Mipha's left flipper fell off again. The cords in her pearl harp twanged sharply as all of her limbs suddenly felt like rigid columns of ice. Waterblight Ganon had turned her into a fish fillet in their fateful encounter. Every time she lost control of her joints, her chest ached from the broken off shrapnel of the iron spear still shoved through her heart.
"Princess Mipha, hold yourself together! You're playing like a beached whale flopping on fishing line!" Zelda scolded from the conductor's podium. Her elderly servant Impa was huddled beside the stand mumbling and shaking her head.
The other members of the band weren't doing much better. Daruk had abandoned the drums and was crouched in a corner of the stage eating rocks. He was frantically shoveling armfuls of boulders into his mouth only to have them roll back out through the hole Fireblight Ganon had scorched through his gut.
"We need more percussion, Daruk!" Zelda shouted.
Urbosa played the trumpet with one hand. The mangled and shattered arm she normally used to carry her shield hung dead at her side. The tune she played was distorted by the little sparks that constantly sizzled through her body from her lethal electrocution.
Revali was missing an eye and his charred feathers were lit aglow with remnants of laser radiation. He was struggling to learn the piano. If the keys in front of him were archery targets, his shots would be hitting the side of a house five miles away from the bullseye.
"I need more volume, Urbosa! Keep up the tempo! No, no, no. You're in the wrong octave, Revali!"
Link stood center stage with the group. His complexion was a bit monochrome and the words "GAME OVER" were floating over his head in an inexplicable void. He had truly gone the Bill Paxton way.
Link was supposed to be playing the ocarina, but all of his notes were out of pitch as his focus was drawn to the serene and mystical beauty of the harp player sitting beside him. Unfortunately their relationship was always falling apart, and so was Mipha.
Zelda cringed at the incomprehensible set of noises attacking her ears.
"We resurrect the souls of Hyrule's greatest Champions and the best we can do to beat Ganon is play bad music at him," she sighed as she hid her face behind her silk gloved palm. "This will never work."
"I think we're just making another Calamity," Impa rolled her eyes.
Author's note: This premise definitely isn't Zombie Land Saga with the characters replaced by the BotW cast. I have no idea what you're talking about.
Author's note 2: This special guest appearance of Knight Artorias was played by Urbosa.
Author's note 3: This special guest appearance of Lew Hayward from Scrooged was played by Daruk.
Author's note 4: This special guest appearance of Geena Davis from the original script for Beetlejuice was played by Mipha.
Author's note 5: This fanfic is a perfect satire of BotW's official storyline. "Let's take the greatest warriors who are masters of their own cultures and forms of combat, completely strip them of those abilities by sticking them in uniform glorified cannon turrets parked in stationary spots on open mountainsides, and then act shocked when this plan ends with our resounding defeat."