Hmmmm . . . well, while I obviously don't own "Romeo and Juliet," and thankfully I doubt William Shakespear will be suing me over copyright infringement any time soon. Hard to do from several hundred years beyond the grave.
Anyway, I do realize that this is in script format. Typically, I would object to that; however, I feel that given the fact that R and J was originally a play, my choice is justified. Beyond that, it just works better.
Well, time to leave you to it! Enjoy, and, maybe-possibly-pretty-pleeeeeeeeease review!
Now on to the show!
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The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet:
Act VI
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Characters:
Romeo - married to Juliet
Juliet - married to Romeo
St. Peter - keeper of the Pearly Gates of Heaven
God - God (He is played by a disembodied voice.)
Tybalt - Juliet's cousin (He is killed by Romeo.)
Mercutio - Romeo's friend (He is killed by Tybalt.)
Chorus - narrator
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Scene 1
[ Setting: St. Peter stands alone in front of the Pearly Gates of Heaven, list in hand. ]
Chorus: Before heaven's gate now do our two heros stand
Pleading for admission of God's own land.
St. Peter: (He looks up from a list) So who's next? (No one responds.) Hello? Okay, don't tell me no one's dead.
Romeo: (He enters with Juliet. Both holding hands and running.) Anon, we cometh, good sir. Forestalled were we when the strange torch which with light anoints the holy tunnel became filled with darkness.
St. Peter: I know that dialect. Dear god, not -
God: What?
St. Peter: Never mind. Perfect. Why must these people speak old English? Why? Note to self: introduce comprehensible speech to world. And fix the light bulb.
Juliet: Oh strange sir that standeth hither against the coming of unknown strangers, in what strange land stand we? Art in truth we bereft of our lives, or have we by some mean chance? of trickery deceived ourselves to thinking we stand us now afore the gate - entrance of our Lord's holy hou . . .
St. Peter: Yes, yes! You're dead. And yes this is heaven. Now -
Romeo: Then praise I these stars! For they have lead us far down this trail of agony grieving that we might by some means achieve our peace in the immortal paradise -
St. Peter: Okay, we get the point. By the way, don't you people ever see anything inherently wrong in praising the stars that you are let into heaven? Whatever. That's not my job, anyway. I'm here to guide you into the waiting room so that God can decide whether or not to admit you.
Juliet: O, God! Thou-
God: What?
St. Peter: Never mind.
Juliet: Thou mean'st not to let us in, but to tell us of our expulsion from this unearthly haven!
Romeo: And to by this means divide us, not for the light of unbearable days that seep into innumerable eternities, but all time's distance. Oh God, am I -
God: What?
St Peter: Please take them back with you. I can't take it anymore! Why must they do this over and over again? You'd think two people could only die so many times . . .
God: Them again?
St. Peter: Arghhhh. Yes . . . .
God: Romeo. Juliet. (They vanish.)
St Peter: Finally. (He looks at the list again.) Who's next? Let's see . . . Ophilia?! Not again! Oh, God!
God: What!?
St. Peter: Never mind.
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Scene 2
[ Setting: Romeo and Juliet are standing in Heaven. God is present but not visible. ]
Juliet: Dear Lord, whence go we and wherefore?
God: Before people are admitted into heaven, they must face their past. We are here to review yours.
Romeo: Wherefore must we look upon the joyless impediments of our lives, those that dragged us to depths of such unaccountable woe.
God: To see your choices, and their consequences. Actually, you made some pretty bad ones. You're going to have to meet with the spirits of some of those which proceeded you here.
Romeo: Proceeded us hence? Who then with would you have us meet?
God: You'll see. Now . . . .(They vanish. God sighs.) Why me?
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Scene 3
[ Setting: Romeo and Juliet are in a different location, still in Heaven. ]
Juliet: (to Romeo) My beloved. Been have we forthwith dispensed of and upon the ragg'd streets of this place yet so unbeknownst to thee and I were we quickly cast out.
Romeo: Be not disturbed my love, for through this all by means unsanctioned or known we have by the will of the stars remained with some deal of proximity to each other. O God -
God: What!!? And why do you people keep talking about "the will of stars"? They're inanimate objects. (He sighs.) Never mind. Here, by the way, is Juliet's cousin, Tybalt. (Tybalt appears.)
Juliet: O, dear cousin, dearest son of most beloved mother. Thought I that forever we would be so twain, yet now again you are near!
Romeo: Hoped I that I would not, yet feared that in some nice mockery of a scheming, vengeful underworld we should again chance upon each other's countenances.
Tybalt: Thou villain! Killed me thou did'st, and now to my spirit thou mock me!? Again I tell thee: Thou art only a villain!
Juliet: Dear Cousin, hoped had we to make some sort of mean peace with thou for to gain entrance into this seeming paradise it is of a necessity to amend all debts.
Tybalt: Dear Cousin! How could'st thou betray me so? Wherefore art thou so fickle in thy choice of companions, that thou could'st consort with the dog Montague that is not only the arch enemy of all thy kin, yet that which slew thy only cousin?
Juliet: It is thou that will find himself at fault, my kinsman, for only an hour before thou chose to duel with poor Mercutio, whose death provoked my dearest love to the fit of anger in which he unwittingly slew thee, Romeo and I had united in holy marriage.
Tybalt: Still, I cannot forgive this unseemly dog - (St. Peter enters)
St. Peter: Dear Lord -
God: WHAT!!!!?
St. Peter: Never mind. Why must they always do it like this? Just once, could they please just say, "I hate you. I hate you too. Bye." Wouldn't that be easier? Anyway, you three, I've brought our last participant - Mercutio.
Romeo: Dear friend !Thou knowest not how I have regretted thy death!
Mercutio: Back, all of thee! Thou art the cause of my end and I would endure this review not.
Romeo: Good Mercutio, I meant not to cause thy premature burial, yet only to -
Tybalt: Yes, "Good Mercutio,"he meant it not; he who despite his holy intentions disrupted my sight and caused my arm to slip, thereby ending thy short stint on the lowly earth.
Mercutio: I wish no jointure with a single one of thou! Thinkest thou I enjoy the thought of my betrayal at the hands of my firmest ally doth brighten my endless days?
Juliet: Enough, all thou! Stand I can no longer thy constant abuse of the virtuous name of my good husband. (She tries to stab Mercutio with a knife. He dodges.)
Tybalt: Romeo, thou villain! Prepare you to meet thy second death, this time the right and thou at my hands and thither receiving a mortal stroke.
Romeo: If this then be the strange and unholy way of fate, then so be it. Thought had I that among these cold graves of glooming death maybe peace was the all that could'st or would'st be itself found. Yet blinded in my ignorance was I to the treacherous and ever vane ways of men. Fight then, all thou. Juliet, my love, get thee clear of this forsaken fray. (They fight.)
God: Stop it! This is ridiculous. You're already DEAD! You can't kill each other!
Mercutio: Then die we shall trying!
God: You really don't get the concept here, do you? That's it people. This is inane. I'm sick of it. I suppose stupidity isn't a crime, however - though at times I wish it were. Obviously none of you is ready to enter heaven, yet I'm not going to eternally forsake someone for rampant immaturity. I'm going to send you back to repeat this part of your life. Maybe you'll learn something. Grow up, please. Now . . .(He snaps fingers. All disappear.)
God: How many times am I going to have to keep doing that?
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Scene 4
[ Setting: St. Peter stands in a new location in Heaven. ]
St. Peter: Why? Why must you always send them back? They die again in the exact same way, come up
here and drive me crazy!
God: It's kind of hard to eternally damn people for stupidity. Besides, it's a play. I've never condemned characters from a play before. There are problems with that concept, you know.
St. Peter: Never mind. Why me?
God: Several reasons -
St. Peter: Never mind. I don't want to know. I really don't.