Alfred studied the man across the table from him. Crystal blue eyes behind dark rimmed reading glasses, blond hair perfectly slicked back, pale skin with dark circles beneath the eyes. Alfred felt bad, he really did. Ludwig had awoken very early this morning, around three a.m., shaking like crazy. This makes it every night these past two weeks, and he had done what he does every time, locks himself in the bathroom for a few hours and then prepares for the day as if all is fine. Alfred could tell that the lack of sleep was taking its toll on the older man, he watches as he turned the page of the newspaper that he was reading. Alfred wasn't sure what to do. Ludwig obviously wanted to handle whatever was going on alone, but he couldn't let him suffer like that. The reading eyes left the page and caught the other's gaze, so Al returned his concentration to his bowl of cereal. He wished the German would open up to him, but the man was so private. Alfred had an idea of what was bothering him, not many nations live without nightmares, flashbacks, or terrors. The knowledge that they were normal and common didn't make them any less terrifying or upsetting though. More than once the strong man had held Alfred through a particularly nasty flashback or nightmare. He knew they could happen out of the blue, start from a mental trigger, or occur as the unconscious gift of stress. The German that he shared his life with had plenty of stress, and plenty of bad memories to revisit. However, unlike the American, he hid it away so not to worry others. He felt that he should be strong enough to conquer his own mind, if nothing else. Alfred looked up to see that Ludwig had set the paper down and was now looking at him, waiting for his attention.
A: Um, did ya need something Lutz?
L: Did you?
Okay, so maybe he was staring for too long. He couldn't invade his lover's privacy, when a strong front was the man's biggest source of pride.
A: You looked tired is all, are you feeling alright?
A faint blush tinted the ivory cheeks. The pale eyes fell to the table, unable to properly respond to the concern right away. The American pretended he didn't notice.
L: Ja, I'm fine. Don't worry about me liebe.
This hurt a little. They've been together for several years and Ludwig still doesn't seem to trust Alfred with his 'weak side'. Alfred slid his hand across the table and set it atop one of Ludwig's, which turned over to hold the smaller one above his own. Cerulean met aqua, and the two shared a moment.
A: You know I will. If you need anything let me know, okay?
L: Ja
The blush grew and the German's eyes returned to the table. Alfred squeezed his hand lightly then stood up from the table, mumbling something about not being late again. He pecked Ludwig on the cheek and left to dress for the day. Ludwig was out of the house before he got back.
Alfred woke up, again, to quiet moans. He wanted to reach out and hold his love, but knew that he would awake soon. He didn't want to embarrass him by revealing that he knew about his nightly terrors, and how much they bothered him. Tonight was different though, it seemed worse tonight. He watched Ludwig's muscles grow tense, fists clenched at his sides. As expected, the German shot upright, chest heaving. Adrenaline left the strong body quivering in the mass of sheets. He flopped back into the bed and covered his face with his hands, biting back a sob. Al couldn't just watch this.
Ludwig felt a slender hand touch his arm. He cursed; he didn't want Alfred to see him like this. He heard Alfred's bedside lamp click on. He couldn't move, stubborn tears refusing to leave his eyes. Al's hand gently ran up and down his shaking arm, before moving to stroke his exposed stomach and side. He finally regained composure and removed his hands from his face. He used one to prop his head up, and grabbed Alfred's hand with the other. Alfred squeezed it lightly.
L: I'm sorry for waking you liebe.
A: *shrugs* Wanna talk about it babe?
L: Nein, it's nothing. Don't worry about it.
A: Right, it's been 'nothing' for two weeks now.
A deep flush spread across Ludwig's face and chest. Alfred didn't regret it though, he needed to know what was going on.
A: Come here, please.
He shifted to his side and opened his arms, encouraging the shaken man into them. Ludwig sighed and rolled into the taller man's arms, burying his face in his chest. He took a deep, shuddering breath as Alfred tried to coax his muscles into relaxing. He wanted it to work, he wanted to melt into the hold of his boyfriend, relax into the loving touch. Something was stopping him though, he just couldn't. The barrier spoke volumes to the American, he just didn't know what to do.
A: sprich zu mir
L: …
A: Really Lutz, I want to help. You can trust me.
L: *Shudder* I.. you don't… I can't.
A: Just tell me what your dreams have been about, that's all.
L: … Gil
A: Oh, I'm sorry.
Ludwig never liked talking about his deceased brother. He felt guilty about his death, about his hand in the whole war. Alfred began rubbing circles between the trembling man's shoulders.
A: You can tell me about it if you want.
L: They always start off in the middle of the war. I'm giving orders to prisoners, so is he. We always worked together. Then…
A: Lutz…
L: Then it's the end, we are looking around, seeing what we've done, seeing them, seeing ourselves.
Ludwig shook harder. He rolled out of Alfred's grasp and sat up on the edge of the bed.
A: I'm sorry Lutz, you don't have to do this. Don't tell me until you're ready. I'll always be here for you, no matter what.
Ludwig braced his elbows against his knees and hid his face. Though he was mere inches from Alfred's touch, it felt much more distant. He couldn't feel like he used to. It got better with time, but it was always bad this time of year. He knew there was something wrong with his soul, it wasn't all there. He knew he had shared a soul with his brother, he was created to overtake him after all. Now that part of him was gone, leaving him a cold shell of what he was before. Alfred tried so hard; to make him smile, to make him laugh, to make him feel, but he couldn't. He dropped his arms and hung his head. He and Gil never tried to stop the war, they shared the excitement, the power. Sometimes he'd rather be a soulless monster, it would be easier that the remorse, guilt, dreams, history. All of his efforts toward redemption felt like obligations. Sometimes he wondered if he wanted Gil back, or wanted to go with him. What he wouldn't give to reciprocate the affection that Alfred gave so easily. His heart wasn't in it. Alfred disserved more and he knew it.
Alfred held his breath, he hoped he hadn't pushed the other too far.
L: I want to tell you. I want to feel better, but I can't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've tried to feel happy, I've tried to feel better, but I just feel nothing.
Alfred's jaw hung open. Nothing? How long had he felt nothing? Ludwig still wouldn't look at him. Maybe he could make him feel something, even if it wasn't happy at first. He got up on his hands and knees and crawled across the bed, settling right behind the blonde. He placed his hands gently on the others back, carefully working his thumbs into the knotted tissue.
A: It's okay Lutz, I understand. And I know what it feels like to lose a brother, to lose a part of yourself. I'm not comparing my situation to yours, but I get not being able to feel better.
He felt warmth spread across the steadying muscles. Ludwig took a deep breath and released it.
A: I tried not thinking about the war, or about him, and just moving on; but I didn't move on, I just moved forward. One day I was talking with someone, can't remember who, but they told me it's impossible to feel true joy until you've felt true pain. Now, I couldn't have told this guy from Adam, but he made sense. It took so much effort to block the pain that I blocked everything else. I realized that there was no way around it, I had to feel that pain. So I went home, grabbed a few beers, and started going through scrapbooks. As ridiculous as it may sound, it worked. I started thinking about the good times, the bad times, the really bad times; and before you know it I was bawling my eyes out. For days I moped around and cried and drank. Finally, I wrote this letter. It was seriously about 12 pages long by the end, and it was me telling Iggy my feelings on the whole situation. I sealed it in an envelope and stored it away. Just knowing that it was all sorted out made me feel so much better. Not that this is something I would have thought of on my own, but all I had to do was let myself be weak for a while.
Alfred's voice had taken on a hushed tone. His massaging fingers growing increasingly less powerful as the memory captured him. Ludwig moved out from under the touch and faced him on the bed. Gently, he brushed his lips against the soft ones before him.
L: If what you are saying is true, if that's really how you found life bearable again, that is what I'll try; but I don't know if I can stand being weak, stand being in pain. I know it will hurt, he was my brother. I don't know if I can handle it.
A: *Gentle Smile* I understand. Just remember, I'll be right there with you. I will always be with you.
Alfred goes in for a gentle hug, but is stopped and held at arms- length.
L: That is very kind liebe, but it won't work. I have to do this on my own, at least the worst of it.
Alfred nodded in understanding. He sighed and tried for the hug again, this time being successful.
A: I'll go to Mattie's for a few days. If you need anything I will always come back. And you don't have to do it all by yourself, I'm always here for you.
L: Ich Liebe Dich
A: I love you too. Hey, it's Friday. Let's call in sick, get a few more hours of sleep, then I'll take off. Sound good to you?
L: Ja, that sounds nice.