That stupid ero-cook, Sanji.
For a few days Zoro had been feeling that terrible urge that most men were overtaken by daily; he needed sex. Badly. Masturbating could only do it for so long, he needed something or someone real to do it with. So, he looked over his options.
They were currently in the middle of the sea, so a whore was definitely out for the next few weeks. He started with Brooke. And quickly decided against it. No offense to the violinist, but he wasn't sure he could handle a skeleton. Next?
Franky? Well, the only thing that really stopped Zoro from offering it to the other was the thought of being submissive. He was out.
Chopper was ruled out without really thinking about it. He was cute and all, but Zoro wasn't too sure he liked the idea of being with someone who was a completely different species. Besides, he wasn't completely sure if the male or female reindeer was the one who got pregnant, and he wasn't going to take any chances.
Usopp was considered for a good few hours before, to Zoro's disappointment, he accidentally walked in on the sharp-shooter and Franky making out in a storage room. Which meant Usopp was spoken for.
That left Luffy, Sanji, Nami, and Robin.
Zoro had ruled Sanji out because the blond cook hated him so much he figured he would get a few kicks in the face for asking. And if Zoro even dared to go near Nami and Robin without a good reason Sanji bit his head off.
And that was how he had gotten where he was. On the way to the men's quarters where their captain was currently napping Zoro was stopped by Sanji, who handed him the demand.
"Fuck me."
The thing that bothered Zoro the most was the look Sanji was giving him. It wasn't a look of lust, or even love, but one of hatred and overwhelming determination. He was determined to have Zoro screw him. But, why?
"What was that?" Zoro asked, just to be sure.
"Are you deaf as well as stupid?" Sanji growled, kicking at the marimo-head's face. "I said fuck me, you idiot!"
Growling, the swordsman stopped the kick and replied, "Yeah, I know, but why?!"
"Just shut up!" The blond sneered, stepping forward to press their lips together. For a few moments Zoro simply stood there taking in the taste. Sanji had an interesting flavor. Like all the good foods mixed together and held with cigarette smoke.
Well, if he was going to be so damn persistent, Zoro would just have to give him what he wanted. Without any regard for privacy the swordsman pressed Sanji against the wall, roughly pulling his pants down and off. When he didn't receive a protest from the cook, he unbuttoned his own pants. Finally, after all this time, he was going to get relief. He didn't see the pained look on Sanji's face as he did his deed, far too wrapped up in his own problems.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nami was the first one to notice Zoro scouting out his options, and she had pointed it out to Robin and then Franky and Sanji. They were probably the only people on the ship who would care, anyway.
The marimo-baka hadn't been very discreet. He would stare at one crewmate or another for a few hours at a time, sometimes for days. And just a few minutes ago Nami had entered the galley to announce to Sanji, "He chose Luffy."
This worried the crew because, though Zoro didn't know it, Luffy was deeply in love with his first mate. Luffy was so childish he would probably mistake Zoro's lust for love and end up heartbroken, so they had to think of a plan to stop Zoro. After a few minutes of thinking, Sanji made a suggestion.
"I could let him have me."
The crew was astonished at this. Was Sanji really suggesting that he would abandon his pride to protect their captain's heart? But his eyes were hard and determined. No one could dissuade him from his task.
So that's how Sanji ended up pressed against the wall outside their cabin being screwed unceremoniously. The blond tilted his head back and took a drag of his cigarette, blowing the smoke up to the ceiling as Zoro slowly loosened his grip on the cook's hips. He was finished.
"... Did you want...?" Zoro began, but Sanji pulled his pants back on and shook his head.
"Don't worry about it." He turned his eyes up to the former bounty hunter and glared. "And the next time you even think about doing that to Luffy, you come to me and I'll take care of your problem for you."
Before Zoro was able to ask for clarification, Sanji finished buttoning his pants and walked away. Zoro was staring at a blank wall.
He would have stood there the rest of the day if the cabin door had not opened, revealing a yawning Luffy. "Hello, Zoro. What's up?" he asked, grinning. The grin slowly faded as he watched Zoro. " Ore ... Zoro?"
"Mmm?"
"What's wrong?"
Zoro shook his head. "Nothing, Luffy..."
The straw-hat boy shrugged. "Alright, then. If it's nothing, then I'm gonna go get something to eat!" He tried to make his way past Zoro, but the other grabbed his wrist before he could leave.
"Luffy?"
Luffy paused, glancing at Zoro. "Yes?"
"... I'm sorry..."
The captain didn't need to ask for an explanation. He had heard the whole exchange from earlier.