Plan
LAB 1
"Touch it."
"No."
"Touch. It. Now."
"No."
"Major!"
"Doctor!"
Zelenka and Ford stood back with the other scientists behind the lab tables and watched the latest episode of McKay Vs. Sheppard: Who Will Give In First?
"Touch. It!"
"NO!"
Ford and Zelenka shared a look. As the best friend's, or as close to friend as you could get with Rodney McKay, they dealt with this a bit more then the rest of Atlantis, alright a hell of a lot more and it never ceased to be amusing the smallest things the two so called grown ups could get into full blown arguments over.
They shook their heads and turned back to the argument, watching for another five minutes before leaving, shaking their heads and wondering what they'd have to bribe Beckett with to get some sedatives.
MEDICAL BAY
Carson Beckett glanced around his office in amusment, Dr. Weir, Teyla, Sgt. Bates, Peter Grodin, Lt. Ford, and Dr. Zelenka were spread out of the length of the small office, Teyla nad Elizabeth seated in the grey chairs. Carson's nurses had ecplicit instructions not to let Rodney or Sheppard in.
"Alright Lt. Ford, what's going on?" Bates asked sounding annoyed.
"It's about Maj. Sheppard and Dr. McKay," Ford explained.
"Oh, god what happened now?" Elizabeth muttered wondering which part of the city had come under assault from the two and who she was going to have to apologize too.
"That is just it, Elizabeth," Zelenka said with a sigh, "They do nothing but argue."
"That's not exactly out of character," Bates pointed out.
"Yeah, but this was different. Now they actually mean it when they insult each other," Ford added.
"They have not done anything," Zelenka repeated.
"About what?" Beckett asked looking perplexed.
"Each other," Ford answered simply. The others stared at them in surprise for a moment before finally nodding slowly in agreement.
"It is about time we did something; it is getting rather out of hand. Their liable to come to blows soon," Beckett agreed, nodding to Ford who looked away suddenly, Beckett frowned then turned back to Elizabeth, slightly hurt by the younger man's reaction.
"Well, we simply have to make them realize that constantly arguing isn't helping anyone and that they could be friends," Elizabeth stated. "Except that it actually won't be that simple."
"Huh?" Ford and Zelenka looked at her confused. "Friends?" They echoed.
The others looked at them slightly confused.
"Yeah, what else would they be?" Bates asked.
"We weren't talking about them being friends," Ford explained.
"What were you talking about then?" Grodin asked.
Ford and Zelenka shared a look.
"You mean none of you have noticed?" Ford asked frowning, they shook their heads. Zelenka sighed and muttered something in Czech.
"Noticed what?" Grodin asked.
"That the Major and Rodney have some unresolved, requited, suppressed emotions that it would be better if they were out in the open," Ford explained earning blank looks from the entire group.
"Hun?"
Ford sighed, "They want to fuck."
"WHAT!"
Several minutes later
"Well, if you right Lt," Elizabeth said, still trying to wrap her mind around the new information, "How are you planning on getting…them…together?"
"Well, that's why we need you guys!" Ford grinned with a devilish glint in his eye that made Beckett's heart rate speed up. "Here's the plan…"
MEDICAL BAY (several hours later)
Beckett sighed and placed his stethoscope on the table top, rubbing his temples. Ford and Zelenka's plan was fine, more then fine, damn good actually, except that the person he was in love with had no idea and would probably shoot him if he said anything, well maybe not shoot, he'd probably just politely decline and then pretend it never happened.
He sighed again and turned back to his lap report.
"Dr. Beckett?"
Carson jumped when someone behind him cleared their throat. He turned and found Lt. Ford standing in the doorway.
"Oh, he-hello Lt. What can I do for you?" He stuttered and mentally slapped himself.
Ford sighed; Beckett always called him Lt., never just Ford or even Aiden. He was going to give up, really, if the man hadn't noticed him by now he wasn't going to. "Doctor."
Beckett frowned. Hadn't he stopped calling him that after the fifth time he had to wake him up in the middle of the night because of Sheppard and/or McKay? "Yes?"
Ford looked at him with wide, sad eyes and Beckett felt his heartbreak.
HALLWAY
Sheppard hummed as he headed to the infirmary. He was on his way from the lab after another fight with McKay, that he'd won, or at least he though he'd won, he wasn't sure, McKay had seemed pretty cocky when he'd left.
He frowned.
He didn't like it when McKay was that cocky, it usually meant he was going to suffer. He shook his head and walked into the infirmary and stopped dead. Beckett had Ford pinned between a rock and a hard place or more specifically, himself and the wall.
He couldn't be sure but he was pretty sure Beckett had his tongue shoved down the young Lt.'s throat and his hands gripping his arms, he was thrusting against Ford who was thrusting back and moaning. Ford's leg was hooked behind Beckett's was wrapped around him like a wet towel.
So, that was Ford's crush.
Sheppard stared at the two in shock. He could see their tongues in the wet, sloppy kiss and this shouldn't be turning him on, but it was, oh god it was. He backed out of the room and into McKay, who looked just as surprised as him. They watched mesmerized, as the two men moved against each other, moans and grunts escaping, then Ford moaned Beckett's name, though it was more of a plead or a beg brought them out of their stupor.
He turned a hightailed out of there, dragging McKay with him. Neither spoke as they headed towards operations, each too caught up in their own thoughts.
"Well…" Sheppard trailed off after a minute of silence. "Doesn't that bother you at all?" he exploded when Rodney didn't say anything. Rodney shrugged in response and Sheppard sputtered.
"Does it really bother you?" he asked and Sheppard paused.
"No, not really it's just…a surprise. I knew Ford had a crush but he never told me who it was. You?"
Rodney snorted. "Not really."
Sheppard's head snapped around. "You knew?"
Rodney turned to him. "You didn't!" He looked incredulous. "Come on Major, everyone saw it coming."
"Yeah, except me," Sheppard sulked.
"You mean you didn't notice how Ford always made a point to go with him to the mainland or how Beckett always checks him over personally and calls him a 'cheeky little bugger'!" Sheppard blinked. "Have you seen Zelenka?" Sheppard blinked double time to catch up to the conversation, he was still reeling from the fact that no one had thought to inform him of this.
"Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"Perhaps because they all though you were smart enough to figure it out on your own. Obviously they were all wrong."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I have better things to do then be your eyes, ears, and brain. Now have you seen Zelenka or not?"
"I think I saw him head towards operations earlier."
"Damn, he's probably with Grodin."
Sheppard gave him a blank look, Rodney raised a suggestive eyebrow and Sheppard gapped.
"No way!"
"You didn't know about them?" Rodney sighed and shook his head. "You're pathetic."
"There's a them?" Sheppard boggled.
"Yes there's a them. There's also a them as in Bates and Stackhouse, the two marines French and Martinez, and Heightmyere and Miko, my assistant. Would you like me to go on?"
"NO! I don't believe you!" Sheppard practically yelled, hands over his ears as he sped up. He had no interest in other people's love lives, except to note his distinct lack of one because of a certain scientist to dense to notice his feelings.
Rodney blinked, Sheppard fidgeted, Rodney blinked again, Sheppard shifted nervously and nearly had a heart attack when Rodney suddenly grabbed him. Who knew a scientist could move that fast? Before he knew it, Rodney had dragged him down to operations and ducked behind a corner. John's jaw dropped when he saw where McKay was pointing. Zelenka and Grodin were wrapped around each other with little care for their location or who might see. Sheppard's mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water without sound for several moments before Grodin and Zelenka started shedding cloths and the two turned and left their friends to their business. They ended up running into a make-out session between Heightmyer and Miko.
"Dr. McKay!" Miko greeted as if they hadn't interrupted anything.
MESS a week later
First Beckett and Ford, who now couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other, then Zelenka and Peter, Miko and Heightmyer, followed by French and Martinez, followed by several couples whose names he couldn't remember, he'd run into them all. And all the encounters had left John paranoid and feeling seriously sex-deprived and constantly horny, not to mention that since finding out about all of the them he kept catching all the little looks and touches.
"I can't take anymore! Everywhere I go! They're there! Doing something! I can't sleep and I'm sneaking around corners!" Sheppard exploded as he dropped down next to McKay, who looked remarkably unfazed by his outburst.
"You're paranoid."
"And it's your fault!" Sheppard accused.
"You walked into the medical bay on your own." Rodney said not even looking up from his laptop and MRE. The man could multitask if nothing else.
"And you showed me everything else! Have you run into them at all?"
"Nope." Rodney paused. "Why?" he gave Sheppard a suspicious look.
"That's it I'm staying with you!" Sheppard announced, smiling now that he'd solved his problem.
Rodney sputtered. "WH-WHAT?"
"I'll just hang with you. You haven't run into them at all, if I stay with you I won't!" Sheppard explained as if he was talking to a child.
Rodney twitched. "Either that or I'll start running into them!"
LAB several hours later
Sheppard was bored. He'd tried bugging Rodney into giving him something to do but when Rodney had started twitching and shaking and turning slightly red he'd decided to back off. This left him sitting to the side doing absolutely nothing for hours. The one upside was that he hadn't run into anyone in the middle of sex. He tapped his fingers on the counter and hummed.
"Would you stop that!" Rodney roared, making him jump.
"I'm bored," he whined, McKay glared.
"That's your problem, not mine!" McKay snarled and turned back to his laptop.
"I wonder why it just happened all of a sudden, everyone getting together."
"You mean you haven't figured that out either!" McKay said managing to make him sound like an even bigger idiot and turned to him incredulously. "How'd you pass the MENSA test?"
"Noticed what?" Sheppard demanded stalking over to the annoying scientist, who sighed in exasperation.
"When did everyone start getting together?"
"A week ago when we were arguing."
"And what keeps happening to you?"
"I keep running into them."
"Which makes you think of what?"
"Sex."
"Which makes you forget about?"
"Arguing with you…." Sheppard gapped as he realized what Rodney was saying. "They're trying to get us together!" He stopped as he realized what he'd just said. "Oh, god their trying to get us together."
"Don't hurt yourself thinking about it!" McKay said sarcastically turning back to his work.
"Sorry. It's not that." Sheppard sighed and then continued in his head. - Its just you don't feel that same as I do. - He looked up with a sigh to see Rodney starring at him wide eyed. "What?"
"You just said that out loud Major." Rodney said his mouth dry; he licked his lips as Sheppard paled.
"I did?" Rodney nodded. "Oh god." Sheppard back away, and then froze when Rodney grinned and started after him. "McKay, what are you doing?" Sheppard squeaked, actually squeaked, panicking he rushed to the other side of the counter, putting it between them. Rodney's grin just widened as he followed him.
"Why Major," He drawled, "I do believe you have a crush on ME!" He announced gleefully.
"N-no." Rodney raided an eyebrow and looked pointedly down at Sheppard's crotch, his erection obvious. "Uh, I can explain that." Sheppard said hurriedly, blushing bright red.
"Major." Sheppard looked up and met his eyes, McKay gestured to his own erection and Sheppard's eyes widened to saucers. Before he knew what had happened Rodney had him pinned to the wall and his tongue down his throat. Sheppard whimpered and grabbed McKay's shoulders to steady himself, opening his legs to let McKay in. He moaned when McKay started nipping his neck.
"Fuck me." He whispered.
"I will." McKay whispered back.
2 weeks later
McKay, Ford, and Zelenka stood out on one of the balconies and toasted each other.
"To us and our brilliant plan!" Ford announced.
"Here, here." Rodney and Zelenka agreed.
"I still can not believe we got away with it," Zelenka stared in to the red liquid mesmerized.
"Phf wasn't that hard," Rodney snorted.
"We are brilliant," Ford cheerfully announced again as the three thought back to four weeks ago when they'd come up with their 'plan'. It had been Ford's idea to go to such extremes but Rodney had come up with the actual plan, Zelenka had offered to help and the other two had jumped at the chance.
Four weeks ago
"Dr. McKay do you have a minute?" Ford walked into the lab.
"Make it quick I don't have all day." Rodney snapped.
"I'm in love with Dr. Beckett." The look on Rodney's face would have killed Ford from laughter at any other time.
"Why the hell are you telling me? I'm not a shrink, go tell Heightmyer! Or Elizabeth! Or better yet, Beckett, him, yes, go tell Carson!"
"I can't!"
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know if he feels the same!"
"So! That's why it's called trial and error."
"But I have an idea where I can find out if he feels the same and get him at the same time if he does and you can get Sheppard." Ford said with a secretive smiled. McKay looked up from his laptop his eyes narrowed.
"What?"
"I will help." A voice said before Ford could continue. They both jumped and turned to see Zelenka in the doorway. "I myself have a few feelings myself for Mr. Grodin," Rodney suddenly grinned making the other two slightly nervous.
"And I have a plan."
Present Time
It had gone from there and they'd never looked back.
"I still can't believe it worked though," Ford murmured. "I though Carson was going to hit me not fuck me through the wall."
"EW, I don't want to know that, and are you complaining?" Rodney asked incredulously.
"Hell no," Ford snapped.
"Here, here though I feel bad not telling them about this whole thing," Zelenka agreed.
"Well, we did in a way. You and Ford said you had a plan and it was practically the same one we had so it's the same thing as telling them the truth," Rodney said airily.
"Oh really?" The three froze and turned to find Sheppard, Beckett, Grodin, Elizabeth, and Teyla. The two women were trying not to laugh.
"Uh, hi…" Ford said meekly. There was silence for several minutes, while Sheppard, Beckett, and Grodin pinned their lovers with angry looks, and their lovers grew increasingly nervous, while Elizabeth and Teyla struggled not to laugh.
"We talk somewhere else?" Zelenka suggested sheepishly and Grodin nodded leading the way out. Beckett and Sheppard were still staring at them.
"Uh heh," the two swallowed.
"Sorry," Ford apologized in a mouse version of his voice. Carson motioned him with a finger and Ford hesitated.
"Where are we going?"
"Somewhere, I can fuck you in private."
"By McKay, good luck!" Ford was gone faster than a flash of light. Leaving McKay and Sheppard as Elizabeth and Teyla slipped out quietly.
"So…Major?" Sheppard's eyes were dark and Rodney immediately recognized the look in them.
"You better make it good," Sheppard growled.
"Oh, you'll love it," McKay promised and dragged him inside to a bed.
...finite...