dear? I was thinking about… getting back…"
He stops kissing me. Ohh I hope he isn't too disappointed.
"I miss the others… and I miss having a real conversation, sitting in the park eating ice cream... you know; things like that."
He is just listening… might as well get it over with.
"I am not leaving you… I want you to be a part of my new life. A big part. I just have to tell the others how deep our friendship really is… and I was wondering if we could move in together…"
A kiss to my forehead – that always means that he agrees with me.
"I love you and I don't want to stop seeing you… and I would like to actually see you… when may I take of the blindfold?"
He is turning me over… and removing the blindfold? I can't believe he is just doing that… no big discussion or anything.
I turn around, better be prepared for a bad sight.
"SCHULDICH?!?"
I am just staring at him my mouth wide open as the fact sinks in. This can't be, I don't believe it. I wont believe it.
"You… you…"
"Now Omi take it easy! I knew you would react like this… that's the reason I made you wear the blindfold… you couldn't love me if you knew who I was…"
"I DON'T LOVE YOU! I HATE YOU…"
"And we just made love and you told me you loved me too…"
…Well what do you answer to that? My mind is a mess, all these feelings mixed up in a screwed bowl of deceit... this is not the guy I want to share my life with... it's someone else. He is not the friend I was talking to a second ago – this is Schuldich... it's too much.
"YOU TRICKED ME, you bastard… I can't possibly love you after what you did to me... after Ouka… OH my GOD you made love to me right after I told you…" He used me! He used my feelings against myself to get me into the sack. That was what he wanted the hole time. How ironic.
"Please Omi calm down."
He is trying to embrace me but I move away from him disgusted.
"Calm down?" I can't believe he just said that... what is the bastard expecting? My whole world just came crashing down on me...
"Omi…" he is looking sad. "I've changed. I didn't want you to recognise me… you hate the old Schuldich… but he was just a facade. We talked about that two days ago. I build up a facade to protect myself… but the things I did disgusted myself… I just didn't know what else to do, so I kept on hurting people… it felt good to see others suffer because I forgot my own painful problems…"
"You've been using me… do you have any idea how much this hurts me?" what am I saying... he doesn't care anyway... but the look in his face...
"Look if I wanted to use your body I could just have kept you bound to the bed and raped you."
... He's got a point there... but still.
"I'm sorry Omi, I really am. I hurt you so much in the past - but I didn't understand how you could keep on living, and you became my favourite victim… I tried to break you… you really did fascinate me; I found out that there was another way to deal with life. You could help others in stead of hurting them…"
I just sit and look at him – trying to figure out what is going on… was this all just a trick, is he playing one of his games? He really does look sad.
"I really am sorry for what I did to you…and I know you will never be able to forget it, but I hope you can forgive me someday…"
"NEVER! Do you hear me… you ruined my life, made it even worse than it was and…"
"And when I realised that, after I tried to break you without luck, I found out that I had to help you – to make it up to you. Help you get upright again. I didn't want you to become as downhearted as I was… I realised that I didn't just admire your strength… I had even stronger feelings… and…"
"You used me… you have been controlling my brain since…" I start crying. Suddenly my love falls apart… and I sink down into the darkness I recently escaped.
He is still trying to hug me and I roll over trying to get out of the bed. But he grabs me and holds me down; he is lying on top of me to prevent me from leaving.
"Let me go!" I sob angrily and I start writhing and wrenching to get away. I don't want to touch him. I am so angry with him... but still, I'm also sad. Minutes ago life seemed so bright.
"Let go!"
"No Omi, I can't. I really do love you… and I didn't control you… you can feel it when I enter your mind, I haven't done that, I wanted you to love me – for real."
"I have poured my heart out to you… been telling you about my deepest feelings and secrets, and the tragedy of my life… and you knew all of it… I told you about the time you kidnapped me and…"
"Omi the reason I didn't tell you much about my own past was not only to prevent you from figuring out who I was… I just couldn't do it. I felt so low – you can't imagine how hard it was to sit and listen when you told me how much the old Schuldich hurt you… The only way I could make it up to you was to help you get…"
"Shut up!" I can't listen to this; I can't get a hold of my thoughts. He is saying the words I want to hear... but Schuldich is not the person I want to hear them from... it's my friend who should say it... the person I just made love to, the one I love, the one I spent all my time with, the one who saved me... I can't accept the same words from the person who is lying on top of me right now.
"Omi I love you…"
Oh please shut up, I can't bear to hear this; my head is spinning...
"If you love me, you let me go now."
"Omi if that is what you want I will let you go… I only want you to be happy… I really do… but please reconsider. Do you really want to give up on this? I mean, our relationship…"
"You sound like a bad Hollywood-movie!"
"But it's true Omi, and you know it."
... "I can't have a relationship with you… after what you did to Weiss and…"
"Omi please, we have been living together, sleeping together, sharing memories… You have been telling me every night that you loved me… and I wrote you… and we have something here…"
"NO! Schuldich, we didn't have anything… you pulled my strings I…"
"Omi, stop denying it…"
"But I can't… I just can't love you…"
"But you do! I know you hate the old Schuldich… but I changed, Schuldich is gone with his past. I have started a new life. The one with you, I had to make you love me… the new me… you only knew the bitter and hateful guy from Schwarz… but you did fall in love with me…"
He is repeating himself… and he is right – in a way… but I can't just forgive him like that… he just made a fool out of me, he played the greatest game of his life on me. I don't even know what I want right now...
"I can't…" I start crying, and he is moving away – but I don't move I just stay in bed sobbing into the pillow.
"Omi – please don't cry, or I'll start too…"
…
I just cry and he is sitting beside me caressing my hair. I can hear him breathing fast.
"Do you really want to give up on this?" he is whispering... his voice is shaky too.
"…" I can't answer to this, I look up at him, his eyes are sad and shiny, he is looking down at me – waiting for my answer.
"You still love me – and I love you."
"How can you love a telepath? You will know what I buy for your birthday… if I think you are a bastard one day… you will know…" why am I saying this? That wasn't what I wanted to answer... I wanted to tell him off... why can't I just stay angry and leave him?
"Omi I just told you I can't enter your mind without you knowing of it… and I wouldn't want to do that… I didn't read your letters either. And if you knew how much I wanted to check how you felt about me… but I didn't. I wanted you to set the tempo – so I didn't put the feelings and thoughts into your head…"
He is sighing. Looking away from me now, taking a deep breath.
"Omi if you don't love me… or want to leave I understand… I just want you to do what you think is best. You are free to go. I'll show you the secret passage."
"No…" I sob. "I don't want to leave… I don't know what I want… everything seemed so bright a minute ago, and now I just can't figure out what to do."
I sit up in bed and close my eyes. I want it to be like when I didn't know his name. It is easier to seek his arms when I can't see the face which I link to Ouka's death and so much more.
He kisses me. I snuggle up against him holding him tight… I don't want to let go.
"Omi, I want you to go back, I want to see you shine in competition with the sun, and I want to see you sit in the park, and want you to arrange flowers… and punish all the people who deserve it. And if you feel I still deserve a punishment too – you can just leave me and I won't blame you."
"No I want to be with you… to sit in the park with you, and eat breakfast with you… the 'you' I lived with for the past months... but I need some time to clear my thoughts." I can't believe I just said that, I am practically forgiving him. My feelings are so ambivalent.
I am disappointed, and sad, and angry – I think he is a mean bastard... but still I love him...
..."I understand that you need time. And God knows I did so many things in my past; and I can't change it all. But I am happy that I did manage to change one of my wrongs into right."
"… Me?"
He just kisses me, and I hug him. I don't want to let go, and I don't want to open my eyes. It is so much easier when I don't have to look at him – look at the situation and the facts.
I am angry… with him… and with myself for still blaming him. I love him, and I have told him earlier that he deserves forgiveness for the things he did in his past, because he dedicated his life to change and help… just like Weiss does.
And I hate myself for making a difference just because I found out I was one of his victims. I told him that it didn't matter who he hurt - just as long as he was strong enough to change in spite of all the shit he had been through himself. What makes the difference is that he decided to take the hard way and change… This is double standard, why can't I be objective?
"I am not leaving without you."
"Omi… you don't have to do that if you don't feel right about it…"
"I do. I can't just leave this behind…"
He is kissing me... and I open my eyes.
"I love you Omi."
"I love you too." ... I said it without thinking about it first. I am fighting inside. I hate the old Schuldich so much it is hard to look at him with new eyes even though I love him...
We sit in silence and think to ourselves. Just enjoying each other's embrace as usual.
"I love you..." I whisper silently while I let my tears run freely soaking his shirt. "I love you..." the more I say it, the more it seems right to me, the warmth is growing in my chest and I feel a heavy load fall from my heart. "I love you!"
"I love you too, from the bottom of my heart." He squeezes me so tight it almost hurts.
...
Time passes, and we just sit, I don't know how long time we just sit and rock back and forth. It feels right, even though my eyes aren't closed. We look at each other, and I try to get used to the thought of waking up with this guy next to me as my lover.
It feels weird, but deep inside I know it's right. We keep on repeating these three words: "I love you." And it is true I realise slowly, it took months to realise it when I didn't know his name... right now I am discovering it all again – thinking of all the things we did, and talked about...
...
I take a deep breath; look into his eyes... and I kiss him
"Just one problem left then." I say smiling at him.
"What is that?" he looks a bit concerned.
"Now you have to meet the 'parents'… I don't know if the others will accept it as easily as I did." I say with a smile on my lips... I just feel like I have to break the ice...
"They will – eventually… I hope." He says and looks away... I don't know if he believes that himself... it didn't sound very convincing.
He is smiling at me now. I never thought I should see a friendly and loving smile on the face of this guy… but this one is not mocking or evil or anything… just happy… kind of like the one I wear.
"They love you too, and they will accept your decision… but maybe I shouldn't be there when you discuss it with them."
"Guess you are right." It is a bit sad to think about it. They told me they were looking forward to meting my captor/friend... but I don't think they are going to be very happy to meet him. They don't love him... so they will have a rough time getting used to the idea.
…
"Everything is settled then?"
"Guess so."
"Then start packing, I'll show you the door." He is reluctantly releasing his hug.
"I think we'd better part for a couple of days until they settle down and accept the news… I don't want you to come over and get killed by a protective Aya who hasn't quite settled with my decision."
"Shall we meet somewhere on Saturday then?" he looks at me with a hopeful smile.
"Let's meet in the park and eat ice cream." I don't want to let go either, but I release him eventually.
He merely smiles and ruffles my hair. "Deal! We still have a lot to talk about."
He gives me a kiss then gets of bed and starts to look for his clothes.
"Then get dressed – I'll drive you home…"
"Aw do I have to?" I ask teasingly, starting to caress his back. Odd to do this while looking at him, I dreamed of this so many times since we started being lovers... now it's just different... but nice, even though I expected it to be differently.
"Well if you want to surprise them with the news of your lover, I strongly suggest that you put some clothes on… or it will seem pretty obvious… if you know what I mean."
Same old tease as before I lost the blindfold. Sophisticated as always, and now I see the smile on his lips.
"You don't have to take me home right now…"
He looks at me with a certain twinkle in his eye.
"What are you suggesting?"
I pull him back onto the bed and remove his t-shirt.
"You are the telepath - you figure it out!"
END