Disclaimer: The following sadist, stitched man, and hyperactive boy belong to Masashi Kishimoto.
Cleaning House
by Cattiechaos
With nine men living under one roof, cleaning was pretty much a lost cause.
When those nine men become nine homicidal S-rank criminal men, a clean house becomes virtually impossible.
And Kakuzu was damn tired of it.
The ex-Takigakure nin had always had the mind of a businessman. So as he surveyed the scattered weapons, bloodstained clothes, and empty pizza boxes strewn across the floor, he decided that something must be done. Not that he was going to clean the place himself; oh no. Businessmen - smart ones, at least - made other people do the work for them. And no way was he hiring a maid - that was much too expensive.
So he lay on his bed, hands clasped behind his head as he stared at the cracked plaster of the ceiling. The first thing he had to do, he mused, was set a trap.
And he knew just who to catch.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip-drip-drip-drip-drip-drip--!
"--Fucking. Shit."
Hidan rolled over with a groan, clamping his pillow over his head. "The fucking faucet's leaking, Kakuzu!" he complained, blearily opening his eyes.
From the other side of the room, the masked nin stirred irritably in his bed, rolling over so that his back was turned to his foul-mouthed partner. "It doesn't bother me. Fix it yourself."
"Lazy ass," Hidan muttered, squinting in the darkness. Heaving himself to his feet, he had barely taken a step when --
"Oh shit!"
It was a beautiful plan, Kakuzu mused, as he watched Hidan trip over the carefully planted pizza box and go flying into the air. It was an added bonus that Hidan impaled himself on his scythe as he stumbled and flailed, then smashed into the floor with an earthshaking whump.
"Would you keep it down? I'm trying to sleep."
"Screw you!" Hidan cried, wincing as he wrenched the massive triple-bladed scythe from where it had embedded itself dead-center in his chest. "I'm sick of tripping over random shit! This whole place is a pigsty!"
"Pigs are actually quite fastidious," Kakuzu deadpanned, looking disapprovingly at the blood that was slowly staining the carpet. Why did Hidan insist bleeding on every conceivable surface?
"Look at all this crap!" Hidan ranted, mercilessly kicking a yellow rubber ducky into the corner. "Where did that even fucking come from?!"
"I believe that belongs to Tobi," Kakuzu said calmly. "Along with that box of stickers."
"Argh!" Hidan bellowed. "Pizza boxes, leftover limbs from Sasori's puppets, Deidara's stupid exploding clay...and why does Zetsu insist on keeping this fucking Venus Flytrap?!"
"He had a ginkgo, but he kept forgetting to water it," the stitched nin replied mildly.
"Look!" Hidan yelled, blood pressure skyrocketing as he kicked aside several cartons of Chinese take-out. "We haven't had Chinese for a month!"
Kakuzu gave the take-out a dubious glance, sitting up in his bed. "I never knew you were a neat freak, Hidan," he said innocently, condescension dripping from every word.
Hidan whirled around, irritation sparking in his violet eyes. "I'm not a fucking neat freak! I just don't like stepping into random crap every time I turn around!"
"If it bugs you so much, do something about it," Kakuzu shot back. "Unless, of course, you're too much of a pretty boy to do anything but sit around and complain..."
"I am not!"
"Great, then let's get some cleaning supplies," Kakuzu said, getting to his feet and inwardly crowing over the easy victory of suckering Hidan into cleaning the lair. That was the thing with simple-minded religious zealots -- they were easily manipulated.
"What is going on?" came a new voice from the doorway, groggy with sleep. The lights flickered on to reveal a yawning Tobi, hair sticking up every direction. "Tobi could not sleep because..."
The masked boy trailed off as he noticed the incredulous stares. "What is it?"
"What are you wearing?" Kakuzu asked, keeping his tone neutral despite the fact that he was now scarred for life.
"Oh, does Kakuzu-san like Tobi's new pajamas?" Tobi exclaimed joyfully, giving an obliging twirl that gave a 360-degree view of his new boxers.
Hidan didn't even want to know where Tobi had gotten boxers that had 'Sugar Daddy' written on them in sparkly pink script. He didn't want to know why there were playboy bunnies on the back. And he wasn't...going...to ask.
"Tobi heard something about cleaning!" Tobi said brightly, plowing along as if he didn't notice the traumatized expression on Hidan and Kakuzu's faces. "Can Tobi come along? Tobi will be a great help shopping for cleaning supplies! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi loves to shop!" he gushed enthusiastically.
"Oh hell no," Hidan griped, finding his voice again (much to Kakuzu's displeasure.) "It's bad enough that the Leader stuck me with you, Kakuzu; I don't want him to tag along."
Kakuzu pondered this. Yes, bringing Tobi along would be a hassle, and possibly drive him insane. But there was the off chance that Tobi would drive Hidan insane, and that was an opportunity worth taking. "Put on a cloak first," the masked nin instructed Tobi, and Hidan groaned in dismay.
Time: 12:27 am.
Mission: Procure cleaning supplies from the nearest village.
Team: Kakuzu, Hidan, and Tobi
Outcome: Doomed
Star Mart: We will satisfy your every wish!
The trio paused before the entrance to the store, staring up at the huge banner that greeted them.
"...The hell?" Hidan said finally, disgust clear in his eyes. "'We will satisfy your every wish'? That sounds like something that belongs in a brothel."
"And you would know, right?" Kakuzu asked, not missing a beat.
"Shut up!" Hidan twitched. "I am Jashin's holy prophet! I've denied myself the pleasure of flesh for the pleasure of pain! Sacrifice by blood! Ritual --"
"What is a 'brothel'?" Tobi interrupted suddenly, "And what is 'pleasure of the flesh'?"
Hidan looked at Kakuzu.
"No. I'm not going to be the one to corrupt him," Kakuzu said firmly, pushing open the door to the shop.
The bell above the door tinkled as the three Akatsuki members entered, Tobi prancing forward to take the lead. Hidan chose that moment to grab Kakuzu's arm and glare accusingly. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing," he said ominously.
Kakuzu surveyed him with his usual impassive eyes. "Oh? And what am I doing?"
"You brought Tobi along because you thought he'd drive me bat-shit crazy and you'd get a new partner. Well listen up fucker, it's not going to happen. So would you stop trying to get me to kick the bucket? I'm immortal, for crying out loud."
"Hidan-san! Kakuzu-san! Is something the matter?" Tobi called, poking his head around the corner.
"No," Kakuzu said firmly, wrenching his arm out of Hidan's grasp. "Let's get started on the list."
"There's a list?" Hidan asked suspiciously. "When did you have time to make a list?"
"First of all," Kakuzu said loudly, ignoring the Jashinist, "we need laundry detergent."
Hidan made a face. "What the hell? I said I'd clean the place, not do your fucking laundry. Hey!" he exclaimed suddenly, realization dawning. "Did you have this planned all along?! Because I'm not a fucking servant!"
"What about all that 'servant of Jashin' stuff you're always prattling about?" Kakuzu asked innocently, grabbing a cart and rolling it down Aisle 5.
"That's different!" Hidan snapped, hand twitching for his scythe.
"Look, detergent!" Tobi interjected nervously, sweat-dropping as he looked from Kakuzu to Hidan. If they started fighting, Tobi would probably get killed first due to Hidan being immortal and Kakuzu having five hearts. Tobi did not like this idea.
"We may as well get some fabric softener while we're here," Kakuzu suggested.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Hidan groaned. Lamenting his fate, the Jashinist turned his attention to the row of fabric softeners before him.
His jaw dropped.
"What the hell?" he swore, an incredulous look on his face as he read the labels. "'Orchid Allure'? 'Garden Delight'? 'Sensual Cinnamon'? Don't they have any manly scents?!"
"I don't know; 'Sensual Cinnamon' really suits you," Kakuzu said, his face impressively blank.
"Screw you, Stitches," Hidan glared, reaching for a neutral-colored bottle on the top shelf. "...Looks like we're getting 'Clean Breeze'."
Kakuzu glanced instinctively at the price label, and then shook his head firmly. "I am not paying $7.99 to smell like air."
"Well I'm not going to smell like Sensual Cinnamon! And it's not air, shithead, it's a 'clean breeze'."
"It's the same thing."
"No it fucking isn't!"
"Tobi wants Apple Blossom Goddess!" Tobi gushed, clutching the bottle with euphoria.
Kakuzu blanched. "Tell me you're joking."
"Just buy the damn Clean Breeze, Kakuzu!" the Jashinist swore.
"I've already told you, I'm not spending that much money to smell like air. Which has no scent," Kakuzu said, getting that much closer to crossing the line that separated neutral from homicidal rampage.
"Screw you and your tight-ass wallet!" Hidan raged, reaching for his scythe.
"Eep!" Tobi squeaked, caught in the cross-fire of it all. Images of a bloody and mangled Tobi flashed before his eyes. "Tobi suggests buying the combo pack, which is on sale for twenty dollars!"
There was a pause.
"I suppose that's a good deal," Kakuzu admitted, after some mental calculations.
"Great," Hidan said sarcastically. "What's next on the damn list?"
"'Dish Detergent'," Tobi said, consulting the (dismally long) list and pushing their shopping cart down the aisle. "Look Hidan-san!" he exclaimed brightly, stopping before the section of detergents. "They have it in 'Luscious Lavender'! Can we get it?"
Hidan smashed his head against the cart. "Fuck my life."
The dishes had been washed. The windows had been cleaned. The dust bunnies had been obliterated. In short, it looked like Snow White and her woodland friends had invaded the Akatsuki lair and scrubbed it until it shone.
Hidan and Kakuzu exchanged mildly impressed glances.
"Our carpet was red?"
"We had a fucking carpet?"
Kakuzu almost smiled at that. Almost - but nine decades of emotional conditioning allowed him to maintain his detached façade as he admired their handiwork.
"You know, this might not have been such a bad fucking idea," Hidan admitted, closing his eyes as he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall - which was freshly painted with Dark Byzantium. The idiot Kakuzu had wanted Taupe (what the hell was Taupe?), but he eventually caved in. Both Hidan and Kakuzu had refused to consider Tobi's request of Cupcake Sprinkle Pink.
"Does this mean you'll listen to me more in the future?"
"Hell no."
Kakuzu grunted. "Figures."
Hidan left it at that, yawning and stretching - who knew how tiring cleaning was? It certainly didn't help that Zetsu's Venus Flytrap had chomped down on Hidan's finger while he had been organizing -- the requisite swearing and ranting resulted in Tobi staggering away, clutching his bleeding ears.
Leaning back, the Jashinist relished in the newfound zen of the room, breathing deeply with satisfaction.
Then, he frowned. He met Kakuzu's eye.
"...Orchid Allure?"
"Yes. Spice Blossom Dare?"
"Fuck yes."
The End
A/N: In the words of Hidan -- pretty please, with sugar on top, review if you enjoyed! Orchid Allure and Spice Blossom Dare are both scents from Downy.
Here's a shout-out to the Akatsuki Writers Society - we're looking for new members, so check us out - link on my profile. Thank you to my wonderful beta Jedi Goat, and Rebellwithoutacause for her support (even if I had to drag her into the Naruto fandom!)