Sarah's Firsts, a chuck fanfic

Title: Sarah's Firsts

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck.

Spoilers: Up the season 2 finale.

Summary: A look back at Sarah's undisclosed history up until the S2 finale, to the day. Primarily a Sarah fic, so only some mention of Chuck. You've been warned!

A/N: Screw "plot" and "structure." Here's a bunch of words!

Sarah takes her first breath in ----, — -----. Her first name is -----. Her second is Lisa.

Sarah's in Paris. She's due back at D.C. in the morning but she's here on a mini vacation to take in the sights. Though, they haven't left the hotel room much so the only sights she's taking in are the ones she sees from her hotel balcony. But it's more than enough. Below her the city stretches out in lights and there's nowhere else she'd rather be.

"I can't think of anything more beautiful than you and Paris."

Bryce comes up behind her, a bottle in one hand and two glasses in the other, their stems trapped between his knuckles.

"I know how much you like your Pinot Nero. I thought it'd be the perfect choice." He pours the wine and hands her a glass. "To celebrate our time together."

His eyes, always so alert and serious, soften as he leans in and whispers, "Happy first anniversary."

No, there's nowhere else she'd rather be but on that balcony. "Happy first anniversary."

Sarah has her first kiss when she's five years old. It happens in the playground, quick and innocent, as most kisses between five year-olds go. These days she can't remember anything about the boy she kissed except that he wore bright yellow sneakers every day and she was very smitten by them.

In the dark one night she can't make heads or tails of anything except the sound of her breathing; quick and deep; panicked. She tries to slow down, to get reality to catch up with her mind, when she hears her name being called as if from a distance.

She stumbles back, grabs the corner of the desk to steady herself, knocking over something that clanks onto the floor. He calls her name again and when she feels a hand on her shoulder she instantly grabs it and shoves him hard in the ribs.

This time it's Chuck who stumbles back, a pained "Oomph!" escaping his throat.

Sarah digs her hands into her hair. When her eyes adjust to the darkness she can see that it's the middle of the night outside, the sheets in Chuck's bed are ruffled, and he sits holding his side.

"I thought... I thought you were..." She can't seem to finish the sentence.

A moment later Ellie and Awesome appear saying they heard noises, asking if everything's ok. By the way they're looking at her Sarah realizes she must look shaken up.

Chuck stands, assures them that everything's ok, that it was just a nightmare she had, and he gently prods them back out into the hallway.

When they're alone again she says, "Sorry I hit you."

"Promise not to hit me if I try to touch you again?"

She nods and it's enough of an invitation for Chuck to come over and wrap his arms around her. They don't often touch like this unless someone is watching, and in the darkness no one is, but Sarah lets him embrace her because she needs to feel him; to physically know that's he's there, his body warm, his heart beating against her chest. A minute ago it was different.

He doesn't ask her what's wrong, or if she's ok. Instead, with his lips on her hair, he whispers, "it was just a dream."

A minute ago, in her dream, he was killed and she couldn't save him. Her anguish felt so real and in an instant she'd forgotten all she'd been taught about loss and collateral damage and how a person in this line of work can't be too invested in the people they're meant to protect.

She's hesitant to let go of him. It is the first time she realizes she is too invested.

There isn't a lot Sarah can remember about her mother. Or maybe it's that she chooses not to remember. The memory of her mother lies in a part of herself that she keeps closed off. No one even ever asks Sarah about her and she thinks it's probably because she unconsciously warns that it is a forbidden topic.

In any event, the first memory Sarah has of her mother saying "I love you" is also her last.

She spends all of her free time off missions at the academy, volunteering with new recruits in the hopes of getting a promotion. The first time she meets Bryce Larkin she is assigned to tutor him on how to better handle his gun. Ironically enough.

(She's been in the field longer than he has and for all the fancy track-and-field stunts he's becoming known for around the department he really needs the extra help with a weapon.)

At the shooting range she watches him through her yellow-tinted glasses with arms folded over her chest and a purposefully unreadable expression on her face. When he finishes his last clip he reloads and says, "I've got a buddy in school who would freak if he could see me right now. He'd call me the James Bond of Connecticut. But I do kind of look like James Bond with this thing, don't I?" His smile is confident and sheepish all at once. "Come on, a little?"

She instantly takes a disliking to him. But she can't know that in a few years time they'll be partners, or that when they play lovers on missions they won't stop pretending, or that he'll be her first, real boyfriend.

Though, for the first time she meets him, he's just another arrogant pretty boy.

Her dad introduces her to her first set of knives. She's probably too young to be handling them but she learns a lot about her father in this way. By giving her the knives he makes her grow up too fast; shows her she's more of a partner than a kid; teases her with the knowledge that she's going to have to protect herself because he's not always going to be there to do that. By giving her the knives he only further proves that dad isn't Superman. In fact, he's more the petty crook Superman beats up at the beginning of the comic book.

The first time Sarah has sex is when she's 19. Her braces are finally off, her hair is a shade blonder, and guys look at her differently now. She's at a good university– on the government's dime– on a mission to weed out enemy recruitments and the like with the whole college coed thing as more or less a cover. So she's part freshman, part junior super spy when she meets Erich, the TA in her intermediary German class. He's in America for his masters degree and speaks with such a thick accent that when he asks her if she has a question about her homework assignment it half sounds like he's trying to buy her a drink. Either way, she answers yes.

(She's just completed seduction 101 and he's tall, blonde, and will do.)

In the end, she doesn't like anything about her first time (especially the thick accent) and she drops her German class soon after. Erich still pursues her but she's becoming good at keeping people at arms-length.

She wakes up one morning, too early, because Bryce is rustling around in the room, looking for some things to fill his bag with. He's already dressed and she knows he would've woken her up soon enough anyway because he's about to go.

He comes to kiss her shoulder and then sees that she's awake and watching him. He smiles and calls her Mrs. Anderson because that's their thing.

But this morning feels different. His sneakers lie discarded on the floor and she can see he's not going out for his usual early morning run.

And he must know that she's aware something's the matter because he doesn't look at her when he asks, "Do you trust me?"

The question throws her. "Of course."

"Do you love me?"

This questions throws her even more.

Her eyebrows wrinkle briefly and she's so curious where he's going with this that she has to smile. She nods.

"I love you too," he says. "Never forget that."

A few days after Bryce goes on his top secret mission Graham tells her that he's gone rogue. That he has betrayed them all.

Bryce Larkin is not her first love.

It's been a couple of hours since Chuck downloaded the new intersect; since Bryce died; since everything changed, again.

When Chuck finds her she's already been on the beach for a while. She wonders briefly how he found her so quickly, especially in this darkness, but then again maybe his new brain's programmed with night vision. She doesn't want to think about it.

He sits heavily on the spot of sand beside her and if he seems tired or relieved to have found her he doesn't say because he first asks a question that confuses her.

"Are there messages in that bottle?" There is an irrational excitement in his voice.

She follows his gaze to the bottle that's sticking out of the sand on the other side of her. She lifts it up and hands it to him. "It's wine," she explains.

"Pinot Nero," Chuck reads. "Didn't know you were a wine person. Most people go for the hard liquor when they want to drown their sorrows."

"It's my favorite." Best to celebrate time spent together, as Bryce once told her.

"Hnh," Chuck says. "Good to know."

Good to know. She goes over these words in her head for the next few seconds and it's enough to break her heart. It breaks her heart because Bryce knew the littlest details and Chuck knows hardly anything about her. She wants to tell him everything in that moment. She wants to tell him what her favorite food is, what her name is, that she feels the same for him as he does for her.

But she doesn't tell him any of those things. Instead she sits and stares out, betraying nothing of what she's feeling inside. And maybe it's because Bryce just died or because Chuck has a brand new intersect in his brain but she is effectively back at square one, where agents aren't supposed to have feelings because it only results in this.

"I'm sorry about Bryce," Chuck finally says. "I'm here if you want to talk about it."

She looks down to see that Chuck has covered the back of her hand with his palm. His touch has always been enough to light a fire deep within her. Just one day ago project Bartowski was over and she could've touched him all she wanted. And thanks to him now she can't. It's the first time she doesn't want to touch him at all.

The first time Sarah holds a gun it feels strange and heavy in her hands and she prefers her knives. (She doesn't like a gun but she's a good shooter and soon she's more comfortable with one than she imagines possible.)

Sarah is quick to squeeze the trigger. She can't stop to think– if she's too slow bad guys could get away and missions can go irrevocably awry. Her first kill happens when she's 20; a baby agent. It only takes one bullet to eliminate an enemy threat and rise her to the ranks of star agent.

Even so, it's hard to sleep that night. But it gets easier.

They're nearing the end of Awesome and Ellie's rehearsal dinner and as his agent, Sarah probably should've topped Chuck off three flutes of champagne ago. But he no longer has the intersect in his head and so she isn't technically his agent anymore. Also, she is utterly amused by a drunk Chuck.

He's made a number of bad jokes around the table, and Sarah's about sure she's the only one who enjoyed his extra long toast, but he's happy. Obviously, and indubitably happy. She definitely likes a drunk Chuck.

Guests are saying their goodbyes and waiters are bussing the tables but Chuck and Sarah are too content to get up. She lifts the table cloth and looks under the table because Chuck's decided to make an unsubtle go at footsies that's more hilarious than flirtatious.

"You're wearing your chucks."

"I'm Chuck who wears chucks."

"Don't tell me you're going to wear your chucks to your sister's wedding."

"I do!"

"But Chuck..."

"You told me I look dapper," he complains. "I remember that very clearly. D'you remember?"

"I do."

He plays with her hand until her fingers trapped between his lazy knuckles. "I think we just got married," he whispers.

"I think you're drunk."

Chuck nods. And Sarah's only thought is that Chuck Bartowski is her first love.