She stared at the little pink plus sign, her heart sinking more and more by the second. This couldn't be happening.
Tears welled in her eyes as she walked out to the living room, leaving the test in the bathroom. She laid down on the couch.
She couldn't believe this. She was a junior in high school. She had her whole life ahead of her. What the hell was she going to tell Eli?
She pulled up the sleeve from her sweater, staring blankly at the scars from before. The little reminders that those things really happened to her. That this was real, even if she didn't want it to be.
Ever since she stopped, things had been hard. But she was able to refrain, thinking of Eli. Until now. She wanted to cut so badly.
She wanted to see the deep red blood begin to escape her wrist. She wanted to feel the blade slicing through her skin. She wanted to feel the relief.
She remembered so vividly. She remembered the knife. She remembered pressing it against her wrist. She remembered dragging it across. She remembered the relief and then the panic when she realized she had cut deeper than the last time.
She got up shakily and walked to the kitchen, pulling out the sharpest knife she could find from the drawer.
Her heart raced as she pressed the knife against her wrist and slid it across. Her breaths became jagged as relief washed over her. The deep red color formed in a straight line.
She looked at the clock. Eli would be home any minute. She quickly bandaged her wrist and pulled her sweater sleeve down.
What was she going to tell him? How was he going to react? She suddenly heard the door swing open as Eli walked in.
"Hey, what happened to you at school? Why'd you leave early? Decide to skip without me?" He teased lightly as he put his backpack on the floor.
"I-I didn't feel very well." She whispered, sitting next to him. Eli's brows furrowed in confusion.
"What's wrong?" He asked, brushing a stray hair out of her face.
"I actually need to…tell you something." She said, her hands shaking slightly. "I'm pregnant." She stated quietly, searching Eli's face for his reaction.
His lips parted slightly, as if he was going to say something, but he didn't. He just stared at Clare, his face frozen.
"W-what?" Eli stuttered out. For once in his life, he was at a loss of words.
"I'm pregnant." Clare repeated. Eli held his hand up.
"Please. Don't say it again. I'm already nauseous enough as it is." He said quietly. He was trying to get a grip of this whole thing. Clare was…pregnant? He was going to be a father? No. No. No! This can't be happening. He was a fucking senior in high school.
"W-what should we do?" He asked, looking down at her hands placed gently on her stomach.
"I don't want to keep it, Eli. This…thing will ruin our lives." She whispered. His focus snapped to attention. Clare Edwards wanted an abortion?
"Are you…are you sure?" He asked. Clare shook her head.
"I don't think I'll ever be sure of anything." She whispered, leaning her head against his shoulder.
"I just know that we can't handle a baby now. We just can't." She said. Eli nodded.
"Just take some time to think, okay?" He said quietly. Clare sighed.
"Yeah…I, uh, I'm gonna go for a drive. I need to clear my head." She got up, kissing Eli lightly and grabbed the keys off the counter.
As she drove, she knew in her gut that what she was about to do was wrong. She knew it would change things. But she pulled up to the clinic anyway and let out a shaky breath as she took the keys out of the ignition.
SavingGrace
Eli paced around the living room, running his hand through his black hair. Clare wanted to get an abortion? He had actually gotten her pregnant.
Suddenly the door slammed open and Clare walked in, tears streaming down her face.
"I killed it." She whispered quietly, sitting on the couch and putting her head in her hands. Sobs racked her body as Eli sat down next to her.
"Hey, look at me." He said softly. "Everything will be okay." Her sobs grew more hysterical, the immense hate she felt for herself growing more and more. There had been a child growing inside of her and she just killed it. She was a monster.
"Everything won't be okay, Eli." She cried. "I'm a murderer. I'm a monster." She leaned into him, her body quivering as he wrapped his arms around her.
"Listen to me, Clare. You are not a monster." He said, pulling her closer to him. She wiped her eyes.
"How can you possibly think that?" She questioned, looking up at Eli. He began stroking her hair.
"Because I know you. I know who you are. And I know that you're not a monster. You could never be." He said quietly.
"But…I'll never know if that living being would have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I'll never know if it was a boy or a girl. Eli, I killed it. It's dead." She sobbed.
"Clare, it's okay. Everything will be okay." She shook her head and pulled away from Eli, getting up from the couch.
"I'll be right back." She said, running to the bathroom. She took quick breaths as she grabbed a razor from the counter. Her pulse quickened. The room suddenly seemed smaller as she pressed the razor against her wrist.
She dragged the razor across and felt it slice through her skin. She savored that feeling as the blood began to drip down slowly. She watched the color as more and more began to form. She examined the cut from earlier, turning a black-ish color.
She promised herself she wouldn't go back to the blade. She promised herself she wouldn't do this. But she couldn't not do it. At this moment in time, her will just wasn't strong enough to resist.
Above anything else, she couldn't let Eli find out that she had relapsed. Then he would know for sure that she was crazy. He would know that she wasn't right in the head.
She had just killed her baby and was slicing her skin open to feel better about it. That wasn't normal. She wasn't normal. But she couldn't lose Eli. So he couldn't know. He could never know.
She was back to playing the game. She was back to keeping secrets. She was back to holding everything back, only to find release in the blood and the pain. She was back to lying to everyone around her.
And she couldn't stop. She didn't want to stop. She didn't want to give up what she was doing. Although she remembered some things vividly, she had forgotten how it seemed to make everything a little better.
Eli didn't suspect a thing. He wouldn't. He was so busy with SAT prep and waiting for acceptance letters for college. It allowed Clare to fall deeper into this hole she had dug for herself. She wasn't sure if anyone could pull her out this time…
You see these cuts and bruises My life is so confusing And i wont let myself be happy I am cold my legs are shaking And i wont let myself be happy These cuts and bruises are all self inflicted And i wont let myself be happy
Isn't this all so amusing
I feel the emptiness of just another day in hell
Do this to myself I'm losing
I guess I'm only proving what every one can see but me
I cut myself just to feel the pain
And i wont give up anything for you
I'm going down and no one can save me
I'm going down and no one can save me
There's no hope right now I'm begging
Just one sign to show me someone out there really cares
My clothes are soaked up crying
There's no doubt i know I'm dying
I did this to myself and that's the part i cant believe
I cut myself just to feel the pain
And i wont give up anything for you
I'm going down and no one can save me
I'm going down and no one can save me
I'm going down and no one can save me
These cuts and bruises are all self inflicted
These cuts and bruises are all self inflicted
These cuts and bruises are all self inflicted
I cut myself just to feel the pain
And i wont give up anything for you
I'm going down and no one can save me
I'm going down and no one can save me
I'm going down and no one can save me
I'm going down and no one can save me
I'm going down and no one can save me