Warning: I don't know if it's a big deal, but there is more swearing throughout this story. Just so ya know. As well as mentions to depression/self hate. I am sorry.
Matt sits up as Luciano begins to speak. He's been leaning back ignoring the speakers the whole meeting but ignoring Luciano is not something he's willing to risk. He's made the mistake of ignoring Luciano once, which ended in brawl between the two. Naturally he can defend himself against the small Italian's attacks, but Luciano is a force to be reckoned with, a point proven again and again. The last time that point proved true was when he flipped not only Al, his brother America, but Lutz, the representation for Germany, over his shoulders in fury. That meeting had been interesting.
Matt bites down on the pencil sticking out of his mouth. These meetings aren't the worst thing in the world, just horribly boring. There are three of them a year, spanning over a week, where all the nations of both worlds group together to talk about how to fix issues. Matt would rather be wrestling with a bear honestly. The moment Luciano finishes speaking, Matt goes back to ignoring everything. Well almost everything. He can't help but notice Luciano glaring at his brother and his brother's double. Matt also notices the hand Luciano's holding underneath the table. Matt grinds down on the pencil. He's only slightly angry that Luciano managed to be with his double, Feliciano.
Matt switches his attention to something, in his opinion, more interesting before he gets too worked up. The person next to him is smaller, with a thinner build, and his eyes shimmer like the aurora borealis at night. Matt swears he can see them sometimes, making patterns in Matthew's bright eyes. His double is petting a small bear in his lap, a bear that once brought Matt to the ground in excitement of having two Canadas. He did not expect the bear to have so much strength, but then again, he didn't expect Matthew too either. That's another one of Matt's mistakes.
Matt remembers distinctly how he felt when the gate between the two worlds opened for the first time. The nations from his world thought it an invasion of some sort and moved to defend themselves. He fought right beside Al for the first time in a long time. After all had calmed down, it had been explained that the England from the other world accidentally opened a gateway to the two worlds connecting them. Luciano decided it best they join up with their counterparts, then go from there. When he figured out there was two of him, Matt planned on killing the other version of himself. There could only be one Canada, and that's Matt.
Then he found his double. His facial features softer, a bright smile just for Matt, a polar bear at his side, and the only thing that went through Matt's head was, 'Crap, he's fucking adorable.' He hadn't been expecting his double to look so cute. While everyone else worked to find their double, he saw how everyone seemed to walk around, or even through Matthew. His instincts kicked him in the heart. He wanted to protect Matthew from everything and anything, felt like he needed to shelter Matthew from the horrors of the world.
It hadn't been long till Matt learned his mistake. Matthew did not need protection. Matthew, being polite and trying to be friendly, invited him to a hockey game soon after the first meeting, and Matt thought he would need to make sure Matthew didn't get lost in the crowds or the fans wouldn't cause a problem. The only issue with his logic being that Matthew had been the one to cause the problem, a riot breaking out in the stadium. They ran from the police, hiding in Matthews house until all calmed down. Matt swore he never heard a more beautiful thing than Matthew's quiet laughter.
When it came time for the ones from his world to go back home, Matt hid away as they went through the gateway, with plenty of help and Al's encouragement. He spent a week at Matthew's house, at Matthew's request. That's when the tiny polar bear jumped him. At first Matt thought a wild bear had broken into the house, but the bear padded at his chest and demanded food from him. Matthew laughed at that, explaining how Kumajiro has been his constant companion. They stayed inside, talking late into the night about the history they shared and yet never had together. Matthew opened up to him immediately, soon showing his more sarcastic and teasing side. Matt knows now Matthew doesn't need anything like protection, but likes someone to talk to, to remember always who he is and what he's done. His soft smiles and delicious food making Matt fall hard. He's lost his edge, has gone soft. He knows it's a mistake to love Matthew more than anything, but he does.
Matt accidentally bites his pencil in two when he glances back at Luciano and Feliciano holding hands, his anger getting the best of him. Matthew lets out a snort, covering up his face in the bear's fur. Matt glares at the ground to avoid eye contact with his double. Matthew makes him weak and crazy. Matt knows that most of the nations from his world came from darkness and insanity. Fighting for survival is all they've ever known. These other nations, from a smiling more peaceful world, brought happiness into their lives. Even though some of them are happy enough, or do not like to admit the change, Matt knows. These other nations make them all soft, and less violent. Being less violent is a plus.
"Nice bite bear jaw," Matthew whispers to him between his chuckles. Matt brings a hand up to his face to cover the blush that is not making it's way onto his cheeks, his sunglasses helping just a little. Matthew always makes him flush up and it bugs Matt sometimes. He's not used to feeling so much, so the emotions he feels make him a little panicked. Matthew is smiling at him, and his heart can't take it. This is all a mistake. Matt sits forward, resting his chin in his hand, to hide his face from Matthew's sight. He listens to Matthew's gentle reassurances to Kumajiro, to 'be patient' and 'the meeting's almost over'.
"Dude. What the fuckery did you do to this pencil?" Al's looking at his accidentally bitten in half pencil in awe, holding both ends together to make it look like it's still one piece. Matthew hides his giggles in the fur of his bear. Matt rolls his eyes, not really in the mood for Al's crap. Then again, he's never in the mood for Al's crap. The four of them, Canadas and Americas, make their way back up to the hotel the nations are being housed in for the week. Alfred, the America of the other world, and Matthew's brother, is the host for these meetings, being one of the biggest habitable nations of the other world. According to Matthew, also the one with the most conspiracies to hold open a gate strong enough for all of them to pass through. It's a decent enough hotel, it has to be or someone will complain. Matt's room is very close to Matthew's.
The sun is setting lower in the sky than it usually is when they head back to the hotel. They had waited outside for Matthew to finish packing up his stuff. Matt won't admit he knows something stalled his double. He knows how long it takes Matthew to actually get his stuff together. The other's didn't notice. While he is curious as to what took his attention, Matt knows that's a creepy question, so he refrains from asking, knowing it'd be a mistake.
"So I'm thinking dinner yeah? There's that diner on the other side of the street we could try?" Alfred is looking between the group of them excitedly. Of course food is what he's thinking about. Matt didn't believe Matthew when he told him that Alfred could eat a more than anyone he's ever met. After one of their first dinners out together, Matt believed him.
"Only if they have some vegetarian dishes porkchop~" Al coos, latching onto Alfred's arm, who in turn jerks away from him. The two of them get into a a light scuffle, pushing at each other and teasing. The scene makes Matthew laugh, so Matt figures it can't be all that bad. Al is always teasing Alfred, trying to get a reaction out of him. When Al found out Alfred ate meat, he almost cried. Al is a crybaby.
It's been like this for a while. The four of them gravitate to each other after every meeting, to talk about what to do next or life in general. That's not entirely true. Matt wouldn't have spent this much time with his brother out of his own doing. However, Matt gravitated to Matthew, who went with Alfred, who has Al latched onto him. Matt likes it though to be honest. Not only does it give him time to be closer to Matthew, time he loves, but him and Al haven't gotten this much along since they had been colonized so many years ago. He still likes to pound Al to a pulp, the little shit deserves it, but it's a less angry feeling than before. Matt blames Matthew.
He's quiet throughout dinner, like usual, stealing glances at Matthew, who notices them all and smiles at him. Matt tries to hide his blush as best he can with his sunglasses. Matthew always found a way to make him flare up with feelings. Al throws small bits of food to Alfred who tries to catch them in his mouth, and fails mostly, food hitting him in the face. Matthew interjects a conversation topic and the two America's are squabbling over their words. Matt's eyes flash to Matthew, with his soft smile and teasing tone. There's a dark part of Matt that surfaces and makes him feel that he's a mistake.
Back in his shared room with Al, Matt rests on his bed with a pillow over his face. His dark thoughts from earlier coming back to haunt him. Matthew is amazing and sweet and perfect in every way and Matt feels it's a mistake to love him. Not because Matthew isn't deserving of love, but because Matt's love isn't good enough for him. Matthew deserves the very best in everything and Matt's not it. He's awkward and violent and testy. He doesn't feel good enough to be near Matthew sometimes, mostly on his really bad days, but there's always this constant nagging that he'll never be enough for someone as amazing as Matthew. There's no way he could see Matt as anything other than what Matt feels he is, a mistake to this world and his own.
AN: Welp! Here it is! The first chapter to the second story in Infatuation~ Hope you all enjoy :D
Disclaimer: Hetalia ain't no belong to me