I don't know what this is...

Well, that's a lie. It's the first chapter of this story that has been swimming in my head for months, and I've actually wrote down quite a bit of it. I think that if I actually committed to posting this, then I might get somewhere. Maybe. And I've finally edited this part enough for my contentment. So anyway, I've let it out, and this is how it came across.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Chapter 1

Ungodly Hour

"Edward, you make me so happy...you know? But, I have to make myself happy first…and that's probably the one thing in this whole world that you can't do for me."

"Bella, what are you saying?" I asked urgently.

"For so long, all I wanted was you. All I dreamt about was you."

"What happened?"

"I got my wish and now…I don't have anything else. I care about you so much, but if I ever lost you, I would be standing here totally void of anything else in my life. I live in total fear of doing nothing, of going nowhere, and that is why I shut you out. Because if I can't have something to hold onto independently from you, then I don't have anything at all. I don't know who I am. I don't know where you end and I begin. "

"Bella, I know you. You are the same person I've known for my whole life. You're My Bella. My best friend! More than that…"

"Look, Edward…people change."

"They don't have to."

"Yes they do. People die and they move away…and they grow up."

"We can grow up without growing apart, Bells. Why can't you see that?"

"How can you know that? How do you know I'm not just some safety net that you keep coming back to every time the world gets too scary? I don't want to go backwards anymore, Edward."

"Is that what I represent to you?"

"No, not you. Us. The reason I came here tonight is because we need to move on. Look, we're not kids anymore. And I'm not gonna do this anymore. And I just thought you should know. I want more in life than…"

"More than what? More than us? You don't know, do you? You've never known! The entire time I've known you, all you've wanted to do is escape. From me, from Forks. You're running away because you're scared…" my voice trailed off in realization.

I looked up to her resolute, tear-streaked face, and I knew it was too late. She had already made her decision, and now she was shutting me out. She was really leaving me. I was already coping with the knowledge that she was leaving for New York University in less than a month. But now I was losing her for good. Without her, my knowledge of the future was a terrifying void.

"Bella." I pleaded with unconcealed anguish seeping into my strangled voice. "Please."

She shook her head slowly at me, with quiet tears falling down her flushed cheeks. I gazed deep into her unfathomable brown eyes, with frustration, seeing her as…someone who was driven by their insecurities…for the first time in my life.

As if she could hear my thoughts, she stared back unwaveringly. But she was still so strong. Her hands were still clenched with resolve as she stood stiffly my driveway.

For so long, our lives had been inextricably woven together, since childhood. I used to know that our fates were somehow intertwined, that it would always be just Edward and Bella.

But I wasn't sure if I knew anything anymore.

We were so stuck in this moment, it was clear that our lives together, and everything we ever thought we knew of the future, were coming undone.

The second and third waves of our stubborn argument now finally subsided into a heartbreaking, trembling, silence that thickened the air around us.

I couldn't handle it anymore.

My blood started boiling with an acidic rage that burned my mouth and clogged my throat. I allowed this wave of bitterness to overtake me, because I knew that anger would be much easier to deal with right now. It was the most uncomplicated emotion I could have felt, and I welcomed that.

And because I began to make it easier on myself, I was going to make this so much harder for her.

"Argh!" I exclaimed suddenly, and she didn't even flinch. "Don't give up on this, Bella! You're scared, right?! Well so am I!" I growled angrily. The context of the words conflicted with my tone. I had meant my words to sound reassuring, as my last feeble attempt to make her stay, but I'm sure my words lost their effect when I practically spat them at her.

I realized I wasn't getting through to her. So I said the worst, hurtful thing I could possibly utter to her right then.

"Don't leave me like your father left you!" I spat out, loathing myself more than anything. She winced in painful remembrance, but otherwise didn't react. I was so awful, yet so stubborn. I just threw all of my pain right back at her.

I gripped at a lock of my hair and slammed my tight fist on her truck as my tears flowed readily now. She wouldn't respond to my biting words anymore. Maybe she had had enough of me. I stood there, breathing roughly and heavily, calming myself down.

Breathing.

Minutes passed, and I finally looked back up at her.

"Edward…I want to know that you don't hate me for leaving, I want to know that this isn't the last time I-"

"They're just words, Bella. I can stand here and tell you that you're making a colossal mistake, that all roads lead back to me, but it doesn't matter. Words, speeches…they sound great but they don't add up to anything. It's all just words, Bella. Because after you're done dispensing your pleasantries here, you're gonna turn around and walk away from me. Aren't you?"

She looked down as she said her next words to me.

"I have to," she repeated shakily. "You taught me to trust myself, so this is what I have to do." Her last words were a mere whisper. She looked down, as if she couldn't bear to acknowledge my pain on top of her own.

And that was it. Deep inside my core, I felt myself just…break. The last shred of denial I had been grasping was taken with her meek confirmation, and now I understood. And now I was faced with…just…anguish.

As cliché as it sounds, I then felt as if my insides just shattered into a million glass shards that pierced through my gut. My stomach heaved, and I bit back a gasp. As of now, I didn't know it was possible to feel physical pain with heartbreak. Indescribable torment.

My eyes stung sharply, and I knew that if she looked up at me, she would be able to see right through me. I didn't care, though. Maybe I wanted her to see it.

With my eyes boring into her, I pleaded for her to look at me. Just look at me.

She wouldn't.

So I let out a whoosh of air, and swallowed loudly.

I steeled myself for what was coming next. If I was going to say it, then I was going to have to mean it. With everything I still had.

And I did.

"Then all that matters right now is what you want." I whispered hoarsely.

She looked up after a moment, and I took a tentative step forwards.

I couldn't really read her face. I could derive that she sensed my own pain, and being Bella, I knew she ached for me. Because she loved me as much as I loved her. And I knew that she ached with me, because of her own emotional distress. But that was all I could see. No regret. No uncertainty, not anymore. Just…pain.

I softly pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear, and cradled her face with my palm. We intently gazed at one another for what felt like hours. I was telling her that I loved her with only my eyes. I couldn't say it aloud; I would choke on the words if I voiced them. Saying it would just make it harder for her.

We stood there, quietly reflecting on that epic changing day. For what felt like hours.

But always too soon, the air between us changed again; it held finality.

She slowly took a step back, still holding my gaze. She took another deliberate step, leaving my hand dangling in the air to grasp at nothing.

With one last poignant look at me, she turned and jumped in her truck and backed out of my driveway. Swiping at tears and never looking at me again.