It was a quiet afternoon in the Town of Perverts. The streets were clear, people were inside watching tv, and the heat wave was murdering anyone who dared to go outside for more than five minutes.

No, seriously, it was murdering people. Mrs. Clarkson, my evil neighbor, learned that the hard way when she tried to sunbath her ugly fat body. She was the fattest woman here, I tell ya! She weighed, like, three hundred pounds- and I'm getting off topic….

Anyway, a young teenage girl named Kyla decided that enough was enough. She wasn't really good with serious stories, or romance stories, or even stories in general. So, with her magical powers, a random fic that involved the Fullmetal Alchemist cast, her best friends plus her enemies, a show called FMA Today!, and a kitten named Mr. Mittens was born.

No, seriously, my cat gave birth today and I named one of the kittens Mr. Mittens and- wait, ya know what? We shall go straight to FMA Today! before I start blabbering on and on and on….

Oh, and disclaimer: KYLA DOES NOT OWN FMA!

Extra disclaimer that is SUPER ULTRA IMPORTANT: IF YOU WANT TO ASK THE CAST QUESTIONS OR DARE THEM TO DO STUFF THEN SEND YOUR DARES AND QUESTIONS TO KYLA THROUGH PMS SO SHE DOES NOT GET SCOLDED ON FOR VIOLATING THE GUIDELINES!

I frowned at the idiot boy, who I allowed to do the intro. "Nice intro, Austin. Real nice..."

"Thanks!" He said grinning.

I sighed. "Remind me to let someone else do the intro for now on..." He frowned, but I ignored it. "ANYWAY, welcome to FMA Today! This is the place where you can ask your favorite FMA characters questions and/or dare them to do something incredibly stupid and/or inappropriate! …Unless it's a mean dare to Alphonse. Then I shall slap you silly because he is so awesome and sweet! (I'm kidding. Dare whoever!)"

Ed glared at me, yelling, "HEY! I thought you liked me!"

I patted his head. "I do, but I also like Al for his personality. I like you because you're just so smexy." He smiled.

"Am I smexy?" Austin asked.

I shook my head. "No… you're not. On that thought get the hell out of here before I stab you."

Austin ran away, and Al sighed. "That wasn't very nice..."

I shrugged. "Hey, he's an ass. He deserves to be threatened!"

Izumi nodded at me in approval. "You have learned well."

"I learn from the best, Mrs. Curtis!" I said grinning. "I also learned that Olivier Armstrong is also a good role model for violent people- aka me- and that Alex Armstrong is a vampire!"

Armstrong proceeded to yell, "I AM NOT A VAMPIRE! WHY MUST YOU SAY THAT?"

"WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THIS?" I asked.

"BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SEEM MANLIER, ESPECIALLY WITH MY SPARKLES!"

"That's why I think you're a vampire! You sparkle!"

"But he does that even when he isn't in sunlight..." Ed mentioned.

I gasped. "Holy shit that's true! So he's a sparkling fairy bitch!"

"Exactly!" We high-fived each other.

"HURTFUL!" Armstrong yelled.

"NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!" Ed and I yelled back.

Al shook his head at us, sighing. "Can we please get on with this? Don't you have questions or dares from people, Kyla?"

I shook my head. "No."

He sweatdropped. "And why not?"

"Because this is the first episode, Alphonse! No one has reviewed it yet!"

"Ah..."

"Yeaaah now you're getting your cute brain to work."

"I thought you only liked him for his personality?" Ed asked frowning.

"I also think he's flippin' adorable, even when he was just a suit of armor." I replied.

Al smirked. "Haha, Brother. She likes me more!"

"NO, SHE LIKES ME MORE!" Ed yelled. They then got into a fight.

I watched them in interest, and then noticed that I had a strange craving for popcorn. "Where's the popcorn?" Roy then handed me a bag of popcorn. "Ah, thanks. Oh, and I have a question you have to answer or else I'll cut yo ass."

He frowned. "O…kay."

"Why aren't you and Riza dating?" I asked. I heard a click and saw Riza aiming her gun at his head. "And answer carefully…."

He broke out into a sweat, nervous as hell. "U-um… b-because… I don't think she'd like to date me because I don't do my paperwork...?"

Riza, satisfied with his answer, put her gun away. "Alright."

Roy and I sighed with relief.

Envy then came onto the stage, singsonging, "Hello, idiot humans!"

"Hello, cross-dressing palm tree!" I said back.

He glared at me. "I AM NOT A CROSS-DRESSING PALM TREE!"

Ed stopped fighting Al and looked at Envy. "YES YOU ARE!"

Envy thought for a moment, and then said, "If I'm a cross-dressing palm tree, then Edward's short and Al hates cats!" No one replied to that. "Ha."

I frowned, mumbling, "You may have won the battle, but you have not won the war, you Envious Bastard..."

He winked at me. "Yeah, right."

Molley, my best friend in the whole world, gave me a puzzled look. "Why am I here again?"

"'Cause you're my best friend/twin (not really) and you can help me with my perverted comments!" I replied.

"Like how Lust looks like she's willing to do any guy within twenty miles?"

"…That's the truth, not a perverted comment. I'm not even sure if that's perverted period…."

"…Well crap!"

Lust glared at us. "HURTFUL!"

"NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!" Molley and I yelled at her.

Ed frowned, muttering, "Deja fucking vu…."

"WHY MUST YOU CHILDREN SWEAR SO MUCH?" Armstrong asked.

"BECAUSE IT IS FUN!" Molley, Ed, and I answered, then Molley and I added, "Plus we live with people who cuss… a lot."

Al grinned. "So do I! His name is Edward!"

Ed glared at him. "MEAN!"

"Al, don't be mean. It doesn't make you seem smexy at all." I said frowning.

Al pouted. "Aw."

Ed laughed, and then got hit with a wrench. "OW!"

"Edward, stop being mean to your brother!" Winry said frowning.

I glared at her. "Winry... GET OUT!"

Winry glared back. "NO!"

I pulled out a pencil. "Don't make me use this."

She gave me a confused look, which turned into a look of pain once I started stabbing her. "OW OW OW OKAY I'LL LEAVE!" She ran off.

Ed gave me a puzzled look. "Why did you stab her?"

"I dislike her. She annoys me and does absolutely nothing in the animes." I said frowning.

"She fixes Ed's automail." Molley mentioned.

"Yeah, but besides that she does nothing!"

"True, true."

Al sighed, mumbling, "This is going nowhere..."

"You are right, my cutie pie!" I said nodding.

Al grinned while Ed frowned.

"So, if you want this to go somewhere, PMS ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND DARES FOR THE FMA CAST! Or do I have to get Izumi, Olivier, AND Riza on yo ass?" I asked.

Izumi cracked her knuckles, Olivier gave you the Look of Death, and Riza pulled out her gun.

I frowned. "I swear, you three are gonna run Hell together!"

Molley snickered. "Jeez, Riza, where else do you keep your guns? In your BLEEP? (That word is bleeped out because I think that word is… bleh.) ...Wait, why was that bleeped out? All I said was BLEEP! ..."

I, totally ignoring the last two sentences, grinned. "Now you got it!"

She frowned while Riza facepalmed.

Roy then asked, "Do you?"

"NO!" Riza yelled.

Molley and I smirked. "Riiiiiiight~" Riza pointed her gun at us. "MEEP!"

I turned to the camera. "ADIOS, PEOPLE! PMS YOUR QUESTIONS AND/OR DARES SO THEY CAN BE ON HERE AND REVIEW JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT PLEASE!"