Author's Note:

After I wrote "Birthday", which is a prologue to this text, I didn't really expect to continue with Joshua and Alain. This story, um, wrote itself. I'll be happy if there are any fans of those two out there. Are they? Until now, only two people read it: my friend and my mom, so I somewhat long for more readers.

I took liberty of interpreting some facts, changing others and making up the rest. So, if you feel that this story differs from the original "La Esperança" story, you are probably right. Still, I had to do so in order to create this text. I read "La Esperança" both in English and Finnish, and those translations slightly differed, so it's possible that I unwillingly made some mistakes. But, I do hope they don't influence your pleasure of reading.

I haven't made the titles, they are simply lyrics from various songs. I listed the title and performer in the end of each chapter.

The below is the translation from the Polish original, so please forgive me any language errors. I'll add the chapters as soon as I have them translated.

Last and least: please, review. This is the longest story I've ever written, and it's quite hard to me to assess it as a whole. I appreciate all comments. Thank you!

~Clio~

Prologue

"Robert Jade! What do you need here?"

"Well... you. Joshua, right?"

"You could at least remember the name of a man you want something from!"

"But I remember, don't I?"

"..."

"If you keep frowning like this, no-one will like you. Oh, yes... Just to be sure. It seems you're one of those who... don't like girls?"

"I am. And I make no secret of it!"

"I would never imply-"

"But, let's make it clear, you are not my type!"

"Sure, sure... Why? I like the green-eyed myself..."

"Wha– How–? It's none of your business! What do you want?"

"You're so cute when you blush. What was it, again...?"

"Spit it out and get lost right away."

"How should I put it... I'm in need of a man-to-man talk with you."

"Two older brothers isn't enough?"

"You see, Joshua, I'd rather not have them in this conversation, contrary to you. You seem to know. I need your guidance."

"You flatten me. But how exactly am I going to profit from it? I'm a very busy man, you know. Studying and all."

"Yeah, especially that all... Maybe I'll start with telling you I've never ever seen Alain dating a girl?"

"..."

"And I'll add that we've been pals since grade school."

"..."

"I think I still remember quite a lot from that time."

"..."

"..."

"Well. If that's the case, I suppose I can't really decline a man in need. Tonight, at seven, my place. I won't be mad if you bring some photos... from grade school. By the way, what is it that you want to get know?"

"Well, for starters... only theoretically, but in details... what are you going to do to Alain once you get him? Ah, this blush makes you really cute, indeed."

1.
(maailma on sun)

After Jade had left, Joshua couldn't calm down for a while.

Damn you, Robert Jade!

He had slammed the door right in Jade's face, without any further word, and now he was resting against it. Trying to regain his balance, he was entangling and analysing his emotions.

How one could be so shameless to suspect others... to suspect him of... such things?

He had slammed the door without a word because he had been to surprised to say anything and too angry to do anything else. Now that he thought about it, he should have smacked Jade - straight in the face and having no scruples about it, never caring about the difference in age, height and social rank - only for assuming that Josh...

He felt his heart beat hard. Painful. He hadn't really expected that Robert Jade was able to drive him into such a state in only few minutes. He leaned his head back, and his fingers clutched on the front of his shirt.

True, he had never hidden his orientation, and, in general, he thought of himself as a liberated person - but could it be that others saw him the way Jade did? As if he were some whore or, at least, had shagged half of the guys in the dormitories?

He bowed his head.

It wasn't a pleasant thing. He had always believed he didn't care about what others were thinking about him - especially those whose opinions didn't matter to him at all - but now he realized he didn't like the idea of others having such a twisted image of him.

He banged the door.

He wasn't an angel; he knew it best. But if he had any dreams in his life - oh, he did; quite many, in fact - they were much more romantic than such a boor like Robert Jade could ever imagine. His knowledge of eroticism itself was only theoretical and based on a few publications he had once obtained, and not without some effort. He wasn't an angel. He was a sixteen years old guy who, from time to time - he could admit it - experienced some visions on subjects that surely all sixteen years old guys had. Sometimes - always? - those visions even involved a particular person. And yes, it was Alain Corail, and the very mention of him made Josh's heart speed up. And maybe others were aware of it...

He covered his face with his arm.

It didn't change the fact that nothing gave Robert Jade the right to rush here and shout, 'What are you going to do to Alain once you get him?"

Damn you, Robert Jade!

Now he was standing here and trying to calm himself - a futile effort - while the visions of what he was going to do to Alain were flowing before his eyes. In the bright day, just as he was studying for the math test in the next week... Now there was no chance that he focused.

He got from the door and sit down by the desk, staring blankly at the last problem.

No, it had no sense.

He drew the curtains back and opened a window. He used to study with the window curtained - it improved his concentration - but now he decided today's study was probably over. He might as well take a breath of fresh air. And to think a bit.

He rested against the sill and stared in the distance.

Alain Corail.

It was strange.

Until now, he had been falling for men much older than him. The patron, the gym teacher... Respected people with life experience. He hadn't really counted on any reciprocity; it was enough that they had been there, nearby, and that he could always see them again...

With Alain, it was a different matter.

He couldn't tell when it all had started. This school year, probably. They had passed each other enough times that Josh had taken note of that tall boy with big hands. Maybe Alan had appeared mature to him, even though he was only three years older and still a student? It could be this. Undoubtedly, Alain had that air to him: the air of a person who had gone through a lot in his life. Hanging with suspicious individuals, smoking in the corners, he definitely didn't seem a good student of a prestigious school. At first, Josh simply had wanted to have a closer look at him, and thus he hadn't missed any chance to hang with him whenever he had spotted him in the campus. They had talked few times, and from Alain's comments one could draw a conclusion he did distinguish Joshua Or from the rest. It flattered Josh; at least at first it had...

But the more time passed, the more it appeared to Josh that the age difference didn't matter at all, and that out of them both he was more... mature. Alain did seem strong, self-confident and able to control the events, but every now and then the situations occurred - the moments of life - that made Josh certain that, in fact, Alain was confused, broken and lonely. Maybe it was once he had started to see it that he had realized what he felt about Alain...? Jade could insinuate many things, but they were not the most important hopes Josh cherished with regard to Alain. He only wanted to be with him, support him and become his friend. All the rest could be a daydream he could dismiss any time, if needed. Although, it didn't change the fact he would preferably convince Alain of his feelings in a way more... well, physical.

Uhm.

He tried - reluctantly and willingly at the same time - to recall the talk with Jade. His heart, calmed for a moment, beat faster again. He had no reasons to not believe that Jade really knew Alain for a longer while - he had seen them more than once in the corridors or elsewhere, even though their relation didn't seem friendly at all. Never mind. And what more Jade had said? That he had never seen Alain with a girl. Well, it sounded... promising.

He swallowed.

Could it be that Jade suggested that Alain swung the way Josh did? Josh hadn't seen Alain with a girl, either, but he didn't dare to draw such a conclusion. There could be thousand of reasons why Alain wasn't dating a girl. For that matter, he wasn't dating a guy either, so the situation was almost at a point zero...

When Josh had slammed the door, Jade had managed to call, 'See you at seven!' Only a quarter ago, Josh had been sure he had no desire to see Jade ever again, but now he was starting to change his mind. He was under the impression he would clutch at any chance to learn about Alain...

Damn you, Jade!

Jade apparently wasn't that stupid if he knew how to sell Josh on his cause. Speaking of which... What did he need that information for? Could it be that... it was getting serious with, how was his name... Georges Saphir? They couldn't possibly...? Josh felt an unclear twinge he only a moment later identified as an envy. But no, Jade and Saphir didn't interest him in the slightest, and he wasn't going to bother his head about them. He had his own desire...

He felt a hot wave crawling onto his face. He fanned himself with a notebook and then rested his head on the windowsill and wondered whether his life wasn't, after all, vanitas vanitatum, et omnia vanitas. *

Something that Jade had said was nagging at him. He tried to focus and recall that comment as clearly as he could... 'What are you going to do to Alain once you get him?' What are you going to do... Well, it was clear. What are you going to do once...

He opened his eyes and sat up, looking at the darker brick of the pale wall far ahead. What he was going to do to Alain once he gets him. What he was going to do to Alain once he gets him. Once.

He blinked.

Robert Jade assumed it was only a matter of time that Josh... yeah, would get Alain. He felt dizzy, and his cheeks were burning. He had no idea where Jade's belief came from, but he wasn't going to puzzle his head over it now. It could mean that... That Jade must have known about Alain's possible preferences. Surely, he wouldn't have said it if he weren't convinced. Would he? Josh's heart was about to jump out of his chest, and he pressed a hand to it, as if trying to stop it.

He sat like this for a moment, trying to gather all his loose thoughts and emotions. The April sun on the blue sky was slowly rolling towards the west.

'Joshua Or,' he told himself finally. 'If someone else believes you can do it, and you don't believe it yourself... Then, is there any chance to succeed?' He patted his head, as if trying to urge his brain to start working and the thought process into the right track.

A gust of wind blew through his desktop calendar, throwing its pages in disarray. For a moment, Josh was staring at the numbers flashing before his eyes and timing the next days and weeks. It was the middle of April now. The school year was ending in two months - and only so much time he had to realize his dreams. He struggled with a feeling he had no chance - it was too little time, only two months, eight weeks, sixty days... Then he shook his head and jumped to his feet.

He never got up, and he didn't plan to start today.

He smiled widely. The spring outside more than ever made him feel he was alive. He leaned out and breathed in fresh air.

"I will get him!" he shouted to the world.

He laughed, not in the slightest concerned about the looks he was given by some younger students who walked under his window.

The world is yours - Tehosekoitin, "Maailma on sun"
* Vanity of vanities, and all is vanity.