Animal I Have Become, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: I own nothing still. Negotiations have come to a standstill.

Author Note: Response to a wish over in live journal. Inspired by megans_writing's request.

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried

At first I wasn't sure what was going on, what was happening to me. It was literally hell, feeling that out of control. I was growing, I was powerful, I was…dangerous. And I was out of control. I could hurt someone that I care about like Billy or even Bella. I tried to ignore my new temper, my new feelings but I couldn't escape it—this was a part of me.

But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

That night after the movies when I started to feel sick it just got worse. And it hurt, I was physically in pain. I worried that I had gotten that stomach thing from the Newton kid or that Bella was sick. But when I got home and just lost it on Billy that scared the crap out of me.

When I changed, shape-shifted, whatever you want to call it I felt free and locked up at the same time. Free because all of my recently acquired urges, to run, to burn off energy, to go in the woods, to be wild for lack of a better term, all these urges were met. But at the same time the human part of me, Bella's Jacob, was locked inside. I could no longer be there for her—I couldn't be her best friend anymore because I could hurt her.

It was a nightmare, being that out of control. But then there were the voices, familiar voices, voices I knew. But they weren't heard through my ears, they were in my head. Sam Uley was the most prominent voice. Then there was Jared and Paul, they were congratulating me. And then there was Embry's voice, maybe the loudest voice in my head. "Don't worry Jake, we'll be there soon. Man I'm so glad you finally did it."

Then there were four other wolves in front of me. They explained everything to me. Then they told me that I couldn't tell anyone, not even Quil or Bella. And that I couldn't see Bella anymore.

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become

I was pissed. The pack was great, don't get me wrong, but I was pissed because they kept telling me to ignore Bella, to push her aside, to stop thinking about her. (Especially because they could read all my thoughts too.) So what if they were in on the secret? So what if we were all the same? We were all monsters—werewolves and although we existed to protect our land and our tribe, the people we loved, the fact that I couldn't tell Bella was killing me. And no matter how simple they made it all seem, like just another fact of life that everyone morphs into a giant dog. But what they said couldn't change how I felt. I was a monster, I was dangerous. And I was missing my best friend.

Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go see Bella. But of course the pack caught on to my plans and interfered. Then, like a dream—or a nightmare—Bella showed up.

Then, and at this point I was sure it was a nightmare, we were fighting and Bella was upset and I had hurt her and she was just standing there, staring at the house looking utterly destroyed by what had just happened. By what I had just done to her.

I wanted to stay away, the pack said that I had done what was right, that it was the best thing for both me and Bella. But I couldn't let it lie.

I visited her that night, jumped in through her window. Scared the crap out of her doing it to. Then I pleaded with her to forgive me and to figure it out, to think about the stories I told her, to figure out what had happened to me. "The part that kills me is that you already know. I already told you everything!" I had said.

I hugged her once more, in case it was the last time. Begged her to figure it out. "I won't lose you, Bella. Not for this." After that I took off, hoping she would figure it out.

It would be worth it if Bella figured it out. But the problem was that I wasn't sure if she would want to still be my friend after she figured that out.

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times I've lied
(So many times I've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

When Bella came to me and told me she figured it out I was shocked that she had done it so quickly. And scared of what her reaction might be. When she started accusing me of being a killer I could feel myself shaking and had to step away from her and take a few breaths. I was so scared of transforming and hurting her. I couldn't get mad, I couldn't hurt her.

Later, after I'd calmed down and we'd sorted it all out I explained to her what could happen if I got mad. She asked about my shaking and I told her that it was because I was so scared of losing her because she couldn't take what kind of monster I am. But she could and that, aside from making me extremely happy, made me feel relieved. I had someone else, other than the pack. I needed that.

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

The pack didn't like that Bella knew the secret, Paul got so mad he tried to attack her, forcing me to change right in front of her. But later, at Emily's place, everything seemed alright. Bella seemed almost comfortable and I knew that in time she would be.

And whenever we spent time together I felt almost normal again, like I had never become a werewolf, that I was just a normal kid, that the Cullen's had never existed. That maybe, just maybe, I had a chance with Bella.

But I didn't want to press that particular issue that was the last thing Bella needed from me. Besides she helped me feel better, like my life wasn't completely turned upside down because I still had her. She was taming the wolf in me and she didn't even know it yet.

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

But then there was the threat of that other vampire in Bella's room. And soon it was just me in the pack for a long time, keeping tabs on Bella and Charlie. I felt horrible knowing that Bella was stuck in La Push without me to keep her company because I was always running the borders of our land to protect my people. To protect her.

And when we spent time with her it was like a breath of fresh air. She was keeping me out of the nightmare for a few hours a day. And for those few hours she was keeping me sane.

And with every second we spent together I knew deep down that I was falling in love with her, more than I had been. And the fact that she still held a torch for that—vampire—really bothered me. And because she couldn't see more to me than her friend and protector, that hurt. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her how she'd changed my world, how her being here was saving me and how I would always love her and be there for her. But I couldn't, not yet.

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

My entire world crashed down when the Cullens came back. I had already had a rough time, being so scared of Bella being hurt after she jumped off the cliff without me there to save her, to help her and protect her. And now they were back. And that meant he would be back. And when she disappeared for those days, leaving with the fortune telling vampire I was terrified.

When she returned and was in his arms I could feel it literally ripping me apart. I turned and ran, trying to hide the pain I was feeling.

I transformed into the wolf, the wrong type of monster, as far as Bella was concerned and I ran.

But I vowed that I would fight for her, if given the chance I would fight to have her, to have my Bella. To have the girl I loved.

"Damn bloodsuckers."