Title: The Sordid Sex Lives of Geeks
Author: llewellynprince

Series: The Scret Lives of Scientists
Rating: R –NC-17
Pairings: McKay/Sheppard Teyla/Weir Ford/Zelenka Beckett/Bates Grodin/Stackhouse/Simpson Miko/Heightmeyer
Category: Humor, Lust, Romance, Drama
Summary: Atlantis's scientists teach the military personnel a special lesson…Geeks get laid more then soldiers
Notes: Un-beta'd

Part One: The Sordid Sex Lives of Geeks

Czech scientist/engineer, puddle jumper expert, and best friend of Rodney McKay, due to the simple fact that he was the only one who could stand him for any amount of time, Radek Zelenka stared at his desk top in shock and disbelief and a little horror. Said McKay, his assistant Miko, Dr. Heightmeyer, Kavanaugh, Grodin, and Dr. Simpson stood off to the side. They were staring too, albeit without the horror.

"What?" Radek turned to McKay who just shrugged.

"It was there when we got here."

"Open it," Miko, Heightmeyer, and Simpson demanded as Elizabeth, Teyla, Sheppard, Ford, Bates, Stackhouse, and Beckett walked in.

Elizabeth took one look at the scientists and asked, "What's going on? None of you were at breakfast? Is something wron-what is that?" she stared at the basket on Zelenka's table top.

"It's a present from a secret admirer," Rodney said dryly, looking entirely too amused, there was s glint in his eye that said he knew something about it but wasn't about to talk.

"How do you know?" Bates asked raising an eyebrow. These things did not happen under his watch, let alone on another planet in another galaxy, unless aliens had some how gotten a hold of Loveboat or any of those Harlequin novels Simpson and some of the other women had stashed away.

"Well, considering it's a gift with an unsigned card and it's not his birthday or any holiday that I'm aware of, I'd say it's a pretty logical conclusion," Rodney said sarcastically.

"Open it!" Simpson demanded again and Radek pulled on the ribbon holding the wrapping paper, it fell away to reveal a basket full of goodies. Chocolate bars, coffee grounds, and a stuffed teddy bear holding a red heart. Zelenka's jaw dropped, Rodney's eyebrows disappeared under his hair line, Simpson 'awed', Miko squealed, Heightmeyer announced it to be true love, Elizabeth beamed, Teyla smiled and called it 'a true show of deepest affection', Grodin and Bates grinned and Sheppard gave him a thumbs up, and Ford smiled but there seemed to be an edge of nervousness to it.

"Wow." Zelenka murmured the only American slang he ever used; Rodney snagged one of the candy bars as Zelenka picked up the teddy bear and inspected the note.

Dear Radek,

Roses are red, violets are blue, McKay is smart and so are you!

Your secret admirer

"'McKay is smart and so are you'?" Rodney repeated around a candy bar. "That's ridiculous, corny, and a complete lie."

"It's sweet," Simpson countered, defending the romance.

"Wow, looks like one of you is finally getting laid!" Sheppard grinned.

All the scientists turned as one and looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"What do you mean finally?" Simpson asked.

"The Major is under the impression that military men get laid more then us geeks, which unless he's counting hand jobs is completely untrue and even if he is counting them, it's still completely untrue." Rodney said as if it were obvious, he turned to Sheppard. "I hate to break it to you Major but we get laid a hell of a lot more then you," Rodney snorted and when the military men burst out laughing he sat down and raised an eyebrow.

"You don't believe us?" Simpson asked crossing her arms and standing next to him.

"Uh, well it's nothing personal, but…no," Sheppard said apologetically.

"Would you be reacting this way to a secret admirer if you did?" Ford asked the reasonable question.

"For a serious relationship, yes. But we're talking just sex," Simpson clarified airily as if it was the most common thing in the world. Jaws dropped. "Three ways, four ways, toys, bondage, you name it, we've done it!"

"Is that true?" Teyla asked, Heightmeyer nodded.

"I found out the hard way," she said with a satisfied smile and a glance Miko's way. "And believe me they've done a hell of a lot more then that."

"I think it from a man," Miko said looking over his shoulder. Zelenka didn't seem fazed by that at all just continued staring at the bear as if it would suddenly speak and answer all the great questions of the universe.

"That doesn't bother you?" Bates asked with a raised eyebrow, he didn't have a problem with it but it somewhat surprised him that they didn't either.

"Sergeant, all of us has had relationships with both sexes, it's not that big of a deal," Rodney paused, then an evil grin blossomed on his face. "How would you like to make a wager, Major?" he asked.

"That depends, what's the bet and who's involved?" Sheppard asked suspiciously, instinctively he knew this was something he was going to regret.

"The wager is: we run a survey and see who, scientists or military personal, have the most sexual experience, which's gotten laid more since they got here, and seduction."

"Seduction?" Sheppard swallowed.

"Who's better?" Rodney grinned. "It involves anyone who wants to be involved we can have a sign up sheet in the mess. Willing participants only."

"Ur well…" Sheppard looked at Elizabeth, praying she'd say it was against the rules or something like that; she just shrugged and looked at him. Great.

"Come on, Major you're not afraid are you?" Rodney goaded.

Sheppard glared at him. "Fine, we'll do it!" He gave in.

"Perfect, I'll write the survey and put a sign up sheet in the mess hall."

"Who's going to judge the winners?" Ford asked.

"Teyla and I will," Elizabeth volunteered getting into the spirit of things, Teyla nodded in agreement with a smile that was more amused then it should have been.

TBC. . .