The Smashers stood in the main kitchen of their confines, many of them shuffling impatiently.
"Thousands of people auditioned for weeks and weeks from all across the country…" said a booming voice over a loudspeaker.
"There were no auditions!" said Link angrily, speaking on behalf of the group, as signified by his standing in front of everyone.
"…every single one of them… has a cooking dream…" said the slightly high-pitched but booming, echoing voice. "The dream to become… a Masterchef…"
"You know what?" said Zelda angrily, stomping up to the man with the booming, echoing voice in her high heels. "I quit! "
"But you caaaaan't quiiiiiiiit," said Kirby into the microphone which made his voice sound deeper and more echo-y and boomy. "Because the fuuuuuun… has juuuust… beguuuuun…"
Kirby grinned and looked at the other smashers, seeking laughter or approval or at least some acknowledgement or something. Nobody responded.
"I quit because I don't negotiate with terrorists!" said Zelda angrily.
"Then the photos…" said Kirby, holding up a large envelope with 'Zelda' written on it. "…shall be released to the public…" Kirby grinned menacingly. "…and if anyone quits… then everyone's photos…" The camera zoomed out, revealing a mountain of envelopes. "…shall be released to the public."
Kirby ran over to Link and stood on his shoulder. "How would Link think about you, knowing that you were the one who let the world know about his dirty secrets?!" said Kirby threateningly.
"You monster!" screamed Zelda, "Damn you!"
"Oooh but the fun is just getting started!" said Kirby, cackling evilly.
Kirby cleared his throat and shuffled his cue cards on the desk in front of him. He picked up the microphone. "America…" said Kirby into the booming, echo-y microphone, "These are your top fiiiifty amateur cheeeffffs… …who will become… the next Master Chef?!"
"Okay," said Ness angrily, "So you really expect us to believe that you have all of our dirtiest and darkest secrets hidden in these envelopes and if we don't co-operate in your stupid little game then you'll leak it all to the public?"
"Mmmhmm," said Kirby, scoffing dismissively.
"Oh yeah?!" said Ness, laughing confidently, "Maybe you're just bluffing… …I think all of us…" Ness pointed to all of the Smashers, to emphasise that point of 'all' and stuff, "…should not continue a single second longer as I doubt there's a single shred of evidence that you have any of our secrets!"
"Yeah!" shouted Donkey Kong. And some other people, and it's really important. And stuff.
"So if…" said Ness, trying to sound like a cunning detective, putting a pipe in his mouth for good measure, "…if you have anything that would be blackmail against someone as pure and as clean as me… do discuss!"
Everyone laughed heartily and mockingly.
"Fourth grade field trip to the chocolate factory," said Kirby confidently, "You and-"
"Oh God! Please stop!" sobbed Ness, now on the floor, grabbing Kirby's legs begging for mercy, tears flowing down his cheeks, "I'll do anything! Anything! Anything! Just don't tell anyone!"
Everybody shuffled nervously.
"Now that you are all convinced," schemed Kirby, "Here are the rules of the competition… you get eliminated… your dirty secrets get released to everyone you know, and everyone in the world!"
Everyone stared, horrified.
Kirby played a 'yaay' sound effect which was the sound of a bunch of cheering children.
"And the winner of Masterchef gets spared from public embarrassment!" said Kirby.
Everybody applauded weakly.
"Uh… yeah… so let the games begin!" said Kirby, putting on his chef hat, rubbing his hands together.
…
"So like… what do we do?!" said Donkey Kong.
"Gee… I didn't actually really plan that far ahead…" said Kirby softly, scratching his head, "I was spending so much time thinking about how I'd con you guys into doing this and gathering all the evidence…"
"You know what?" said Kirby, "The first challenge starts in fifteen minutes' time! Be there, or be… …all of your secrets revealed to everyone… …and your life ruined and stuff…"
Kirby played a dull laugh track and then scurried out of the room quickly.
With a degree of anxiety in the room, everybody chatted amongst themselves.
"You know what?!" declared Luigi, standing in front of the room, "Luigidoesn't need to do this stupid competition as everybody knows Luigi's secrets anyway!"
Luigi cleared his throat. "As many of you know, Luigi has the habit of-"
One twenty second explanation later…
"…all over, with the green-a stuff everywhere!" said Luigi, finishing his heartfelt confession.
Everyone stared in half-shock, half-disgust.
"That is so gross!" screamed Zelda. Several smashers next to her held their stomachs, sick. Donkey Kong vomited into the nearest available person's mouth.
"I WILL GET YOU DEPORTED, YOU SCUM!" screamed Mario.
"I let my kids be babysat with that man!" screamed Lucas, disgusted. "…you guys aren't supposed to know that I have kids!"
"As my second husband, you disgust me severely and I am divorcing you!" screamed Peach, outraged, "You guys also aren't supposed to know this!"
"I'm actually a bird!" sobbed Mr. Resetti.
Everybody ran around, panicking. Various spots in the house were spontaneously set alight and at some point a trolley full of carcasses wheeled across the room amid the confusion.
"…this is actually so much less interesting than I thought it would be," said Kirby, disappointed, leaning on a table.
Results:
Luigi: 43rd Place – quit
"Next time on Master Chef…" said the loud boomy announcer thingy, "…how will these smashers deal with cooking… without ketchup?"
"What do I do?!" screamed Fox, panicking, "Ketchup is the principle ingredient I use in everything! Lasagna, spaghetti, PBJ sandwiches, fudge cake, corn flakes! WHAT DO I COOK?!"
Kirby pressed a red buzzer, which made a rejection sound. "No regurgitating ketchup and using it in your meals!" said Kirby angrily.
Kirby Entertainment and Walt Kirby Studios Motion Pictures studio credits played on the screen.