Okay folks, invitation to my first english story and the first one I actually finished about Cas and Dean at all.
English is not my mother language, I'm german, so don't be too harsh to me.
As you can see, the story is short without any content, but I'm open to constructive critisism anyways of course. :)
I do not own the characters.
I hope you're having a great beginning of season 8,
a perfect day for all of you!
Ava
The place they were hiding in for hours now was nothing more than a cave, wet and muggy, dark and fusty. They had been running – almost – because purgatory was no fun to be at all. The woods they passed together had not buried them. The trees were tall and massive, but just like they didn't want to, they did not offer them any shelter. And so they had to flee for hours, for days even maybe, and this back-breaking place was their lair now.
Dean felt wasted. It all was. He was thinking about Sam, about his brother being alone, hopefully in real world at least, with all the nasty things waiting for him there. He was also thinking about Bobby, who was gone now forever. And he was thinking about himself in this fucking place he'd never thought he would go to because he didn't belong. Dean could feel the anger that was looming in him, how mad he was about all this, how few energy he had left to deal with it all. Things would be different if he would be on his own, but Castiel would probably not let him sit down in front of this cave to be eaten. So he was angry with Castiel as well and this made him even more vulnerable. Being implacable with yourself is one thing, being implacable with an angel was like reaming your own soul against a bed of nails. Dean knew, he did that for a long time after Castiel started his god-amok-run. Castiel always made him weak.
The angel was sitting with his back to the wall with distanced eyes that told Dean than Castiel's mind was resting elsewhere, wasn't with him. Once again, he couldn't count the times for that wish anymore: he wanted things to be like they had been before it all happened and once again he was pushing these thoughts to the back of his head.
Castiel's blue eyes came back to the cave all sudden while Dean watched the angel, now turning his head slowly to not cross his gaze. Most of the times, the angel's face was close to blank. It took Dean a while to separate the few different motions that crossed these features from time to time and he never figured it out very well. He remembered the time, his friend smiled at him – first time, a second time, maybe even a third one – and his nail-boarded soul was shrinking a little further.
"You should get some sleep and rest."
Dean shook his head, just slightly, because he was tired, but he didn't want to pass out in this unsacred thing of a hide-out. He was feeling absolutely non-safe with all the purgatory-voices screaming outside in the woods coming from creatures that could come and eat them alive every minute. He would not die sleeping.
"I won't get any sleep or rest here, Cas. This place is close to hell."
Castiel still looked at him, face close to blank again, but maybe with the hint of a painful memory.
"Yes, it is."
"You think we will find something better to stay for the night?"
The angel's head bowed down.
"It is always night in here, Dean."
Dean almost winced. That was no good news, because his eyes were not made for the moonless darkness of purgatory and he had the feeling that they were not getting used to it at all.
"Humans don't belong in here. There are voices out there your eyes cannot hear, but I can and your eyes will not let you see everything in this darkness."
"That's perfect, you know!", he snorted back, not willing to have this conversation about how useless he was right now. He wasn't even sure about Castiels angel's powers working in here.
Castiel gave him a quick look before staring down at his hands, folded in front of his bended knee.
"Hopefully, we will not stay at this place forever."
"Your words in god's ears.", Dean commented, his usual sarcastic self. But he knew, Castiel did not cope with his god-patters very well and sighed. He never understood what Castiel's nature truly was, how god was a part of it. He always wanted to take the time to think about the sacrifice the angel did by following his own will instead of the old man's upstairs in heaven. Even thinking about heaven stopped Dean from digging any further, because he just couldn't imagine.
In situations like these, where he could watch Castiel and sensed how far he really was from being human, he was close to ask him about all this, but he never had the bravery for that in the last days.
"What is it with the two of you, after all?"
"The connection is still unstable."
Dean did not bother to hide his smirk, a dry one, but hey. This was an answer of the old Castiel.
"But your angel's phone is not broken anymore, is it? It's just that he's too far away for some reason."
The other man, wearing the dirty and worn-out trench coat but without the tie (Dean recognized), nodded in silence. Dean cleared his throat, shifted a little.
"Wanna tell me about that? I always wondered, but I never asked you about all that stuff."
That was a lie, he did, before things turned worse. In a time where Castiel had been the only one close to him because Sam drifted apart with addiction and anger and Ruby.
Castiel seemed to be uncertain, Dean more figured that than actually seeing it.
"He does not trust me a lot. A lot of my brothers and sisters do not trust me as well."
"But he brought you back, didn't he?" Dean said that before he thought about it, wanting to comfort Castiel out of so many reasons.
"That was him, probably, yes. He brought me back because he loves me and he has duties for me to do. But he is disappointed."
Dean knew that feeling pretty well, disappointed fathers he could add to his list for sure.
"Was it your duty to take Sam's pain to yourself?"
Castiel hesitated, then disapproved.
"No."
Uncomfortable silence settled over them for a little while, just broken by the ululation, the howls and the unfamiliar voices from outside. Dean knew he had to say it, just once and he started to get ready for the words that did not cross his lips easily. He was aware why it was so difficult for him, he was aware of this fault in his character but he couldn't change the way he was.
But Castiel cut him off before starting.
"Don't say that, Dean, I don't deserve your gratitude."
Now here it was again, this contradictory urge to calm his friend, to tell him everything was okay or was going to be, though it was very far from that.
"Cas, stop that. It's my decision if you do and I'm saying thank you for that to you now. I should have said that some time ago. So take my gratitude for all that's worth and shut up with the shit you're talking. You found your way back, didn't you?"
Cas was meeting Dean's eyes very seriously like this was something he would never be persuaded about. It was the first serious conversation they had in last time without Castiel drifting off to Twister or sandwiches.
"No. You saved the wife that wasn't mine but Emanuel's and then you found me. I didn't do anything."
"You couldn't remember, Cas.", Dean objected, inpatient.
"No I couldn't remember. But I also didn't want to remember. I was hiding from the truth and you know that. When I saw your face as you came to that house, I was only hiding."
"And then you asked me to tell you and you stayed with us and angeled away all the demons, saved Sammy's live and shifted all the wrecked parts of his soul that Luzifer was tormenting for months over to you."
It sounded like: and that's why you don't need to feel bad about this anymore and it felt like that, too, but only for 80%.
Castiel refused to say anything to that for minutes. Dean had no control of time, but he guessed it almost was an hour before the distance in the angel's face vanished again and he was coming back into the presence.
"Why is it that you can't forgive?"
"I –" Uncertainly, Dean shrugged, not really surprised that his friend knew.
"I want to.", he said, sounding like an excuse.
"I know.", Castiel assured him. "You're not even forgiving yourself and humans tend to do that more likely than to forgive someone else. You should not forgive me at all, I'm just asking."
"How do you know?" Castiel didn't show any affection by the roughness of these words, he just closed his eyes for a second, eyes that were so unremarkably blue that Dean knew he would always recognize them.
"Because as an angel I am very familiar with this."
"Ah, of course.", Dean huffed, angry with himself for being angry, but not able to do anything against. A change of subject would be great, Dean thought, searching.
"Do you have any idea how we get out of this?"
"Purgatory has no end or exit. We have to wait for someone letting us out."
Dean frowned.
"Awesome. I hope Sammy hurries up doing so."
"He can't do it on his own.", Castiel pointed out and Dean could tell he was worrying just as much as he did. About Sam and about them to die here.
"He will figure it out."
"He will make a deal."
Dean was stilled by that. There were only so much demons left that had the power to help him open the gate to hell 2.0 and the idea of having Sam bound to one of them wasn't exactly hilarious.
"We have to wait."
Castiel nodded his head again, slowly, like his brain was working out more in one second than Dean's in his human life.
"Dean, there is more that you should know about purgatory."
Despite the low feeling in his stomach, he did. He liked to know about the enemies and for this place was an enemy all by itself, he wanted to know whatever Cas did.
"There is no food and no water for you to find here. I can try to feed you, but you will always be hungry and I can try to give your body water, but you will always be thirsty as long as we stay here. And I don't know what will happen to me. As far as I know, I'm the first angel in purgatory."
Dean put his head into his hands. He felt tired and weak and hungry and thirsty already.
"I can hold up myself as long as it takes Sammy to get us out."
It was obvious, that Castiel wanted to say no to that lie, but he didn't. He said nothing and stared down the stone wall in front of him.
"You really should try to get some rest, Dean. This cave is all we've got, they did not follow our tracks. We're as safe as we can."
"I'm not feeling safe at all."
"Neither do I."
They were sitting there a long time, caught in this nightmare and Dean finally closed his eyes. He tried to imagine his Baby, the vibration and the feeling of running down the roads being free, but it was just an image, weak and not very authentic. Sometimes he felt Castiel's gaze upon him, he always could feel it, sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes protecting. It was just one more sign for the relation they had, probably because Castiel was the one who pulled him out of hell. Somehow he was glad to have a bit of the old, grumpy, blank version of the angel back. The one following the bees really mocked him off a little, but at least, Cas had seemed to be lucky with the odd-version-Cas. More lucky than he seemed to be now.
"Did your hear that?", Dean hissed, widened eyes all sudden at the noise that came from outside, not too far from the little entrance of this cave. Castiel answered with taking his angelic sword out of nowhere in his hand, pulling onto his feet soundlessly. The blue eyes were fixed onto the darkened beginning of the cave that Dean had covered with one or two branches.
Nothing happened, the sounds from outside, scratches, maybe something sniffing, disappeared and both of the man sat back to the walls. Dean recognized an asperity on Castiels face for a second as he stared down at his hands.
"What is it?"
Castiel still looked down at his hands, but Dean could not make out any difference.
"I don't now. Something felt strange for a moment." Dean frowned.
"Dude, could you give me some more details?"
The angel looked up, now his blank face again, maybe with a trace of disappointment.
"I think it was nothing."
Dean made a face. "Okay.", he said, then pausing. "Cas, what did you mean with, you would try to feed me and all this? You can actually do that?"
"I can keep your body from starving, yes."
Dean frowned again at the image of how that could happen, but Castiel was giving him a challenging look.
"I could make you sleep, too. I will, if you will not lay down at least for a few hours."
"Thanks, but I'm fine."
"You are tired."
The Winchester snorted.
"Yes, I am. And I will get some sleep when we are out of this fucking cave, Cas. Leave it alone."
The angel just nodded, staring down at the ground again, while Dean thought about their options which were practically not existing. Of course they could go outside and find another place to hide (or die in a suicide commando), but he feared that Castiel might be right with saying, that this was all they've got for now. But he also feared, that he will not find any rest in this place at all. He shifted, moving into a more comfortable position.
"How come you changed back? I just mean, you're not talking about honey-bees anymore."
Castiel shrugged.
"I think it happened because of you.", he said.
"You reminded me of everything, even after taking in Sam's pain and you reminded me of the person I was before."
"I did?", Dean asked slowly, not sure if that was a good thing for Cas or not.
"I could see the image you had of me and I wanted to turn back into that one. But I still love honey-bees."
"Yeah.", Dean commented on the last statement. "You mean, you picked up my memory of you? How did you do that?"
Castiel sighed, his shoulders sinking down a bit.
"Sometimes I can see what you see, Dean. Sometimes I can sense what it is you feel and why and I felt your expectations on me as I was... out of commission."
Dean truly just wanted to ask him what his impression of Castiel looked like, but he knew already of course.
"You always put a lot of expectations on people, Dean."
He did not want to attain psychological therapy now.
"Cas..."
"It's alright, Dean. That's what they are doing with – wait, I know what this is!"
"What?" Dean was watching Cas, who furrowed his brow.
"Someone is calling me.", he said, surprised.
"Is that good news?"
Casties eyes widened.
"The call is like – you could follow it?", Dean went on.
"It is too weak. For pulling me out of this, it has to be direct and strong."
"But it is possible?"
Castiel frowned.
"I've never been in here, Dean, I don't know. But I think, it could be, maybe, if it were someone powerful."
"So it has to be an angel?"
"I suppose it is an angel, I don't think that Sam would reach me down here."
Dean thought about that, because it could be eventually a second way out, just eventually.
„Can you answer or something like that?"
„No, I can't." Both of them were getting quiet again after that. It's good news, someone was looking for Castiel but at the time it was no news they could use so it was no news at all.
Since they reached the cave there was a soft ticking sound from outside to hear. Now that he tried to find some peace, it pulled Dean off completely. Also the howls and the screams that went on and on and on. Did those things never stop hunting? All the noises were strange to him, he shivered from time to time and his thoughts started drifting.
"Cas, can I ask you something?"
"Of course, Dean."
The angel's voice was so calm and quiet, that Dean suddenly felt relieve for not being alone.
"What was that between you and Meg?"
Castiel gave him a look that Dean wasn't sure how to interpret. He seemed to be surprised, but defensive.
"She helped me."
Dean frowned. It was hard to imagine.
"I know what she did to you, I know what the character of her species is like, but Meg was good to me. She changed my clothes when I couldn't, she held my hand when I was in pain, she talked to me when there was no one else but the voices in my head. She was good to me."
Dean nodded. He felt the nail-board on his soul again coming with the anger.
"She put you to bed, Cas, I know. It was obvious."
Dean was ashamed for saying this as soon as the words left his mouth, but he wouldn't admit that he was hurt by the fact, that Meg gave his friend support when he didn't. He just turned his back on him.
"She listened to me, she covered that I would not eat and sleep and take no medicine. Meg was my nurse, Dean, not my lover. I can separate that."
Dean had his face in his hands, stroking through his hair before looking up. He knew these impressions, but he never got used to them. He felt responsible for everything, but he felt responsible for someone so naive and good-hearted like Cas a lot. He would have killed Meg if there would have been any sign for harm she did to him.
"I'm sorry, man. Non of my business."
Castiel let his intense gaze drop.
"You're right. It is none of your business. But I appreciate your worries."
Dean cleared his throat, wondering why talking with Cas always turns out ending awkwardly.
"Yeah, you're welcome."
Dean gave up resting and continued watching the angel.
"What is it with your wings, Cas?"
Cas frowned.
"I mean – you still have them?"
The angel lifted his brows, showing something close to terror – maybe the first time, Dean saw that expression on the angel's face.
"Sorry, I-" But Castiel gathered himself.
"No, no it's okay. Just the idea of losing them... Not even Luzifer's wings were taken away from him for punishment."
"Ah." Dean imagined it to be like losing a leg – maybe worse – but how should he know?
"I thought maybe because you fell, they just disappeared or something."
"No. They didn't. You saw them once, didn't you? When you called me the first time."
"Yes." The Winchester remembered the scene like it had been yesterday. But years had passed.
"But just shadows."
"There are not so many humans that were showed the wings of an angel, but I thought you'd be hard to impress, so I showed them to you."
Dean had to smile a little at that.
"I'm hard to impress, huh?" Castiel tilted his head the way he used to and sad amusement in his eyes.
"That's one reason you're still alive.", he pointed out and Dean shrugged, hiding his tiredness behind a hand.
"Did Anna show her wings to you?"
Dean choked.
"No – I mean, no – what made you think that?"
Castiel moved his hand, a small gesture that showed he was not moving on safe terrain here.
"Cas, stop making that face. It's okay you're asking me that. But she didn't. You really liked her, didn't you?"
The angel moved his lips without a sound. After a few seconds, he just said Yes. An embarrassed silence settled over them.
"Did I take her from you?"
Castiel again needed some minutes for his answer. Dean wondered if he ever questioned his feelings for Anna before or if he was still overwhelmed by human emotions he started to feel a while ago. He seemed to get lost in that, Dean thought.
"No. I don't think so."
"Okay."
Dean closed his eyes again, nothing to add, still his knees bent in front of him, his head resting on them, trying to switch off his ears. The images that run through his head tortured him, but Dean just swallowed them down. He always did that. Like Cas said – he always survived. He would not die now.
It was the moment he was close to get sick from the noises of this place, that something very soft touched the edge of his right shoulder. He did not need to look up, there was no panic and no doubt that it was something good. The connection between this and him was so familiar that he did not doubt it was Castiel, reaching for him with an invisible wing. He imagined it to be of pure white, covered with lines of silver and gold, that longed to the angel's heart. He assumed, that they had an actual shape, that they would not be only shadows in his hands. It laid itself around his back, surrounding his body in a warm embrace, feeling soft but heavy against his skin. Dean sighed at the peace that washed over him. It stilled everything inside, making the cave quite and the air rush into his lungs. It was intimate and strange, but Dean just let it happen, falling asleep withing seconds.