Pain for You
By: BigBlackDog
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and all related material. You know who does. Love them.
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Sirius x Remus
Rating: R
Archive: [Gimme the link]
Warnings: Excessive bouts of self-mutilation and a bit of slash. Minor bits of swearing as well.
Key: Sirius's conscious thoughts
Sirius's subconscious thoughts [like the wolf, only not a wolf. maybe a split mind]
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Remus?
Deeper. Longer. Wider. Faster.
Blood.
Salt. Tears.
Remus?
Alone. Blood.
Cut. Slice. Erase. Deeper. Pain.
Don't stop, can't stop, can't stop, can't stop, can't stop, keep going.
Blood. Crimson. Sticky. Red. Blood.
Sirius Black sat in the corner of the Prefect's bathroom, his arms, legs, and chest throbbing painfully beneath the steady trickle of his own blood. Almost fainting from pain and blood loss Sirius let the blade slide from his hand and clatter in the pools of blood by his feet. Finished, he had finished. Tired eyes glanced in the mirror, and Sirius smiled to himself pleased with the outcome.
Several jagged lines ran across the lower part of his ribs, too thin to be actual claw marks but the cuts resembled such. At least they would when they scarred over. Similar marking covered the left side of his neck, side, and thigh. Moony had favored his left side last night.
Moony...
The blood soaked walls of the shrieking shack still refused to be pushed to the recesses of Sirius's memory as he struggled with the images of his boyfriend, torn and bleeding in the center of the wreckage. It was the same, full moon after full moon. Sirius was sick of the pain, sick of the blood, and sick of having to see Remus's defeated face every 28 days.
It needs to end! This needs to end! I can't think, I can't breath, fuck! Moony, where are you when I need you?
Somehow, the thought struck Sirius as funny, as he slowly sunk to the floor laughing like he'd gone mad. Though perhaps he had.
* * *
Bleary eyes opened slowly, only to shut by the force of the light streaming in through the tall infirmary wing windows. Bringing a bandaged hand to rub at his face, Sirius came to full wakefulness within seconds, propping himself up on an elbow.
Why the fuck am I in the hospital wing?
A quick peek around found one James Potter sitting silently a short foot away, his face looking too controlled for a Marauder. Sirius let out the breathe he'd been holding flopping back down on the down bed.
Just what I need, a pep talk from Jester James... bloody hell.
"What do you want James?" Sirius asked in a husky, sleep filled voice. James sighed in response. "Look, I'm fucking wasted, so either talk or shrug off." Sirius continued as he threw am arm over his eyes to block out the light.
"Why?"
"Why what Jamison?" Sirius spat, tired and now annoyed.
"Don't get short with me Sirius; you could have died last night. What in hell's name were you thinking? Doing that to yourself! Don't you think we all have enough to worry about with Remus?" James would have continued, but Sirius's uncontrolled laughter caused his to stop speaking and go into a huff. He didn't think this was any laughing matter.
"You? Worry about Remus?" he choked out between gales of laughter. It took him a moment to settle himself, but when he did it was abrupt. The laughter died, and Sirius sat bolt upright glaring daggers at his friend. "You worry about Remus?" he leaned until his nose was almost touching James' and their eyes were level. "You don't know anything about how much I worry for Remus."
"Well, that doesn't mean I don't as well!" James protested hotly.
"You didn't find him, alone and bloody in the shrieking shack. You don't listen to his nightmares, and you don't see his scars. You know nothing of how I worry for Remus." With that Sirius threw himself back into bed and both boys fell into silence for some time. It was James who broke it first.
"Sirius, he loves you. Please tell me you know he loves you." James whispered. There was no reply from his raven haired friend, who seemed to have found interest in a rather small piece of lint residing on his pillow. "I know that I can't understand what your going through, and we all know we can't understand what Remus is going through, but Sirius we have to try and be strong for him. He needs us."
As I need him...
James waited in vain for some response from his friend, and on receiving none he sat back, as he had before while Sirius had been asleep. Glancing over his shoulder, James saw that Remus was also still asleep in the infirmary, not yet healed from the events of the full moon two nights ago. He would be fine soon enough, and they'd all go back to class as they had every other full moon. This, however, was the first time Sirius had been hospitalized. James prayed in vain that it would be the last.
It was hard for all the Marauders to bear the pain Remus inflicted upon himself physically, but more so emotionally. He tried to hide it and bear it himself, but there had never been any real secrets between the four friends, and so this had gone unspoken but known. Never leaving, always there, the subtle secret of the group. During the other 27 days of the month, Remus usually managed to stay sane with the help of his friends and boyfriend, but there had been nights that found him crying silently in a dark corner of the common room, or god forbid in the bathroom with a chip of glass. It was these things that scared Sirius the most, and at the same time it was these things that reminded them all of how human Remus was. His insanity was his humanity.
Slowly, as if to see whether or not Sirius would react, James rose from his position some time later. He cast a last worried glance at his friend before retiring to the dormitory.
* * *
Bloody fuck! Why does he have to cry? Every time he looks at me, I can't take it! Did I do something wrong? What did I fuck up? Did I hurt him? God, I must have hurt him!
Sirius let his tears fall onto his outstretched arm, the salt stinging viciously at the gashes that covered his arm.
Blood. Salt. Pain.
More, he needed more. Sirius drove the razor deeper into his waiting flesh wanting the pain to come and erase everything, to make him forget.
Etch. Carve. Memories? Forget! Crimson.
He had to forget Remus, had to forget his face when he woke up. The teary eyes and pouting lips. The boy's gorgeous hair and the subtle way his bangs fell in his face. He had to forget Remus.
I love him! What did I do wrong? What did I do? What have I done?
Deeper. Longer. Wider.
Remus, please forgive me! I'll make it up to you, but don't leave me alone! I need you, don't go away!!!
Blood. Sense. Iron. Pools. Red.
He couldn't bring the razor to his flesh again. Sirius couldn't see anything besides red. His own blood and thoughts of Remus were the only things in his vision as once more he felt the blade clatter to the floor of the bathroom.
He needed the torment to end.
Remus's pain needs to go away... maybe I should go away?
Blood. Blood. Blood.
Remus?